BH LTA 15 years Dday March 2022

Blinded by Trust / Another Rant.

Almost 3 years post Dday and my eyes are wide open. I see it now, all the clues and behavior changes I missed because I was blinded by trust. For 15 years when I left for work at least once a week my wife could look me in the eyes, kiss me goodbye and tell me she loved me and then a half hour later she would be headed to her lover's house. I felt like a complete fool for quite some time that this was happening right under my nose for so long. Affair recovery with processing all the information and trying to make sense of it all takes awhile. My life has never been disrupted like this and I would not wish this on anyone. I also believe that recovering from infidelity is like life, a roller coaster ride with ups and downs. And when I'm down, I tend to rant and let it out. I do miss the thoughts and feelings that our marriage was special in my eyes and with most people around us. I miss the innocence and being exclusive to my wife's heart and mind. This has made me a stronger and wiser person in many ways but at the same time I feel unsure of anything anymore. We are still married and trying to have a better marriage this time around and learn from our past mistakes. My wife's life and situation has changed considerably since Dday physically and emotionally. She is no longer exposed to many of the things that led to the bad choices she has made in the past. Getting free from her job was a major step. For 20 years we have been like two ships passing in the night working different shifts to make things work and be there for our kids. We put all of our energy into our jobs and our kids and life and we neglected to maintain and protect our marriage. This is a common story, I'm sure. Since my wife has retired and is home all of the time it's like a whole new marriage. I have spent more time alone with her talking than I have in the last 10 years. Granted there is a lot to talk about whether it be good or bad. I still have my up's and down's and have to get a rant out here and there and I am very grateful to have this forum to release it.

3 comments posted: Wednesday, November 27th, 2024

Another Rant

My wife of 42 years had a 15 year affair with a co worker. I put an end to it over two and a half years ago. I allowed her to call him to break it off but she did not want me to be there when she called him, I agreed. But I had to know just how deep her feelings went for this guy so I secretly recorded the call. I don't feel real good about doing that but I had to hear her true feelings which she would never tell me. The call lasted 40 minutes and I heard a lot of heartbreaking things. She professed her undying love for him and said he was the true love of her life and that would never change (that was killer for me to hear). She also lied to him a few times about things that she said on Dday. She expressed how unhappy her life has gotten at work and at home and how all of that disappeared when she went over to see him. I also heard him remind her of the bad moments that she had with me during our marriage as a way of justifying what they were doing. To set the record straight I was not an abusive husband but I was far from perfect and have made my share of mistakes over 40 years of marriage, but I was faithful and did the best I could to provide for my family. That call still haunts me and I will always wonder if it was the affair fog talking or if she still feels that way today. We decided to work things out and stay together but I can't get it out of my head that she said he was the love of her life and that would never change. How could she come back to me and still think that way for him.I may never know her true feelings for him. We have gone through this without any counseling, but I have journaled and watched so many helpful podcast. I have read so many books about both sides of an affair, I almost feel as if I could write my own. Long-Term affairs are devastating and will turn your world upside down. I really want to believe that my wife sees and feels so much differently about her affair now that her eyes and mind are seeing real life again. I honestly don't know her as good as I used to think I did.

Thank You for listening to my rant.

Lost1313

16 comments posted: Thursday, November 14th, 2024

At 65, this hit me hard!

Here I was getting ready to retire in a few years and spend more time with my wife. Then I discover that my wife has been unfaithful for the last 15 years. I do believe that this affects a man in different ways than it does a woman. Not many stories about men being cheated on and even fewer men out there willing to talk about it. We take it very personal and as a man I don't give up easily and will fight for my marriage to survive this. The resentment is very real, she gave her lover her best for 15 years and now that she is back with me only, she doesn't treat me anywhere near the way she was with him. I do get it, affairs and married life are two very different situations. But yet again if she would put just a small percentage of the effort, desire and excitement into our marriage like she did her affair I probably wouldn't be writing this. I know this was not my fault but I can't help but feel like a door prize for her now after all the excitement of the affair life. She was such a different woman physically and emotionally during her affair years. We are two and a half years post Dday and doing fairly well but I am still having trouble getting her to talk about our past mistakes and what we need to do to keep moving forward. She shuts down sometimes and quickly changes the subject if I even hint of going there. I have been calm with her from the beginning and never showed any anger. I vented a lot in my journaling though! Things are so different now, all I want is peace of mind again and finish out our years together. She is a woman of few words with me and I am the complete opposite. I need to hear more about her feelings for me now more than ever but getting her to open up has not been easy. I have learned a lot from this and now understand that life can be so unfair when it comes to affairs. So much is lost and can't be taken back and the punishment does not match the crime. Prayer has helped me considerably and so do the people on all the forums that I post to. I appreciate you lending your ear to my struggles!

Lost1313

10 comments posted: Thursday, November 14th, 2024

Still Keeping Secrets

My wife of 42 years had a 15 year affair. We are two and half years post Dday.She is still keeping secrets about her affair from me. I have known the truth about some things for quite some time but I wanted to see if she would come clean with me. Generally we are doing well but this dishonesty really bothers me and I don't feel respected at all. I just don't want to repeat past mistakes. How do I approach her about this?

6 comments posted: Friday, November 8th, 2024