Emotional betrayal

My husband has developed a very close friendship with a woman 10 years his junior in the office which he works. The friendship is not a problem, however I feel it has crossed boundaries as it was in secret from me. My husband said he didn’t tell me because he knew I’d be jealous as they get on really well. I got an uneasy feeling about her and he became a bit distant and I asked him to show me his phone. He said no at first but eventually showed me and although the messages were platonic there were so many of them, pretty much daily, evenings, during work hours whilst they were sitting next to each other (bitching about others in the office). He also told me they shared secrets with each other- really personal stuff that I didn’t even know about him, and he said he’s talked to her about our past marital problems and she did the same with her ex. My husband thought it was OK because this girl is a lesbian.

I asked him to stop texting and he told her I’d seen the messages and got upset and she said she would stop texting him too, however I continued to have an u easy feeling and it turned out that they continued to message but instead of text it was on the works computer. He told her he’d been thinking of her while she was off with an ear infection but didn’t text due to the circumstances and he hoped she understood. She replied of course but he’s still her favourite at work. He had been asking her if she was going to the pub (they go as a work group) and she had been asking him if he was going several times. He was telling me at that point that he had backed off and ‘barely spoke to her’. He was sending memes of inside jokes etc. stuff he didn’t need to do but he thought I’d never see.

In the end I messaged her and told her how all this had made me feel. I also told her that I had asked him not to message her anymore unless work related so I hoped he was respecting that. I didn’t tell her I’d seen their computer messages. I got a reply and it said they were just friends and there was nothing to worry about. I haven’t told him I contacted her.

Since then initially I felt better because I knew that she knew my feelings and hoped that if she was this amazing person with zero flaws as my husband portrayed her to be before I found out about their friendship she would hopefully back off.

I should also mention that 3 years ago I read his phone after he was similarly distant and moody and he was flirting with another younger girl at work. This was blatant flirting but she left and then I kind of forgot about it and moved on. Since this it’s brought back lots of questions and feelings around that time too.

Even though I feel better since messaging the girl, I still feel really disconnected to him and less attracted to him. Before this I felt so secure and in love and quietly confident we were a strong couple, and although he’s not officially cheated it feels like he has by his lies.

I also feel so insecure about myself as he still works with this girl who has had no kids, is into the same things as him etc. I feel like if she wasn’t a lesbian she’d be perfect for him… and it makes me feel inadequate.

Every time he goes to work I’m wondering if he’s laughing and chatting with her or if he’s comparing her to me.

Since all of this he has pretty much begged for me to forgive him and promised he isn’t chatting inappropriately anymore but even though I do believe that I still can’t feel ok about it. He refuses to look for a new job.

He’s also not made me feel very special or wanted. He’s not really made any effort to spend time with me or show me I’m important to him. He used to say I was beautiful etc regularly but he doesn’t anymore and we barely touch each other. When I’m talking he seems bored. We barely have sex. I just feel so insecure and shit and it makes me feel we’re only together now for the kids.

Sorry for the long message (first post here) it’s nice to offload my thoughts.

15 comments posted: Saturday, August 24th, 2024