Marriage builders

Hello,

I have reading some affair stuff online and came across marriage builders by dr Harley. He says some stuff that got me thinking about my WS. Like he says that men can love two women (which I think is probably an accurate reflection). That sometimes a WS will keep an affair going on for two years even after found out but still wantto make a go of the marriage and it will eventually end around the two year mark once him and his ap realise there is no future. I felt there was a lot of excusing of the WS. Have other people read any of his stuff?

16 comments posted: Thursday, October 31st, 2024

Need some advice

So I have voice recorded my husband again. The drama continues. I saw a work email to his ap where he asked her to call him, he doesn’t know it is linked to our main computer and so I left my work phone at home.

In the conversation, it is work related but then a big chat about how he really wanted to text her last night. That he is glad he didn’t as it is nice at the time and he feels good but it doesn’t help anything (so this means when he was monitoring my phone and giving me stuck about texting my friends he was texting her. He then goes on about how he wants to tell her something but knows he can’t. It seems that he wants to be with her but has ended it.

I am so mad, I called my mum and she told me to calm down. I have. Do I confront? Do I let this slide? I am flying home next week and I wonder if he will cave. Maybe she has met someone else. Should I get a detective on him. It is nearly 19 months post the original dday and he is cross with me all the time for not showing affection.

26 comments posted: Sunday, October 20th, 2024

I need some help

Hi all,
It has been a little while since I posted. I do try and post on other people but anyway things have been a lot better. I have settled down and less emotionally dysregulated and this has led to less arguments and the kids are much happier.

My difficulty now is, letting the A go. we are about 15 months out since first dday but I think he probably don’t fully end it for another two months after dday and was still in contact with her. I also didn’t handle it well at all and made a fool out of myself anyway that is another story.

I think my husband just wants us to move on without anymore mention of the A ever again, I just can’t so I occasionally bring it up. Sometimes in a factual way sometimes in a snidy way. This leads to him accusing me of being mean of treating him badly. If I give an example. He took sometime off work which he told me about but must have forgotten. I was then saying a few weeks later, it was great he took sometime off annd we must plan something nice and he accused me of going through his emails as how else would I knew he had taken those days off. I hadn’t actually but I said to him since he still works with the Ap although doesn’t see her, ‘ does he expect me to fully trust him’ and for this I get ‘you at
Are so mean’ how dare you say that. Today he caught me looking at this site and I got ‘you are so mean, why are you looking at this’ with me here. To which’I said and I shouldn’t have it was open from last night but I need the support you don’t know what this is like’, to which he got annoyed and gave me the silent treatment as he thinks I betrayed him by telling people things and other stuff. Anyway I said when the kids were presngt that I know for a long time he has text a certain person at work (and that is how I phrased it). he has until recently been very protective of his phone. I don’t think he was seeing her but I imagine they communicated by text (I suspect for work purposes but I have a feeling something happened there and they no longer communicate that way. I don’t think he has seen her because he rarely leaves the house and hasn’t for a while. And I have had to put up with this so why can’t he just put up with me looking at this site. I hope he doesn’t know I post here so I may edit this.

If I give another example, we were talking about the children and I mentioned that a couple always go to things together and he said to me that is the problem with us we don’t present a united front and I said well ‘what do you expect? That is the kind of snidy way I say things which then puts him in a bad mood.

Anyway he this he told me I put him in a bad mood. He barely spoke to me for the day because and I understand this the kids were there and then he made a lot of snidy comments himself through out the day.

I guess, when we are good things are very good. Yeah I am still not very affectionate which he hates but we don’t fight and we work well as a team. However, I guess my question is should I never mention the A again? Is it too much like rubbing salt in old wounds and my way of just punishing him. Tbf to him, very occasionally he will say I have made a mess of my life and I am sorry for what happened to youbut it is rare. Things have changed for the better, he is being great with the children and more helpful and thoughtful to me. He doesn’t monitor my phone anymore and doesn’t care who I meet up with (which was a bit of an issue before as he thought I didn’t want to spend anymore time with him. I think as he sees I am more likely to stay with him he has let go of the reins. But It is like I can’t fully let go or trust him yet so I hold back and then occasionally say snidy and mean things to remind him of why. Any advice greatly appreciated or even I just want to vent. I don’t talk to anyone about this anymore S I think people just think I should be over it now.

26 comments posted: Monday, October 7th, 2024

Relationship blame

Here I am posting again.

I just need to vent, and write things down. We are still bumbling along but a few weekends ago my husband got it in his head that I shouldn’t be allowed to see people I told about the affair and his behaviour or as he says the people I destroyed him too. He told me if I really loved him, I would put him first. Anyway, this has got me seriously thinking about leaving just working my exit strategy. Even though he has actually been really nice and helpful.

