How to trust again quickly

I don't really know what I want to get out of this. Just to rant and get words out I think.
About a month ago I happened to see a flirty message on my wife's phone from a colleague. She's a primary school teacher, he's the caretaker. I brought it up straight away, explained why i thought it was inappropriate and asked her to stop. She agreed.

Yesterday I could feel something was wrong, different. I asked her about it and she admitted they'd be talking a lot more and had confessed they had feelings for each other. I pressed further and she started to drip feed me information. 'We've kissed' turned into 'we've kissed most day for the past two weeks' turned into 'he's fingered me and i've given him a blowjob in my classroom cupboard...twice'. The first time was about 10 days ago, the second on Friday.

I'm crushed. I truly thought we had a superb relationship. We've worked hard, going from earning about £12k between us at one point to now earning £70k between us. We've got four wonderful children ranging from 18, 17 (both hers from a previous marriage but treated like my own), 6 and 4. We have arguments but nothing I thought different from any couple. We have a great, fulfilled sex life, having sex 4-5 times a week.

We've exhausted ourselves talking in the past 24 hours. She claims that they just naturally started talking and it grew from there. She has feelings for him but she doesn't love him (he's also married with 3 kids). I pressed her on him and she said he was special and they had things in common but couldn't really say what was special or what they had in common.

She absolutely maintains this is the first and only instance of infidelity within our relationship and she wants to do whatever she can to make it right. She's also told the bigger children what happened and they are both refusing to talk to her.

She was raped when she was 14 and has struggled every since to maintain healthy relationships and she thinks this is a control thing. She says that no one outside me and this other person has paid her attention in our relationship and by giving it away to the people that show her attention and affection it means she can't have it taken away like before.

We've agreed that we'll undergo marriage counselling for the sake of ourselves and our children and she'll undergo personal therapy to try and help her issues but I'm struggling to deal with the pain. The visceral, deep pain in my gut that I don't think is going away. I'm angry, i'm hurt, i'm scared for both me and my children. Does this stop? Does it get better? Can I help it get better? I haven't slept or eaten since i found out. I can't. The thought of food makes me want to be sick and the moment I lay my head down my brain is filled with images of them, of the life I think we might be losing and the realisation that I could be truly alone here. Divorce means I'll lose my kids just because I'm the male and despite doing nothing wrong. It's unfair, it's hurting.

We're also in the position where, although she's cut any contact via phone, facebook etc she'll be returning to work next week where he'll be. Having to process, hurt and then wave her off to the place where she cheated with the person she cheated in less than 10 days feels so quick and so, so har

I know that doesn't flow well but it's been somewhat cathartic to get my feelings written out. I'm not expecting any replies but I'm thankful for any that I do get. All I really want is my wife, and life, back to how it was.

15 comments posted: Monday, June 24th, 2024