Affair and pets - weird question

TLDR: got a puppy just before finding out about affair and now regret it....

Bear with me because this is a weird, convoluted situation that has been messing with me in a big way.

D Day was November 1. We've been all over the map since then, trying to reconcile but many instances where I thought it was over. In an ok place today. Two young kids.

In the summer we made the decision to get a puppy at the end of August. WH was hesitant about the extra work involved but I convinced him it was a good time. We'd wanted to get a dog off and on over the years but had always concluded we weren't ready. This time was different.

Got the puppy end of August and I had puppy blues big time, never been so anxious in my life. Completely unexpected despite doing all kinds of prep and research. It slowly got better but throughout September WH was less and less involved, left the puppy completely to me to deal with. In October he became extremely withdrawn. Started talking about moving out to get his own space and figure things out. Talking about how our relationship wasn't in a good place, he wasn't happy, we weren't connected. Life and the kids had pushed us apart, now the dog was something else to keep us from connecting. He said he'd never wanted the dog, he went along with it and said that I'd gotten the dog even though he didn't want one.

I internalized that in a major way, felt like I'd ruined the marriage by getting a dog, felt like I'd disregarded his feelings. I wanted to get rid of the dog if it was a choice between that and my marriage. I began to resent the dog and feel guilty about the time I had to spend caring for her.

Fast forward to November and I find out about the affair, which started middle to end of September. Duh.

So now my life is really falling apart, we are having extremely difficult conversations about how WH has felt like he's gone along with a lot of the major choices we've made in our life. In my mind the dog is still a big part of this and although I don't think the dog caused the affair, I'm guessing it was part of the story he told himself to justify it (my wife chose the dog over me), and also it's a huge symptom of what has been wrong in our relationship all along (his perception of me calling the shots and him never speaking up when he's not happy).

I still have such conflicting emotions about this puppy. She's wonderful, but I feel like the whole idea of having a dog has been ruined. I wish we'd never gotten her. If I'd had any idea what was coming I NEVER would have thought it was a good time for a puppy. We waited so long to pick the right time and in the end couldn't have picked a worse time.

Practically speaking, I don't feel I have the mental capacity to train and socialize the puppy in the way that it needs. I am struggling mentally and emotionally, with life and work and parenting. Everything is getting the bare minimum, kids and dog included. If we stay together, he's right, the dog will be another thing to come between us and demand our time and attention. It makes getting a babysitter more difficult, etc. If we split up, I never planned on being a single mom with a puppy. I don't even know how I'd take it for a walk if there wasn't another adult to stay home and watch the kids. Not to mention finances. I'm not sure I'd be able to keep the house and I definitely would not want the added financial burden of a dog. That decision was based on a two adult, two income household.

Long story short, I regret this dog so much for so many reasons. If my kids didn't adore her I'd seriously consider rehoming.

Has anyone been through anything remotely similar? What did you do? Did you feelings change over time? How do I move past this?

21 comments posted: Thursday, January 18th, 2024

Regret telling the spouse?

I told the spouse and now feel like I should have kept my nose out of their business. Anyone else have regrets? My WH is worried about retaliation from the spouse towards him and the OW. Possibly physical. Should I have kept quiet???

40 comments posted: Saturday, December 9th, 2023

Feeling okay - hysterical bonding?

New to this forum and this situation and very thankful for this resource.

I found out a couple days ago that my husband cheated on me recently for about two months. The first couple days were brutal, but now I'm feeling weirdly okay. There was some truffle truth initially and now I'm pretty confident I have the full story if not all the nitty gritty details. My WS has been very forthcoming, open, remorseful and willing. We've talked a lot over the last few days and both can recognize that our marriage wasn't in a great place to begin with and a lot of factors that played into that, but he's taking ownership of the decisions he made.

I have been reading up on hysterical bonding and I think that might be partly what is going on. I could be focusing on the pain and hurt but I'm focusing on what we can do to make things better. I know my feelings can change on a dime and don't expect this acceptance to last forever.

Has anyone experienced this? I haven't read many accounts of people who didn't feel devastated at five days post DD.

I do have a tendency to compartmentalize so I'm worried I'm not really facing my feelings. I've been doing some journaling and will be looking into counseling to make sure I'm processing my emotions.

I'm not really sure what I expect by posting this. I'm feeling weird about my own reaction and processing.

13 comments posted: Tuesday, November 7th, 2023