me/WH-57
married 33 years
Dday 3/13/24
Together but struggling

Putting Her First Always

This has been an issue for me. There are times that I just do something that doesn’t put her first. Some background: I had a PA with a since-gone employee and an EA with an employee whose days are numbered.

Some recent examples: when my wife asked me if I was planning on doing Secret Santa this year for my office staff (which is 9 women and 2 men), I said I’d like to because we always have done that. She replied "that’s great…like I want you buying or receiving a gift for/from some other woman". I didn’t present her with options that I would rig it so I would buy/receive for a male or tell her that I wouldn’t participate at all. The damage was done.

Another example: my office always prepares a group birthday card when there is an office birthday. We all put in $5 and the cash goes in the card. I had just finished a couples’ counseling session and walked back into my office with my wife. I was handed the birthday card as I was last to sign. I went to my desk and proceeded to write the card…to a female employee…with my wife standing right in front of me…right after mending some in our counseling. I didn’t let her read it, tell her what I wrote (I told her later I wrote "Happy birthday, thanks for all you do), or let my wife sign the card (she knows all my staff). Lately, she has been more involved in the office and is there more often. I just never thought to let her sign the card or let her read it.

It’s like I was falling back on my habits of doing Secret Santa and signing the cards and not putting my wife first…all which have been habits for years.

What can I do to change my thinking other than just tell myself to change. It doesn’t work for me consistently yet. I need to filter everything through my wife but I haven’t and do some things without even thinking about it. Any tips? Techniques? I need to be more intentional and I’m running out of time!

1 comment posted: Thursday, November 28th, 2024

Been hanging around…now I need to get to my Why!

I’ve been delaying writing my story. I’m usually good with words as my job requires it. With this, though, i feel it will be very hard to get it down. Bottom line, I’ve been horrible to my BS for soooo long that I don’t see why she should be with me…other than the one thing she tells me…she loves me still. D-Day was 3/13/24. Since that time, I’ve made minimal progress whereas she has done so much to help herself and me. Sure, we’ve had some good times during these months but I wind up creating a crisis that destroys all progress I/we made and she is left, in pain, hurt again by me. What I have done is show her, in many different ways, that I am not committed to her. I say I am but my actions have shown her the opposite. We are currently in a period of living separately (counselor-suggested) so we can heal ourselves. Even in this circumstance, where we are so close to D, I’ve lied to her about something just last week and have failed to put her first always (PHFA)…I’ve done so rarely. That comes on the heels of me hiding an EA from her even after she begged me to come clean. I didn’t.

Let me give some back story for some context of how horrible I’ve been. I’ve done the trifecta (PAs, porn, and EAs). We’ve been married for 33 years. Four years into our marriage, with one child here and the 2nd imminently coming, I got flirty with a staff member where i worked. At first it was banter that I liked. I eventually shared with this woman that I thought she was attractive. She liked that and I saw an opening and pushed. We became physical and she was my first PA. It lasted about 7-8 months. We were outed by a co-worker but the boss squelched it. The woman moved on. Even gone from the workplace, we hooked up a few more times before it ended.

Within 5-6 months, I met someone else. Not in the workplace but someone I came across through work. It got physical and she became PA #2. That lasted for 5-6 month until she moved on with the man who she eventually married.

After PA #2, I discovered porn as a masturbation aid. Even though I knew she wouldn’t approve, I did it anyway and lied to her about that. I was more tech-savvy and she trusted me. She’d ask me (and warn me) to my face if I was doing porn and I’d say no…repeatedly. Even after getting caught with porn when I left it open on my iPad, and getting thrown out of the house for a week, i stopped for only 3-4 months but went back to it. I used porn secretly until D-Day. It’s been 20 years of use. I came clean about that when confronted. It has lost its appeal though I still get occasional urges (as has masturbation).

Sorry this is so long but I’m not done. In 2018, I began an EA with another worker in my office. That became a PA when we had 2-3 sexual encounters. She was a "work friend" that i did not hide at the office. I hid her from my BS but co-workers could tell i favored this woman. She ended things and left the office in 2022. I lied to my wife (by not telling her any of this) even when confronted.

When the PA ended with my co-worker, I had a one-time PA with someone I met at a store I’d frequent in 2019. We flirted and bonded over sports. I commented how attractive she was, she’d reciprocate and I’d push on that attention until we had sex after closing once. We’d text a lot (including pics she’d send me of her; I’d reciprocate sometimes too). So, it became an EA too. While that was the last PA i had, there were 4 more EAs. I’ve left destruction in my path to a lot of people.

I was discovered when I left texts on my phone. I’d been communicating with someone before and over Covid for 5 years. My BS had no clue as I had everyone fooled. As DaddyDom said in his "Why" thread posted above, I would seek attention from women to make me feel good. I’d strive to be their hero and help them so they would give me positive attention and "affection". All this was at the expense of my loyal, supporting BS.

I disclosed much of this to her so incorrectly with no counselor on hand. She would ask and, finally, i caved and told her much more than she ever thought existed. She is devastated and unable to get past the fact that my acting out began when, theoretically, there was no reason. We had it all. We were happy…clearly I wasn’t or I wouldn’t have done what I did. I recognize I’m an SA after so many years of infidelity, porn use, and EAs. I’m in group for that. I just started with a different IC and we are in marriage counseling too.

Bottom line, my R has been horribly destructive as i have lied to her and have had a difficult time putting her first (even horribly so yesterday). We are living apart and she sees no commitment. I’ve made some strides in my behaviors but have floored her too often with crisis after crisis. I really want to find out the WHYs but I don’t know how. I read DaddyDom’s post and every reply and need to go back to #1 and read DaddyDom’s instructions again. I don’t have a wonderful memory of my childhood (maybe because nothing really stood out) as I too feel that i am the cause of this and the my childhood was great and had nothing to do with it.

I read the post where DaddyDom said to just post here on this board…so, here I am. I need to put her first always and have failed to do so. It’s like I’m so out of practice doing that that my brain goes back to what i normally do without thought. Yesterday, i hurt her again. I failed to put her first even when she was right in front of me. She wanted to see what I’d do and I did nothing right. hope I can figure out my Why b/c she really needs to know why this happened…why i thought it was ok to do this at all…so do I.

I think i rambled but i am anxious to start working on my Whys. I need all the help i can get. I’ve done a lot of reading here, on the web, books, yet I still don’t PHFA consistently.

3 comments posted: Saturday, November 23rd, 2024