When informing the other betrayed spouse goes sideways!

I’ve been silently following along these forums for the past few months and you all seem like a great group to get some solid advice from.

My 1st anniversary of Dday is coming up at the end of the month and just like anybody going through infidelity, it’s been a hell of a year. Things have relatively been going as well as expected given the circumstance. My WH was forthcoming about the A and the details. A bit of trickle truth insued, but nothing drastic. I had hard evidence as I hired a PI and even planted a recorder in the car (no denying this bout of evidence right).

My WH’s A was "minor" in comparison to some of the other stories I read about, nonetheless any sort of an A is/was a dealbreaker for me - yet here I am, mostly trying to keep my young family intact, but seeing my WH efforts as well.

I feel like I have quite the dilemma on my hands. I know how important it is to inform the OBS, after months of sitting with this "guilt" of not reaching out I pulled the plug and messaged him a few weeks ago. What I thought would be a freeing feeling from this disclosure, actually left me confused as all hell.

The timeline and the details he shared were not even remotely the same as what I was told (or even what I know based on my own concrete evidence). It seriously felt like he was describing a completely separate A (afterwards I felt a pit in my stomach that this wasn’t his W’s first rodeo and she very well could of had a completely separate A prior to the one with my H) 😐 - you follow?

The conversation felt weird and unsettling, so I actually just wrapped up the conversation with "reach out if you need" kind of thing.

I was so worked up I immediately called my WH at work and started flying off the handle with what I was just told and was asking why nothing added up. He rushed home and was adamant that his timeline/story of events was correct and that I’ve been told everything. He has no idea what the OBS is talking about. He’s crying uncontrollably at this point. He truly has been working so hard over the course of this year and has been transparent about everything, we’re in IC and MC - even paid $3000 to do an affair recovery weekend with a top therapist in our area to be a mediator for when we "hashed" out the timeline/details.

Over the course of the months going by, I felt little by little all of the pieces were there, they fit and it made sense to me. I was content that I knew enough to process and understand what happened and was no longer going to continue digging. It was such a relief.

My WH called the phone company to access records so he could prove to me when things started up with them, but the phone company can only access 6 months from todays date so that’s no help. He has offered to take a polygraph about the accuracy of his timeline/story and anything else that will help confirm he’s being truthful about this.

I know cheaters lie and then they lie to cover up their lies. Based off of everything we’ve gone through this past year and the strides he’s taken I just don’t see why he would lie about his timeline/story - not after all we’ve been through.

Any insight on this? I wasn’t expecting this encounter with the OBS to go down this way. So much for doing the right thing, now I feel worse and more confused then ever.

88 comments posted: Monday, June 17th, 2024