36 Years later and I get hit with the bombshells

Hello everyone, new guy here and obviously completely gutted to find out everything I have in the past couple of days. I guess I should start with some background information. My W and I will be married 30 years this year and have been together for 36 years. We met while in college and I was a very naive 19-year-old virgin who was starved for attention from the fairer sex. I had dated a bit here and there but nothing serious. I met my W through a mutual friend that she worked with. Our first meeting was very interesting as the first words she said to me was "ooo, I want some" and removed the Rayban wayfarer sunglasses from my face. I was automatically infatuated that a girl this beautiful gave me this type of attention upon our first meeting. Anyway, from there we became friends even though she was much more friendly than any girl I had ever met we started a friendship. As time went by we began to hang out all the time together. I would spend time at her apartment and even spend the night lying next to her holding her hand. This was all strictly plutonic and there was never any sexual contact of any sort. As time went by I became the confidant. She would tell me about all her dates or hook ups and I would have to suffer as she would go out on dates while I was there trying to get her attention for that same purpose. She would tell me about her trysts like I was her girlfriend, which in retrospect I guess I was. I knew the details of all her exploits at the time she was somewhere around the dozen mark at 18 years old. I said to myself it did not bother me but it obviously did. As time went on every now and then we would kiss and spend a lot of time together, that is unless she had a date. I could tell when there was someone new as she would not kiss me on the lips but offer her cheek instead. As time went on (about 7 months) one day she called me and told me she loved me, I thought yes, finally what I have been waiting for all this time. A short time later we had sex and that was the start of our romantic relationship. Through the progression of our relationship, she would deny me certain things sexually or be very cold towards me which would trigger me to throw her past in her face. "You did everything with him, but I have to beg for it", was how most of the fights went along.

After six years dating, I asked her to marry me and she happily accepted. Fast forward through many years of fights and arguments over sex and one amazing child, things were not great in our relationship. We seemed to be constantly fighting, mostly over sex or the things I would ask for and be denied. It always went back to you did everything for all the other guys, but I have to beg for anything I want or need.

So, the relationship went from good to bad like a rollercoaster neither of us could get off of. So fast forward to February 2024. We had begun to try and work on more of the sexual issues we have had for the entire marriage and things were starting to get better. One day, for what reason I don't know I walked by her nightstand and there was a journal that I had bought her years ago. It had been there for years but for some reason this day I picked it up and thumbed through it. What I found made my stomach drop. It was a poem or lyrics to a song that she had been writing that outlined she had been with a guy who happened to be a very close personal friend and was a groomsman in our wedding! It had date specific lyrics and references to pinpoint that she had been with him six months before our wedding. There were also specific things that told the story of exactly who the person was without a doubt. When we got home that evening, I got the journal and asked her to explain what I had read. At first, she tried to say that it was just a song she was writing and that it did not mean anything. After looking her dead in the eye and asking her if she had slept with him, she admitted to the affair. She claimed that she was drunk and in a bad way because of a death in her family and that it just happened. Well, she had known this person her whole life and we were all good friends at this point.

After finding this out and that she had kept this secret for 30 years I began to ask about anything else that she might need to tell me. A couple of days later we had another conversation about when she wrote the song, and I asked her if anything was going on during that time frame. Well, you all know the answer yes. She said that they had been having a texting and flirting relationship a year ago and that was all it was. I continued to press and come to find out it was more than just messages. They had been meeting to talk and for coffee from time to time. Turns out it was much more than that, they had been messing around in his care and went as far as giving him a BJ in the car in a public parking lot. Well, you can imagine my reaction. Not only was she cheating but it was with the same guy from 30 years earlier who has been part of our lives this whole time. Needless to say, I was devastated and had a reaction you can all relate to.

Having been looking through the forums yesterday I began to wonder if there was anything else she had kept from me, I mean if you can hide something for that long anything is possible. So again, I confront her and tell er that if we have any chance at R I need to have full disclosure about anything and everything that may have happened over the years. So, after much prodding she finally admitted to five other affairs she had while we were together. So, over our time together unmarried she had five separate affairs and while we were married one BJ with the same guy from before.

I am all over the place, emotions are all screwed up, can't eat or sleep and I have never heard myself cry with the type of intensity that I have. I am trying to figure out how to exist at this moment and it is a challenge to say the least. Upon learning about the most recent indiscretion, I agreed to counseling and we do have an appointment next week, but with all of these other revelations I am not sure what to do. She seems remorseful and has already cut complete contact with the guy and agreed to any tracking or monitoring I ask for. I just don't know if I have the strength to carry on. There have also been new revelations of childhood sexual assault she experienced and never got help for so I have to take into consideration that those unresolved issues may have led to all of this but I'm not sure.

Sorry for such a long-drawn-out post, but I needed to get some of this out and I am asking for any advice on how to cope until I decide what I want to do and how to get there. Thanks for reading.

27 comments posted: Sunday, February 11th, 2024

36 Years later and I get hit with the bombshells

Duplicate post

0 comment posted: Thursday, February 8th, 2024