How do I stop lying?

I have a problem with lying. I commit to stopping and feel like I have and then when I have something else I don't want to talk about or don't want to face about myself I somehow do the mental gymnastics to convince myself it's ok in this case. That if I can convince myself something is true then it can be, even if I know in my gut it isn't. It is so hard to explain to anyone what that feels like in my head. That I know it is delusional and self serving and I commit to stop every time, that I somehow manage to tell myself I have even while knowing something is not the whole picture. I know this makes literally zero sense and still cannot understand how both things feel true in my head. And then when the next thing comes up I choose to ignore the reality that reality exists outside of what I want it to be in my head.

I know the answer and the only answer anyone could possibly give is just stop. I have tried and every time tell myself I can just stop. Then I realized again and again that I have again been telling myself it is ok in THIS case--that my internal world is somehow separate or not real because it's just in my head. I know this sounds absolutely insane. I keep saying I wish there was like a technology where someone could see my experience from the inside and what it feels like inside my brain.

I need help with this and I don't know how to get it if I can't explain that "just stopping" doesn't work for me if I can't get out of this way of seeing when I'm in the thick of each specific situation.

7 comments posted: Friday, June 14th, 2024

Does anyone have experience with the site Affair Healing?

Crossposted on Wayward Side:

My BS found a site called Affair Healing and the courses look potentially helpful and more affordable than some similar alternatives. Before we invest through, I was wondering if anyone had experience with it. I'd hate to pay for the why course and find it is just surface level stuff or questions like we've discussed here. And for him, I'm wondering if it is trauma and attachment focused. Thank you!

7 comments posted: Saturday, April 20th, 2024

Does anybody have experience with this site?

My BS found a site called Affair Healing and the courses look potentially helpful and more affordable than some similar alternatives. Before we invest through, I was wondering if anyone had experience with it. I'd hate to pay for the why course and find it is just surface level stuff or questions like we've discussed here. And for him, I'm wondering if it is trauma and attachment focused. Thank you!

1 comment posted: Friday, April 19th, 2024

How do you know when the compassionate thing is to leave?

I don't want to leave. I want to fight. But I see how unforgivable the things I've done are. I'm not like other people here. I've sought this out intentionally, made him an enemy and punished him for things in my head. When I got caught last time I doubled down and made him the enemy again to keep doing it. It was an exit affair at that. I've fucked up at so many points in this process. There is no way for him to ever trust that my efforts are real. I need help figuring out the kind of whys he needs because of how extreme my situation is and unlike anything else online.

I want it because I see what it could have been if I had been kind and vulnerable and genuine and emotionally mature. If I had let myself see who he actually is. I want it because I see what it can be and I genuinely feel like I am learning and growing. But what if my finally being compassionate and empathetic is letting me see how broken I've made him, how unforgivable my actions are, how he could never really trust me again, how he deserves better. I still feel like it's being avoidant because he wants the person that I know I can be and because I want him, but knowing he can never really see me as that person as much as I'm trying, how do I know when that compassion means I need to let him go?

5 comments posted: Monday, April 8th, 2024

I need help

I am shaking and I don't know where else to go.

My BH says I was cruel intentionally--that that was PART of the fun for me. I know I was cruel. I know what I did was fun while I was in it. I know I disregarded his experience--that I was able to turn off my compassion and that THAT was cruel. But in my head I was not enjoying the hurt I was causing him.

He says I was because of the choices I made:

I wrote an article about my AP on BH's birthday. This was because AP's concert was a few days before his birthday. Yes I was distracted and thinking about AP and trying to impress him on BH's birtnday. I did not pick his birthday to hurt him.

One of the lies I told AP was about mine and BH's anniverary--that I was using as a kind of test to see if I wanted to stay. BH says this was intentionally cruel because my texting affair also occured over our anniversary in 2020 and I saw how much it hurt him and was a sticking point. In my head I was in such a fog, all I could think about was how to get what I wanted with AP. I used our anniversary because I could. I KNOW this was cruel. I did not CARE about the hurt it could or would cause BH but I did not do it for the joy specifically OF being cruel.

I laughed at him and with my friends. When BH was suspicious and hurt because I kept texting AP on our anniversary I laughed at his jealousy and laughed off my texting him, saying he was just a friend and he reminded me of my friends back home. I did this so he would not suspect what I was actually doing and feeling. He says I wanted to be cruel because then I kept texting AP and made sure he saw it. I did this because I could not stop texting AP. It was all I could think about. I did not think about how BH would feel. I

When it got to the point I thought I might actually leave, a friend guessed what I was going on and I laughed at the fact that he had guessed it. I showed AP a screenshot of that conversation and laughed with him too. Yes, I know this was cruel. I did not do it for the fun of being cruel. I did it because all I could think about was the adrenaline and excitement. It was all consuming.

There are a bunch of other things like this--giving AP things that were special to me and BH like songs and places. I did this because I wanted to have those things. They were special to me and I wanted them to stay special so I tried to transfer them. This was cruel too. But I did them for me, and not explicitly to make it worse for BH. I know that this is cruel too.

