Struggling

Hi all,

I'm really struggling at the moment. My wife found a series of messages between me and an ex on Christmas morning. We toughed it out through Christmas and I spent a few days back with my parents in the run up to NYE.

We have talked at length about the whats and whys of the affair and we both want to try and work on us.

The affair was emotional and lasted a few months. I never met up with the other woman. I never had any intention of doing so.

My self-esteem was lacking. My wife and I had a tough pregnancy before welcoming our amazing son into the world. I still felt lonely and isolated. I've lost all my adult friendships in recent years and haven't been emotionally mature enough to try and build healthy ones, I guess that's a fear of rejection and being hurt or used again. I connected with this other person on social media (she added me, accepting the request was the first mistake), and she became someone I could talk to. This spiralled and I engaged in sexting and flirtatious chats.

It's not been easy on either my wife or I since. Especially her. It kills me to see how much pain she's in and knowing that it was me, her supposed rock, who caused that. I feel like I'm constantly on edge around her now. If we have a couple of good days I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. She wants me to make more of an effort in our relationship, to plan for family days and date nights. Our only family able to help with childcare are my parents who live close by.

Unfortunately my grandmother has been in and out of palliative care for the last months and my father's emotional state is very up and down. I don't want to add any additional burden to a man who's already on the emotional edge. I don't want to let my wife down and not make her feel like she and my son are my top priority.

I've started individual therapy, we have also talked about couples therapy too once we have both completed our own.

I'm not really looking for advice on this post. I know I need to figure things out myself. I guess this is just a vent. An opportunity to write and post. I've tried using a diary but it doesn't feel organic.

I have planned out 49 potential date ideas. I know that my wife wants more from me in affection and words of reassurance.

I just need to be better.
I feel like a wretched person but I know I can be better.

11 comments posted: Saturday, February 3rd, 2024