Crash and Burn

I am WP.I have been severely unfaithful to my BP of 8 years. It has been 3 and half weeks since I tried to confess my infidelities, but because of being a compulsive liar, being a coward and being selfish, I couldn't tell the complete truth until 5 days ago. But even then I still tried to justify things, sugarcoat my mistakes and downplay the severity of it all. Being so pathetic. Given so many chances by my BP to come clean. And I let it go to waste. I regret everything so much and desperately wish I could redo everything. Wish I did not hurt my BP like that and been a whole person from the start. I have cheated on my BP 8 times since the start of our relationship. I wanted to come clean, although I tried, I couldn't spill all my indescretions until 2 weeks after telling them about my recent affair and they found out about two of them after I confessed about the recent one (I gave him access to my social media, as an effort to try and be transparent) and prior to confessing about it all. I have hurt and killed the one person that really and truly cared about me for once in my miserable life. I have only fuelled those thoughts that I am unworthy, that all I do is destroy and that I am the worst kind of human that exists. That a human such as myself doesn't deserve to exist. I've been trying to live with myself, but nothing seems to be working. I've been doing therapy, taking medication and writing in my journal, but each day feels like death. I know I deserve to feel this way, but I feel that for everyone's sake, my BP, my family and my friends that they would all be better off without my burdening existence. I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy. I don't deserve any. I know that. And I know people say you can fix yourself and you can get better, that ending it is not a solution and only the easy way out. But all I've ever brought people is destruction and pain. No matter how much I try to be a good person. I have only done harm. And with my fucked up background there's very little chance of fixing things. That I've tried to rely on hope and it has never worked. That no matter how much I think about it, I don't think I could ever trust myself and that I shouldn't becasue I don't want to cause harm to anyone else. So thank you for hearing my words. I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger and disappointed I couldn't prove people wrong. I'm sorry I let my family down, I sorry I hurt my BP. I'm sorry I could never forgive myself. Because how could someone that has done such things to somebody so pure be worthy of living.

5 comments posted: Tuesday, October 15th, 2024