Intrusive Thoughts about AP
It's the six month mark now since DDay. I thought I was basically over AP. In the past week or so, I'm been having more intrusive thoughts and dreams about AP. These are the possible triggers I've come up with so far.
1. Processing CSA also triggering the trauma from what he did.
2. It was graduation this weekend and the university had been sending out emails prior to it. He graduated but I didn't.
3. Met with Title IX. Starting to see the end. Later this month we'll get the preliminary report and then the hearing is likely for June or July. Then it's over for better or worse.
4. Saw two shows where the antagonist looked liked AP almost back to back. The second one the antagonist was a creepy sexual predator who even dressed like AP so 
For the most part, the thoughts and dreams have been around the fact that he assaulted me. They're not warm fuzzy feelings. Except for one exception. Yesterday I was thinking about something completely innocent and unrelated and a fantasy about AP popped in my head, with a physical reaction that was unwanted to say the least. I noticed it right away and didn't continue the fantasy consciously. I sort of paused it and was like "Wtf?!" I don't want AP. I hate him. Even besides the assault, he's not someone I would choose to date. He's pretty immature and we have divergent values. But why is this coming up? I didn't think there was any pull toward him left. He repulsed me. I'd rather just feel indifferent and forget him.
I'm not sure what advice I want/need right now. I'm beating myself up a little about the intrusive fantasy. I feel really disgusted by myself for having it. I wonder if I'm completely deluding myself and I haven't actually made any progress and am still secretly the same person who had an affair and have secret feeling for him. Maybe I'm over thinking this. I don't know what to do with this or how to work with it. Agh!
4 comments posted: Wednesday, May 15th, 2024
Any advice on how to word this or bring it up?
The other day BS and I were talking. He was saying how for him the cycle in our relationship has been I do something hurtful->he feels sorry for me->he tries to fix me. When he said this, I felt sad, hurt, and slightly vindicated. In the beginning of our relationship, "I often felt like, and told him, that his "love" for me wasn't really about me, but who he thought he could make me into. I felt like a project, like he didn't really love me or even like me. It's been a really painful wound. When I would bring it up I would be told, no that's not true. The energy that I got from him eventually shifted from, "I feel bad for you so I'll make you a project" to "I love you the way that you are and I want to love and support you in becoming the person you're meant to be" so I told myself that I was just devaluing the love that I was getting in the beginning. But the feeling kept coming back. I felt crazy because clearly this person doesn't love who I am now (which makes sense, I was awful) but they keep saying they do so is it me?
At the time, we were trying to focus on him in the conversation and I was trying to mostly listen, so I didn't bring up my thoughts and feelings at the time. I also didn't want to turn it into a "Gotcha!" thing. It's also like,it's still pretty soon after DDay. It's almost five months. It feels too soon to be criticizing BS's part in the relationship.
But it's bothering me and on my mind. He didn't acknowledge, "And when you tried to tell me this for years I didn't listen and gaslit you around it because I couldn't see it myself." I still don't think he really sees the impact this has had on me or our relationship. He's really focused on how it affected him.
I feel like I should bring this up. I feel like it's a pretty foundational cycle for us that we're still trapped in. I'm the incompetent one and he's the competent one so he has to handle everything and shut me out from being able to support him. In response to him saying that he doesn't bring his challenges to me, I sort of brought it up. I said, "I was your project, not your partner. And it makes sense that you wouldn't feel like I'm your equal. But i was kept and kept myself in a position where I'm incapable of anything and your the capable one so you have to figure it all out yourself and can't rely on me. I'm not saying it's your fault. It's not. You were trying to survive and respond to my abuse. I was trying to stay who I was and not grow, or trying to grow but not knowing how and not feeling capable. I knew the cycle was unhealthy and I didn't take steps to break it." I was told that it's proof that I'm unsafe to communicate with and an insane response. I thought what I was saying was adding on to what he was saying. Now I don't feel like I can actually bring it up because he'll take it that I'm blaming him for the relationship problems. But it's also a big deal to me that he wasn't really in love with me those years, when I called him out on that I was gaslit, and that now that he admits it it's really about how bad and hard that was for him (and it was) but without the acknowledgement of its impact on me or the relationship. If he brings up how it affected the relationship, it's about my role in hurting it. I'm really angry about this I'm realizing as I type this out. This is actually a huge deal to me.
