When does a trauma response become a victim identity?

What a question! A lot to unpack I think, at least for me. I have always appreciated symmetry, and as I grew and began to learn psychology it was a natural progression to identify worldly symmetry with inner symmetry. Or as Jung described it: the duality of mankind. It feels right, it fits with my personal philosophy on life. There is no light without shadow, you cannot know happiness without sorrow, pleasure without pain. So much work in the zeitgeist of today’s wellness seems to focus mostly on the light, all while ignoring the shadow. Not all of course, but we’re living in an age of a kind of malignant positivity (as it pertains to self-help etc, the world is far from positive), which I think can be dangerous if it ignores the darkness within. The darkness not being "bad," just another half of our whole selves.

Inadvertently I began my own shadow work years ago when I first joined the Army. Not even knowing fully why I was doing it. One of the many reasons I enlisted was to prove to myself that I wasn’t what I was made to feel I was. The kid who was always bullied. Later, the guy who was cheated on. Then the guy who humiliated himself trying to keep her around. All of these traumas became central to me. My thoughts would turn to fantasies of being cheated on, humiliated, abused. I never wanted that, but it’s where they turned.

I’ve read in many places this is often a trauma response, a way to take control. That being said, I believe that unchecked and unexplored it was allowed to evolve into an identity for me. An egoic fortress of superiority I suspect (after reading Tolle). Perhaps subconsciously I took some pleasure knowing that I was superior to my ex and my bullies by knowing I have suffered and they have not, I was betrayed and they were not. An idealistic and flagrantly miscalculated position to take, as I now understand. My bullies were bullies likely because they suffered. My ex less so, just a spoiled girl who was never forced to accept accountability for her actions. Her parents never let her fail, or face consequences. As a young and beautiful girl she had tons of male attention, and she just felt entitled to do with it what she saw fit. Either way, it was flawed thinking.

So now, many years later, after countless efforts to subconsciously meet my shadow, I finally understand it exists. Now, I’m looking back at it thinking "ok, well now how do I process all this and become whole?" I think back at the way I felt, and I understand I’m hurt. I feel the pain from it all, and it becomes less. The feelings, however, remain. I still get worked up thinking about it, and if left unchecked, the ego’s victim identity takes over until I become present again. One day I’ll shed the need for an identity at all. Then I’ll just be…shadow and all. Whole.

The first step in solving a problem is identifying it exists. So I’m already on the right track and I’m proud of that. What’s next though? Just keep feeling and acknowledging my humiliation until it doesn’t sting anymore? Or try and force it away? Just try and stay totally present. I’m not sure. For now I’ll continue my shadow work, try and make myself whole and take the ego’s desperate need for control and superiority out of the mix as best as I can.

Does this make sense to anyone? I’m working nights and I always get a little morose and philosophical when my circadian rhythm is turned upside down. It does however, articulate how I’m feeling (at least to me).

3 comments posted: Saturday, November 23rd, 2024

My journey and my thoughts, nothing profound - pain but understanding

I think I’m writing this for my own therapeutic outlet. I’m concerned that my emotional reaction to reading stories of infidelity is now out of proportion to what it should be, or perhaps what is healthy. Let me explain.

My own encounter with infidelity was a long time ago, probably close to 20 years. Familiar story, 1st love, I was trusting, she cheated with so many guys and I had no idea. Then when she finally confessed, I did everything wrong. Pick me dance, compromised my values, the works. Thank god she left me anyway because she could have strung me along forever. It changed my underlying brain chemistry I’m sure, because I developed some deep insecurities that I would avoid dealing with directly for 2 decades. Fortunately I’ve been in therapy for a few years and have come such a long way. Now I am confident in myself, I understand my value and have developed self respect and self appreciation without being arrogant or vindictive.

Part of my therapy was unpacking the years of inadequacy I felt after what she did to me. Perhaps more importantly is my hindsight and absolute horror in the way I abased myself for this girl. She taught me some hard lessons about life, about women, about people. I’ve learned not to put people on a pedestal, and I am much more wary about people and the world. I am far less trusting, and much less naive. I now understand that there is no justice in the world, life is unfair (sometimes in my favor - it’s important to be honest with ourselves), and that we are overall insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and must make our own lives what they are worth.

