I'm Drowning

I’m not sure where to begin or even what I’m looking for. I’ve been reading voraciously on this site for the past few days and it’s been incredibly helpful in understanding infidelity, how cheaters operate and how betrayed spouses respond. Still, I’m devasted and really not clear how or even if I can move forward.

I’ll try and make this as brief as possible. I’m 38 and my WW is 43. We’ve been married for fourteen years. When I first met my WW she was divorced and had twin four year old girls. They were five when we got married and are now nineteen and in college. I grew up in the foster care system. Back then, the State just dumped kids out at eighteen. I saw many kids just spiral down when this happened, so from the time I was fifteen I worked and saved as much as I could. I went fulltime to community college and then on to a State college, always working full time as well. I never dated in high school or college. It took everything I had just to survive. When I met my WW it was just amazing. She is my one and only. Up until a few days ago, I think we both would have said that our marriage was rock solid. We were best friends, the passion was incredibly strong and never waned and we co-parented really well together. I think this is why I was totally blindsided. Even after finding out, I still don’t see any red flags.

My WW had an out-of-town industry conference that was scheduled to start late Sunday afternoon on the East coast. She had to fly out Saturday afternoon to get there in time. She was out for a run before getting ready and leaving for the airport. I was leaving to play golf and stopped in the kitchen. She had left her phone on the counter – something she rarely did. I heard a message come in and glanced at it. The message was I can’t wait to fuck you when you get back. My first thought was boy, someone sent that to the wrong number. I then thought really, what are the chances of that and opened her phone – neither of us use a password. OMG, I was just stunned. There were months of messages with this guy. I felt like I had just been punched in the gut and could barely breathe.

My career demands the ability to focus, prioritize and compartmentalize. I’m not sure how, but I just flipped into that mode. I thought I had maybe forty-five minutes so I got to work and was able to clone what I needed from her phone and get it reset and back on the counter. I then left, called my buddy and cancelled golf and then drove to a Starbucks and begin reading. It seems her A had been going on for over five months. From other messages with her friends, she met this guy on a GNO and slipped right into to the A that night. She’s been meeting him once a week unless I was out of town and then it was sometimes twice. From everything I read, the A was highly sexual without any romance.

My WW is due back home Friday evening. In addition to working, the only thing that kept me sane and functioning was to stay focused and prioritize. I met with a private investigator on Monday to find out all I could about her AP. Due to a cancellation, I was able to get an appointment with a highly respected divorce attorney yesterday to learn what I could expect from a divorce. I then spent a lot of time locking down our finances and filling out a mountain of paperwork that needs to be done if I, or we, decide to divorce.

When I got up this morning I could barely move. I just couldn’t make myself go to work. This is the first time since I found out that the enormity of what’s happened is just starting to sink in and I feel like I’m drowning. My WW will be home Friday night, so I have a couple of days to toughen up and do what I need to do. I plan to confront her when she gets home. I’m not sure how to do it. I’m not angry --- yet. Right now, I’m just crushed and I don’t want her to see that. I’ve been avoiding her all week and I won’t be able to act as if nothing is wrong. Unless there’s something I’m not seeing, I just don’t see a way forward for us. Even with all the abuse and neglect in childhood, I’ve never felt this much pain. For those of you who’ve had to confront your spouse, what would be the best way to do it. Thanks for your time.

494 comments posted: Thursday, April 4th, 2024

Website Issue

I've been having trouble with the website all morning. The website comes up without most of the color and all the tabs missing. The only way in is to let the mouse hover over where I think the tabs should be, and I'll eventually find one to click on.
I'm not sure it's just me or system wide. It's hapening on both my tablet and dektop. Thanks.

5 comments posted: Friday, March 22nd, 2024