Slowly dying

We have been married 23 years - 24 in May. Together 25 years in April. He was my only boyfriend ever.

I am about 2 weeks from discovering my husbands affair. I found messages going back about 4 months and probably would’ve believed him if he said it was just months and only messages. He told me it had been physical and it had been going on 5 years.

By poring over the messages and taking bits and pieces of what was said I know it’s more like 9 years. I now know she’s been *in* my home several times.

My husband had to drive 2 hours away a lot to care for his mom. OW lives at the halfway point. And he would always tell me he stops in that city for a bathroom break. Sometimes a quick nap - which I now assume should be ‘nap.’

He took her on a business trip. He booked a hotel for every birthday. While I felt like an afterthought every birthday and holiday. This year he got me nothing for my birthday. I was hurt but didn’t let it show because we were paying for a big trip. Which happened *days* after I found out.

We went to the happiest place on earth as chaperones for our sons band.

I am in contact with OW and she’s been very forthcoming with information. She has unfriended and blocked him. Apparently in this 10 year relationship they never exchanged phone numbers.

I’ve found evidence of ‘flirting’ and skirting the line of emotional cheating in the past. Probably even while he was seeing her. We even did individual annd marriage counseling ant one point which would have been anbout 2 years into the anffair.

And I really *want* to save our marriage. But most days I just can’t see how that will happen.

I feel like the last 10 years of our marriage was all a lie. And had I known when it started I would never have moved to this state. We moved for a job. But I had a fantastic support system in our old area - all friends, but closer in distance to family than we are now.
We’ve both had STD testing. I have counseling tomorrow. He has counseling in Feb. I have given him 4 things he has to do - basically to prove he cares enough to work on this:

STD testing ✔️
Schedule individual counseling ✔️
Schedule marriage counseling ….
Find someone to tell because I didn’t create this burden and it shouldn’t only be mine to say out loud ….

And on that last note we have a pastor in the area that we both *really* like who has been very open about his infidelity and what it did to his family *and* their reconciliation. I know he would talk to husband. I know if I reach out he will talk to husband - but that defeats the purpose? Right?

I have told a few family members and some coworkers/friends.

Im trying very hard to wait for guidance to help me set appropriate boundaries and rules. Because I am a peacemaker (if you’re familiar with enneagram) and could very easily just decide well, Z doesn’t actually matter any more to me and stuff that desire deep down inside when it actually mattered the whole time.

I’ve discovered I’ve done that about a lot of stuff in my relationship. Which I will take ownership of when we get to that point.

Other info: 4 kids 19, 17, 15, 12 - all still in school. 19 yo is a senior, 17 a junior, 15 a freshman and 12 yo 6th grade.

I do work - but as a toddler teacher in a Christian school making barely over $20,000/year. H is a fairly high wage earner - over 150,000.

13 comments posted: Friday, January 12th, 2024