I'll Go First!
I thought it might be fun to share some things that our couples/marriage therapist gave as advice or did during counseling that just showed they had no clue about how to deal with affair recovery. Also feel free to share things your Wayward partner said that they got from their IC. If this has already been done, verry sorry for the copycat. Share if you like! I'll go first!
1 - Checking phones and having passwords doesn't create trust. It actually breaks it down more. (I found out my WW was still talking to her AP and took the relationship to a physical level after 4 months of not checking!)
2 - You trust her, right? you hear her say her continuing to work with her AP has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with her carrier, right? You hear her say that? Right?
3 - I think she's in love with the idea of him, not actually him (no regard to limerence, or the other addictions or self control issues I had shared)
Bonus ones - my WW liked to use the following that I'm pretty sure she got from her IC. "At one point trust just needs to be given, not earned" That was 2 weeks before I found out she was still in the affair.
WW also used to like to share that "affairs are a symptom of a sick marriage, not the cause" as her get out of jail free card. I now think it was her way of trying to make me leave the marriage so she didn't have too do it.
I wish I could share what sort of relationship and husband I was. It's taken me months to realize how much I was taken advantage of and for granted.
Also wanna flag I do not blame our couples therapy counselor. They had no control over my wife and were working with what they could from both of us. I just thought sharing some of the head shaking comments might be therapeutic for folks! At least mine are good for a laugh. If this breaks any rules, I'll happily remove.
28 comments posted: Wednesday, August 21st, 2024
Mil request of 7y/o daughter. Need moral check on myself.
Hi folks. Looking for advice and seeing if I'm too much here.
Ive left my wife. Multiple A's. She lied for 4 months during couples therapy duing this most recent and was still seeing the ap after d day. I still live in the same house as my ww. We're waiting for mediation to settle the marital home. We have 2 small girls. 4 and 7. I'm as cordial as I can be around my ww when the kids are around, but do not interact, talk or even look at my ww when they're not. I've cut her out of my life. Same with my MiL who, from what I've been told, knows what's happened. I do not support or talk with any of my ww's friends that support her infidelity. I can bairly look at my MiL knowing she's there for her daughter, and that my ww is still in a relationship with the op that's married with a teen.
I have 2 lil girls. 4 and 7. My MiL asked my 7y/o daughter to keep a secret. On a car ride back to our house she told my daughter that I look right through her (mil) like she's not there and that im ruining the relationship between them and their granddaughters. And that if any man does that to you, close the door on them and walk away.
Cool, I get she's upset with me. I understand she thinks I could do better for my kids. But who asks a 7y/o to keep a secret. My daughter was beside herself. She's now upset more and thinks she has 2 secrets to hold. I've insured my daughter there's nothing she can't tell me or her mom, and that if she doesn't want me to share that she told me with her grandma, then I won't. I shared I'm not upset by any of this. I've shared that shes not in trouble. I've shared she can tell her mom if she wants. I told her I want to be a safe space for her for any issue.
Am I wrong here? My 7y/o is holding a secret that her grandma told her not to share and is now terified she will find out. I won't tell cause I need to be a trusted safe space for my daughter.
I know the MiL is likely projecting. I did everything for my ww from pay for uni to her laundry for 21 years. For my MiL, any call or txt I'd jump to fix a computer to winter tires. I was the only one that connected the girls to their grandma for the majority of the time. I was the family party/gift planner. I did it all. MiL as well is a affair survivor who was physically abused as well. She's had a hard life. She's avoidant as her daughter.
Any thoughts on if I'm in the wrong here in any way would be lovely. I know I could do better. I just don't wish to associate with ppl that cam support unfaithful ppl. As her mom, I expect support but help. Holding some space for the fact her daughters still a homewrecker. I know if one of my daughters shared they had an affair I wouldn't shun them, but I'd try to help them and set a boundary that their affair stop or i can't be a part of supporting that. I think I'm expecting too much from the avoidant MiL.
Sorry if this is a rant. Honestly looking for ppl to tell me to set up for my kids and do better, but I think I'm OK in my approach to anyone that supports the affair that broke me and my kids family appart. No matter what my ww reasons for the affair are. They're no 100% my fault. I take responsibility for my portion of the marrage issues, but not the affair.
