Well. He cheated back.

So, I’m a WP.. but I guess I’m a BP now too.

4.5 months ago, in April; I had an emotional affair for about a week while I was manic and undiagnosed bipolar. I confessed to him and have been going to therapy, staying on medication, etc.

Reading affair websites, forums, books, etc. Putting my whole heart and soul into reconciliation.

Long story short, my partner and I have been working on reconciliation. We live in separate households as it was what my partner wanted.

A month into R, I discovered my partner had Tinder on his phone. I asked him about it and he said that he was using it to find someone to buy marijuana from. I formerly did this before my betrayal with an OK with BP. I believed him and I watched him delete the app.

I didn’t trust him all the way because a few years ago he was deep into a porn addiction and regularly lied to me.

After discovering Tinder, I asked him, "Are you talking to anybody?"

He was protective over his phone. He wouldn’t even let me touch it.

He told me no, and I asked every other week if he was. He was adamant on saying no. He even cussed me out and was being super defensive about that question.

I believed him but I felt something within me was wrong. This went on for several months. He has lied to me every single day for the past 3.5 months.. gaslit me, and manipulated me. For this long.

Today, after meeting up with him; I go on his phone and open Snapchat. I ask him who his best friends are. I see a girl who I’ve never seen him talk about. I ask who she is. He says it’s some random girl he met but doesn’t talk to. He opens the chat and scrolls up, and I see heart emotes. He quickly exits the chat.

I grab his phone , and open the chat again. I

I discover everything. He has been complimenting her and letting her open up about her feelings. BP has regularly shut me down when I talk about my feelings, even before my betrayal. He was complimenting this girl and I had to beg him to compliment me. He grabs the phone from me again. I tell him to block her NOW. He hesitates.

I feel my heart rip out of my chest.

I grabbed the phone again and blocked her.

I stared at him, mouth open, for a really long time. Rage building up inside my body. I begin to cry. The girl wasn’t even attractive. I am absolutely devastated. Ask him where he met her.. Tinder.

I ask him, have they ever met. He says no. I ask him why.

Reading the chats made me feel so nauseous. I begin to have a panic attack. I drop on the floor absolutely hysterical. He sits down next to me and rubs my arm, and says "I am.. sorry." I send several selfies to the girl of me crying. Telling her that he and I have been together for 3.5years, and that it is not her fault, to never message him again.

He tells me that after my betrayal he didn’t know what to do. That he didn’t know what to do or if it would work out between us. I ask him if I never found out, would you continue to lie?
He says, probably. I scoff. I cannot believe him right now.

I asked him, "So.. instead of talking to me, you went to someone else?" I tell him; "WTF KINDA LOGIC IS THAT?! That is exactly the logic that got us into this mess!”

I tell him that he’s been lying, gaslighting me, and manipulating me for the past 3.5 months. He tells me; "I guess.. you probably feel what I felt. I lied, to protect your feelings." Lying, just hurts.

He and I talk for a good 3 hours. I ask him why he would lie to me. That telling the lies is what hurts the most. He tells me he is hurt from my betrayal. I tell him that this is so much worse because he’s lied for so long. I trusted him 90% after his addiction. And it took 2 years to get there. Now I don’t trust him at all.

I tell him, "I forgive you." He winces.

"But that doesn’t make it okay. If this happens again, I’m sorry; but I just can’t do this anymore. I’ll have to walk away. This just isn’t okay.”

He apologizes again. He tells me he feels bad, guilty, and ashamed. I told him not to beat himself up over this. That, he isn’t a bad person. That he just messed up because he’s hurting so badly.

I asked him why he winced at me saying I grant him forgiveness… he says it’s because I forgave so easily and he still hasn’t forgiven me.

Life doesn’t feel real right now. I’m angry, hurt, disappointed. I can’t sleep.

5 comments posted: Sunday, August 25th, 2024

Well. He cheated back. (moved to General)

  This Topic has been moved to General

0 comment posted: Sunday, August 25th, 2024

I don't know what to do.

Hey guys. This is my first post here on the forums. Unfortunately, I am the wayward. BP and I have been together for 3 years and lived together for most of our relationship. We are currently split up but trying to work towards reconciliation. After DDay I was put into a psychiatric ward and shortly after diagnosed with bipolar disorder after an attempt on my life after BP left. I have since been in therapy and regularly keeping up with my medication for my bipolar. It doesn't excuse it or help it, but during my affair I was manic, undiagnosed, and unmedicated and our relationship was not the best at the time. My BP has always been extremely emotionally unavailable. I have tried to help him during my infidelity but during our "talks" about the relationship before the A he would shut down on me and it would trigger me heavily & I would end up raising my voice at him. He told me he never wanted to open up after a while because he was worried I was going to yell at him.

