What new thoughts did you accept to move on?
Not to long ago WH and I went out with some friends to a music trivia night. We all had a fabulous night! One ‘funny’ thing happened though - at one point the host asked us all about our relationships, assuming to hook up some singles. But he did ask all those in a committed relationship going home with their partner to raise their hand.
Well my WH put his hand up. I gave him a filthy look and said ‘um I don’t this so mate, that is definitely not us anymore’.
Then today I was reading through another thread where it is obvious not everyone believes in true R. And even though that is what I am trying to do I think I completely agree.
I no longer consider my marriage a committed one and I know I never will. The truth is I think my WH would absolutely do it again given the chance. I also read some articles the other day where they interviewed couple after infidelity and one couple said ‘sex’ was not the main focus of their marriage so why let a few little flings wreck an otherwise good union.
All of this has really got me thinking (I’m a terrible over thinker at the best of times 😂). I know I stayed for my son and my finances but seriously I’ll be fucked if this stupid affair will not let me enjoy my life. So I have accepted that my marriage is not one in fairy tales (god not even close) and my husband, whilst a good husband in many ways can not be trusted around women who show any interest in him. Well that’s how I feel about him at the moment.
But that’s ok. That is the life I am now going to lead and I will just try to enjoy it best I can.
10 comments posted: Wednesday, November 27th, 2024
Why couldn’t he be this husband before? Why can’t I just not think about the A?
Life is hectic at the moment!!!! I feel overwhelmed often and WH is stepping up to the plate - more than I expect actually. And I make sure I tell him how much I appreciate him because I think credit should be given when credit is due.
BUT why? Why could have not been like this before his affair? Why can’t I be thankful for how wonderfully supportive he is being emotionally and physically without still thinking ‘yeah but he had an affair’! When will I ever just go back to loving and appreciating him without these shit thoughts as well.
I look forward to sitting with him on the couch, love date night and family nights, enjoy cuddling in bed - so why do these stupid soul crushing thoughts of the affair still keep coming up. I feel it’s been a while now, I’ve accepted what’s happened, I’m living my choice and he really hasn’t given me any reasons to doubt his commitment to R.
So frustrating!!!!
11 comments posted: Friday, November 22nd, 2024
The fights are not about the affair anymore
Last week I had a post about seeing the AP for the first time.
WH and I had a big fight but it was not about the affair. It was about him and his behaviour after I saw her.
One thing I realised now though, after we have yelled, screamed and finally calmly had discussions is that this is the first time our fight wasn’t about the A itself. It was the first fight where I didn’t throw the A in his face but rather concentrated on what I need from him to be a better partner. And yes he may have not handled himself the way I wanted him to exactly but at the same time he actually handled the situation way better than he would have before.
We have also just a a family long weekend away and not once did I think of the A, in 4 whole days. I hate to admit it but I didn’t log on here until we got home. I think that’s a massive leap for me.
2 comments posted: Sunday, October 27th, 2024
I saw the AP - she just walked straight by!
WH and I have been doing well. Still bad days but in the whole doing well. We have been living our new normal with me having fewer and fewer meltdowns etc
Then a couple of days ago I was at a local market just minding my own business waiting for my coffee when AP just walks past with her boyfriend. I have seen pics of her and seen her in her car but I have never seen her in the flesh so to speak.
I’ve often thought I’d seen her but was always mistaken but not this time. It was definitely her. I was close enough to punch her in the face like I’ve always wanted to (😂) but instead I just watched her walk by. I stared at her the whole way.
It hasn’t made me angry like I thought it would but it’s made me so sad. I’ve asked my husband to not physically touch me and that’s weird for me for this long. I don’t have anger for him but it has bought up al the feelings of WTF again.
Whilst she is just a normal looking person I just can’t believe how ordinary she really is. If there was no emotional attachment what the fuck was there to want to blow us your life.
I’m just flat - feeling nothing but blah right now.
7 comments posted: Sunday, October 20th, 2024
A weekend of feeling normal
This weekend has been hectic and so busy. On Saturday WH, myself and our eldest sons were all in a team for a charity soccer carnival. We had such a blast. Then Sunday was full of house chores, work for myself and the eldest boy and a party for the youngest son.
When I was cooking dinner and chatting to WH Sunday night completely exhausted I looked at him and realised not once over the weekend did I feel awful or bad. I felt completely normal all weekend.
Previous to this I would always feel like someone might see through us. That they could tell my marriage was a lie and filled with infidelity (that may sound dumb). But not once did I feel this way. I felt like a normal couple. And the only issue we had was when I got up him for arguing with the ref 😂
This was a good weekend 💚
3 comments posted: Sunday, October 13th, 2024
Honeymoon Period
Once you have started to feel ok for ‘most’ of the time, when you feel like life and marriage is getting back to normality is there like some sort of honeymoon phase?
Sometimes I feel so loved again, like at the start of a new relationship BUT will this all just come crashing down around me???
2 comments posted: Tuesday, October 8th, 2024
Safe Partner Vs. No opportunity
This type of thinking is a bit strange I think but does anyone wonder if their WS is now a ‘safe partner’ vs just not having the opportunity to have another affair.