So a lot of good has come from my therapy. When I started to unpack the trauma related to my infidelity a number of emotions have arisen, and I spent the better part of last year reading everything that support for betrayed/waywards, SI (both the website and the subreddit), and asoneafterinfidelity have to offer. I think I have gained helpful insight into this disease/trauma/whatever, and am confident in myself now.

So what’s this post all about?

Despite all the progress I’ve made, I am wondering if I have now progressed beyond what has been helpful for my own edification surrounding this issue, and am now entering a phase where there is not much to learn, but the emotional pain that comes from reading stories is intoxicating and painfully addictive. Maybe now, it’s to the point where it is actually harming me instead of helping me understand. Like the song says "you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness." Maybe it’s time to walk away?

I just finished reading some older stories here, and became absolutely internally furious at the injustice of it all. Mostly because I can see myself in the betrayed’s position, and I think I project because I’m so mad at myself for behaving in the pathetic way that I did, that I wish I could go back in time and slap myself in the face to wake up from the nightmare. I want to shake my past self and say "have some &%*$ self respect, wtf is wrong with you?" But I can’t do that, so I want to figuratively slap these guys instead. The injustice of it all is what really kills me. Many of these stories are years old, long over, so there is no utility in any kind of participation on my part. Regardless, It’s not my life, so I think my response is out of proportion to what I should feel about it all. It’s most likely me projecting my own residual hate for the doormat I was, but I am no longer that person. So if I’m not that person, and it’s not my life, why do I get so angry? Maybe it’s time to leave all these forums behind. Now that I’ve learned what I came to learn?

I’m a very empathetic person, which has helped me in my feelings for many wayward and betrayed spouses alike. I am reminded of Roy Kent’s press conference in the TV show Ted Lasso, where he says that none of us know what’s really going on in each other’s lives. And that a better philosophy in which to live, is to give each other love, even when we do wrong. I think there is wisdom there, and it doesn’t mean you have to allow yourself to be abused.

Something that I was not expecting when I undertook this journey, was to actually feel empathy for many of the waywards out there. The one’s who show a desire to learn and better themselves anyway - there are other types of waywards who enjoy the abuse, and I am not addressing them (though certainly they have their own demons which drive their behavior). It isn’t a good childhood that makes a narcissist…. However, those who have really terrorized their partners, but have done a lot of work on themselves - I honestly appreciate them so much and their contributions to my own learning about this selfish disease. I root for them, I have no hate for them, and I respect the people they’re trying to be / the people many of them have already become, even if I don’t respect the people they were (just like I do not respect the man I was). Pain is the common denominator whether you are betrayed or wayward. I give love to the waywards here, who are trying to understand. I appreciate more than words can say, those who have made the journey, improved their own understanding of their behaviors, and have chosen to live better lives. I also honor their courage and integrity, to put themselves out there and pass on what they’ve known.

I want to continue to be empathetic, I want to continue to trust. I know that if my wife cheated on me, I would respond however I chose, from a position of strength, self realization and self-respect. There would be no revenge, I would empathize with her and decide what to do in the marriage from there. I don’t think she is the type of person to do that, we’ve been married for over a decade now and reading about all this infidelity and coming to terms with my own demons has made me appreciate her all the more. I’ve told her as much, and while she supports my own journey into this, she also has her own fears that maybe there’s a point to stop spending time on these boards, and live the life in front of you. There’s wisdom there, I know it, it’s just that I’m having trouble living it.

Thank you for reading. I’m proud of who I am, I don’t wish ill on the girl who forever changed my life for the worse, she probably hasn’t thought of me since. I don’t really think about her at all but I am reminded every time I come in one of these forums of the idiot I was, and how it really ruined me for the longest time. But in 100 years I’ll be long dead, and nobody will know or care about my struggles. Perhaps it’s time to leave them behind and just live. Easier said then done, hence the post.

I think, what I’m still struggling with, but know is the only true path forward comes down to one word - Acceptance.

Thank you for reading. I don’t really have a question per se, just wondering if anyone can relate? It helps to know you’re not alone.

21 comments posted: Friday, June 7th, 2024