Not enough
My husband and I have been together for 28 years, married for 18 and we have 3 kids. Last year while on holiday I used his phone as I had lost mine, only to discover he had a second email address. I asked about it and he of course lied about it’s true purpose. I looked again and decided to do a search in all mail to discover notifications from woman on sex sites. I managed to get into his profile which had his picture, DOB, and a description of what he was looking for, a discreet affair, to match his high sex drive, and how he would rock their world. I threw his phone at him and asked him to explain but he just had this dumb look on his face and denied it was his account. We spent the remaining 3 days on holiday not talking. He simply ignored me. Once we got home I confronted him. He denied it all again, swore up and down his account was hacked. A month later I went to visit my mom who has terminal cancer and the family joined shortly after. Again I take his phone and find payment receipts from a site called {edited by SI Staff}. He then admits that he did chat to woman but it was all PG, just ranting on abt life etc. of course I knew that was lie, it’s a sex site. He said he joined it because I wasn’t giving him enough attention, showed him no affection and I didn’t prioritize him enough. We get home and shortly after I decided to check his work computer. While he slept I searched his email, found the site and changed his password. I was up all night reading the shit that man decided to share with at least 30 different woman. All very explicit, practically begging them to meet up for sex and some sort of long term affair. He even gave a few woman his email and cell number. Based on the messages he didn’t actually meet up with any of them as they wanted to get to know him first. I can’t describe how I felt that day… my whole world just came crashing down. He had nothing nice to say abt me and our family, just went on about his loveless sexless marriage which was absolutely untrue. He kept telling them abt our sex life which made some of them question him out right but most had no problem potentially hooking up with a married man. He was chatting to young woman who had no kids. I work so hard to provide for our family so it is not all on him. I do so much for him, the kids and our home when he couldn’t care less. So I waited for him to wake up and confronted him. He was clearly in shock but admitted what he had done and apologized. He said he was weak and made a big mistake, and that he wanted to stay married and work on rebuilding the trust. He admitted that he was on various sites, and even considered hookers while travelling. We separated for a while and started talking more. He was open to listening to my emotional outbursts and assured me he has changed and would never do it again. He ended up spending over $1000 buying credits to chat with these woman, on our birthdays, anniversary etc. the proof was all there. I told him to just leave but he wouldn’t. I asked him to stop with the porn and the unrealistic expectations he had developed. I had to explain to him how much I was hurting, how I have felt throughout our marriage, what made me unhappy. But I didn’t stray, not once. There isn’t one day where the thought of what he did or tried to do doesn’t cross my mind. The betrayal I felt and still feel is overwhelming. I get triggered when he dresses up for work, or sits on his phone for hours, or goes off anywhere without me. Fast forward three months to now and I look at his phone again only to discover that he created a profile on a swingers site just a month ago and he is back to watching porn again. I am so angry and sad. I have no idea what to do. We have so much history, and no family or close friends that I can lean on for support, and I don’t want to hurt our kids by divorcing. I am just a shell of the woman I used to be. My head is telling me to move on but my heart wants to hold on. How am I not enough for this man.
8 comments posted: Wednesday, June 12th, 2024
