immense guilt/shame - need to let this out somewhere :(

my SO and i have been together for a little over a year and a half. things have been great until a few months ago, where he's been getting busier and busier with personal stuff. it's been turning into days where we can't call each other and hang out, and days where we can't even be physically intimate. during those days i've been feeling alone and neglected. i know he doesn't mean to make me feel that way, but it still deeply affects me. it feels like there's just been a void inside of me growing more and more by the day.

so, to fill that void i've resorted to joining "spicy" discord servers. i've gotten a few people to dm me to talk and get to know me, and it felt amazing being able to feel that spark and finally have those needs met that have been neglected for so long. out of all of the people i've dmed, i've grown really attached to two people. i tend to talk to them the most, and i've played games with them too. SO almost caught me once talking to this specific person...

i've realized how far i've gotten, and it's to the point where i really want to stop, but i feel like i can't. i feel that if i do stop now, i will feel all alone again. especially since i know SO may not be consistently available again anytime soon.

i want to stop this. i need to stop this. i wish i could be happy with being alone again. i have distractions and things i do throughout the day to keep busy, but i can only do those things for so long. i don't want to feel like i have to be dependent on people to fill a void that my SO can't fill (at the moment) anymore. i don't want to feel the need to hide certain things from my phone whenever my SO and i can actually meet in person anymore. i want to be able to have him look at my phone without constantly worrying he'll see something he shouldn't. i still love him so much. he's the only person i can actually see spending the rest of my life with. at the same time, even if i'm not talking these two people intimately, i still enjoy talking to them. i think i've made really great friends with them and we can have great conversations about anything. it's to the point where i really can't fathom not talking to them either, because they make me feel less alone. i hate how i have to hide from one out of the two that i have an SO (the other person knows and is fully understanding of my situation). i just want to snap out of this and feel like an actual monogamous person once again.

i'm sorry, i feel like this isn't really the right website to post something like this in, but i think this is the only place i can rant here to about this without getting shunned too horribly. i know that what i'm doing is wrong. i feel constant guilt and i want to stop it. i want to leave the dark side that is being an unloyal partner. this is too much.

what can i do? :(

11 comments posted: Thursday, June 27th, 2024