How do I bring this up, especially since right now BS is mad at me and doesn't want me around or to talk to me and we're arguing (I don't want to argue but I feel like this isn't true and I don't know how to be honest and empathetic and supportive while also not just agreeing and taking their perspective if I don't agree), but I feel like to resolve some of the issues he brought up this has to be acknowledged? I don't want it to come off like I'm blaming him. He already feels when I bring this up like I'm saying I'm the good one and he's the bad one who hasn't let me be good. I also don't want him to feel like if he tells me things I'm going to bring it up later to use against him. But I also feel like it's really relevant to the topic we're discussing. How do I bring this up sensitively when things are already a little heated?
59 comments posted: Saturday, May 4th, 2024
Thought I was making progress but now I think I'm failing
I thought I was making progress. I've had a big insight recently and can notice more of my problematic behaviors I think. I'm becoming more aware of the underlying beliefs that I have. And I'm really trying to work on the avoidant thing and bring things up more.
Yesterday and today have been harder though and I wonder if I made any progress at all. Friday I had asked BS about cutting the yard. It wasn't long or at a level that I would normally cut it, but the neighbor we share the yard with had asked me to cut it that day and I agreed. I should have asked BS what his agenda for the day was before agreeing. BS had planned to spend some family time together, which we all need, so I did that instead. I'm still feeling anxious about the yard yesterday morning and decided to cut it. It ended up taking forever because the grass was really not long enough to bother cutting. this annoys BS, because I'm supposed to be watching our child in the backyard, and because he already said the yard wasn't a priority but other house stuff was. We were talking about it and I noticed I was getting frustrated and really resistant to accepting what BS was saying as valid. So instead of saying, "He's probably right so I'm just going to agree," I told him that I was feeling resistance and explained that it was coming from beliefs that I have from childhood. I grew up on a farm and wasn't that supervised outside. So I just don't think a child should need any supervision in a fenced backyard without a road or strangers to worry about. The night before though we had been talking about how our child isn't quite mature enough for that yet and I agreed. But in the real life moment these beliefs were activated and I was feeling like, "Well just throw him to the wolves. He'll learn." So I admitted that and also that I didn't think I was necessarily right. I just felt like I try to gloss over a lot of the ugly beliefs I have with what I wished I believed instead. But this is where I am. He never really responded to that besides "Wow."
This morning, we were both sleeping downstairs. Our bedroom is destroyed at the moment, and BS has a makeshift bedroom, but most nights we sleep in the living room together. Last night we slept in the living room together on separate couches. This morning, BS woke up super early and started doing yoga in the kitchen and went about his morning. This meant I couldn't really sleep. I was feeling pretty frustrated by this, but reminded myself why we were sleeping in the living room instead of our bed, tried to appreciate that BS is doing healthy things for himself, that if he had wanted to wake up and hang out I would be happy but he doesn't and it's my fault. But I was still in a bad mood when I actually got up. As I was getting off the couch, BS came up to me and was like"Why have you been sticking the napkins in this drawer again?! It's getting super messy." I was like, "I didn't put them in there." Yes I was cranky when I said it. But I didn't put the napkins in the drawer. I don't know how they got in there. I went upstairs and already BS was texting me about how my attitude was a sign nothing was going to change. I was like, "I didn't put the napkins in the drawer so idk what I'm supposed to say." I went downstairs and was starting to unload the dishwasher. BS was like, "look, it's not just the napkins, it's all this stuff that makes the drawer junky and needs a place." I was listening quietly with my arms crossed. He suddenly was like, "nevermind, you aren't listening, just leave." I kept trying to say, "I was where is this coming from?" He was like, "just leave until it's time for kid to go to school." I went out and we kept arguing over text. I failed a lot at this part. More focused on myself and on what he was saying that I disagreed with rather than empathizing. I'm trying not to be defensive but I also feel completely blindsided by this. I don't get what I did wrong (this morning, not the affair part). I don't get how I could have been better. And now it's at the point where he's angry and hates me. He's saying that he wants to sell the house and us all move apart, which I don't get how that's going to work. If that was an option he'd be gone already. He had agreed before to be a witness for the title IX case and now is saying he won't do it. Which is ok, it was too much to ask and I figured he'd change his mind. Really hurtful is he's not pulling any punches right now, saying that he's embarrassed to be seen anywhere with me now, how I'm a clown value, high drama, cheating whore and he can't wait til he's rid of me and has room for a mentally stable, low drama, high value, respectful, charming woman. That I'm hopeless and never going to change.