I have struggled very heavily with mental illness for the entirety of my teenage and adult life. I have a LOT of unhealed trauma and hurt in my heart. During the time of my EA I was in the depths of my first manic episode. It does not excuse my bad behavior. But it is a reason.

BP and I have both hurt each other. But my betrayal is so much worse...

We have a strict no-porn boundary set by me. He promised me he didn't watch it and I ended up catching him several different times and hiding it from me. I was broken. I had a lot of pent up resentment because BP never really apologized or helped me heal from his betrayal. But, we worked through it. And I forgave him. Or so I thought.. And here we are.

I had an affair with a man from a different country. We are 4 1/2 months post DDay.

AP and I exchanged nudes/sexted, and I leaned onto him emotionally. I basically replaced my BP with this man. We talked for about a week.

I ignored my BP for a month before the EA started. I was fed up with him shutting down on me and basically felt like talking about our issues was leading us to nowhere. Before DDay, the past 4-5 months I had been struggling heavily with suicidal thoughts and was very angry and had emotional outbursts, all the time. This stems a LOT from my bipolar disorder which we are working on managing now.

My father had just told me 1 month prior to EA that my mother has been struggling with confabulation and is at high risk for developing dementia as she grows older. She suffered a stroke when I was younger and started making up some insane stories. I went to go talk to BP about it but he just told me it would be fine. I got upset at BP and blew up on him. I was hurting so badly. That is when I begin to withdraw from BP.

Today, BP and I had a long talk. I have unfortunately been a BP at one point from my old relationship. I have tried every way to relate to my BP- but the degree of my betrayal is horrid.

BP mentioned to me today that during the affair- I was so mean to him. I said so many demeaning things, I treated him like garbage. He told me that I basically called him "worthless". I was taken aback. I know I treated him ill during that time. But I don't even remember the things I said or did to him during that time. BP said, I referred to him as my 'ex' to my AP while BP and I were still together. BP told me I basically belittled him to AP by doing that. I did not tell AP that I was in a relationship.

BP asked me if I ever thought about the things I said to AP. I try to block this out in my mind because the shame and disgust I feel when I read back at the messages haunt me.

I told him, "Yes. I do.. and I feel so disgusted."

He just opened up to me 4 months after DDay, that when he discovered what happened that it really fucked with him in the head. He told me that he felt suicidal and numb. That it messed with him so badly and I hurt him so badly. If he stayed living with me at that time, it would've gotten so much worse. He tells me it hurts so much to think about. I told him that I know it is hard to think about... but then he dropped on me that I basically fucked up his life.

I was quiet. I truly didn't know what to say.

I just kept telling him "I am sorry. I know the pain I caused you is unbearable. I want to help heal you- but I don't know what else to do." He went to go hug me and I just couldn't hug him back. I was practically sobbing & curling myself up into a ball repeating "I'm sorry. It is not your fault. Please don't think it's your fault.. It's not your fault.. I'm sorry."

The pain I felt hearing his words made me so disgusted in myself. Like I wasn't worth his love. I know this is not good, but I can't help but want to just die knowing the pain I've caused him. It is NOT good to wallow in self-pity or shame.

I ask him what I can do to help him heal. He tells me that he isn't sure. That he can't heal with me because I was the person who caused him such pain. I told him that it is possible to heal together- but we both are going to want it.

He is still unsure of R. He tells me that he "hopefully" wants us to work in the future. He told me it isn't guaranteed that I won't cheat again. I told him, "That is not up for your decision, I know what I need to do. What you need to do is work on beginning to trust yourself again, I have to dig down and find out why I was so broken to hurt the person I love more than anything. And that's why I have been doing the things I have been- therapy, books, articles, forums, podcasts.. anything on infidelity. I am doing so much digging right now. That way so I can know why it happened and ways to prevent it from happening again. But I promise I will not hurt you like that ever again. I will do everything I can to prevent that & be a safe partner for you."

I know a LOT of it has to deal with needing external validation & low self-esteem & a lot of resentment built up in the relationship.

I don't know what to do. What can I do to help BP heal?! He says what I said to AP is what scars him the most. I'm so stuck.

3 comments posted: Saturday, August 17th, 2024