He says I refuse to see things from his experience. That I am refusing to take accountability for the intentionality of the cruelty aspect itself. I am trying so hard. I KNOW this was all cruel and abusive. I know I did these things intentionally. I know had fun while I was doing them. But I also know what it was like in my head. I know that is impossible for him to see it other than me doing it with the purpose of being cruel. But I cannot get out of what I know it felt like in my head. Please either help me understand how to help him understand what was in my head or to understand what I am missing, to help me make the connection. Do all these things put together mean I was doing it to enjoy being cruel?

I need help. I seriously feel like I might have a heart attack right now. He went for a run and I don't know what to do with myself. I know it is probably a panic attack I'm fighting off but I feel like I am going to die and I don't know how to calm down. I am going to try my self soothing techniques from DBT but I feel like I need someone here for a week to keep me from having a breakdown and to walk us through these things one at a time and mediate but I know that isn't possible.

10 comments posted: Thursday, March 14th, 2024

New thread so I don't hijack

Thank you, hikingout, for being so supportive.

Right now it’s even harder because he is still dealing with a lot of fresh shock and grief and he is naturally going to oscillate in how he feels by each minute. Even if you were doing everything perfectly it would not change that.

We are at five months out. I know this feels like an eternity to him. I know it takes a lot of people much longer to get to where we are now. I also know this is not comforting and only comes across as excuses.

His best interest right now is seeing you will not waver in what you want, it’s part of earning trust and being reliable.

Thank you for the reminder. I have been really trying to do this. I know he needs reassurance. I just get in my head when he says I am actively choosing to continue the abuse by saying I want to be here. I know that's not what I'm doing, but my desperation not to hurt him anymore makes me question if I am hurting him more by trying.

You need to find a way to ground yourself so that you can be his shock absorber. Be present, try and remain calm. If you need a minute or some time to answer thoughtfully, be transparent and say "you deserve an answer to that, sometimes my mind is shutting down out of panic and I just need a moment to collect myself and absorb what you are asking me."

I have been trying to do this but he sees it as me taking time out to figure out how to further craft the lies.

I really think a lot of it comes down to me needing to not have him believe me or my intentions--just continuing to try anyway and hoping he will eventually see it.

26 comments posted: Monday, February 12th, 2024

Reconciliation After WS planned to leave?

Hi, WS here. A sticking point for my BH is the fact that I actually wanted to leave him for my AP. It is difficult for him because of the hurt but also because the stories he's read of people who are able to R are not like that. I have read Pittman's Book Private Lies, which talks about "romantic affairs" and how this is the pattern in those. I am working on figuring out how and why it got to that point, but I'd also be so thankful for any stories of any real people who were in this situation who reconciled. Thank you.

23 comments posted: Monday, February 12th, 2024

Finding your why

I know that finding your why is important and I know that it has been said here that you keep going deeper by asking yourself "why?" again for each subsequent answer. I feel like I need more guidance for HOW to do this though.

Like what if I don't know the answers? What if the answer just seems like, "Because I am selfish and entitled and ungrateful" and I don't know the why to that? What if the answer to that is past trauma, which I know is not an excuse? How do I find the "why?" for why I coped with that trauma so poorly? How do I find the "why?" for why I went about it in a way that caused maximum damage?

What did that introspection process look like for you and how did you actually get somewhere meaningful and productive with it?

12 comments posted: Monday, January 22nd, 2024

Advice Needed on Current Questions

I could use some input on a few questions right now. Thank you in advance for your help.

How do you control your fight, flight, or freeze response when your BS is angry so that you can engage and be there for them in a mature way?

When digging for your "why?" has anyone else encountered a mental health diagnosis? If so, or I guess even if not, how do you accept your "why?" while not using it as an excuse? I know the answer is that you just don't-- you acknowledge it and also acknowledge the inexcusability of your behaviors, but what does this actually LOOK like? Like beyond saying this, what does living it look like?

I watched a helpful video which talked about the importance of helping your BS know you are trying, above anything, to win them back--to pursue them. How do you balance this without "love bombing" them?

Thank you again.

3 comments posted: Friday, January 12th, 2024

New here. We are in crisis.

I am a ws who has had traitorous thoughts since the beginning of my 15 year relationship (11 years married). We have two children, ages 7 and 10.

I had an online emotional affair with sexting in 2020 and was found out and reconciled.

I had an emotional affair, the timeline of which is fuzzy because I orchestrated and worked toward it for two years that was found out in September.

I have struggled every step of the way to get out of the fog, stop lying and gaslighting, feel and express true remorse, make it about him instead of me, admit the depth of my betrayal and deception, provide a full disclosure (I relate to what I've read here about forgetting and the details that seem insignificant to a ws being everything to a bs and also to the fact that I was using delusion with myself and deceipt with him).

He has begged me to find resources on my own this whole time and finally, as I felt the threat of him leaving, I did so and landed here. So many things I've read resonated.

I gave what I thought was a full disclosure admitting the fact that I have looked for every opportunity to betray since we were together last night. He, understandably, thinks there will always be something more, as I have trickle truthed and swore it was everything every time.

I have a list of action points I will do for the next several days in an attempt to actually address the needs he has begged me to meet. I am terrified that it is too late. From reading here I know I must give up on controlling outcomes in my attempts to do this but I cannot yet get there in my heart or brain. I am desperate and scared and I know it is nothing compared to what he is going through. I want to give my life to whatever I can do for these lives I've ruined. I am here for accountability and support.

10 comments posted: Sunday, December 31st, 2023