My WH did not go searching for an AP but rather just fell into his lap (pardon the pun). He just didn’t say no when that horny young co-worker flirted with him. Now he has done a lot of work on himself, which I can see and I guess admire. He obviously swears black and blue that he would never do this to me/us again. But sometimes I just think it is because he may just not get the opportunity.
It’s like I want him to be tested. Like I want someone to hit on him and him say no for some proof. I know this could be true of any partner but after his affair it’s a thought that pops into my head regularly and I have also said it to him.
Does anyone else feel/think this way?
6 comments posted: Monday, October 7th, 2024
Healing
I see a lot of BS put posts on hear about healing and that they needed to learn how to put themselves first, concentrate on hobbies, friends etc etc as they had lost all that in their relationship.
I didn’t have that problem. I had hobbies, good friends, fun with the kids and a great career, so when it came to healing I was a bit lost really. Originally I just kept doing it but then somehow have gone backwards .
I know the marriage was in a hit of trouble even without infidelity so I was already throwing myself at everything else so when all the shit hit the fan I think without realising I started to throw everything at the marriage instead. I haven’t been running as much nor seeing friends as often.
After an amazing weekend of fun with friends and hubby I hit a big low point but really had no idea why. I think now it’s because I lost the balance I was so desperately looking for and just blamed the affair again. It seems I blame the affair for most problems I have but know I have to stop doing that.
Adulting is hard!!!! So this weekend I’ve registered with my running club again, will go watch hubby play a soccer game and have organised a games night with the kids.
Happy weekend everyone 💚
3 comments posted: Friday, September 27th, 2024
Why even get married
Does anyone ever just wonder why we bother being married or in serious relationships?
Some people are just so shit, these stories I keep reading about infidelity are just plain depressing. I honestly am starting to think being single is an option that is very appealing. Like even the new good times with WH don’t even come close to evening out the pain he has caused. And maybe it’s not supposed to but it feels to me like it should.
I feel this way often and am starting to think divorce really might be in my future (again).
5 comments posted: Monday, September 23rd, 2024
Mixed Emotions
How can you love but hate someone so much! (Ok so hate may be a bit strong)
My WH has shown sooooo much growth in a year. Just the other day we were taking about ‘everything’ and he said how much he enjoys talking as a couple. I said yeah see it’s pretty easy and he replied ‘No it’s not easy but it’s worth it and it makes us such a better couple’. It took a lot for me not to just break down and cry in that moment. This comes from one of the most emotionally mute people I’ve ever met!
Then, this afternoon he rang is Nan (we are both lucky to still have living grandparents) after not ringing her for a while and i here him apologise for not being in contact much lately and that he didn’t know about her fall. So an apology from a man who blamed and excused every poor action he ever does.
I’m so proud and happy he is doing all this work and becoming an amazing emotionally supportive man.
But fuck I hate it took an affair for him to see all of this!!!! Like why did he have to scrape the bottom of a barrel before he realised he could be this person.
How do you get over this? How can you know your partner is becoming a better person, a wonderful person but was just so awful and broke you previously to this.
6 comments posted: Sunday, September 22nd, 2024
Plan Of Lethal Flatness ?
Can someone please explain POLF to me or point me in the direction of where I can read about it.
I have seen it mentioned in a lot of posts but not sure what is really is 🙏
4 comments posted: Thursday, September 19th, 2024
Special Moments
Just over a year out from D-Day and it’s my birthday and I have realised that if there is a ‘special’ moment that is just for me or him I don’t want to celebrate it with him. Father’s Day was the same, I cooked brekkie and we did presents as a family but then I was just miserable (but it was D-Day anniversary 1 in fairness).
I’m excited to celebrate with my family and friends but not just him. I know he has organised a date for us on the upcoming weekend and I just don’t want to go.
We’ve just celebrated our little boys birthday last week and I was so full of happiness and joy for that but just nothing that is special for us.
It’s so weird, I always feel excited for these upcoming events but when they arrive I just deflate. Anyone else get like this? Does happiness and excitement ever return for special moments?
6 comments posted: Tuesday, September 17th, 2024
Totally Rattled
On my way to work this morning I have ended up driving behind / besides my WH’s AP. She works about 500m from where I work.
It has really rattled me. My body was shaking when I got out of the car and now I can absolutely not concentrate. Obvious as I post on here during work hours.
Fuck infidelity- it is just so awful and the pain and ongoing trauma seems like it will never end 😞
4 comments posted: Friday, September 13th, 2024
Does infidelity erase all the good?
So this last year I can see some major changes in my WH. He is back to being the man I married. He is the helpful, fun and kind man I remember but with more. He is now more communicative, he is more thoughtful, less selfish and shows a softer side. He is not the man I was sick of and thinking of divorcing.
But he is still the man that had an affair with his young co-worker.
I can see how much work he puts into our son and my son from previous marriage. He is a very hands on dad, soccer coach, taxi, room renovater and both boys love and idolise him so much.
But he is still the man that had an affair with his young co-worker.