However, I would like advice for me on how I can change. How much responsibility should we take for them cheating. For instance my husband says prior to the affair he didn’t feel loved by me. I really did love him just didn’t grow up with a lot of physical affection or being told I love you. I think I did a lot for him and that is how I showed him but I think this got less as we had more children and he didn’t help much with them at all.

He also really struggles with the fact that I don’t show physical affection, so don’t kiss him when he gets in or don’t tell him I love him or text him often. We had regular good sex so that wasn’t the problem, it was more the every day small displays. He is right about all of the above. I think part of this is my upbringing but weirdly I can do it with the kids. I don’t know how much of this is the affair and the damage it has done. I guess I am just wondering is it anger and fear that stops me. Did others behave like this? I think 1) I am angry and want to punish him still 2) I don’t want to be vulnerable or be hurt. 3) my religious upbringing maybe and hearing that physical stuff was bad and not having my parents display it. Maybe I just need to find a therapist.

25 comments posted: Friday, May 24th, 2024

Not moving on

I don’t know why I am writing this. I just need somewhere to vent. I heard all you said last time not sure yet if I agree completely as I sometimes feel myself and my husband are stuck in this continued pattern of behaviour and both of us are to blame. I am to blame as most of the time I am busy I don’t think about things, I am a naturally happy person so I am content and when he is out at work I feel mostly happy despite the occasional flashbacks and down days and feeling overwhelmed with 3 kids and a job. I am to blame as I should just not bring it up anymore and just move on and not talk about it anymore to friends which I have tried to stop. am not sure who this helps to give bringing it up.

So again my husband has been in a bad mood this week. Something happened with a supposed work colleague who has betrayed him and treated him badly. I noticed he was in a bad mood but he didn’t seem to want to talk about much. Anyway this week, I hear constantly how no one loves him, he has no friends, I am his only source of support and not a great one. He got really annoyed as I had two meetings with my friends for nights out (I still helped with the bedtime) he accuses me of not wanting to spend time with him(despite the fact that he went out in two work nights, one where the ap was there and he didn’t bother telling me, tbf he comes home at a very reasonable time). I am dreading getting invited out as I know it will cause this cycle of you are always going out galavanting, you don’t want to spend time with me. I have gotten one for my sister in laws birthday in the morning and he go longer speaks to her and again I have gotten the you don’t love me. He always does let me go but he makes such a big deal out of it that in future I am thinking of not going. I am going out a lot more as before this I never went out.

Anyway, last night after him drinking a few drinks he comes into the bathroom as I am doing bath time, and starts bringing up things I have done after dday. You betrayed me etc you nearly cost me my job I would never have been able to work again. I say let it go as the kids are there and I don’t want to talk about it. We are then watching something and he again starts on the you don’t love me, you don’t want to spend time with me. You don’t show me any affection etc. I snap and turn to him and say if that was the case why didn’t you run off with your little girlfriend.

he again turns off the tv tells me to leave, calls me a name or two. I say I am sick of it, and he is always mean when drunk and me and our eldest who is now 7 notices it and calls it ‘ his moods’. After I get a text message from him with notes of what happened and in it, it mentions me snapping about his gf but not the names he calls me.

The next morning, he blames it allon me. You don’t love me, you are cold, leave me or love me. Tbf I am not the most physically affectionate, I think due to my upbringing as my parents did not show much physical affection and they were not overtly affectionate with I love you but I am a very warm, outgoing person and have good friends.

Anyway, I am just sick of this cycle. I want to be more demonstrative with my love but 1. I am tired looking after the kids and working and 2. I think my body holds onto the hurt (I mentally prepare for sex by seeing it as something that will put him in a good mood and I do enjoy it) but he has emotionally, hurt me so badly. Any help appreciated or just some empathy

44 comments posted: Saturday, April 27th, 2024

Arguments and bringing in the A

Hi all,

It has been a while. I am still here. Feeling a lot better in myself. Still married but working on being more independent. I just wanted some advice on how to deal with arguments and not letting it to descend into you cheated on me. I am trying not to mention it much but in arguments it comes out of me. In other ways he is helping a lot more with the kids. Like for instance, we were having an argument over money. My husband is a high earner but we have a lot of expenses as we live in an expensive area. I work part time as we have young children.

My husband has a tendency to lash out verbally but I have recently learnt he doesn’t always mean what he says. So for instance, we had an unexpected big bill for our family car as it had broken down. I was trying to get the cheapest price to get it repaired but he was annoyed when I asked him for money and told me, that I didn’t need access to a car and we should get rid of it and just rely on one car which would be his. The area we live in has terrible public transport so it would leave me quite isolated. He said this in an angry tone in front of my son which stressed him out. Anyway I got annoyed, spent all day looking for cheaper alternatives and paid for it myself but means I have no more money left for the month. I got really annoyed and we descended into an argument. When the kids were in the room my husband was saying that I had a great life and most women would kill to have a high earning husband, not have to work full time etc. I said ‘ yeah most women would kill to have a lying cheating husband and I wanted a divorce as I needed a car’. He became very upset and angry.

