Impact of repeated false R?

Admittedly over a fairly short period of time,
(about two months) but horrific nonetheless

D-Day 1 was just before Christmas. In the aftermath, WH veered between being desperately sorry and ashamed and doing almost everything wrong - gaslighting, blameshifting, defensiveness, minimising, complete lack of transparency, TT.

I made clear on D-Day that NC was the non-negotiable basis of any R. He got back in touch with AP four days after D-Day. Repeated regular contact, all whilst going to MC and guilt tripping me (in front of the useless counsellor) for not trusting that he’d gone NC.

Anyway, found out after about a month (d-Day 2 I guess). His behaviour got temporarily (for like, two days) a lot better. He even sent a NC message, albeit a rather more affectionate one than I would have liked, and read out her reply (I’m now sure the entire exchange was pre-planned; her response exactly fitted his bullshit ‘just friends supporting each other’ narrative). He would frequently telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was, until I asked anything of him, and then the old behaviours would re-emerge. Lots of oscillating basically. Traumatic as hell.

D-Day 3 (they’d met for coffee, he’d messages saying he loved her) came about two weeks later and I asked him to move out and started finding some peace with the idea that I wanted to D. It genuinely seemed to trigger a change in him. I actually started to think he was a changed man. He sent (another) NC text, suitably blunt this time. He was arranging more MC; he was going to do it properly this time. He realised how close he’d come to losing me and our two children. He was being kind, he was committed to doing whatever it took. Stupid me began to wonder if maybe the separation, and my new-found self confidence, had finally triggered a change in him.

D-Day 4 came a week later when I found out that he’d immediately contacted her to apologise for the NC text and tell her how desperately he loved her.

I feel completely done. I want to D. He’s now telling me he’s an even more changed man, and wants to try again with MC.

Who knows, maybe it’s true. I very much suspect it’s not. But the thing is… I’ve seen how convincingly and shamelessly he can lie. So how can I EVER trust a word he says again? Even if he handed me over his phone and passwords, I couldn’t know that he wasn’t just conducting the A via a burner phone. I’m honestly not sure what he could do now that would actually make me believe for sure that he’s not. It’s scary how convincing he can be.

Has anyone ever come back from something like this? Come back happily I mean. Every part of me is telling me to get away, but I’m so paralysed by the fear that I’ll D and then regret it, and I can’t rationalise to myself why I feel this way. Harder I suppose because before this the marriage was such a happy one. I honestly don’t know what’s happened to him.

19 comments posted: Friday, March 22nd, 2024

How quick is too quick to decide on D?

New here, sorry if I get any of the abbreviations wrong!

D-Day was just before Christmas, it had been physical twice that I know of (may be more, I have had zero disclosure beyond what I’ve discovered for myself, everything has been minimised). I was open to R but there was much gaslighting, manipulation, guilt tripping, blaming me, defensiveness, anger - horrific. He three times showed me evidence of going ‘no contact’, and each time, resumed contact again almost straight away. I am fairly sure there is still contact - there is absolutely not transparency, and other things that don’t add up. Plus, they work together closely and there have been no efforts on his part to change that situation.

Anyway, I lost all patience after the second time I found out they were still in contact and asked him to move out. He is begging to come back, totally wants to R (even tho he’s not doing the things he would need to do for R to work!) is telling me he misses me, is trying to get me to agree to MC. He was, however, doing all this before the third time I found they were still in contact, so it means nothing.

I feel like I am done. But I don’t know if three months in is too soon to get to that place. We had what I would have described as a good marriage, although with hindsight I can see he always had a tendency to lie & manipulate to his own advantage. I am very aware that R is reversible and D is not. There’s no massive rush to D, other than I hate this sense of limbo and want to take some ownership over the whole shitty situation, plus it will give me some self respect in a situation where he has treated me with absolutely no respect (some of his behaviours during the A were truly incredible) We have been married 12 years and have two children in their early teens, of whom I am the main carer. Financially I would cope with D, and I feel like I would emotionally, but I am aware I may on some level still be in shock, and worry how hard the reality may hit me. But the idea of R seems utterly impossible to me at the moment, I have lost all respect for him. I am having IC too.

Thoughts? Help!

21 comments posted: Wednesday, March 13th, 2024