And I'm starting to wonder, is it true? Have I been deluding myself about it all? I was just telling my therapist that I thought I was better or becoming better than AP, because 1. I see the affair more realistically now while AP still says he was "in love" with me (which was his excuse for violating me) 2.I'm willing to go to the hearing and be honest about the shameful things I did and he's still lying, and 3. I didn't rape anyone. I still feel like I'm better looking than AP too sometimes. So maybe I actually haven't made any progress and I'm just still arrogant and shitty.
I wish BS still loved me. I wish I was still in love too. I still love BS greatly. I want to do the work for me, but also for him because I don't want to hurt him anymore. But the innocence of our marriage is gone. I don't think of him or our relationship and feel happy and safe anymore. There's no more stability in my life. He was my ride or die, my rock. Now he can walk out any moment, and that's his right. BS wants me to call the lawyer today about what selling the house would look like. I don't want to. I'm supposed to be calling lawyers for the case anyway and I just don't want to do more. I also just don't want to call the lawyer only to be "nevermind" if BS changes his mind again.
I know I'm probably missing a bunch of blindspots and welcome anyone pointing them out. I probably sound like a big whiney baby right now. But that's why I'm posting this because I need a wack of reality. I know I don't have a right to complain about the mess I created. But I want to complain. So humble me.
5 comments posted: Monday, April 22nd, 2024
Am I Being Avoidant and Needing a Kick in the Butt?
I'm really trying to work on my avoidance right now. I want/need to learn to bring things up and have difficult conversations. I still have a long ways to go. Currently, there's something that I'm debating on if I should bring it up to my BS. The fact that I'm debating it makes me feel that I should, but it's something really delicate and I'm not sure how to do it (or really sure that I should).
For those of you who have seen my previous posts, you might remember that I filed a Title IX complaint against the AP for sexual misconduct related to him sexually assaulting me. This has been hellish, especially lately. I'm getting battered around these past few weeks.
I've been discussing strategy for the upcoming hearing with my advisor (not a lawyer), and she asked if my BS would be willing to be a witness for the complaint. He didn't actually "witness" anything, but they're including "anyone you talked to about the relationship" as a witness. BS was the first person I talked to about the assaults as assaults, and the person on my side who knows the most details. He can probably better articulate than me what happened and why I made the choices that I made.
On the not asking side - I feel reaaalllyyyyy uncomfortable about asking. It doesn't feel like the right thing to do in a way. It just seems like too much to ask him. He's already gone above and beyond and what right do I, as a WS, have to ask him to give even more, especially something that would probably take a lot out of him. BS wouldn't have to be there for the whole hearing, if he would even have to go to the hearing. He might just give a statement to the investigator before the trial and be done. Even that seems like it would be incredibly triggering for him. And what if the AP decides he does want to cross-examine BS at the hearing? I told AP my complaints about the relationships and the ways that BS hasn't been his best. I don't want to give AP an opportunity to use it against BS. I also don't expect to win the hearing. AP has a lawyer, all of our text messages (I know because the data recovery people he used are idiots and they called me [b]twice[/b] to come pick up his phone, and told me everything they had done before they realized they called me and not the lawyer), patriarchy, and I found out yesterday nearly half of our classmates are giving statements as "witnesses" for AP. So why put BS through all that for no reason?