He is no longer lazy, he helps with so much more around the house and I think he does more than me if I’m honest. He comes with me to running events. He wants to know how my day was, everyday.
But he is still the man that had an affair with his young co-worker.
I see other people’s marriages where the spouse would drive me crazy and I could not imagine being married to them BUT they don’t cheat.
When do I stop defining him by his affair? When has he paid his penance for what he did? When do I like the thought of being married to him again? At the moment I can’t imagine ever feeling fully ok.
Just some Sunday thoughts! I hope everyone has had wonderful weekend 💚
11 comments posted: Sunday, September 8th, 2024
Question for BS that have had D-Day 2
Hi,
I was hoping to ask a question of any BS’s that have had a second D-Day years after D-Day 1.
What was your for R like? Did your WS do the work or did you just move on from A1 with no change? Did your WS fall back into ‘bad’ characteristics/habits again before the second A or were they still exhibiting good characteristics of being a safe and loving partner?
I’m so scared moving forward this is all going to happen again and no there are no guarantees but to just to hear some stories with this experience would be beneficial (I think).
12 comments posted: Thursday, September 5th, 2024
Consequences
Why do you think our WS’s didn’t think of or care about consequences? Do you think they just downplay them?
I was discussing this topic yesterday with my WH and it just has me baffled! I asked him where did he think he would live our son if I had divorced him and he just said ‘I don’t know’.
Like he literally had no plans in place at all because he honestly did not consider the consequences of his actions. It’s actually one of his main flaws that he has since recognised in himself. I’m not sure if it’s arrogance or if it’s that he has never really much in his life to lose so never thought about consequences. Maybe it’s both.
I just don’t get it though. I never make one decision in life without thinking of every possible outcome. It still makes me shake my head in bewilderment
30 comments posted: Tuesday, September 3rd, 2024
I have survived the first year!L
Today is the 1st year anniversary of D-Day!
As i lie here in bed next to my WH I think about the crazy shit show of this year. I think about the emotional pain I have gone though, I think of how much our lives have changed and how our marriage will never be the same.
When I first found this forum I was six months out. I was in desperate need of support because I could not understand why I was still in such a crazy state from the affair. I thought 6 months should have been plenty of time to ‘get over’ what my husband had done. How wrong I was 😂
I had never felt so much rage and anger, my heart had never been so broken, the emotional pain this caused was overwhelming. I felt a confused state of shame and embarrassment whilst having no control of the situation that created it. My life and mind were chaos!
The wonderful people of this forum gave and continue to give me the best advice. At 6 months this forum helped me realise I was trying to fix a marriage of two people who were both broken rather than us work on ourselves first. From that point a lot changed and healing for myself and self discovery and character building/change for my husband began.
My WH began to read books recommended on here, he did IC, he started to change his ways and became a better communicator, listener and supporter. We talked more, we did more as a whole family unit and we made time to spend as a couple. He showed me he has fight and ambition in him, can actually admit when he is wrong and he can be vulnerable.
I am now full back into all my usual things I love - my work, running, friends, organising fun trips for all of us and I can see how my life has potential to be extremely good.
But I now know how this rug can be pulled out at anytime. I have grown as a person from this. I’m no longer naive in relationships/friendships and recognise when it’s only me doing all the work or giving. I now have fewer relationships with people but the ones I do have are more meaningful.
Some great pieces of advice I was given to help heal were:
1. It all takes time and everyone is different in how long they take to heal. I lost count of times people on SI have told me to slow down and be patient. This one was really hard for me as I am a planner and always have a deadline.
2. WH chose to cheat - nothing I did or not do caused this. While I knew this, having these thoughts reinforced really helped. In saying that WH whilst saying he was unhappy in our marriage he only ever blamed himself.
3. IC is more important than MC at the beginning of all this. I was lucky to find a therapist who point blank told us both that and ended up being a wonderful IC for both myself and WH.
4. Just sit with and feel each thought and emotion. I was trying to fight these ‘bad’ feelings all the time but it was making me angrier the just letting them come and go naturally.
5. Deciding whether you R or D does not have to be made immediately and you can change your mind at any point.
Right now my life is good. I am good. I still hate the fact my marriage has been effected so negatively by my WH and his infidelity but I accept it has happened. There are still things I can’t do eg wear my engagement ring but I am willing to keep trying to save our marriage as long as my WH keeps showing up and is continues to try to be a better person. I know my D plan if it all goes pear shape again but I am truly hopeful that doesn’t happen.
Thank you to all who have given me advice it honestly has been one of the main reason I have ‘survived’ this. Without you listening and responding I may have still been in a big cloud of angry confusion 💚
4 comments posted: Sunday, September 1st, 2024
How did you decide infidelity was a deal breaker?
So my WH has been a pretty good WS, if there is such a thing. I really can’t complain about his behaviour since D-Day except for one omission of truth about going to a soccer game 🙄He has done all the right things and always accepted responsibility while trying to figure out what his issues are.
BUT even when your WS is doing everything right how do you know you truly want to stay? How long did it take the decision to leave or stay?
I know if this was my marriage before his A I would have been happy as a pig in mud. But it’s hard to be happy with a marriage that is only better after an affair.
