A reminder that may sound obvious to others. But it wasn´t to me until recently.
Hi,
I've shared a few times my situation, my grievances, updated on the progress of our journey.
Uncertainty is still at the helm, anxiety, fear and insecurity are still very present.
The last time I posted, I talked about my insecurities, specially surrounding a close friend (who coincidentally came back into the picture as the marriage started to drift apart.
Now, through some crisis, and big arguments, some of which brought out some ugly discussions and truths, that, regardless of the emotional drain, needed to be said, I have come finally to fully embrace and accept. As I said before, I chose to believe my partner and fully trust her. She has given me no reason not to do so, ever. And has given me the grace to try and see if there is a possibility of reconciliation, even after all my shortcomings and failures.
But this is not the main issue here. Through all this process, I noticed my grief, my shame, my anxiety, my then jealousy, my fears and my pain, took the main stage. I was so caught in this that I forgot to give my wife the space she needs, she DESERVES, I OWE HER.
I have already taken full notice of this, I have brought it up, apologised for my egoistical stance in these last couple of months, and am already taking steps to rectify it.
Sure, I needed to work through some stuff, we both did, but I could have done so in the background, or at the very least, do so displacing her own needs much less.
I was being sincere, my feelings and struggles were and still are no less great. But I certainly gained clarity, specially after our last bump in this road towards (maybe) a possible reconciliation.
So I am here to remind you. It is ok to suffer, to have doubts, fears, pain, to be sincerely and painfully repenting, to buckle or even come close to breaking (and sometimes do so) under the weight of it all. But remember, your partner has carried a much heavier burden, and sometimes for longer, and has done so (maybe) much more stoically so.
My focus will still be greatly on my own work, as I MUST become a person I am proud of presenting myself us, for my family, for my wife...
But as of now I am also actively doing so in a way that it does not take attention from my partners' needs and healing journey. I am here to help her heal in whatever capacity I can. A large part of that healing is hers to take on, and the outcome, is also greatly dependant on what her heart tells her throughout her journey. But I won´t make it any harder than it needs to be.
I love my wife, and my family. I owe it to them, and I owe it to myself.
Keep growing, but remember it is not entirely about yourselves.
I hope this helps someone out there, who may be as clueless as I am.
Thank you for this space.
Matias
4 comments posted: Friday, January 30th, 2026
A few months after...
I thought I´d give an update on my situation.
Lsst Discovery was around May (online cam service), After a few months of uncertainty, still physical small affection and verbal too. After BS took a small holiday to gather her thoughts, we have been not close (physical affection is gone, so is verbal) Already 3 months of this.
Holiday season was REALLY hard, still struggling, trying to rebuild myself. We have been on Couples Counseling for about 5-6 sessions already. I continue on my personal counseling. She has started hers. The cost of it all does not help either.
I have cut off all use of porn, it has been months off of it, honestly, I do not miss it one bit.
Still a LOT of work ahead, uncertainty is as always, no promises of anything from my wife's side, and I completely accept this and am not asking for any reassurances.
Some days are terribly hard. It is hard to hope for reconciliation and love when I am having a hard time loving myself... Even beautiful family moments have a deep undercurrent of sadness, it hits me completely unexpected. The fact that I risked all this, the core of what ALL is about, this family, for something so stupid and selfish... it is devastating. What I did to my wife, the pain and sadness I put her through...
Some days are easier, we laugh, we share nice moments, we sit close, our arms brush, and I am happy. It is silly, I feel like a kid going with a girl to the cinema and getting excited about having touched her hand.
I don't know where this will take me. I have no guarantees, I just know i NEED to continue moving forward.
wish me luck :)
Thank you.
16 comments posted: Friday, January 16th, 2026
Wife returned. I am a bit devastated
Wife returned from about 10 days away from the family: She needed the time, she needed to gather her thoughts. Distance. First time away since the kids were born (so a decade in total)
Now she is back. It feels like the stage where we were at just got worse.
No kissing even, she told me she did not miss me (as a couple at least) and that she feels a bit empty and that love for her s deeply linked to trust (which of course it is) and that since I broke that, she doesn't know if she can rebuild it again. (last episode of infidelity from my part: an online cam thing, was about 5 months ago). She says she is willing to give couples therapy a try, mostly because we have kids.
The whole drive back from going to get her (I went with the kids) I could not hold back the tears, Luckily it was nighttime, and I was silently driving. But I am spent. I thought there was a small chance before, she was a bit more close physically before leaving, a bit more communicative. Now I feel this put us in a worse place.
I don´t know where to go to from here. I really feel done.
7 comments posted: Saturday, November 8th, 2025
My story (short I promise) Looking for advice.
Hi,
New here, so, excuse me if I break any unwritten rules. I´ll try to keep it short. I´ll tell the events in chronology.
Married, in my forties, we have kids.
First time around, I was caught using an app (it was from another country, I was basically flirting online with a couple of women from another continent) I am not trying to justify myself, but my "rationale" is, I really wanted to feel desired and seen. It was a very low period in the relationship after the first child.
I got a second chance.
The second time. Wife was pregnant with second child, I was away for work for half a year, visitng every couple of weeks. I visited an escort. At the time of the act I felt almost sick to my stomach... I basically paid for seeing a lady in her underwear and got to the point of getting half undressed.
My wife was going over my phone, she found some very obvious messages. This time I thought I lost her for good. It was months away, cut off of all contact, one of my darkest periods, trying to make the new job work. We ended up reconciling and moving to a new place.
After 6 years here, living as a family, and a third child, over a year with no intimacy and very spotty moments for ourselves. One night I resorted to a video chat with a cam girl. Again... days later she found out. (again going over my phone, stupid me, but I guess truth finds a way). As a side note, we never had an issue with pornography or anything of the sort (she and I don't mind this)
I am not looking for sympathy. Trying to give a little context of the times this happened and how apart they were. This last time was a few months ago, this time it feels like the straw that broke the camel's back. She is taking time to reflect, needed some distance, she now took a small holiday (long overdue since its her first "alone time" since the kids were born) visiting family and friends abroad.
I am a bit desperate, definitely pushing were I should grant space, lots of insecurities bubbling up. Afraid of her deciding not to pursue reconciliation (although she has repeated her intention to do so) she wants to work things out for our kids, for the life we built...
I guess I don't have any questions now, just putting my story out there, in case someone resonates, has some advice.
I am doing therapy, working on myself, reading. Trying to take this the most proactive and conscientious way possible. I want to change this pattern that seems to have appeared in my life. If I get a positive outcome my wish is to never fall back and hurt her feelings and her trust again. I want a way forward in rebuilding trust...
21 comments posted: Thursday, November 6th, 2025