12 comments posted: Sunday, August 18th, 2024
Im looking for support. Just confirmed theyre still talking.
Hi. I dont know what or how to do this, so if i break any rules, please do let me know or take this down or whatever.
I found out in Oct 2023 that my wife was in a romantic affair with a co-worker. All the things that you can expect happened and more. Long story that I'll likely post some day to get out, but we tried Couples Therapy in Jan 2024. I found out April 29, 2024 that they were still talking, that she lied to me and our CT, and they moved the relationship from romantic to more sexual. Killed me. I called it right there.
Fast forward to today. We're still living in the same house cause she's drawn out mediation till now. We start in September. Im done with her. We have 2 small kids. 4 and 7. I am as cordial as I can be when around her. We do dinners with the kids during the week. I have my own bed room. She stays in her office on the pull out.
Today she came home from a business trip and i found her walking towards our house on our street coming the opposite direction with her luggage. Like she was dropped off by him a block away. Then, later tonight, my youngest shoved her phone in my face to show me the lock screen pic of my 4 and 7 y/o and there were 2 notification icons from him. confirms they're still together.
I don't want anything to do with this person anymore. Haven't since April and its clear to them. But this really hurts. I know im grieving. I've been in so much personal therapy its nutz. My therapist says i understand it all and can see the waves, etc. But it still hurts. as much as i understand it, things like this still rock me.
Im not surprised shes still with him. Not in the slightest. She doesn't have any self control. from her drinking to her spending, I understand how hurt she likely is to be able to ruin our family and his. When i told her i was done, he wsa still married with a teenager. But this sort of stuff kills me.
Her mom is supporting her like nothings wrong. so is her best friends. I know that I dont know the story they were told. I know that she has the capacity to lie to them too. and that they likely dont know that shes still seeing him. But they support her. Her mom comes around like nothings wrong. Im bothered by this as we were together for 21 years and her mom was like a mom to me.
I know im better off with out her in my life. i know her actions have no reflection on who i am a s a person. I know the things, BUT IT STILL HURTS. 21 years was a long time.
She also did something like this in 2005. All the signs were there that shes a hurt person who can hurt ppl. I should be happy im done with her. But my kids have her as a roll model, and she thinks shes not doing anything wrong. how can she still be with him? how can she live with herself? i know its likely the band aid shes using for feeling so shitty, but I'd never be able to live with myself. It feels like i never knew her.
Now, I feel like i just puked words onto this page. That im rambling. But this sucks. i know folks have it harder then me, but it feels like the hits keep coming. And i am really getting to the end of my nice guy rope.
I have targets ahead. Sept mediation. and Aug 2025 our mortgage is due so this house is gonna be owned by her or someone else. So just a year left. I can see the targets. just gotta get there to start healing more.
I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe karma can also plays a huge role. So maybe im supposed to be here to witness the downfall of when his wife finds out so I can protect/help my kids. Maybe im here to build up stronger. Maybe i bare witness to these things to help for closure. IDK, but its hard.
If ANYONE has any thoughts, words, help, im all ears. I have a great core group of friends that has really helped sink in how awful she is. they help me see that this is all her shittyness and this whole thins is for the best for me. They really tell it like it is. My therapist is great and reminds me to feel all the feelings. I dont run from any of this. Only way out is through.
BUT MAN! WHY? if i had energy I'd share the whole store about the multiple times i found out she was still talking to him. Share about how i helped her with her work after d day so she didnt loose her contract. I'd share about the last 4 years where i practically raised our kids solo so she could focus on school and her new business. Share how she never contributed to the household in any way. Share about how she took 2 solo trips to Europe last year. The person is not nice. Shes selfish and she is really an awful friend and partner. If anyone's got words that could help, im all ears!
I want to apologies if how I've shared isn't appropriate or the spelling is bad. I think im just in a bit of a weird not crisis, but crisis part of my day due to what's gone on, and i've decided to write here rather then in my journal in hopes that it helps more. I've been looking for a group to turn to for support cause my friends just dont get it. theyre great, but im hoping to find some support from ppl who understand and have been through this.
15 comments posted: Wednesday, August 14th, 2024
