Heres my story so far.

Maybe this isnt fully the right place. My situation is 10 years old, and I experienced some level of discovery at the time. But this year is the first year I am processing this in earnest.

My(37) wife(34) used to be a beverage cart girl and server/bartender at a golf course and country club way back in 2014 before we were married.

It was 10 years ago, and I was stupid and young and we were in love, having our first go at making it on our own.
So we socialized with her coworkers. The executive chef(B), a male server(J), a female server(k), and various other male and female coworkers at bars, houses, and events. Sometimes happened with a group of members of the club, (P) and (H).

Timeframe for cheating begin and end dates are lost to time. But should be march, all the way to september. And maybe even later.

My personal knowledge of her cheating at the time was limited. Red flags were her warning me that J was very flirtatious. I asked her if she could handle it, and she scoffed, saying he was disgusting and that she would never let anything happen. I accepted this and we continued socializing around him and others.

For a time, an older member of the club (P) would give my wife $100 every time he saw her. From time to time, we would run into him and his friends at bars and restaurants and socialize. One evening at an irish pub, they and we were drinking and hanging out. A bachelorette party came in and they abandoned us to go harrass the ladies involved. My wife immediately started crying, and I paid for our drinks and we left. It was a big wtf is going on moment for me. She had no explanation.

Same month, we were socializing with some of her coworkers at a different members(H) house. We were intoxicated and I was waiting out my BAC to feel safe to drive home. After her coworkers left, My wife, H, and I remained in his home. Eventually, he grabbed my wife from behind, hands on breasts and began to kiss her neck. They were both staring at me. She did nothing to stop him. I paced the room for a few seconds, mulling over attacking a bigger man in his own home. Calmed down, grabbed her hand and dragged her out of there. "Why didnt you stop him, say no, come over to me, anything?" I asked. "I froze", she replied.

One day she was scared because P had been seen "being handsy" with her out on the golf course by course workers. Her boss asked if she was ok. She told him she was. I begged to make a "thing" out of it, and she made me promise I wouldnt. Ran into him at a mcdonalds a bit later. He literally ran from me.

Months went on. One day while i was at work, she called to ask if she could go on a boat ride with coworkers. I asked which ones, and she listed only male names, including J and B. So I got mad and told her hell no. She claimed for years not to have gone on that boat.

We met them later at a bar the same day and they were all shaming me for not trusting my girlfriend. I explained that we had a rule about opposite sex friends being only for hanging out with both of us present, that it was her idea, that I wasnt the jealous one, and that i purged all my female friends when we were dating at her request. They all started laughing. Holy shit, is that true? They asked her. She stared at the floor. Later she was angry that I humiliated her, and "made our shit everyone elses business".

One evening, same bar, I saw her phone light up with a text. From J. I made a mental note of it because they were both right there. I watched her put her password into her phone and memorized it. Later i got into her phone and all texts from j were gone. Pretending not to know, I asked her to show me her phone. She was smug till i asked her where the text i saw her get that night went. Deer in the headlights. Not so smug now. We fought. She claimed that he was pursuing her, and she didnt want me to hate him so she deleted it. Never believed it, but I was still stupid and thats where I fucked up.

Sometime later i had a bad week and got shitcanned off of a big construction project. That night there was going to be a big party for the staff at a nightclub. I told her i didnt want to go out and that without me, she shouldnt. She begged me. We made a plan that she would go with a couple we knew whom I trusted. She was to come back with them, and call me to pick her up if anything went off plan. She rode off with them at 7:30pm.

At 3am, she asked me to come pick her up an hour away from our house at Ks house. When I got there, K asked me to let her have sleepovers in the future. In the car, I demanded to understand why she didnt stick to the plan, and what happened?

She told me the couple abandoned her, and she ended up getting a ride to B’s house with J and K. Just then, her phone lit up with texts from K talking about how good she felt and how wet she was. She immediately revised the story that K was all over her on the car ride and said that when they got to B’s house, she went up to use the bathroom. When she came out, the lights were off and she screamed. B and J apparently didnt like that and threw her and K out. K drove her to K’s house and that where I picked her up.

I blew up and we fought and i involved her mother and things went to shit for a month. We stopped socializing, she begged me to stay. I acquiesced. Wanted the relationship. Fairly sure she ended things with J to retain me.

Years went by with nothing of the sort. There were small revelations when it came up, but she stuck largely to her story. We got married in 2019 and bought a house. We have a happy little life.

Except…. It comes up every couple of years and I slowly learn more and more.

P was apparently giving her money and then pinching her vagina over her clothes. Later he would stick his hands down her shorts and finger her.

After marriage, I learned that she got fingered by B and K at the same time in the back of that car, J drove, and I’m supposed to believe the rest of the story as told. Shes stuck to that.

ive since learned that J and her were meeting in private places at work to make out, and she apparently only got fingered those times as well. She acted like she was an unwilling participant who couldnt say no. Like he was pressuring her into it. How often? All the time!

But later, I learned that he would text her where, and she would go to him. After this revelation, it only happened 7 times that she could remember.

I learned this year, 10 years later that she did go on that boat, but made them turn it around and take her back.
I learned that they made out at her car before she got on the boat.
and that one time she went to the club to make out with him during his closing shift on a day off for her when I was working.

And that one time she sent him a nude. Which led to the discovery that when I learned texts were being deleted, all coms moved to snapchat.

And this past sunday I just learned that one time when they made out, her shorts were off. Because "he wanted to see my butt in the mirror while we made out".

Its like my world is blown open. Ive moved past this not knowing what really happened, and Im devastated. I thought we worked through this. I feel so fucking stupid. She says no sex ever happened with any of these people. Doesnt remember anything else. And of course, each time, Ive told you everything. Till the next time.

I really blew up this time. The character of how this was perceived by me has totally changed. But truly, I was just ignoring my gut and accepting her stories before. I dont know If Ill ever believe her again now. And for the first time, its actually hitting me.

We are doing infidelity workbooks and seeing a counseler. 2 sessions so far. Im disappointed, she isnt really talking in sessions much. She believes herself to be done with disclosure and I keep learning game changing information.

Im here for the long haul and love the shit out of this woman. I dont know how Im going to keep all my promises now. My home doesnt feel like a home, my marriage feels like a sham, and I feel worse than I did when my Dad died. My life feels over, and the parts I loved feel like a tacky lie.

Any advice, compassion, sharing, or thoughts is welcome and appreciated. Thank you for reading, thank you for caring.

157 comments posted: Sunday, March 31st, 2024