I never imagined it would hurt this bad...

Hi, I am completely new to this, my DD was June 19th 2024
After a 30 year marriage I discovered my wife had been having a 4 year affair with her boss. I confronted her immediately an she confessed to everything that night. This was a fully engaged affair with meetups in cars, our house, his house, hotels, daily messages, sexting, etc. Basically, a full secret life. To complicate it, we all worked together, had dinner together, were friends, and I completely trusted her around him.
We have both left that job, moved to a new city, and are starting a new life. I believe she engineered this move to get herself away and was planning to end it and never tell, but I found out the night we moved into our new house. I am actually okay with the move and her reasons for doing it.

Since the DD My wife has ended the affair. After the initial shock, I made the decision to try and get through this together. Despite all the pain and anger towards her, I couldn't imagine letting the world know what had happened. I also can't imagine being without her, or navigating kids, family, etc. Before the affair, I would describe our marriage as good to very good, but I knew that something has been "off" with her for a few years. She had been avoiding sex and engaging in excessive spending on personal items, clothing, gym memberships, etc. I also assumed that she had an eating disorder, exercise addiction, and a VERY unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I thought we would be able to work on these things after the move. I never thought she was even capable of this. In fact, to an outsider, it would look like I would be the one seeking an affair. Also, I should add that she had an affair previously over 20 years ago.

Our current situation is that we have been spending hours everyday talking about the affair, our childhood, our marriage, and everything under the sun. I would describe our current relationship as the most honest and intimate relationship I have ever experienced. It's confusing because I currently have everything I would ever want in a relationship. But at the same time I am experiencing intense mood Swings/depression, flashbacks, night sweats, nightmares, and a severe lack of sleep. I feel intense shame. I am afraid that this could derail any hope for lasting happiness together. To be completely fair, she is doing everything she is supposed to be doing now, but she can't erase the past or takeaway the pain. Is there anyone out there that can reassure me that we have a fighting chance to be happy again? Does the pain and loneliness ever go away?

21 comments posted: Saturday, August 3rd, 2024

I never imagined it would hurt this bad... (moved to General)

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0 comment posted: Saturday, August 3rd, 2024