Flooding, Fear and trying to Move On

Looking for some thoughts on this one please

At Xmas I caught my husband having an EA with my very close friend and neighbour. He was batteling depression and is clearly Avoidant (I anxious), he was also unhappy in his marriage with me saying I had toxic behaviours towards him and he just backpacked all his emotions so didnt say to me that he was building resentent. Finding out about them both (she was in my house all the time, and I was confiding in her at the pain of him totally withdrawing from me and the kids) gave me PTSD which I still struggle with now. We are both in IC and MC

Fast forward 7 on and Im still spiralling and flooding, I cant help it, I I can so angry and full of fear so I lash out at him saying Im leaving him and we are over (I really dont want a divorce but something takes over and I just want to run away).

He is now getting 'stronger' in him and says me doing this is pushing him away, he really withdraws and goes cold (he is working on this with his therapist) but doing this makes me panic that he will leave and the spiral continues.

Is this normal?, or am I wrong in doing this? I feel like he is punishing me for getting upset and trying to talk about what happened (as an avoidant, conflict is hard for him). I can see him getting more frustrated and I feel its just a matter of time before he leaves and calls it a day. Its all too much for him. He says he is 50/50 happy but still feels lonely. He said he is no longer depressed but post depression he is very different, not better just different. Colder, irritable, needs his own spaced and less patient and kind with me. He isnt the man I married and Im really greaving for him (and our old marriage)

Does anyone else self sabotage?, is just time needed? do you walk away? The EA was never sexual and was comfort as they were both unhappy with their partners but crossed the line to flirting over xmas. I feel sometimes he dulls down on what happened but says that Im catastrophizing it and just wont let go of it and move on. Ive found out now that she has a past of having multiple affairs and Im so scared he will go back with her if we split and the full PTDS starts again (it was awful)

We still have love and when we arent 'putting us under a microscope' we are really good. But I can see how my flooding is loosing him. Or are we just done and too changed to keep being together.

3 comments posted: Friday, August 30th, 2024

Question for WS - How common is it to go back to your AP?

Question for the WS' on here, do you ever think of going back 'there' to her/them, even after all the good work?

My husband had an EA with my close friend and neighbour for 4 months. It was a comforting relationship for him as he fought severe depression (all hidden from me as the D made him hate me and 100% blame me for having it) but by Dec had changed into sending flirty messages. Her husband found their text messages of 'Love you like crazy' on Xmas day. He insists it was just comfort and never seen her 'that' way but had crossed the line into flirting/ego stroking and chasing dopamine. (I've not had any TT in 7 months and also through MC - everything he says checks out as he said he is being 100% honest). I also didn't see any of the messages (and I don't want to) as he deleted them all, of course.

We have MC which was worked really well and he has been having his own ongoing therapy. We communicate now (he hasn't been great at this as cant deal with emotions well and surpresses them) we talk now (we stopped talking) as he couldn't deal with conflict (he has attachment avoidant style) he has stopped people pleasing and his therapist has pointed out there is some ND going on there (personality disorder/ADHD). We now spend time apart doing stuff for ourselves, we have date nights, we listen, we are kind to each other. Just basic things that we had stopped doing but making us better for each other and ourselves.

He has had total NC with her from Day 1 (this he said he hasnt found difficult at all), has been supportive when I spiral (the shock gave me PTSD) and doing everything to find out why he crossed that line (he is disgusted at himself) and work on loving himself which is something that he has never done. The D makes it even tougher.

But I still don't feel safe, I have started my own IC that I hoping will help. My 'friend' has had multiple affairs over the years (I didnt know this) and I feel she is a bit of a preditor and seeked out broken man (but he still views her at the time as a good friend to him - although does understand that she was very in the wrong, along with him, by the end.

I just feel stuck, do they go back - even after all the work and they know what they have done? I know this cant be fully answered but just wanted to ask any WS on here what the general thoughts were. I just cant get my head around it all in why do all the work and see the amount of hurt you caused only to go back to somme equally broken.

Im trying to move forward and trust again and still finding it all very hard.

4 comments posted: Monday, July 29th, 2024

Bad day - but does it get better?

Today is a hard day. My story is on here but basically my husband got caught having an Emotional Affair with my very close friend at Christmas. Its been 6 months now post DD, and he is doing everything he can to change.

Depression has and does play a large part in what happened and why he did what he did, Ive been following the 'Depression fallout' board by Anne and I know EA are common in depressed men. I was also not to blame and our lives had got more complicated with less effort. I needed to charge too.

But Im still struggling. As far as I know (and I do believe him) no contact has been made with HER, He said he does not miss her at all, he seems happier these days, he seems to be truthful when I ask him things (even when we know it will hurt, its all about being honest) and working massively on himself fighting the depression through IC and MC. I also have my own therapy (which said I need to focus on the NOW and see the work he is doing NOW.

We are moving forward and we are good BUT Im still so scared to let my guard down and totally commit. Im terrified that she comes back into our lives (she is our neighbour just to make things worse) Im scared that he misses her (he said he doesnt, she was there for comfort and to talk to when the Depression made him hate me) Im scared that he will leave us for her and the pain comes back (I was left with PTDS after finding out about them which was awful and I cant have that feeling return), Im scared that he will turn around and say its been 6 months and Ive worked out now I do want her, Im scared if he goes back into a depressed state again that he will reach out for her again (this is a woman who has has multiple affairs and the morals of a gutter rat)

Some days I just want to run away, some days Im left so heartbroken, others day angry (how DARE these people play with our hearts and lives like this.

