Holding his pain...

Hello everyone,

Me (WW) and my husband (BH) have been about 1,5 years post DDay and things are still pretty rough (those who would like to see my story, I have made a relevant post in this forum section).

We have both tried IC but it almost drove us further apart, so we stopped. We have been since trying to manage our own healing using available resources (books, podcasts, videos, etc.) and are currently on MC (although it has not been helpful at all so far despite us trying a few different therapists up until now).

We are currently under EFT (emotionally focused therapy, NOT tapping) and during our last session our therapist had my BH tell me the things about the betrayal that hurt him and how I have made him feel and then she asked me to apologize to him and tell him how I feel for having hurt him this way.

During the past 1,5 year, both my BH and I have had endless talks on a daily basis about, among others, all the hurt, the feelings involved, so what she had asked us to do on that day were all things that have already been said and feelings that have already been felt on countless occasions.

After I finished telling my BH what our therapist had asked me to, she told me "thank you for holding his pain". That seemed pretty odd to me, since me sharing how I felt about the feelings he shared with me and the pain I've made him go through, felt extremely selfish and as if I was making it about me.

To me and my BH, expressing remorse and apologizing, even if it is really heartfelt and profound, doesn't feel merely enough to hold his pain, which is something I struggle with, as there are many times (far more than I would like to admit) when I don't know how to be there for him when he is in immense pain. That is something I told our therapist, asking her guidance for ways/tools to be able to truly hold the pain I have caused him (which, unfortunately we didnt have time to address in that session).

Now, it has really gotten me thinking and I would really appreciate your thoughts and insights about what "holding our BSs pain" means and how you managed to do it. I would also really appreciate any BSs replies to this post, sharing what the same thing means from their perspective and what they needed their WS to do to help them feel supported, not alone and that the pain was shared.

11 comments posted: Tuesday, November 26th, 2024

In desperate need of a good MC

Hello everyone,

I would like to ask if you have any recommendations on a good,
competent couples' therapist who has helped you and your partner navigate the trauma of betrayal.

We have tried many therapists (our current one practices EFT) but noone seems to grasp the seriousness of the situation and insist on focusing on the more generalized aspects of the relationship (communication, etc) instead of addressing the actual hurt, the triggers, and all of the important things that would help us heal and hopefully come out the other side stronger than ever.

We live in Switzerland and we do our sessions online. How/where did you find your MC? Was it from a certain website, did someone refer them to you?

At this point, both me and my BS are very disappointed and almost on the verge of giving up as changing many therapists is very emotionally draining, as well as expensive, so any tips on how we could find a good MC that addresses traumas, or even any suggestion of a good therapist that maybe has helped you, would be greatly appreciated!

5 comments posted: Friday, November 22nd, 2024

How can I help him heal from the pain I caused him?

This is my first post and my story is a complicated one, but I need advice from people who have been through similar situations

I have been with my partner for 20 years (10 married and 2 kids). A little after our 1st year together, I went out with a guy I felt in love with before I had met my boyfriend, thinking that I was going out with a friend (I used to chat with that guy as he was studying abroad, but I cut ties with him when I met my boyfriend). During the catching up phase of our outing, I told him I had a boyfriend to which he responded in a way that made me feel uncomfortable (he said he wished he had been my first), but I just scoffed it off and continued the conversation because I didn't know how to react (I was 21 years old, very shy, major people pleaser and quite stupid). When it was time to say goodbye, he grabbed and kissed me. Unfortunately, I did reciprocate for a few seconds, but then pulled back reminding both him and myself that I had a boyfriend. He apologized, we parted ways and ghosted each other.

I told my boyfriend what had happened, he was not pleased but appreciated the honesty, so we stayed together. Naturally, that caused some turmoil in our relationship as well as trust issues, but I was too immature and self-centered to see it for what it was and make the appropriate things to fix it. About a year later, that same guy reappeared in my life when he called me under some stupid pretense. Instead of cutting him off or blocking him, I started talking with him on the phone and texting, letting him back in my life, in our lives, although I didn't tell my boyfriend that, thinking that "it's just friendly talks/chats, I don't intend to do anything with the guy, I love my boyfriend", and that to my book was ok. 18 years later and after therapy and a lot of self introspect, I've come to realize I was basically after the validation I was getting from the guy.

During the same time, I started writing in an online forum answering mainly under "fun" relationship posts, only the protagonist in my answers was the other guy, not my boyfriend. A few months later, that same guy asked me to go out with him for a drink and after my failed attempts to say no, that night ended in me being sexually assaulted by him, which I didn't process as such at the time since when he came at me I froze, so I didn't say no and I didn't fight. That made me believe that since I got myself into that situation and I didn't resist, deep inside I must have wanted it, which made me spiral into depression because of all the shame and guilt as I didn't have the guts to tell my boyfriend out of fear of losing him.

Eventually, I broke up with my boyfriend. During that time, he found the forum I was writing to and my posts and he confronted me about it. After our break up I started going out with every person I could think of as long as I wasn't left alone with my thoughts (extreme opposite of my character) but he worst thing of all is I went out with that guy, as well, for about 8 more times. Me and my boyfriend got back together after about 3 months and we have been together ever since. Although I hadn't told him the truth, his gut instinct told him there was something wrong and after many long talks, I gave him only half the truth as I didn't tell him I had cheated on him. He kept asking and I kept denying, avoiding myself, the truth and taking accountability, so much so that after about 3 years, I had accepted my half truth as my own reality and managed to completely suppress anything that differed from what I had told him. In the meantime, we moved in together and eventually started a family and got married.

After a traumatic event about a year ago, which was my fault (unrelated to infidelity) while I was severely depressed (albeit undiagnosed), the open wound from my past cheating resurfaced and my husband insisted we addressed it once and for all and that's when we realized I had forgotten many things (first and foremost the sexual assault, but also things I had told him had happened or even things that had happened between us) from that time period. Remembering was a very tedious procedure and to this day, there are some details still missing although we have almost completed the "puzzle" of what had happened back then and the relevant timeline.

I have accepted full responsibility for my devastating choices and I know I acted utterly selfish thinking only about myself and not him, causing him extreme distress and traumatizing him. I have been working very hard on myself and to figure out why any of this happened as well as give him the answers that are very long overdue. I have read in other posts here that by working on yourselves you managed to be able to help your partners heal as well from your infidelity and I so desperately want to do the same. I want to finally give him what I should have given him 18 years ago. The truth about what happened and then help him heal from it in any way I can, whether he chooses to remain in this relationship or not. How did you do it? How did you manage to help your partners heal from the devastating heartbreak you caused them? How did you manage to regain their trust and build your marriage anew, from scratch? Any insight/advice would be very much appreciated.

14 comments posted: Saturday, September 7th, 2024