Separated

My husband told me we are separated and he is moving out. While I knew this was inevitable in the long run based on how bad his infidelity was and I’ve been talking to lawyers, I thought it would be my decision. I thought he would eventually beg me for forgiveness and try to fight for our family. Knowing he doesn’t love me enough to fight for us hurts more than I thought it would.

6 comments posted: Sunday, July 21st, 2024

Help me understand WH anger

I’ve tried looking through older posts but I haven’t come across this - can someone help me understand why a WH has so much anger towards their spouse? Are they deflecting so they don’t have to take accountability? He still refuses to admit anything even saying he doesn’t know anyone by the name of the AP (justifying that to himself because he put it as a man’s name in his phone?). How can someone do horrible things then get horribly cruel to their spouse? Why do they do this?

10 comments posted: Monday, July 1st, 2024

What do you consider emotional abuse?

It’s been a little over 3 weeks since I found out. My husband was really nice for a few days after but then turned and now refuses to talk to me and gets mad or annoyed when he sees me crying. I was crying on the couch this morning when he came downstairs. I went into the bathroom to cry so I wouldn’t have to deal with him getting mad at me again and the kids started fighting and screaming (they are 6 and 9 and fight all the time and he has never been able to be a real dad and help with it). He went upstairs and slammed the door and then got ready and left the house without a word. I cannot believe he is treating me this way, but the fact that he’s treating my kids this way is even more upsetting. Is this emotional abuse? How can someone do something so horrible and then get mad at others for being sad about it?! I don’t understand how someone can turn into a monster like this.

17 comments posted: Sunday, June 23rd, 2024

Podcasts

I’ve seen the book forum but does anyone have any good podcasts they recommend for grief, divorce, hope, strength, etc? My brain can’t focus on anything right now as I grieve but I’m hoping a podcast might help in some way.

5 comments posted: Friday, June 21st, 2024

Father’s Day

I just have to vent today.

Today is Father’s Day here and I’ve realized over the last few weeks how little involvement my WH actually has with his kids. I’ve always joked about being a single married mom who does everything because of his long, bad work hours (which apparently made his A much easier as he would just go to her house when he was "working" at night), but it really hit me how little my kids have gotten from their dad over the years and how much more they deserve. Which then breaks my heart even more because I am 99% sure if we D he will see them even less. I hate going on social media today seeing everyone post about their husbands being “the most amazing dad in the world! We are so lucky!” 🤮. Can’t relate.

I also made a consultation call with a lawyer and it gutted me. My husband receives a pension but it’s technically a disability pension (not through social security, he was a public employee who was forced to medically retire and receives a pension). I always thought I would be entitled to half of the pension but apparently I am not because it’s not a "regular" pension. So now I’m even more stressed about money and being a single mom if it comes to that. I didn’t contribute to my own 401k as much as I should have because he would always tell me "we will have my pension, that’s our insurance for the future".

Everything just feels like shit. I don’t see any future where I can be happy. I don’t want to uproot my kids from the only home they’ve known in a town where they are so involved in things but I can’t afford it on my own and child support calculators online say I wouldn’t even get very much even though my husband makes a lot more than I do when you combine his salary and pension. And my job is ending in a few months. I’m overwhelmed just thinking about it because that in itself is going to be a huge change as I’ve been so fortunate to have a flexible work at home job in a field and rank that doesn’t offer that very often. I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to find that again based on preliminary job searches and conversations with people in my field. I’ll be forced back into a regular 9-5 office job throwing off our schedules and my ability to take my kids where they need to be after school.

I can’t do it all on my own. I don’t WANT to do it on my own. He took my dreams and my future and my kids ability to have a happy family away from all of us.

I’m sorry for the long rant, I just don’t have anyone who I can talk to in real life about all of this and I’m spiraling. I’m avoiding my family and friends because I don’t want people to know what’s going on or talk about it or hear opinions about what they think I should do. I can barely make it through my day to take care of my kids. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

2 comments posted: Sunday, June 16th, 2024

I’m so broken, please help

Hi. I’m here looking for some encouragement after reading through posts for the last few days. In a nutshell, last week I woke up one day to an email, Facebook message, and Instagram message from someone who said she has been having a 3 year affair with my husband. She went into so much detail and added things about my family and my husband’s family that would destroy other marriages and families if it were all true. And not just infidelity related, things about someone’s sexuality.

We have 2 kids, 6&9, and I am beyond heartbroken at the thought of not only losing my marriage but ruining their lives too. I have read so many things about kids who come from broken homes struggling, having problems, and having more self harm attempts and all that. The thought of putting my kids through divorce makes me physically sick.

I also don’t understand how people can say there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Only have to wait 2-5 years to get over this pain! Yay!

My choices are stay in a loveless marriage but fake being happy for the kids while I die more inside, or be a broke single mom struggling to do it all? My husband isn’t being very honest with me and I don’t even know if he wants to stay with me or be with his girlfriend. I don’t see how either option will ever be good for me or how I can find any joy in life again.

I live in CA where there is a very high cost of living. We were lucky to get one of the lowest interest rates on our house because we bought years ago and now with the high costs of everything it’s actually cheaper than renting apartments around here, but I can’t afford the mortgage and bills and everything on my own. But I also can’t afford to move unless I move far away and my kids are deeply imbedded and committed to sports and teams we’ve committed to, I can’t uproot them from their lives for a cheaper place to live.

So how do I find hope when all of the options for my future feel hopeless and miserable to me? Is this a normal thought process that other people go through too?

33 comments posted: Friday, June 14th, 2024

How to get through each day

How did you all get through each day working and taking care of kids when you were/are so consumed with grief? I have been put on temporary sleep and anxiety medication but I still can’t function and it’s an added layer of stress on top of what I’m already going through. I’m journaling, meditating, but nothing is helping so far and I’m afraid it’s going to impact my job soon if I can’t get my sh*t together and function. I’m so consumed by this.

10 comments posted: Tuesday, June 11th, 2024