A BS with no-one to talk to (seeking advice)
I am writing this post to seek advice on specific questions. First, some rather long context...
It's 6 weeks from Dday and I've never shared this story, not with anyone. The affair started from January 2024 to early April 2024 (3-4 months) with MM - MM has a young child too. Me and WW have been married for just under 2 years now, with no kids. We have been together for a total of 11 years. I am 36 and WW is 34.
The revelation of the affair occurred when I stumbled upon texts exchanged between my spouse and MM. Following a confrontation, my partner admitted to the affair. According to her, it began with a kiss during a night out, evolving into sporadic meetings (mainly on nights out at bars) and exchanges of text messages over subsequent months. She maintains that the relationship did not progress physically beyond kisses, though I remain sceptical. I know that this was at least an emotional affair.
When I discovered the affair, she opened up to me about mental health issues she's been having for several months (to the point of experiencing suicidal thoughts). More recently, she has been signed off from work with stress and sought professional help from a doctor. She revealed that part of the affair stemmed from her inability to discuss her mental health concerns with me at the time. MM had been having marriage troubles and she said she was able to confide in him. While I recognize that our communication was lacking during that period, this revelation did not diminish the profound devastation I experienced upon learning of the affair.
The past six weeks have been extremely tough, yet we are both committed to reconciliation. I think she is scared that I will leave her, while I'm scared that she still has feelings for MM. She wants things to "go back to normal" but I'm not sure things will ever go back to the old "normal" (interested on views on this).
Only three of us know about the affair: myself, my spouse (WW), and MM. From my point of view, I want to keep it this way because if our family/friends found out about this, I would find it much harder to reconcile. Unsurprisingly, WW and MM are happy with this too. However, this brings with it's own challenges, and perhaps makes it harder for me, but this is a choice I am happy with (for now). I am also concerned that WW will always be anxious that I could potentially tell everyone, and therefore she may feel trapped with me to avoid the devastation that telling people about the affair would cause for her.
There are a few challenges that I'd like to get advice on:
1) Does anyone have any experiences (positive or negative) of keeping the affair secret from everyone else, including family and friends?
2) MM (and his wife) are both in our wider social circle as a friend of a friend. While I want to avoid bumping into him as much as we can, there undoubtedly will be times when this is not possible. Is there a conceivable scenario in which encounters with MM, such as in a bar, could proceed without undue tension? Again, does anyone have any experiences (positive or negative) of the person their partner had an affair with still being in their lives?
3) Related to question 2, WW has suggested whether I would want to talk to MM - I have declined, but I want to know whether this would be a good idea or not?
4) Going forward, how can trust be rebuilt effectively? Despite assurances from my spouse, I find myself consumed by paranoia whenever she leaves the house. Striking a balance between allowing her freedom and managing my anxiety poses a significant challenge.
5) Finally, regarding therapy, would individual sessions or couples counselling be more beneficial? Our initial experience with a couples therapist was less than ideal due to the therapist not meeting both our expectations, prompting my decision to pursue individual therapy. My spouse awaits confirmation for individual talking therapy from her physician.
Sorry for the long post and I appreciate anyone who has the time to have a read and give me any advice - all advice appreciated!
24 comments posted: Wednesday, May 15th, 2024
