Our Therapist told me not to R!

For background DDay was Nov 2023.

Myself and WH have been living apart since then (my choice) but trying to R since Dec 2023.

We have been in weekly couples therapy (his suggestion) since the start of 2024 up until mid March.

We stopped sessions at the end of March as WH said he couldn’t afford to keep it up, so I informed my therapist we would be stopping for the time being.

The therapist replied to me saying if ever I want IC he is happy to do that. I said I might do and left it for a while and at one point received another email with potential dates if I was interested and the wording seemed like he was really eager to speak to me.

Part of me wondered if he was trying to keep the money flowing, but another niggling feeling was that he wanted to talk to me separately. I was intrigued what he had to say about me and my partner so I booked one and went yesterday.

Well I was shocked at what he said to me. Normally he is very impartial during our couples therapy, doesn’t show much emotion and to be honest doesn’t say that much.

I realise now that the reason he doesn’t say much is because he doesn’t think we should R.

He spoke like a switch had been turned on at last and he didn’t stop the whole session. He said he’s been thinking about me since our sessions ended and that he’s been worried for me. How manipulative and lacking of remorse/inability to change my partner is. He told me I deserve so much better and that if I were a friend his words would be much stronger than what he can say in a professional setting. He essentially told me my partners treatment of me is terrible and he strongly urged me to consider my options.

I can’t ignore what my therapist has said, I think it’d be madness to do so. I just feel so sad that it seems R is just not going to be possible - and weirdly WH has been perfect this weekend, doing all the right things and helping massively around the house.

I think it hits harder knowing this professional has met my WH also and has seen him many times to be able to make the judgement he has. The fact he has seen no change or ability to take accountability makes me so sad - because maybe I was fooling myself that he was.

At the moment I’m acting like everything is normal (my WH doesn’t know I did the IC.) I don’t really know where to go from here - luckily he lives separately from me for the time being - but we also have children so my decision to stop R will affect them also.

I just feel sad and shocked at the response I got. I’m grateful for what he told me but it’s almost like someone has made my decision for me and I feel scared to go ahead with it.

Has anyone had any firm message like this from a therapist?

For those in couples therapy or those who had been in it, if your therapist had said this to you, would you leave?

39 comments posted: Friday, May 3rd, 2024