trying to navigate this unfortunate new experience

About a week ago, I discovered why my wife of 12 years was staying up late at night in bed on her phone for the last month.

Over the last month she had become distant and uninterested in being around me or our 2 children. She suffers from depression, so i thought it was a depressive episode that has tended to last a couple weeks before she came back to regular.

I pretended to sleep and was able see that she was texting someone. I could feel my heart pounding and was sure she would be able to hear it. After a bit of time, I saw something to do with "kids" in the text and that's when I confronted her and asked who she was texting. She very quickly deleted what was on her phone in a matter of split seconds.

I asked to see her phone and she begrudgingly passed it to me. The messages had been deleted by the next person in her messages list was a good friend of hers. I opened that chat and immediately saw her message to her female friend that, in 2 days time, upon me being away for 2 days, she was planning on having another guy at our house to have sex with. Needless to say, I canceled my trip.

This was the beginning of long night of questions, and lies.

After a couple days of more questions and not getting answers, I stepped back from myself and recalled a name of a new guy at her work. I asked if it was him and she admitted it was.

She was adamant that nothing physical had ever happened but they were planning on it, as per her message to her girlfriend. She even went so far as to say (repeatedly now) that she wished it had happened.

I spoke to this guy over the phone and I seemed to get more honesty from him than from her and he was adamant that she was the one pursuing her and that since the affair was discovered that it was done.

About a week goes by of her telling me it's done and that they are not talking nor have they and she had been providing her phone to check when asked. I learned from her phone that she had been using a new messaging app for between 1 and 3 hours per day. She wasnt talking to me that much. I checked the app and discovered that she had forgotten to delete a telephone call notification from the other guy.

Confronted again....admits that she was talking to him but just as "friends".

After a few hours she tells me that she is done! Done with what I say, she says him. Ok

A further look at her phone and her messages to her girlfriend would seem to indicate that she is, at least at this time, being truthful about what took place between them, her lies to me, and her being done (as indicated by her asking her girlfriend how to get over the other guy).

I love and have loved my wife dearly since we have met. I love our small family. She knows the depths of my love for her, again as indicated in a message to the other guy that "he loves me beyond anything".

I don't sense much remorse from her. If anything it seems that she is more hurt about losing this other guy, even though it had only been a month. she claims that she only saw him as a friend but wanted to have sex.

She is starting to get frustrated with me asking to see her phone (maybe once a day or after she is exhibiting behaviour similar to when she was messaging him such as hiding in the room etc.). She asked me today what i want, I told her honesty, transparency, her to work with me to fix this. When I asked her the same, she responded she wants things to be normal. She says she loves me and "would never leave" me.

The rollercoaster of feeling and emotions makes things difficult to navigate.

I understand from doing a lot of reading since Discovery that the movie response of instant remorse and wanting to work things out is not realistic.

What has been others experience with timelines with their WS?

Am I expecting too much?

thank you in advance for the opportunity to vent on here with you who have similar experiences and also for any advice.

52 comments posted: Sunday, December 1st, 2024