Also, things have been not so great between us. I'm been really self-absorbed with all of this Title IX crap. I haven't been there for BS like I should at all. I had a long discussion with my therapist today about this and how I can correct this pattern of "functional freeze" but I won't go into detail to keep this shorter. So being like, "Hey btw, I know I've been dropping the ball on my household responsibilities and not communicating with you, but can you still do this really taxing thing for me?" And also I'm feeling super raw right now. Finding out about our classmates turning against me was a knife in the back. I've been reading about betrayal trauma, and I'm going through it with this. If BS has big feelings about me asking or anything, I don't know how compassionately I can hold that space immediately. Is it avoidant to wait a while or wise? The investigation isn't ending soon so it's not like BS would have to run over tomorrow and give a statement if he would even agree to.
But I'm wondering - is this just more wayward thinking? I used "protecting" BS as an excuse to not tell him about the affair. Am I doing the same thing here? He is a grown up who can make his own decisions. But he's also a grown up in a raw and vulnerable place right now who does maybe need some protecting. It's also something about BS on my mind a bit, mainly because the whole case is always on my mind right now, so it feels like hiding to not tell him, and that doesn't feel right. But I also don't tell him the details of case per his request. But this is about him so it feels different. But it's also not like an official request made of me or anything to ask him to be a witness. It's just a suggestion made by my advisor if I would want BS to be a witness. And I don't think I do. It just feels wrong to ask that of him.
I keep going back and forth on this and I don't know. I've been feeling winded since finding out about the witnesses yesterday and it's probably affecting my ability to see this clearly. I'd really appreciate any outside perspective on this, especially from anyone who could provide a BS's point of view. I guess if I had to summarize this in three questions it would be:
1. Should I talk to BS about it? (probably. probably?)
2. If I should, any advice for bringing it up as compassionately as possible?
3. Is it avoidant if I wait a few days to absorb the shock of everyone turning against me plus refocus on BS and making up for the ways that I haven't been there lately first before dropping this on them?
Thanks for your advice.
7 comments posted: Wednesday, April 17th, 2024
Getting Past the Disgust to Get More to Your Whys
I've recently moved out of the immediate aftermath of DDay and the relief, shock and horror. Now I'm really starting to face the reality of what I've done. It sickens me, literally. I'm in IC, and my therapist and I have been trying to explore my whys more deeply. I have some of them, but when I'm writing the timeline or exploring in therapy, it's hard to look at that part of me. I almost immediately start thinking, "How could I have done that? What's wrong with me?" And start judging that part in a way that makes it hard to listen. I don't want to accept this part! I want to push it away so I never have an affair again! But denying I was vulnerable to an affair helped land me right in one, so I have to be willing to look at this part.
Does anyone who's done more of this deeper work have advice on quieting the judgement and criticism of yourself to be able to look at yourself? I do have some whys that I think are deep, but there's still this feeling of "how could I have done this?" so I feel there's more there. I'm also discussing how to do this with my therapist but am open to all constructive support and advice (and criticism when needed).
2 comments posted: Thursday, April 11th, 2024
A New Phase
It's approaching four months from discovery, and I'm hitting a new phase. I'm just a mix of feelings. So far in this journey, the reality that I've been accepting is how much damage I've done to my partner, our family, out lives, all of it. That part of the journey isn't done yet for sure, but something else is coming up now too. I'm not sure if it's time, having accepted some of the damage I cause, coming out of the fog, or what, but the reality of the damage I did to myself is sinking in. I was disgusted before with the emotional damage that I caused. Now I keep thinking about how I let someone else in my body and told him I loved him. Worse off he was my rapist. I can't stop thinking about it. Im nauseous all the time. I haven't been able to finish a meal in a minute because I want to vomit back out everything that touches my tongue. I can't
There was a whole lot that I consented to with the affair partner, and they didn't force me into an affair, even with the assault and elements of coersion. I was only in a situation for him to take advantage of me because I had lie to my husband and kept poor boundaries. I blame myself for the rape, and for the assault that came the last time I ended the physical aspect of the affair. I'm also VERY angry at the affair partner right now. He raped me! He emotionally abused and manipulated me for eight months! Then he tried to rape me again when I ended the physical part of the affair.
