Trying to understand the psychology of what I'm going through

I shared my story about 2 weeks ago here: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/663052/9-years-later-im-still-a-broken-man-ive-never-shared-my-story-with-anyone-so-ill-do-it-here/

This has been one of the most intense and frankly bizarre "episodes" I've had in 9 years. I've gone through what I can only describe as re-traumatization. I would say the way I've felt this past 2 weeks is utterly identical to the feelings I went through on D-day and the days that followed. I went through the entire process of discovery, shock, anger, depression all over again. The AP, who is now long gone and a ghost of the past, was as real to me as the chair I'm sitting on. I was terrified of him and what he did again. My wife could barely remember his name. That's how different we are.

I appear to be re-experiencing stages.

Reading back over my earlier post here, I can see that I wrote that at the height of my anger. I was angry. I painted a bleak picture of my life and told her I was thinking about divorce. It became obvious to me that this was my only ammunition to hurt her with empty threats of something I would never do at this point in our lives.

I just wanted her to cry.

I then hit an absolute slump and became extremely sad - the smallest little things would have me crying my eyes out.

Then the need to hug and hold my wife at every single waking opportunity. Like, over-the-top clingy behavior. "I just need to hold you". Then tears. She's taking care of our young kids and I'm sulking like man baby needing her to stop everything, ignore the kids, and hold me. Makes me feel pathetic and a failure as a father in that moment.

Then "hysterical bonding" sex. We had sex the other night and it was the most intensely loving sex I've had in 9 years. It wasn't horny sex either. Just this intense need to be as physically close to her (in her) as possible. Need for extreme intimacy and love. The whole time, I was adoring her and telling her how perfect she is. I cried happy tears during sex.

She loved this (since sex is usually dirty and transactional since D-day) and she felt loved. But then I read about hysterical bonding and made me realize it's probably just another coping mechanism for me and not authentic. It made me happy because in that moment, she was the girl I loved before we married and there was no stain or dirt when I looked at her (I wish I could feel that way forever). The sex we had a few nights ago is what I wish we had on our wedding night.

I'm realizing now how real the grief is. When she told me she cheated all those years ago, I felt like she died. The girl I adored and saw so much innocence in had passed away and left me. I continued on for 9 years married to someone else - still loved her, but keeping myself safe and guarded from a woman I now saw as sexually dangerous. This led to her feeling miserable at times because our marriage "lacked joy".

I read over past conversations (messages on Facebook) around the time she cheated, and I get so sad. I could have saved her - and us. It's like that scene from Interstellar where the guy looks back at a moment in his life screaming for making a wrong choice. I saw her going over the cliff and I could of stopped it. Here's the scene I'm talking about: https://youtu.be/GIUhpzv47YQ

I need to find a way to process this grief, accept the historical event and stop re-traumatizing myself. To be honest, I think my earlier post here may have made this far worse as it was the first time I wrote my experience out and shared it with other people. I supposed that's the risk you face when sharing is that it can make things worse.

I tried one therapy session last week. It was a CBT therapist. Didn't really see much potential for help there but maybe I need to give it a chance over time. I'd prefer to try EMDR - from what I've heard as I'd rather a faster solution than years of grueling talk therapy.

One thing the therapist did help with was telling me about "reassurance behaviors". For 9 years, I've periodically looked at photos of the AP online. It's an obsessive thing. Just need to stare at a photo of him. I've built up these mind movies and images of him being extremely attractive, tall and better than me, yet when I look at his photos online, I just see a fat, old, ugly guy. My mind shows me a guy who's stronger than me, yet I look at his photo and see frailty. So it reassures me that he's not better than me. I'm utterly obsessed with things like this and now I'm realizing the damage that's been done to my own image.

Regardless, she saw something in him at the time. What that was I may never fully understand.

Questions for those of you who have gone through therapy:

1. When it comes to therapy for myself, to what extent does the WS play a role in that recovery (especially much further on like we are now)? For example, if I'm seeking reassurance, is this something I need to arrive at within myself (so I don't need my wife to reassure me), or does my wife play a role in validating me as an aid to recovery?

