How to accept the things you can’t change

As the WS in my marriage it seems kind of ironic to be upset about the consequences of my actions. Like I knew what I was doing was wrong and did it anyways, so why should I be upset now…. Some days I am hit with the overwhelming realization that I made many bad decisions that have now changed my life (and my spouses) forever. And it just sucks so much. My affair and AP added no extra value to my life. I gained nothing from the affair and in return lost everything that was meaningful to me. My husband hasn’t divorced me, but that option is never off the table. Even if we get to R, I made a mark on our marriage that never goes away. I lost a career I worked my ass off for. I lost the chance at doing IVF with my husband, when being a mother was the only thing I’ve ever wanted. Most importantly I’ve lost my husband’s trust and pride in our marriage. Those are things I’ll never get back and I wish I would have thought about these things when I chose to cheat.

I would just love to know if this feeling ever goes away.

I promise I’m not trying to throw a pity party for myself right now. I very much understand that I’m just dealing with the consequences of my affair and what my husband is going through is far more painful. But knowing it’s my fault doesn’t make it any easier to get through.

5 comments posted: Wednesday, March 19th, 2025

Reflection/ Venting

Hell of a week I just went through and I just need somewhere to get it all out. If anyone wants to offer advice or their own stories please share!

Coming up on 5 months DDay and still working on recovery with my BH. Some days are amazing, some days we’re both a mess. This past week we experienced both. Some wonderful fun times together and a few low days for him. Just taking it day by day!

I guess you could say I had an epiphany this week about what a certified terrible wife I was during my affair. I obviously know what I did was horrible and I do regret my choices tremendously. I was going through some substance abuse issues during this time and had AP/ a few friends brainwashing me into thinking my husband was abusive/ controlling ect. Not that any of that excuses my behavior, but I can see everything in a different light now. I didn’t really realize how badly I truly treated my husband during this time until literally last night. I couldn’t sleep so I read every text message we had from June 2024- present. What an actual slap in the face that was. I was so disgusted and disappointed by how I was speaking to my spouse during that time, I had a breakdown. My sweet husband was begging for me to communicate, was going out of his way to change for me, was BEGGING me to stop hanging out with my "friend" so much. And in response I lied to him, gaslight him, and placed the blame of our rocky marriage fully on him. I just want to go back to that time and beat myself senseless. I can’t believe I didn’t see how hard he was trying to fix things, how much love he had for me, and how badly he was fighting for me. I hate that I chose to prioritize my rat of an AP over him. I hate that I hurt my best friend. I hate the person I was. I never want to be her again and I never want to put my husband through that pain again.

Horrible timing for a mental breakdown lol. My husband left this morning for an out of state fishing trip (our first time apart since DDay). Which I was already anxious about because I hate being alone. I called him after he left and tried to calmly apologize for my past behavior and actions, but I immediately started sobbing. I told him how disappointed I was reading everything. I told him how truly sorry I am and how much I love him. I’m hoping his weekend trip gives him some actual peace and relaxation. And hoping to talk to him more when he returns home.

Did anyone have their WS experience something similar and was it helpful to hear them explain how they understand now how horrible their actions were?

If you’re a WS did you ever go through something similar?

5 comments posted: Friday, February 28th, 2025

Weekly Check Ins

Given that I’m still in the early stages of post DDay, how should I be handling checkins with my spouse? The first few weeks it was an everyday hour long talks about the affair. Weekly I’m asking if he wants to talk, some days he does some days that question pissed him off. All kinda depends on how he’s feeling that week, which I totally get. We always feel better after the fact, it’s just the initial approach of the conversation that’s still awkward.

Does anyone have tips on how to initiate a check in with your spouse and what are topics that you feel were meaningful to discuss?

7 comments posted: Monday, February 24th, 2025

How to feel when your spouse is “on the fence”

I would love to hear about your experiences when you or your spouse were on the fence of D or R. We are currently a little past 4 months post DDay (early I know) and everyday does feel like progress is being made. I completely respect my husband for taking his time to heal and really think through what he wants for our future. I would never rush him to make a decision, but do wonder if I’m doing enough to aid in his decision. I’m working hard to be a safe partner for him and want nothing more than to make it through this nightmare I caused us. I guess I’d just like to know when you knew that R was the right choice for your marriage. Or what your spouse was doing that showed R was possible for your marriage.

I’m open to provide more background on our situation! I also have a more detailed post on my profile.

Thank you in advance for any and all advice/feedback.

9 comments posted: Wednesday, February 19th, 2025

Looking for Help Healing my Spouse

I’m relatively new to this site but have used many of the posts to assist me on my journey and love reading advice that others have to offer. Currently I’m about 4 months post D-Day and my husband is still on the fence of reconciliation or divorce. Since D-Day I’ve had to really push myself to be more transparent and open with my husband about any and everything. I unfortunately did not allow him the full story of my affair for the first 2-3 weeks after discovery. I greatly regret not being upfront and honest from day one, or even from the moment my affair started. However, present day I’ve told him everything I can possibly remember and have answered questions openly and without being defensive.

A quick run down of my steps to help heal my husband:

-Immediate no contact with AP (I hadn’t spoken to him in around a month before D-Day) so this was an easy fix. The affair had already stopped before my husband found out.

-No contact with AP’s wife or mutual friends that knew of the affair.

-Got a new job within the first month after D-Day (AP was a coworker) this new job is also fully remote so I’m in our home everyday all day (Hopefully this gives my husband some peace of mind).

-I have started individual counseling which is faith based and allows my husband to be involved if he would like. My goal with this going forward is to really try and break down the whys of me searching an affair. I want to heal the parts of me that are flawed so I can truly love myself again. I also love having a third party to offer resources or feedback on how I can be a better wife.

-Did a professional polygraph test with questions my spouse wanted clarity on. Passed the test and provided spouse with results.

-No social media in the past 4 months.

-No drinking or drug use. This is something that greatly impacted my choices the 6 months prior to the affair and during the affair. I was drinking everyday and abusing my Xanax prescription. Sober since the DDay (aside from 2-3 drinks during a family vacation in October).

- Found an awesome church to attend with my spouse. This is something that we both really enjoy.

-Came clean to a handful of family members and friends, my husband wanted me to take accountability amongst those that are close to us.

Now we are at a point in our relationship where my husband has given hisself a mental deadline of deciding on R or D by May. I am praying for reconciliation and a second chance with my husband. This May will be 11 years of our relationship and I can’t imagine life without him. I see him struggling daily and want nothing more than to see him healed and happy. No matter the outcome for me, I just want him to be okay. He has mentioned he doesn’t believe me fully and doesn’t know if he can live the rest of his life without being able to believe me. My affair was purely emotional/digital (photos)- no physical sexual acts ever happened and my husband questions this daily. My affair was also very short lived, we’ve estimated around 2-3 weeks that these events occurred, but still my husband questioned if more happened.

-So my question is how do I react and respond when my husband is struggling with the what if’s.

- How do I better support his healing journey?

-How do I give him peace of mind on the what ifs?

-How do I respond without being emotional? I often break down and cry during our affair conversations because I feel so much guilt and shame. I also can not express how deeply it hurts to see my husband hurting during these conversations.

Thank you for any and all advice! So sorry for the long post!

6 comments posted: Monday, January 20th, 2025