We were both students so I filed a Title IX complaint against him and am going through that process now. I had attempted informal resolution to speed it up, but decided to start just by asking the affair partner (through email through an intermediary, no direct contact, betrayed spouse knows and approved before starting the process) what his perspective on the accusations were and what he thought the consequences would be. I wasn't wasting time quibbling over terms if he doesnt have any interest in being accountable. I got his response back and he does not! He said that I was just trying to punish him for the affair, made a vague and weak apology because he was so in love with me he didn't know how hard it would be around me and not assault me. He then had the AUDACITY to ask for the lowest set of consequences so they didn't interfere with his education plans. Without acknowledging that HE interfered with MY education plans. I was supposed to graduate in May, not to mention sharing classes with the person who raped me and was actively abusing me and isolating me from the rest of the class kinda sorta disrupted my ability to be an engaged and healthy member in class. I was angry and lashed out a lot. That doesn't excuse my behavior, but once I put the puzzle pieces of what he was doing to me together I felt a lot less crazy. But now I feel ashamed, weak, stupid, and pathetic. He was so obviously toying with me and I kept ignoring my gut and telling myself I was the crazy/emotional one.
And this is the person I let touch me, that I told me secrets to. I even told him private things about the relationship with my spouse. I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
To add insult to injury, I found out not long after discovery that I wasn't the only person he was playing/potentially assaulted at the same time the affair was going on. I found out right after discovery and at the time brushed it off. I was like, "ok, yeah, more evidence the affair was bad whatever." There was too much going on to care. Now it's actually something I've been able to taken in. I feel stupid for feeling this way but I'm angry at the affair partner for that too. I knew during the affair that he wanted a real girlfriend and told him I wasn't holding him to being exclusive to me but if he had sex with anyone else I need to know so I could protect myself and my husband. Ugh, the mental gymnastics I did to still feel like a good person while being a shitty person. I don't have romantic feelings for the affair partner. I think everything along with writing the timeline and seeing the stark reality recently killed any good feelings I had and now I'm firmly in anger/disgust/hatred. I don't want to be with him. I don't want to be around him. It's more like, "oh another way that he played me and that I was a fucking idiot to not see."
Today I'm really struggling with not blaming myself for the things he did that weren't my fault. Even typing that I start to think, "But if I hadn't...." I'm struggling not falling into self flagellation. I'm struggling to let myself feel what I'm feeling. I don't feel like I have a right to feel bad about this when I'm the perpetrator, and everything I'm feeling is probably a shadow of what my spouse - the real victim - is feeling. I wish I could eat these yummy things my spouse is putting all this work into. We don't really need to be wasting food either,but after a few bites I just can't.
I don't really have a question. I'm meeting with my therapist today but I wanted to share and be heard by people who at least have lived through the disgust with themselves for their actions. I know that I need to forgive myself but what is that even look like really? One thing I realized after discovery is I've never forgiven anyone in my life. I held a grudge or I "forgot" but I never forgive. So that's something to work on.
0 comment posted: Tuesday, April 2nd, 2024
Tips for Retrieving Old Text Messages?
I'm working through my written timeline, and the foggiest period is one I don't have a record for. Could anyone offer advice for retrieving deleted texts messages? I'm not sure if it's possible at this point. I no longer have the phone or same number, but I have the same Google account. If the messages were backed up to my Google account, is there some way to retrieve them? What about the ones I deleted off my phone? I've been reading tech sites, but a bit of it's going over my head. I think my ex had managed to retrieve them and that's how he found out. Before I ask him how he did it I wanted to do the legwork first and only ask him if I really couldn't do it or it was hold up the timeline process too long. This is my work, not his.
6 comments posted: Monday, April 1st, 2024
Help I Ruined my Life!
Hi everyone, I’m here because I’ve ruined my life, and I’ve realized I’m going to need support and encouragement on this recovery path. I’ll share my story so you’ll know where I’ve been, where I’m at, and to get more used to accountability.
