If/When to confront WW’s EA

Background: BS (34, m), wife (34, f), together 17 years. Friends for 28, first and only everything. No kids.

In MC for 10 months after a fight (maybe the first real one) when she danced with a guy (John) she had previously told me she didn’t want me to worry about. In individual therapy for 4 months prior (and through to today).

MC has focused on our problems- sex life, sex initiation, codependency, buying a house we thought the other one each wanted, living the life we thought we were supposed, me working too much, lack of emotional connection, the works. Pretty good teammates, genuinely enjoy each others company, great friends but lack of passion.

Major theme of therapy has been she needs to have her independence- I’ve agreed I’d like to not be so solely focused on each other as well. I give space, but she claims to need more. I travel for a month, come back and says she still thinks it won’t work. Then she asks for a semi-permanent separation, being afraid of divorce (her parents divorced when she was two).

I said I was open to it, until she said and she wants to be able to date other people. For me 6 months to work on myself sounds awesome to allow me to be the man/husband I want to be, but if your spouse wants to see other people, that’s a) a showstopper and b)this comment tells me there already is someone else, and good human/big heart that she has, I think this was a messed up way of getting permission.

I’ve done a pick me dance- some good results (60 lbs lost, marathon this weekend, strongest I’ve ever been, better mental health- she’s noticed, but it feels too late, and she thinks its just for her).

Her dating comment results in me snooping. Long phone calls, lots of text messages, inconclusive but I knew in my gut. Checked journal, she mentions he is her soulmate, and they spent all night while I was out of the country trying not to kiss, he left at 5am. AP comes up in the journal for months and more often than me. Journal refers to me as incredible man, and means her giving up security (yuck). I shouldn’t have snooped but revealing the secrecy she’s brought into our marriage seems less damning than her infidelity.

She doesn’t know that I know, but she definitely is picking up on negative mood.

AP has been out of the country for a few months, and she’ll be out a few months with no crossover likely until Jan. We are planning to file once she has a new job.

I can own my role in the downfall of our marriage, and I’ve spent the last two years trying to fix it. I’ve read affairs thrive in secrecy, I’d love to try and build a new marriage. She’s clearly in affair fog. Is there a way to blow this up such that maybe we have a chance? If it truly is love, perhaps we’re better off, but limerence seems more likely.

Also, I should mention, she’s currently applying for work and on my visa. I make far more in my field than she does, if I file and become the villain l, the likelihood of a brutal settlement is pretty high.

My top goal is reconciliation, but in exposing the affair, I risk immensely in a divorce settlement. Anyone experienced something similar.

13 comments posted: Wednesday, November 8th, 2023