Not sure if it’s because I’m a week or so out from the first anniversary of D-Day that’s making me think like this but I am curious to know if others still left even though they had ‘good’ WS’s.
19 comments posted: Thursday, August 22nd, 2024
Sticking Point
Does anyone else feel confused when it comes to reconciling and being married?
I’ve told hubby whilst I’m willing to give us a second chance (and we are doing ok) still being married is hard for me. In Aust you have to be separated for a year before you file for divorce and will nearly always end up in some court when you have kids together even if the split is amicable.
I wish I could divorce him while still being in a long term relationship, raising our kids. The fact he broke that part of the marriage vow makes our marriage null and void to me now. I’m hoping one day these feelings may change because I do like being married. I take marriage vows very seriously and really love my husband.
Thoughts? Anyone else feel/felt like this?
3 comments posted: Saturday, August 17th, 2024
What is true Reconciliation?
Hi All,
I know we have this whole topic of ‘Reconciliation’ and I believe my WH and myself are in the middle of reconciling (I think) but what does it truly mean? When do you know you are fully Reconciled?
I’m 2 weeks out from a full year since DDay so fully realise we have a very long way to go in recovery. I assume we have started the process of reconciling as we are living a pretty normal life these days, meltdowns are definitely becoming less and whilst we talk about the affair still it is mostly always very calm and it’s more about what WH has learnt about himself as a result of it rather than details of the affair itself.
I guess I’m just curious about what other thinks about this. Is it a very individual thing or is there a very specific set of rules / milestones you have to achieve to meet true reconciliation (lol)?
4 comments posted: Monday, August 12th, 2024
Monthly Mantra
So I’m in the middle of my first affair season. My WH’s affair was a month long - Aug 2023.
I’m not handling it perfectly but handling it better than I thought I would. So a big thought popped in my head is now going to be my mantra for the month - ‘You already know this’.
When my mind is racing I just have to remember - I’m learning nothing new, I’ve already accepted what has happened and now I am in healing mode!
Fuck infidelity and my cheating husband - it is not going to destroy my life or my happiness. I will make a great future for myself and my kids regardless of what happens in my marriage 💚
5 comments posted: Thursday, August 8th, 2024
The Start of D-Day Month
So one year today my WH went out for drinks with work colleagues. I actually forced him to go because I was sick of him just staying home and being boring.
That night was the beginning of the end for my marriage as I knew it (I just didn’t find out for another month). This is where all the flirting, sexual innuendo and the hand touching began.
I thought I would struggle with today and the whole month to be honest. But so far so good. I’m sure it will hit me like a tonne of bricks at some point. Just good to know you guys are hear if/when it does 💚
1 comment posted: Monday, August 5th, 2024
Small things!
What are some specific examples did your wayward showed you they were working on themselves and implementing them into everyday life?
I have been not sleeping at all well this week and I woke up grumpy as all get out this morning. I was having a whinge and WH said to me ‘do you know why you’re having trouble sleeping? Are there things on your mind that are stopping you?’.
In the past he would just say briars statements like ‘your brain is always too busy’. The fact he is now asking and actually caring why is a way I am seeing change.
I love running, albeit at turtle pace 😂. I would normally go to events with friends or on my own. But this year he has come to most of my events plus even participated in one (he HATES running). And this week he is even giving up a soccer game to drive me to my next event (which I’m very anxious about as it’s a little out of my depth) and has organised a night with the family the night before.
The other night I asked him to say something about me that he didn’t like or would like me to change about myself. And he actually told me two things. I was amazed at this because one of his big issues is avoiding conflict at all costs, including telling me things that make him unhappy.
He stands with me every night while I cook dinner and we chat chat chat about our days, catch up in the kids, talk about news - it’s just so refreshing compared to when I’d cook dinner by myself while he watched TV.
I know these may not seem like big deals for some, and honestly this should have been happening all along. But I see these examples as huge improvements for us. 💚
5 comments posted: Friday, July 26th, 2024
I’m just scared!
You know it’s hard when you’re trying to be this strong kick arse woman to admit you’re just plain scared.
Scared you’ll be hurt all over again, scared you are giving a second chance to someone who maybe just does not deserve it, scared you’ve made the wrong decision, scared to be vulnerable and let that person (who was meant to love you but smashed your heart into pieces) be the one you confide in and let hold you.
This is me - I’m just so scared. I find a new reason every week to make both our lives uncomfortable. This week is ‘I don’t want to have an orgasm with him as ‘she’ had one 🤦🏽♀️. I don’t want us to forget, I want him to hurt, I don’t want him to think he got away with this.
BUT I have to remember I am giving this gift of a second chance because I do love him (not just because of money and the kids), I know that what he did is one of the worst things he could ever do BUT he is doing all the work. He is remorseful, he has told me everything, he never loses his patience about any of it. He is trying to the best of his ability to change the shitty behaviours he did before the A, he is digging deep and learning about himself - the good, bad and the ugly.
I don’t want to be scared any more. I want to move forward with confidence albeit with caution and no naivety.
