Another "mistake" by WH

This is my first time posting on SI, although I've read many posts over the years. It isn't easy for me to share complicated feelings or reach out for support, but I honestly don't know how to process the most recent action of my WH. I thought other BSs would have more insight, so I finally joined SI.

A bit of background: My WH and I have been married for 30+ years. Throughout our marriage, he has engaged in numerous EAs and always walked on the edge of inappropriate relationships with female co-workers. When confronted, he always had a believable reason for the extra time and attention, text messages, phone calls, etc. He loves to "help people," all of whom seem to be women. In particular, he likes to help women advance in their careers, as he's very successful and has vast business connections. External validation from women is his drug of choice; his other loyal relationship is with alcohol. Our marriage imploded in 2017 when he was caught with his AP by her husband (now ex-husband). With that revelation, 3 years of trickle truth began; he only told the truth when ultimately backed into a corner by irrefutable evidence. He started individual therapy and we had couples therapy as well. Over the years, we had bumps with his drinking, which has decreased, but he will never stop. We were briefly separated in 2022 when he drove drunk. He has not had any other EAs or PAs as far as I am aware.

Recently, WH wanted to go back to working out. This is a sensitive subject, as he was busted for sexting with a woman in his cross-fit class in 2016. After 8 years, I thought it was fine and I'm glad he was trying to improve his health. Of course, WH returned to the same gym and signed up to work with a female trainer because he felt more comfortable knowing the gym. After 6 weeks, he brought home a box of pastries from the gym, a "birthday gift" from his trainer. My antennae were immediately up, as I thought it odd and inappropriate that his trainer bought him pastries as a gift. He left on a business trip the next day and returned the following week. As he was unpacking, he gave me a cool vintage T-shirt. He then pulled out a jewelry box and told me about how he had found a local art shop with a vendor who made personalized leather wrap bracelets. He had purchased a bracelet with bronze charms of birds "spreading their wings and flying in a new direction" as a gift for his trainer, as she was starting a new group of classes at the gym and quitting her side job to focus on her career. He thought it was perfect for her.

I was livid. Absolutely livid. WHAT THE HELL?
He told me she was the same age as our kids and he only thought of her "like a kid and I just want to encourage her new direction."
And here's the kicker.... he's so proud of himself because he told me about buying a gift for another woman rather than hiding it as he would have in the past. When I told him it was inappropriate and that I was pissed, he apologized and said he wouldn't give her the gift. He admitted he'd made a mistake, but hey, he's only human (his words). And he is still working out with her at the gym because he has already paid for 6 months of sessions. He said I could come work out with "them," but I won't be his chaperone. I suggested he work with a male trainer, but his paid sessions are with her only.

I'm just so...sad. What do I even do with this? He says it's part of his DNA to want to help people. But this has always been the pattern - helping a "helpless" woman and it evolves into an inappropriate relationship, EA, and at least once, a PA. I spent years working through the trauma of the betrayals and understand that his behaviors had nothing to do with me. I do know that; he's responsible for his own choices. What I'm left with now is, what does it say about me that I'm having this same conversation with him about another inappropriate interaction with a woman? What are my limits? I try to rationalize that it was only a bracelet, but damn, it really hurts.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? This most recent incident has sent me into a spiral and triggered many memories. I'm feeling lost and emotionally exhausted.

12 comments posted: Thursday, November 7th, 2024