I feel like d-day is immiment and have a tough decision to make

My VAR files from today and yesterday reveal, at the very least, a secret relationship that my W has with a co-worker. Voice conversations while she is commuting and likely using an app on her phone. Still working on finding out which app.

I have nothing solid that tells me it is intimate yet but it's friendly and it's secret. That's enough for me to know that it's likely heading towards a d-day. Something innocent would never be hidden from me.

What I'm currently battling with internally is how to say 'STOP! before you do serious damage to our marriage and lives together' while also not revealing my cards of how I know. How I'm collecting this information is the only/best asset I have to protecting myself once a full-blown affair is revealed. The naive optimist in me wants to believe that telling her I know will cause her to 'wake up' and not let this relationship deepen. I honestly don't know if it already has.

The other option, which is sickening, is to let this play out while I collect information so that I am empowered with the information I need to confront her/hire a lawyer/hire a PI. I am so not looking forward to nightly revelations and listening to their 'friendship' grow. *puke*

Also the emotions related to the flip-flop of some days feeling like there's nothing and I'm just being silly. And then there are days like tonight where the floor feels like it dropped out from under me. Rinse and repeat.

What I'm using to collect information.

- VAR that records morning and evening commute
- Car tracker that shows a location and trips
- A small battery operated camera that I am using to record her car's interior during her morning commute (the battery doesn't live long enough for end of the day recording).
- I am eagerly trying to capture her phone pin code so that I can look into her phone. She guards it heavily and face id is almost always used to open her phone so the pin display is rarely used.
- The spectrum router in our home does not allow me to see internal logs of website traffic. I have a new router arriving this weekend. I'll use that to hopefully reveal what apps she is using while connected to the home wifi.

As others have mentioned, it's sickening to have to think like this. Snooping around and violating her privacy is heartbreaking but I have to know the truth. One way or another for my own sanity. My gut is tugging me in a way it *never* has.

24 comments posted: Friday, July 5th, 2024

Struggline with how much to trust my gut instinct

Hi, I'm very new here and have not yet confirmed that my Wife is cheating on me.

The small amount of evidence I have feels irrational but I have this very strong gut instinct that I just can't shake. I'm also feeling guilt from having to work behind the scenes to set the trap with devices and obtain codes to unlock her phone. This is just not where I want my energy going. I really just want to feel safe in the marriage and work to provide for my family.

Are there tips out there of how to manage the anxiety that comes from this gut instinct? Are there at least happy outcomes to people out there that never found their partner cheating but they felt a similar gut feeling?

Last night I shared with her that I'm not accusing her but also just can't help but feel like something is wrong. She re-assured me last night and this morning before she left for work with a hug. 'I'm all yours and I'm the last person you need to worry about'. Honestly that re-assurance has allowed me to focus on work today, which is great, but in the back of my mind it feels naive to believe that 100%. Again, this gut feeling is just 'there'.

Thank you for listening.

48 comments posted: Wednesday, June 19th, 2024