2. Likewise, confusion about small details and facts. Even though it's all been said and repeated a million times, when do you get to a point where the small details "no longer matter" and you just accept it was bad and move on? I'm still obsessed over small details related to how she viewed me at the time, how they interacted verbally, what motivated her to stop seeing him (was it fear of being caught, was it guilt, was it realizing she loved me and this was wrong - so many potential answers here)? I need to establish at this point what's actually helpful for my own healing, and what's just kicking a dead horse and dragging us both through the mud with details.

3. Is EMDR the best way forward in my situation? I don't want to get in a trap of talk therapy - much of psychology to me is like chiropractors - they want to get you in on a long term plan and make you addicted to sessions. Major skepticism and trust issues with therapists.

5 comments posted: Saturday, July 13th, 2024

9 years later, I'm still a broken man. I've never shared my story with anyone so I'll do it here.

I've been dead inside for 9 years. Suicidal at times. At this point, I feel unfixable.

On the outside, I appear to have it all together. Financially well off, beautiful property, kids. People are envious of us.

But I despise my existence and nobody knows it.

I'm just going to post what happened to me here, anonymously, in the hopes that it resonates with somebody out there. Maybe it'll help me somewhat to write it out.

I'm a man, just turned 40. Married. 5 young kids.

My wife cheated on me 3 months before we got married. She didn't tell me until several months after we were married.

I was robbed of that information before committing to a marriage. I married someone I didn't know. I was duped into a life contract.

We were working in different countries up to that point, and I'd travel to visit her for a few weeks here and there. The plan was to marry in the summer, and then move to the country she was working in where I would also start working.

The last time I visited her prior to us getting married, I witnessed some flirtatious "chemistry" between her and a male co-worker which I felt uncomfortable with, but put it out of my mind because I was convinced "she's not the kind of person to do that".

Small town, country, Christian girl. Conservative. Wonderful, godly parents. Or so it seemed.

I returned to my country after that visit, we'd be discussing marriage plans the whole time, and within a week of me leaving, she was in bed with her co-worker.

I was literally out ring shopping and messaging her how much I loved her while she was doing this. There were a few brief moments of concern when she'd go silent for a few days, but I kept telling myself "she's not that kind of person" so brushed it off.

3 months apart, we both traveled to her parents home in America, and got married within weeks. I still didn't know about anything. We spent the summer with her parents and then traveled together, a newly married couple, to the country she was working in.

She went back to her job there as I applied for a job at her workplace. I was unsuccessful getting the job, which is a relief, as I would have been working with the guy.

We hung out socially with him and his friends while there. He would never make eye contact with me though. I found this incredibly strange at the time.

Then D-day.

One night we were doing a marriage course at home to "strengthen our new marriage", and the topic of "honesty" came up.

She said "While we're on the topic of honesty, I have to tell you something".

She trickle-truthed me.

"A guy kissed me after a few beers but I pushed him away."

Just the thought of that alone - an unwanted kiss - crushed me. How could she let that happen? I was a mess for days. Asking questions. Wondering if I'd made a mistake.

We even went to her pastor of the church and she told him the same story.

Eventually, I decided it might not be that bad. A guy tried to take advantage of her after drinks and she resisted. It was just a kiss.

But my suspicions grew.

She said it was a "guy who doesn't work here anymore".

My questions didn't stop. Things didn't add up. I kept prying.

Then the story evolved and she let more truth out. She went back to his house - drunk.

They started kissing on the couch - he tried to take her shirt off. She was so drunk that she ran to the bathroom and vomited. Then went home.

Now it was a consensual make-out session. She CHOSE to go back to his place.

My world was crumbling at this point. I was a distraught mess. We went back to her pastor and she told him she wasn't being honest. Told him the same thing.

I still believed it was a "guy who doesn't work here anymore" and only ended up being a make-out session. Didn't go any further because she was too drunk.

I felt some relief that it was the alcohol's fault, and he took advantage of her.

Another week went by - I kept analyzing the situation. Kept asking questions. Kept suspecting something wasn't right.