My significant other "Fell" and I met in January 2014. We had a whirlwind relationship for reasons that include my handcore lovebombing of them. At the time, I thought that lovebombing was a normal thing all loving people do in the beginning of the relationship. We ended up having a lot of conflict. One aspect of our relationship that I really had a hard time with, and am currently still learning to handle better, is our different conflict styles. Once I’m fired up, I can’t stop. I insist on solving the problem right there. Fell is more reasonable. He needs some space to process before he’s ready to come back and discuss the issue. When Fell needs space, it drives me up a wall. It triggers my fear of abandonment and that’s something I haven’t learned to deal with in a mature way. I used my fear and loneliness to justify a LOT of bad behavior in our relationship. Boundary crossing, dismissiveness, guilt-tripping. And a one-night stand at 1 ½ years of the relationship. I disclosed this immediately, but in a minimizing way. I was also a TERRIBLE partner about this. For years I denied that the one night stand was really cheating. I used us fighting that night as an excuse. I was resistant to talking about it. I blamed Fell. I did nearly anything wrong that I could have done. It’s only been more recently that I’ve been able to admit and accept that this was cheating and my actions deeply hurt my partner.
We stayed together despite the one night stand, and soon I was pregnant. We had a child together, and I developed PPD/A. I turned into even more of a monster to live with, both to my partner and our baby. Fell was still committed to staying with me and helping me work through my issues. I was entitled and self-absorbed and basically gave a pathetic try before giving up. This created more distance with us.
In 2021, I had a coworker move into my office with me. Eventually this turned into a bit of [EDIT: This is me minimizing. It wasn't a bit of an emotional affair. It was an emotional affair.] an emotional affair. While neither of us ever admitted feelings, we texted or talked from the moment we woke up until we went to bed. I got a bit obsessed with this friend. I was constantly talking about them and trying to solve all of their problems. I had feelings too. Eventually, Fell confronted me about this in 2022. He said that it felt like I was having an emotional affair. Hearing this woke me up a little. I realized how unhealthy this friendship had gotten and told Fell I would pull back a lot on contact both at work and outside of work, and would go "no contact" after I quit that job in a few months for graduate school. Though I did slightly better in the aftermath of this affair than the one night stand, I failed a lot here too. I discussed it more with Fell as if it was only an unhealthy friendship that I accidentally fell into. This was true at the most shallow level, but I was still not willing to fully admit, to myself or Fell, how or why that happened. I didn’t admit that I was desperately lonely, that I was always looking for replacement people in my life because of my intense fear of being alone, and that I had developed feelings for this friend and it could have turned into a physical affair if the circumstances had been a bit different. I didn’t want to see that. Then, I ended up not going no contact after quitting as I said I would. Fell confronted me about this in the midst (unknowing to him) of the most recent affair, and I did a 180 on him. I denied it ever being an emotional affair or agreeing to go no contact. I fought him over and over again on it. When he asked for an apology, I gave a shitty sarcastic one. When he said it was a bad apology and gave an example of a good one, I obviously copied and pasted the "good" apology in a text to Fell. This was so hurtful and dismissive of me. I’m embarrassed that I acted so egotistical and immature.
Because of the emotional affair and our ongoing issues, Fell said he was unsure about buying a house together, or that I was emotionally mature enough for grad school. He was worried that, at the least, I’d make friends with really unhealthy people like usual or at worst, cheat. I convinced him it would be fine and guilted him into buying the house and supporting me with the decision to go to grad school. He relented. We’d agree that I’d immediately tell him if I noticed a crush for anyone else developing, be extremely cautious with making friends, and stay away from the opposite sex. I broke all of these agreements.
I started graduate school in August 2022. This is where I first met the affair partner "Roy", at a new student orientation. Over the first semester, we both became part of the same friend group. As the first year of school went on, I began texting him about non-school topics, pursuing a friendship with him individually outside of the friend group, though we never hung out one on one. I also noticed some feelings emerging, but tried to ignore them. I was ashamed that I had already started to develop a crush on someone in such a short amount of time. It wasn’t sexual - I don’t really find Roy attractive. He seemed nice and was desperate for attention. I was desperate for attention too. My relationship with Fell was slowly improving, but I still didn’t know how to handle the loneliness that was triggered when Fell needed space. I also saw Roy as someone easy to please. I felt like, "Now I know so much about being a good wife, but there’s so much baggage with Fell and I that I might not ever be able to be a good wife to him. Maybe I could be a good wife if I started over fresh with someone like Roy."