I hated myself afterwards as the kids were playing in a corner. Anyway my husband did give me the money and deep down I knew he didn’t mean what he says and he is stressed being the breadwinner. So it often comes out in saying things I know he doesn’t mean as the other car wouldn’t have fit all the kids in. but I react and respond to them and the bring up the affair. He says get over it or leave. I want to do just that but in the mean time to make the environment nicer for the children how do I stop mentioning the A when we argue. What helped?

63 comments posted: Saturday, April 13th, 2024

Do they really need to do the work?

I hear alot about WS needing to do the work ion. Do you really think it is needed for them, not to do it again? I feel like my husband’s affair was a perfect storm of him having a middle life crisis and a young and pretty girl being interested in him. Normally his firm is all male, so that was unusual and the fall out has been huge for him never to do it again

33 comments posted: Tuesday, March 5th, 2024

Negative cycles

Thank you so much for all your replies on my previous thread. I have taken your advice and paused the mc so would appreciate some more advice.

The problem now is that my partner asked me if I loved him and I said no, that I cared about him but he had done a lot of damage to our relationship and hurt me so badly. That I needed to wait and see but we have young children together so as I have said before, I want to give it my all for them. Anyway he is very hurt by this. Since your brilliant advice to focus on myself, I have been doing that and this for some reason means I have started to physically withdraw from him in every way.

I think because he lacks coping strategies and feels alone and isolated. Last night, he started to comment on my physical withdrawal from him I got defensive and then I made a snidy comment about the ow. This the resulted in the usual verbal tongue lashing and swearing at me, I used to answer back but didn’t last night.

I guess my question is, is this just our negative cycle as a couple as the mc would say? I have read up a lot about eft and negative cycles couples can get in. I can notice myself physically withdrawing, I flinch when he comes near me and my husband is getting rejected, saying I don’t meet any of his needs and I didn’t before and am worse now. Is this normal post affair to withdraw physical contact and since this is such a priority for him how do I manage this while I work out what I want to do with this marriage. Is his expectation too much or am I being unfair?

I know some of you will say, as you did before he is abusive but I wonder is this just part of our cycle, I can be cold and not very affectionate and I also tend to hold my feelings in and then explode but since I started to withdraw and focusing on me I am managing this alot better. He can be really kind and very helpful and has made loads of good changes .

Again I heard some of your advice that I should separate, but at present I live in a different country to where I am from and I feel safe here at the moment. When I did temporarily leave him and go back to where I am from it really traumatised the children so don’t want to do this again unless I know for certain what I want.

25 comments posted: Sunday, January 28th, 2024

Continued contact when working together

Nearly a year since I found out but it went on for about two months after I kicked him out despite being very up and down things seemed a bit better. She is really young. He is one of the managers in this very small firm. I thought he had put good boundaries in place with her.He told me she hates him, they barely communicate as she thought it was going to be much more and made plans for that. Anyway I found out that he called her and they had about half an hour chat. they didn’t sound as if they hated each other but no references to meeting up. I heard him talking to her. He deleted the recording and insists they are only this way for work and most of the conversation was about work. He deleted the call log I know he deletes text messages. He won’t show me his phone as in the heat of the argument I tried to call her and she answered. He keeps saying he has done nothing wrong. He is now saying if I want him too he will change office locations which I have wanted all year. He is adamant that he has not had time to be with her as he works from home most days. Am I just being really unreasonable and this is part of them working together. I hate doing this in front of the kids but get so angry.

39 comments posted: Tuesday, January 16th, 2024

Letting go of anger and resentment

I found out 8 months ago my husband was having an affair with a much younger work colleague. We have three young children. At the time, he wasn’t treating me very well, I knew something was wrong but he denied it and let me believe I was going crazy. As a result when I did catch him red handed as such I did actually go a bit crazy and told all my friends, family and his family which we both now have to live with. Thinking it was all over, I kicked him out. He continued the affair for about two months after I found out. I am 100% sure it is over now but he still works with her only seeing her once a week. He had told her he loved her, and although denies it now, had in a fantasy world long term plans with her. He says she hates him now as I think she thought they would run off together.

Everything is a trigger for me. I am so full of anger and resentment. I bring it up a lot and really struggle with the fact she works there. It took him a long time to understand he needed to put in strict boundaries at work. For instance, not going in early when she also goes in before anyone else. He has now done all of this. But I have become mean and bitter. He gets really angry when I do. It is destroying our relationship. We are in counselling. How do I let this go? What worked for others?

17 comments posted: Monday, November 20th, 2023