9 comments posted: Wednesday, July 24th, 2024
How do you know?
I have read on many posts on SI that both the WS and the BS need to ‘heal’ before they can truly reconcile.
What does that mean? How do you know when either of you are healed?
13 comments posted: Friday, July 19th, 2024
Silent Divorce
I had heard the term ‘silent divorce’ before but had never really understood what it meant. I looked it up today as I’m not doing the best ATM and found out that is what I had before my WH affair.
Like WTF am I actually trying ti save here. We already had a shitty marriage and now there is an affair to throw in the mix. Seriously think I’m just wasting my life right now.
My therapist said to me in a session once ‘sometimes the shit really has to hit the fan’ before we realise we need to do something. Maybe it’s just to late for that now 😣
4 comments posted: Tuesday, July 16th, 2024
Weak Boundaries
So after reading over a very recent post and all the replies I feel like I may have set what most would consider ‘weak’ boundaries with regards to my WH and R.
My boundaries are:
- apply for new jobs
- open phone policy
- therapy (I have requested more and he is booking appointments)
- no social media or messages to women that are of a social manner ie he can message soccer mums about their kids in the soccer team but not just randomly message about their day
- better communication about daily activities ie doctors appointments, leaving work early, visiting family members or friends and his feelings
And that’s it really. I don’t have many issues about living pretty much the same other than that. I know I maybe setting myself up for failure in the future. The thing for me is though I’m still struggling to forgive this one affair so if he chooses to do anything dodgy eg message his AP at all it would be all over in a second with no discussion. Or break any of the loose boundaries above will result also see us ended.
I think I don’t want to put tough restrictions on him as it’s a test in my eyes. Like what’s the point if we can’t just live. He promises me and is showing he is doing the work to change so I have to have faith in that or what’s the point 🤷🏼♀️
Am I just clueless here?
8 comments posted: Monday, July 8th, 2024
Stupid Dream
Last night I had a dream where I ran into the AP. In the dream she tried to apologise to me.
Stupid fucking dream - she didn’t give a fuck that she was screwing a married man and I know that for a fact.
Why did I have to dream this??? Had the shittiest day because of this. WH is away for work at the moment, probably lucky or I’d have taken it out on him!
5 comments posted: Monday, July 1st, 2024
Statistics and Others
I don’t know why over the last couple of days reading some posts here are making me sad and making me second guess the choices I have made.
It makes me so angry that these WH’s blame us and say sorry but do nothing other than a few words to fix the shit hole they created. Some just ‘show remote’ when it suits them and use the good nature of the BS to help them with issues, such as health before going back to there original arsehole ways.
Then there is the ones who have given second chances and just throw it back in your face by cheating again (and again in some instances).
It just makes me wonder why we even try to stay. Why do they even deserve a second chance in the first place. The statistics are not in the BS favor at all!!!! I hate the thought that I’m staying, going through all this pain for him just to do it all again in the future. I know this isn’t new but I guess for me this overpowering feel of doubt is very strong at the moment.
The main reasons I stayed are for practical reasons (kids and money) but also the knowledge I still care for this man and hope that one day the love will return and that’s been working well. But today ….. not so much. It just honestly does not feel worth it.
5 comments posted: Sunday, June 23rd, 2024
When do you know you did the right thing?
When and how did you know you made the right decision in reconciling?
Lately (since my last IC session) I’ve been happy like really happy. I have only had a few ‘moments’ but when I do I calm down quickly. I don’t cringe when I talk about my ‘husband’ and I am wearing my engagement ring again (sometimes I feel sad when I look at it though). I also can now talk about the affair with friends without crying or being angry. It’s like I’ve just accepted that it happened and that this is my life now.
But am I just being naive in thinking he has changed enough by now or in thinking we can still have a changed but happy marriage again.
I know it’s still less than a year since D-Day and that there is still on-going work WH has to do but honestly I can’t fault him. He has really worked hard at this. I see the changes in himself that he promised me. I haven’t ever seen him try this hard at anything in his life.
But I still worry I’m a hopeless romantic and too forgiving and that this is all going to blow up in my face 🤷🏼♀️
15 comments posted: Tuesday, June 18th, 2024
What mistakes did you make?
What mistakes or things did you do at the start of discovering infidelity that may have made recovery harder for you. I’ve listed a few of mine below:
1. Drank to much - made me feel like shit not to mention made my mental health worse (if possible).
2. Tried to fix marriage problems before WH had shown me how he was going to be a worthy partner. I have since rectified this.
3. Organised date nights for us way to early -we always just ended up fighting!
4. Tried to make myself appear more attractive (🤦🏽♀️). For example Went on a strict diet to lose weight and ordered heaps of sexy lingerie. This was obviously not the problem and I still don’t know what I was trying to prove by doing this.
5. Rushed into ‘R’ and tried to put timelines on everything. Recovery just doesn’t work like that!!!
6. Didn’t find this website soon enough 💚.
Do you have any?