In April 2023, Roy and I were signed up to attend a school event together. It would be the first out of town, overnight trip I had taken alone in our relationship, except for one other time. It was also the first since the emotional affair. I didn’t know it at the time, but Fell was putting a lot of trust in me to go. Things had been steadily getting better for us for a while. We still had our conflict, but there was a deeper sense of closeness and commitment. Fell’s trust, sadly, was misplaced before I walked out the door. I intentionally didn’t bring up room arrangements with him because I didn’t want him to know I would be sharing a hotel room with a man, a huge no-no that I agreed to. One night on the trip, I went to a bar with Roy, another no-no. Roy then got me drunk and raped me. In my intoxication and shitty feelings, I didn’t really process what had happened. I thought that I must have consented and that it was my fault. After all, Roy wouldn’t do that. But he did. The night was the start of his emotional manipulation and tricks. Roy made me feel amazing and awful at the same time. I felt used, and I didn’t want to be used just because I was there and available. I wanted to be picked. None of that excuses how I reacted and the harm that I caused the people I love most. Roy didn’t make me have an affair. He may have pressured me at points, but I had Fell I could have went back to at any point. If after the rape I had called Fell and told him what happened immediately, he would have been there for me. Instead, when I saw Fell’s texts asking what was going on and where I was, I gaslit him to hide what had happened.
The next day we went home. I still didn’t tell Fell what had happened. I did continue the affair with Roy. In the beginning I pursued Roy mainly. He would alternate between lovebombing me and devaluing me, sometimes in the same conversation. The lovebombing felt so good. While I knew it wasn’t real and that Roy didn’t know me that well, it still was such a boost to my ego. The devaluing made me want to prove myself to him even more, to prove to him that I was "good enough". He would "break up" with me, only for one of us to rekindle things shortly after. At this point, it was easy to justify the affair. I told myself that I was always putting others first and that this was me putting myself first for once. I deserved this. Besides, I was really being selfless, because I wasn’t breaking up our family to be with someone else. Eck. What an entitled and immature mindset.
In May 2023 I went on a silent meditation retreat. This helped me start to pull my head out of my ass, It also marked a turning point in the affair. I broke up with Roy after the retreat, which he yelled at and guilt tripped me for. I gave in to his bullying and went back on going NC after breakup, so of course the affair soon resumed. Still from this point on, I was more avoidant about meeting up and was the one breaking off the affair, even though it was still on and off, or at least pausing the physical aspect. I couldn’t see what I was doing as justifiable or selfless. It was selfish, I was lying every day, and I was not being the person that I wanted to be. I knew better. But I was so "in love" with Roy that I kept coming back, or letting him back in, or "breaking up" but not going no contact.
In July 2023, I broke up with Roy again and we blocked each other’s numbers (or I blocked his). I stuck with this until August 2023 when school resumed. The affair soon resumed again, though from this point on there wasn’t much physical contact. We had sex once and made out other times, but most of this semester was spent either NC or "just friends". In September, I went over to Roy’s house to have sex but changed my mind because I didn’t want to have sex with anyone behind Fell’s back anymore. I told Roy if he cared about me, he would not let us resume a sexual relationship at all. Carrying on an affair was pushing me to a breakdown. He agreed at the time, but repeatedly pushed this boundary as time went on.In November, I told Roy that Fell and I were considering opening up our relationship, and Roy and I kissed. Fell and I didn’t, but for a while Roy and I considered behind Fell’s back how to help Fell be more comfortable and open up to the idea. When I think about this conspiring now against the person I love most in the world, I feel so gross.
In December 2024, Roy and I were "just friends". I had a really bad time with the guilt of the affair, not having friends to hang out with as much when we were NC since we had the same friend group, feelings about the rape that I didn’t know what to do with, etc. He noticed I wasn’t doing well and offered to meet up to talk about it. I agreed, but was only willing to meet in a public place. I suggested we go for a walk. He offered to pick me up and I accepted. He tricked me instead into going to his house where he attempted to rape me again. A few days later was discovery/disclosure. Fell knew something was up and asked me about it. Until that moment, Fell and I were in the best place we had ever been. We were bonding a lot, planning the future together after graduation, and learning more about each other. The secret of the affair was this big barrier to the intimacy we wanted that I only knew about it. Now Fell knows.