Just needing a hand hold today and advice on does it get better? Is it just time? Do you think after 6 months we would have made contact with her by now if he wanted to?

Such a mess...............

3 comments posted: Sunday, June 30th, 2024

Help with Ruminations and Meltdowns

My husband got caught at Christmas texting my/our close friend and neighbour. He was very very depressed and had a breakdown (confided in her and not me as was seeing me as an enemy and making him unhappy - typical depressed thoughts) so went to to her to speak emotionally for 4 months, and then in December the text message got 'flirty' and her husband seen the messages and my husband then told me.

Fast forward 5 months, we have been doing MC and its working well, BUT, at times I have complete meltdowns and get very angry at him and it puts us back. I really want to stop this but I just cant seem to control my dispaire and sadness at them both doing this to me. These meltdowns do not help us as it triggers him too. He has totally put his hands up and said he was in the wrong and is disgusted with at himself but he was never looking for anything else but comfort and in Dec the text messages crossed the line to flirty (I've not seen the messages and I dont want to). He is not in contact and doesnt want to.

I'm now booking IC for me to deal with all this - but in the meantime does anyone have any kind words or advice on how to control these meltdowns? I try so hard most of the time but I feel like my emotions, body and brain arent connected and I have no control! (doesnt help she is my neighbour and lives across the road). It seems to happen after a couple of wines

Im really struggling and it doesnt help that Im also dealing with his depression (which he is getting IC for and working very well) and he still doesnt see she is a 'bad person' (this woman has had previous affairs and knew EXACTLY what she was doing) just a 'friend' that tried to help and got messy.

Positive stories only please - I need to stop dwelling on the negative our our marriage is over

12 comments posted: Friday, May 24th, 2024

Husband, Emotional Affair and Depression - help

My husband has been recently been diagnosed with depression and maybe ADHD. Last Summer before he found out he was depressed (even though it was obvious he was very ill) and started treatment, rather than talk to me he broke down one night and told my close friend and neighbour on a walk back from the pub (id left earlier with the kids) how unhappy and in pain he was with life, me, work, everything. Id also been confiding in her as my husband as he has grown cold and withdrawn from from me and didnt know what to do. This went on for 4 months and was an emotional affair (nothing at all sexual he said it was comfort only). He said said he never went looking for an 'affair' but she did say she had started to catch feelings to her husband (he found their text message but they didnt stop) and in their secret text messages began to get closer in Dec and blurred lines in these messages (again nothing sexual) but all hidden from me and he still didnt stop it message and meeting (they met up 3 times on a dog walk) even with her 'caught feelings' comment. They were found out again at Xmas when he broke down and told me everything (he has started a couple of therapy sessions by then and started to see what they were doing was wrong -also it was his choice to tell me as the husband said I wont tell your wife)

We are now trying to work on our marriage with marriage therapy and, he is having cbt sessions and things are better but he is still struggling in him and slightly cold. He isnt in contact with her at all although he id meet heron a dog walk and he said he felt awkward but nothing, not sad not happy - just like meeting an old friend. He still doesnt see massively what she did wrong as she was only trying to help him but does see that she has destroyed me.

Im so confused and angry as to WHY these two people could do this to me. Ive found out that this close friend has had multiple affairs in the past so she seems to know exactly what she is doing and by the sounds towards Dec was lining him up to have an affair as she never backed away. He said it was only comfort nothing else to him - but messages did cross the line (such as him saying the 'love' word to her at xmas - he told me he but wasnt at all in love with her, he was in love with the respite and listening she was offering him). He cant remember much about the messages as this stress of it all was causing depersonalisation and Derealisation and the 'love word' was as in a close friend way, as this was the only person he has telling of his pain.

He said he couldnt speak to me as the depression had started to make him hate me and see everything I dont negativel and he thought Id leave him if he told me. Basically she just listened.

Any comforting words would be appreciated as in a 20 year relationship we have had nothing like this, we have always been solid except a few years back we started a business together and I started peri menopause causing some strain and this started the depression as but he never told me anything, he kept it all in (he has never been good with talking about emotions).

Is this normal behavouir for a depressed person? He is very remorseful and is doing everything he can to save our marriage, he totally holds his hands up but still sees her not fully in the wrong as she was a close friend who yes did cross the line. Im just broken and so hurt by the betrayed trust from both of them - I feel violated by her as I told her so much about me and marriage issues only to text my husband at night, I also got PTSD from finding out about them which is now better but I still get these intrustive thoughts which makes me spiral.

Any help or words of support would be welcome. I dont have a how to get over this or understand this. Any success stories too as Im trying so hard to see this from his side also - both of us was at fault here with lack communication and toxic learned behavious (which we are both working hard on to change)

Part of me now just wants to end it, Im terrifed of her potentially coming back on the scene and destroying me again. I also dont know how much he actally loves me due to the coldness iof his depression and if he is just scared to leave the children.

Ive said over and over again he is welcome to leave or welcome to go to her.

Should I stay and work on it or go and start new. So confused as I love him but not this changed person.

15 comments posted: Thursday, April 11th, 2024