21 comments posted: Friday, June 14th, 2024
My Way to Forgive
A couple of weeks ago I had a very positive IC session (she is the best therapist!!!). I went because my mind was still all over the place with regards to staying and going and I needed some help organising my thoughts. She already knew my story as WH and I had gone for MC with her but she made it clear until we sorted out own issues out that MC wasn’t going to work for us 😂
Anyways, she said two things that really stick with me and have had me progressing well.
1. If I am confused about staying why do you have to be ‘lovey dicey’ wife. Just be friends and see where is goes. She said we would have to be friends to co-parent our boy with any outcome so it is a good place to start. Well that has helped. I’ve relaxed so much and to be honest any I affection I’m now showing towards my husband is less forced and is happening more naturally (if that makes sense).
2. She asked what I thought forgiveness meant to me. And TBH it stumped me because as I said my definition I realised I would never be able to forgive my husband. She then said ‘not all forgiveness looks the same’. She went through some examples of what she meant and asked me to really think about it with regards the A and staying in the marriage. I’ve put a lot of thought into it since then and came to what it will mean for me. I sent this as an email to my WH and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Another thing I have realised (from @InkHulk actually) is I was trying to work on the marriage simultaneously to my husband working out his shit. This does not work and I really wished I read more on this before now. It was making me confused as I was trying to ‘save’ something that was in my eyes not my fault. So now I seperate everything with a big line. I look at the shitty behaviour of WH that were to blame for the affair and seperate them to the individual flaws we both bought to the marriage.
I know in previous posts I have been more negative than positive but these last two weeks have been huge for me but in a positive way 💚
4 comments posted: Thursday, May 30th, 2024
When intended compliments send you into a spiral!!!
Last week I had an IC session which left me feeling quite positive. My counsellor got me thinking in news way, easier ways for me to get through the day to days while deciding what future course I choose to take. And since then I had been actually feeling quite confident in R.
But today I reached out to a younger co-worker and friend to see if she was ok as she just found out her partner of close to two years has been seeing to other women at the same time they were seeing each other. Anyways I didn’t actually know she knew about my husbands affair but turns out she does and told me ‘I was a stinger woman than her’.
Well that has just got me all very emotional. I told her I wasn’t strong but just chose what I think is the best option out of the two shitty ones I had. But it’s more than that. I feel pathetic for not leaving and I know in my heart the reason I have kicked my POS husband out is because I just can’t share my son.
Bloody australia always gives 50/50 custody to parents when they are both good parents which I know is the best thing to do for the child but it just feels so u fair. This would be the second child I have to ‘share’ and I just can’t do it. I need to see him everyday not just half his life. It has broken my heart with my oldest son and I won’t let it happen again.
Fuck I hate what this pathetic excuse of a man has created for us. I fucking hate it 😭💔
3 comments posted: Monday, May 27th, 2024
Successful Reconcilers
Can I ask those BS who have come through this hell successfully - thriving not just surviving, do you ever feel proud to be married to your spouse again, happy to celebrate anniversary and wear a ring without trying to hide it.
At the moment these 3 things are hard to imagine I will ever get to again. At the moment I pretend I’m not married when I meet new people or when I fill out paperwork, I definitely did not want to celebrate our anniversary last month but find myself so sad when I see friends in FB our celebrating!!!
I miss my engagement ring. I loved it so much as it was the most perfect ring I could have ever imagined and he picked it all by himself without any of my input. I just can’t put it in though as I feel like a fraud 😢
I would love to hear some positive stories so I have some hope 🤞🏻
19 comments posted: Saturday, May 25th, 2024
Are all affairs equal?
I know all A’s cause huge amounts of distress, sadness and destruction but I’ve been wondering lately is there a degree of betrayal that is easier/harder to forgive and move forward or is all betrayal equal no matter what? For example:
- is a WS easier to forgive if you as the BS honestly know your marriage was on the verge of breaking down before the affair as opposed to a WS cheating during a happy marriage?
- is a 6week affair easier to forgive than a 6month affair?
- is an EA easier to forgive than a PA?
- is an affair easier to forgive from a WS when you know they have come from a tough upbringing rather than someone who had everything given to them in life?
Or is how they try to amend their wrongs that’s more important?
I wonder this sometimes as my WH’s affair in comparison to some was ‘not that bad’ BUT holy shit this forgiveness thing is a tough gig. I read some people’s stories and am in awe of some of the BS’s strength, resilience and compassion.
28 comments posted: Friday, May 24th, 2024
Why can’t I move on without wanting payback!
Bit of a rant …..
So D-Day was 1st September 2023. We are trying to reconcile but as much as I say I want to I just keep thinking about ways I could hurt him back. For example stay with him for another year and then just tell him to get out and I want a divorce.
I know it’s wrong but I just want him to feel hurt like I feel hurt. I want his heart to smash into a million pieces like mine did. I just can’t get over how unfair this all is to me as a BS.
I also think I’m staying for the wrong reasons. I know whilst I still love him I don’t love him like I used to. I am also staying because I don’t want to not see my beautiful son everyday, I just can’t give him up. Plus working FT, doing everything for the kids and keeping up the house work and home maintenance is just not possible without his help.