The first week we barely slept or ate, but I was there for Fell in a way that I never came close to before. Then I picked a fight and played the victim and damaged the raw intimacy we were sharing. We continued to try reconciliation but I backslid multiple times. I was defensive, argumentative, impatient, and didn’t try to listen at points.For a while, we weren’t in reconciliation at all.. The plan was to make living together as tolerable as possible either until our son was grown or we couldn’t give him a home together anymore. Recently, Fell has started saying, "I love you" again (which I didn’t think would ever happen a few weeks ago) and been more affectionate. He gave me an EXCELLENT birthday this weekend. I was so spoiled. Fell hasn’t said out loud that we’re back to reconciling yet, but I think we are. Part of me is afraid to ask though. I don’t want him to feel pressured to make a commitment either way when things are still pretty fresh.
Fell helped me to see the rape and attempted rape for what they were, though I take responsibility for the consensual acts that I engaged in and the lies that I told leading up to it. He encouraged me to file a police report and a Title IX complaint. The DA dismissed the case, but Title IX is ongoing. I’m taking a leave from school to deal with the fallout and get in a healthy place so I don’t keep doing the destructive things I’ve been doing all my life. I’ve dropped all my friends who knew of the affair and either kept it from Fell or encouraged it. So I don’t have friends now. I am attending therapy and support groups.
I love Fell. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I’ve never had the intimacy with anyone else that I have with him. No one could ever know me like he does. He’s extremely intelligent, smart, funny, interesting, has an amazing sense of taste, the best cook, super adventurous…I could go on. I don’t want to lose him, and I don’t want our child to lose his home and his family. I deeply regret the affair and the ways that I have backslid in reconciliation. This process has revealed to me that I have a lot of deep seated issues. The affair isn’t one stain on a lifetime of honesty and integrity. Recovery isn’t what I thought it would be before discovery - Fell processing their feelings and us moving on eventually - it’s about me seeing that the affair was part of a larger pattern of behavior and the underlying beliefs powering it. I’m the one who has to do the work of healing, not Fell. Part of me is afraid that I don’t have what it takes to help Fell heal. I read the lists of what an unfaithful partner should know or do to help their partner heal, and it takes such emotional strength and maturity. I want to give that to Fell. He deserves it. I’m worried I can’t do it though. If I was strong and emotionally mature, then I wouldn’t have had an affair in the first place. I’m posting this so others know my story and in hopes to get help and support from others who have been there. Some things I specifically was looking for insight on is:
1. Have you ever had to deal with something like Title IX or a criminal case post affair, that brought up reminders of the affair or affair partner for a while after NC? If so, how did you deal?
2. How do you deal with the triggers and lingering feelings for the affair partner?
3. Can affairs be traumatizing for the unfaithful partner? I feel traumatized, besides the sexual assaults. Not to say that my pain is anywhere like my partners, at all. He had no consent in this at all. I made a shitty choice knowing it was a shitty choice. It’s worse for him.
4. How long and detailed was your written timeline?
5. Did you have difficulties remembering things to make the timeline? If so, what has helped? I don’t want to lie to Fell, and have already had to go back and correct things because I forgot things that were important about the affair. I don’t want to lie or trickle truth. I also have a poor memory. I’m worried that I’m going to unintentionally contradict myself and make things more confusing and hurtful for Fell.
6. What do you do when you start feeling yourself get lazy with recovery?
7. Should I talk to Fell about if we’re in reconciliation or just go with the flow until he is ready to clarify where he is to me?
8. Any tips for dealing with the pain of loneliness or fear of abandonment when your partner needs space or doesn’t know how they feel about the relationship long term?
9. How did you become the person who could be a supportive partner to your hurt spouse after the affair, given that you probably didn’t have those qualities before the affair?
10. Did you ever seriously mess up reconciliation and later on recover and still heal your relationship? How?
General advice or insights are also appreciated. I’ve never been in this place before and there’s no ground to rest on. I don’t know what’s going to happen, if I know what I’m doing, if I’m still going to have my family tomorrow, but I know that I can’t do this alone.
12 comments posted: Thursday, March 28th, 2024
