10 years after divorce

Hi, I was told about this site from another site I'm on and was told it had a wayward side. Hopefully, I could get a better perspective on how I'm feeling, and it could help me. I also just copied and pasted what I had posted over there. I will just answer the questions again if I get the same ones. I have also had more conversations with my ex-husband about what is in my post. So I will add here what he has said to me.

In my post, I mention how my ex-husband doesn't believe we need to talk about our past. I will write here what I replied to someone, since I had another conversation with my ex-husband.

I asked him if he wanted me to stop talking about our past. He told me if I wanted to talk about it, I could, and he would answer any question I have, but he sees no point in bringing things up now; they cannot be changed. He told me that the way he sees it, he hasn't fallen in love with the women he knew 20+ years ago; he hasn't fallen in love with the women he knew 10 years ago. He said he had fallen in love with the woman I have become, not the woman he had known all those years ago.

I was told I had a lot of self-flagellation in my post, so I will put what I replied to them.

A lot have commented about "self-flagellation." Yes, I believe you are right in saying this, and everything has been fine between us until I moved into the home we bought together many years ago. Of course, I have been in it before, but not like this, not alone with my own thoughts, looking outside where my kids used to play, looking at the table where we would have dinner together, helping with their homework, going into their rooms where they sleep, going in the bathroom where I would bathe them, and so on. All the things I have missed out on in their lives, all the memories we shared, and so on—it's just a lot to take in.

Should I be happy that I have my family back? Yes, and I am, but these thoughts don't cross my mind all the time; it's only when I'm alone, and I know I will have to work on these issues. Being back home for a month is not that long, and I think it will take me time to get used to it. The last month has been amazing in so many ways. My kids confide in me; they tell me their problems; they ask for my help. I'm very grateful for my ex-husband giving me a second chance, and I know I will do everything I can to not mess this up.

Original post.

I'm 42. I was with my ex-husband for 12 years, and we were married for 10 of them. We have been divorced for 10 years now. We have 3 kids—DD18, DS17, and DD16.

I would say we had a normal marriage for the first 7 years or so; we rarely fought, and if we did, we were never angry with each other for long. Having three young children and both of us working was tough, but we managed, and I would say we did a good job during those years.

We divorced because I confessed I had an affair; three weeks later, I got served divorce papers. During the divorce, he refused to speak or see me, and so did my kids. I did try to fix my marriage before I confessed my affair, but it was too late. What I had done to them was too much; they all hated me, and, rightfully so, I don't blame them; I deserved it.

I would say our marriage was bad before my affair, but that was also my fault as I got a promotion at work and it went downhill from there. My work became my life, and I neglected my ex-husband and my kids for close to three years.

After our divorce and for the next two and a half years, we had an okay relationship, but it only involved our kids. He wouldn't speak to me if we were alone. I did try, but he wouldn't respond. During this time, I was in therapy and also did family therapy to help rebuild my relationship with my kids. He would come sometimes, but not every time we had it. It took a long time for my kids to trust me again.

So after two and a half years, I continued therapy for another two years. Around this time, my ex-husband and kids had a better relationship with me; he would involve me in family day trips, school holidays, and other holidays; he would book me an extra room when they went on holiday; and it was his time with the kids. He also allowed me to join them on Christmas and birthdays as well; all this was done by asking the kids, and he gave them the option every time if they wanted me there. I will be forever grateful for him doing this, as I believe it helped me so much to fix my relationship with my kids.

I would say that for the next 5 years or so, our relationship got much better, but we never spent time alone with each other; we only spent it with family.
Over the years, I have asked my ex-husband if he wanted to try again, but he said no every time.

Around two years ago, we started to spend time alone together. We got to know each other again; he had changed so much and so had I, and around 15 months ago, when I asked him out on a date, he said yes, and it's been amazing ever since. We are more open, honest, and transparent with each other. This relationship is new, and I know we have a lot of history, but I'm not the same person I was before. I have changed a lot, and we have a much better relationship than we have ever had.

Last month, I moved in with him. I was doing fine up until this point. Sometimes I find myself just crying and asking myself how he could give me a second chance after all I did to break up our family. He never deserved anything I had done to him, and all of it was for my own selfish reasons.

We have spoken about everything many times over the years, and more so now. He told me he had forgiven me many years ago, and I actually believed I had forgiven myself, but I find I have not, and being back together has brought up so many bad memories.

Here is what the problem is: we have been living together for a month; this is the most time we have spent with each other in years. We do talk about what happened, but he believes we both fell out of love with each other over those three years; he accepts blame, but I don't see it that way. I made him fall out of love with me; I fell out of love with him because of my own selfish reasons.

I have started therapy again; it helped last time. My ex-husband believes we don't need to bring up the past at all and just move forward. He says we have a brand new relationship now and we don't need to talk about the past, but I believe we do need to talk about it, as we worked on ourselves separately and never worked on us as we were divorced.

Another conversation we have had is about people we have dated, the last time we saw them, and so on. When we first started to date, he asked if we could date other people. I agreed, and I never dated anyone other than him during those six months. I found out he never did either, which made me feel good, but he did mention a woman he had been seeing before those six months. I know her; she is 25.

I just blurted out loads of questions. He answered them all, and while he says it was just fun between them and no feelings, I still find myself comparing myself to her and wondering why he would pick me if he could just have someone younger. Yes, I know these are not healthy thoughts, and that is one of the reasons I'm going to therapy again.

10 comments posted: Monday, November 20th, 2023