I have an IC appointment in a couple of weeks because I’m just so confused and need help to rearrange my thoughts. I am so alone and other than my BH I have no one to talk about this to. My family are too judgmental and it would cause issues if they knew and I can feel my friends don’t understand and wonder why if I chose this why I’m not over it yet.
Anyways just some Friday thoughts, thanks for reading 💚
21 comments posted: Sunday, May 12th, 2024
Wedding Anniversary
Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. Bit of mixed emotions, none of which is true happiness that is for sure.
We are going on a little getaway to ‘celebrate’. Celebrate what exactly I’m not sure. Celebrate he shared part of our marriage with another woman? Celebrate we didn’t seperate? Celebrate I’m not threatening divorce? I’m struggling at the moment to tell people I’m even married let alone celebrating an anniversary.
Anyways just need a bit of a vent. I don’t think tomorrow is going to be easy. How did others cope with this. Hopefully the beers at the pub might help 😂
15 comments posted: Wednesday, April 24th, 2024
Why not just tell me that at the start?
So last night I was having a chat with WH and it was all meant to be good. Like how good/normal I have been feeling lately, how I’m starting to feel excited for our future blah blah.
I asked him a question (can’t even remember what exactly) but it lead to further discussion about how his A started. Originally he told me he was flirty at work drinks then nothing for a week and three invitied over for sex where the A took off. Now he has told me so many details (I asked a lot of questions) and his story matched up with everything I have found out.
But last night he just happened to add in he held hands with her that first night and then was super flirty all week at work with random touches etc. he also told me they were using messenger during the affair when originally it was only snap chat.
I just could not believe he would lie about what seems like a very trivial point when I know what fucking sex positions they used. Like why would he? What benefit would actually come from that.
I now feel like 7months of recovery are wasted on another dumb lie. It was the main point of mine that if I found out he lies when asked questions it would all be over.
So what now? Where do I go? D is really scary to me but I refuse to let his lying behaviour continue no matter how trivial he thinks it is.
16 comments posted: Thursday, April 11th, 2024
This is just the way life is now 😢
Last week WH and I had a rough few days! I found out that his AP was now in a new relationship with another co-worker (all work at same place). So this is the third person she has been with sexually at the same employment place in a year. I thought if I heard she had moved on that it would make me feel slightly better. Well I was wrong.
Instead it made me feel more anger. Or maybe same anger just stemming from a new place. I just can’t believe he would risk his whole family and life for some girl who is happy to be with any dick on legs. I told him he was now even more pathetic in my eyes. Yep I had another meltdown - just when I thought I was handling things better 🤦🏽♀️
The hurt on his face said it all. But he just reinforced how he made a terrible choice and that he knows it was the worse thing he could have ever done to us.
When I finally calmed down we discussed it calmly. But he said something to me that was a big hit of reality. He said ‘I see how much pain you are in all the time and I am sorry that I have done that to you but I am trying everything to make things right and I just don’t know what else I can do’.
And he is 100% right. He is doing everything, I can tell he is remorseful - he has been fully transparent, given me the timeline, done counselling, read all the books,we have determined together the why’s and he is putting in a lot of work from what he has learnt into actions for being a safe partner. I honestly can’t tell him anything else either, he’s probably doing more than I ever thought he was capable of.
But the pain is still so raw. That makes me so sad and scared. I assume it’s just time and seeing that he keeps up all he is doing now before the pain doesn’t seem as bad. And I guess that is just what life is now!!!
4 comments posted: Monday, April 8th, 2024
When you notice positive changes in your responses
Today is a good day!
Today for the first time I realised I am handling triggers much, much better. I’m not getting angry and threatening divorce every week but instead calmly discussing these triggers with my WH.
An example, the other day I noticed while on a little family trip a Snapchat ping from a weird name on WH phone. (Snapchat was the main form of communication between AP and WH) I immediately shut down and went into full stress mode. I was ignoring my husband and went to sleep without communicating.
As this was a trigger it also bought us other thoughts. We had taken a selfie at a beach with our son that day while on a little holiday. The last time we had done that in the same town was when he was in the middle of his affair.
Because of this I could not sleep a wink. WH noticed this and asked me if I was ok. Instead of me being in hysterics I calmly told him how that message made me feel uncomfortable as this was how you communicated ‘with her’.
I also told him how the affair made selfies of our family on holiday not feel special anymore.
He then replied with an apology and making me feel that way. Showed me the weird message, which was actually nothing. And reinforced how much he loved me and the family we have. He also held me while I cried and told me he would never make me cry again.
I know it may not seem like a big deal and maybe just seems like words but honestly it feels so good not ‘blowing up’ everytime I have a trigger. I think it feels ‘safer’ because I can see WH putting in the work. It is a huge step for WH who now asks me if everything is ok when he clearly can tell I’m not as this was a big issue for us before the A.
2 comments posted: Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024
General Discussion
Hi - first of all I would like to say how had I am to have found this community in light of my WH’s affair. It has been a source comfort, good advice and a place to feel safe to discuss without fear of judgement.
I would like to discuss a few things that just roll around in my head and would love peoples opinions. I do apologise in advance for the ramble lol.