Then one night, we came back home after being out, she ran to the bathroom and lock herself in. Presumably psyching herself up to tell me.

She came out to the couch where I was sitting and said to me, "It was Troy". (the co-worker)

"What?"

"It was Troy."

"Did you take your clothes off?"

"Yes." (hysterical crying) "But I did not have sex with him!"

Then questions. Lots of questions about details.

The drunk make-out session was real. She did vomit and go home.

But the truth was she went back to his apartment a second time a week later. This time she was sober and with intentions of finishing what they started.

To this day, I don't know if I have all the details about what exactly they did (or even if there were more encounters).

She took her clothes off. Gave him oral sex. (which in many ways is harder for me to stomach)

She was adamant that actual sex never happened - swore by it - but the fact that she'd perform that act on this guy is something that gives me literal nightmares. I'm so embarrassed, shamed and dishonored by it, I can't share this with anyone.

I came so close to annulling the marriage. We'd only been married for a few months at that point, and I was married to a stranger now. The sweet, innocent Christian girl I married was dead, and our marriage felt filthy. Intimacy between us was dirty now - pornographic. No longer beautiful.

I've never had "loving sex" with her again after this revelation.

I had my bags packed a days after the full confession. Sat on the couch staring at them while she was at work. I could have gone anywhere at that moment and never seen her again. It was a fork-in-the-road moment for me, but for whatever reason, I chose the harder path of forgiveness and working through it.

For the 2 years that followed, including several attempts at marriage counseling, I was an utter shell of a human being. Felt like a combat veteran with severe PTSD. Woke up screaming at night. Lost all my friends over time (nobody knows about this but everyone saw a change in me).

The only two people who know are her parents (I made her confess to them). They just wanted to sweep it under the rug and not tell anyone - protect their daughter's reputation.

A year after D-day, her mother said to her, "Oh, is he still upset over that?" I've hated her ever since for being so insensitive.

So now, fast forward 9 years, we have a bunch of kids. We have, from the outside looking in, a perfect situation and family. We live in rolling green countryside, our kids are homeschooled, we are all together, every day. We don't talk about what she did.

But I'm just broken.

I drink to sleep properly.

I'm full of silent hatred and regret. I can't regret having our kids (my world), but I regret choosing a life of inner torment over peace. When she gets argumentative or emotional with me over other things, I have a flood of regret ("I gave you a 2nd chance that you didn't deserve. I could have left.")

I could have started again. Met a woman who loved me and was faithful from day one. I can't even look at our wedding photos or talk to people about "how we met". That whole period of my life and our marriage disgusts me. It's revolting.

My other biggest regret is that I never had the chance to confront this guy. I never spoke to him afterward. Never punched his lights out.

I forced my wife to resign from her job and we left the country in a hurry (one of my ultimatums was she resign and leave together, or I leave).

I fantasize about his death. About injuring him permanently. I want him to experience severe, life-altering suffering the way that I did. I've even explored flying back to that country to finally confront him for closure (he's still there, working in the same place after 9 years).

The reason why I couldn't physically touch him is that he's in a country with extremely strict laws. I would end up in prison for touching him and then he'd gain another victory over me by separating me from my kids as I sit in jail.

So I just have to wait - hope and pray that I cross paths with him in another part of the world. Otherwise, I may never get closure.

That's pretty much my story.

I don't know what to do at this point. I've tried marriage counseling and individual counseling. The problem is, most psychologists in this area are women and I've yet to find anyone trustworthy to talk to. I feel incredibly alone. There are no men's groups to confide in. I feel like I have PTSD. Someone mentions the word "cheating", and I'm spiraling into a depression for weeks.

Here I am sharing my story anonymously on a forum to strangers because that's my only outlet now.

How do I recover from this? Divorce is not an option. I need to get myself together and start being at peace again.

I know some people reading this might think it's not such a big deal to some of the other extreme affairs on this forum, but understand that it's damaged me severely. I've lost almost a decade of my life's happiness. I was never this way before. I just want to be my old self again.

85 comments posted: Thursday, July 4th, 2024