Welp...here I am...

Hi all! I have been a lurker on here for the past few weeks and felt I needed to write this post. My WS and I have been together for 7 years, married for 5. I'm 29 and she is 30. We have no children.

Noticing Cracks
Our M was great up until about 2 years ago. Prior to the A, I came to the conclusion that my WS had some problems managing money. She consistently spent more money every month than we brought in. We both work, so she was contributing, but it became increasingly hard to balance our budget each month. After many conversations and arguments, I chose to no longer contribute to any of her spending outside of our necessities; she agreed to this and appeared to be relieved. We separated our finances and have been in that condition ever since. Fast forward a bit to last Summer. I noticed my WS was more distant, angry, attacking of me, and didn't wish to participate in our M. My WS started a new job as well, around Aug. 2023. Her role required her to work long hours with AP whom she was assigned to work with. After taking this job, my WS's behavior worsened considerably to the point of emotional abuse, manipulation, constant gas-lighting and downright hatred (in my opinion). Cycles of love-bombing and discarding were regular. I didn't really understand this at the time, but see it now. It wouldn't surprise me if WS is high in narcissistic tendencies, but I have no way of knowing for sure.

Messages
Towards the end of Nov. 2023, I was concerned about the behavior of my WS (towards me), and looked through her iPad. On it, I discovered suspicious messages suggesting an EA starting after my WS started her new job (Dday). There was no evidence of a PA at that time. To say the least, I was absolutely shocked. I never imagined my WS would do this to me or betray me like this. It was a direct attack on my masculinity. I started to prepare myself to confront her and immediately went and was STD tested (just in case). I also visited a lawyer and obtained advice according to my situation. I was also able to gain more access to my WS's online accounts and uncovered more evidence of an EA as well as her speaking with friends about how to delete iMessages. I confronted my WS about a week later after I was prepared. We sat and talked for about 4 hours (yeah, I know ). The conversation consisted of me asking my WS about her relationship with the AP, to which she denied everything. As I revealed more proof of the EA, she would admit small things, like "it never meant anything". She told me she thought AP was interested in her and he may have sent her some inappropriate messages, but that she never reciprocated. These lies where debunked with more evidence. Initially this was all she would admit too, and towards the end of the conversation I felt I had obtained enough information from her responses to be convinced of an EA (duh), and a PA was probably unlikely (she adamantly denied this; and to be honest, I had no evidence of a PA). I told her I would consider R if she agreed to NC, IC, MC, agreement to treat each other with respect, and complete access to each other's digital lives; attempting to build a foundation for a new M. She would also need to delete any application that would obscure messages or make information easy to hide (i.e. Snapchat; which she had recently downloaded; and conveniently deleted one day after I found the messages on her iPad). I also required her to show me every communication she had between her and the AP. If she did not comply with these requests, we would separate right away and pursue D. She agreed to all requirements, but became visibly distraught when I asked to see her phone and her computer so I could download all messages etc. Frantic even. She initially refused and accused me to prying too deeply into her personal life; she clearly was extremely guarded of these devices. I eventually told her that since she would not agree to my demands, that I was leaving. I guess that pushed her over the edge and she sat me down and informed me she had a PA with the AP twice, while at work, even though she had just lied to my face at least 20 times saying nothing physical had ever happened. She informed me she had already broken off everything, according to her. I asked many questions and she answered most of them. She claimed they used protection, but I personally feel this is a lie, although she maintains this to this day. I was never able to recover any additional material from her devices due to them already being deleted !

I have been devastated by this news and have felt just about every emotion known to man in the past few months. I made a pact with myself that I'd not rush into a decision about my M until some time had passed and I had a chance to process things. I have been through the emotional wringer. I never expected to be in this place and to say it hurts is truly an understatement. I have had trouble putting to words the feelings I have felt and the betrayal that I have experienced.

Since D-day
After finding out about the A, my WS and I spoke a lot throughout December and the first part of January. She became even more distant, disrespectful, hurtful, and wouldn't take full responsibility for her actions. She continues to maintain to this day that the reason she entertained the A was due to her unmet needs. She does tell me she is sorry, feels remorse, and wishes she could change the past and states she takes full responsibility, but I don't feel she has put those thoughts into action. I'll be honest, my gut tells me things are still off. From what I can tell, she has abided by my demands (moved to another division at work and does not see AP etc.) Despite these things, in early Jan. of this year she got very upset I did not do some chore (to this day I am not sure what it is, since she never told me about it) to the point she gave me the silent treatment for about a 4-5 days. After this event and the other items I noted above, I made the decision to move out of the house, since she didn't seem like she wanted me around anyway. Plus, I could use the space to process everything.

After
After I moved out, it appears my WS has woken up to reality. Her behavior completely changed. She became the kind, loving, considerate spouse I married years ago. She is constantly reaching out to me to setup times to visit/talk, and attempts to initiate intimacy many times during these visits. She claims she will do anything to save the marriage at this point. She has kept up her end of the bargain for regular IC and we have begun attending MC. I have not moved back into the house, but she does continue to request status updates when I would move back in (I haven't made that decision yet). To be honest, this time has been very weird for me. I'd love to believe my WS is genuinely trying to change, but my gut says this is just a phase. I recently learned that she had at the very least an EA when she was with her ex-boyfriend prior to us being together; and am afraid that this will not be the last time I deal with infidelity in my relationship. I didn't know about this until recently and she has always maintained she never was unfaithful in any previous relationships.

My Questions
I understand no one but myself can decide what direction I should take with this relationship, but I'll be honest. I kind of feel like I'm stuck, or in limbo. Although my WS has made very positive improvements, I am very weary of the relationship and trust has not even remotely improved. Has others taken certain steps that have been beneficial in processing an A to move forward (either D or R; I just want movement).

I have just recently been able to locate contact information of the AP's spouse. To my knowledge AP and her are married and have children. I intend to contact her and inform her of the situation.

I have also seen recommendations for the WS to perform a polygraph, and I have been considering this so I may get some more closure to specific items I think my WS may be lying about. What are your thoughts on this?

I realize that most of this is a way for me to vent and get things on my chest out in the open, but I'd also like your honest feedback. Through my own therapy etc. before the A and after I have been working on building the best relationships that I can in my life, and this whole situation has thrown a wrench in my plans. Crazy how life does that to you.

Thank you all for your consideration, I appreciate SI and everything it has to offer!

8 comments posted: Wednesday, March 27th, 2024

hey mods

Could you move my post in R forum to JFO? Sorry for the trouble, still learning the ropes here. Thank you for all the work you do.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/662595/welphere-i-am/

2 comments posted: Wednesday, March 27th, 2024

hey mods (moved to Just Found Out)

  This Topic has been moved to Just Found Out

0 comment posted: Wednesday, March 27th, 2024