I have read on many posts how after an affair your spouse is not longer the person you knew them to be or loved and that the marriage is also not what you believed it to be.
Now I get this, I really do BUT is this the same for every affair?
Like does one affair really change the person you originally fell in love with and married or did they change over the course of time and at the moment of the affair are the worst version of themselves? And why can’t they with work redeem themselves and be better? And does an affair honestly end the marriage you loved or can you get over the event and be as happy as it once was albeit with a new piece of history.
I sometimes think that affairs can be situational.I also think that good people can make bad choices. And I wonder if all people are capable of affairs.
But is this just me trying to explain away what has happened? Maybe make it easier to accept? I’m not sure. 🤷🏼♀️
5 comments posted: Thursday, March 21st, 2024
How can you be in ‘love’?
Hi Again!!!
I have been struggling a lot of late when my WH tells me he loves me. Like it makes me cringe. I just don’t understand how you can truly love someone and do what he has done.
Part of what I believe is some of his issues is that he doesn’t actually know what real love is. His family is messed up and his mother and all his siblings are the same in that they are all extremely self centred and only focus on what they can get out if any situation. I don’t see any emotion from any of them ever except the occasional angry outburst lol.
Maybe WH does love me is his ‘own’ way but it just differs to what I believe it should look like and maybe it just is never going to be enough for me.
But seriously how can you take someone who is not your wife to bed the same day you text me ‘love you’ and then wonder why I don’t believe you now?
💔😢
5 comments posted: Tuesday, March 12th, 2024
I want this marriage to survive…..but what if it’s not the right thing to do?
The decision to stay or go is so very hard!!!
But I know in my heart I don’t want my marriage to end, even though he shattered my heart into a million pieces.
It’s not just the life we created together but I do really love him. I also (unlike him) take my vows seriously. I also believe good people can make bad choices.
He is incredibly remorseful and trying to do all the right things ie working in his issues (communication skills, being honest and transparent etc), counselling, making me feel safe, being patient, and putting us all as his number 1 priority.
But I’m just so scared it’ll all be in vain. I read all about these 2nd or 3rd D-Days and I’m not sure I could handle this ever again, nor do I think I should.
Please someone tell me I’m not being completely stupid and that there is a good chance of R if he and we put in the work?
19 comments posted: Tuesday, March 5th, 2024
People’s Opinions
Hi 👋
How do you all deal with other people’s opinions? I try not to take it to heart when I continually hear / read once a cheater always a cheater, he never really loved you if he did that etc etc, but it is difficult to block it out.
I do find it so disheartening sometimes and it makes me question my decision to stay. It’s bloody hard enough trying to figure out what to do without people making you feel like you’re an idiot or weak.
I always thought I didn’t care about what others think but this is definitely different and something I struggle with. Actually I find this one of my biggest issues with moving forward and I don’t know why or how to change my mindset.
🤦🏽♀️
5 comments posted: Tuesday, February 27th, 2024
Apparently 5 months since D-Day is not long!
Hi 👋
The other day I posted for the first time in the ‘General’ forum about my husbands affair. Small snippet below:
‘5 months ago I found out my husband was having an affair with a 23 year old co-worker. It went over a course of a month and they met up during work hours at her house to have sex on two occasions. We are in our early 40’s and have a 6 year old plus a 16 year old from a previous marriage.
I chose to stay and try and work it out but I just can’t. He has done everything right since eg marriage counselling, complete honesty and transparency about the affair (well if you can ever believe a cheater again), and working really hard on himself and the marriage. I can see how we can be a happy couple/family.’
Since then I have read plenty on all the forums on this website. It has opened my eyes and mind in a really positive way. Plus I feel I now have a better understanding that how I am feeling is nothing but normal and whilst it may not be fun, I will get through it.
I have had some really good conversations with hubby and have a plan moving forward in the hope of R. At the moment we are now focusing on me feeling safer and learning to trust again and we are doing that by him showing me some massive changes in his behaviour and making me his #1 priority.
So no real questions at this point but more a thank you to everyone in this group, it’s given me hope for a future with family intact. 💚
3 comments posted: Tuesday, February 27th, 2024
I’m just so broken 💔
Hi All
5 months ago I found out my husband was having an affair with a 23 year old co-worker. It went over a course of a month and they met up during work hours at her house to have sex on two occasions. We are in our early 40’s and have a 6 year old plus a 16 year old from a previous marriage.
I chose to stay and try and work it out but I just can’t. He has done everything right since eg marriage counselling, complete honesty and transparency about the affair (well if you can ever believe a cheater again), and working really hard on himself and the marriage. I can see how we can be a happy couple/family.
Except I just can’t get over what he did. Like I will be fine for a while and then I turn into a angry aggressive awful human. We have been having great sex since the affair but then there are days I feel sick to my stomach when he touches me and my skin crawls with disgust.
I want to leave him so I don’t feel this pain anymore but I still love him. Then I hate myself for being so weak. I’m just a big broken shell that to the outside looks fine but I’m just waiting for the day a complete meltdown occurs.
Any advice???
8 comments posted: Friday, February 23rd, 2024
