SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So… when Want2beHappy strongarmed me into a reconciliation post, I was a little bit apprehensive… of course “strongarmed” is a bit of an overstatement as we had a deal concerning a fart joke that took her months in the making. By the time that fart joke came out, it was so stale, even other folks were like ‘uh…..’. Seems like a good trade to me though. Mwahahahahahahha

So, for those of you wondering why there aren’t more positive reconciliation stories, I’ll tell you why. It’s freaking hard. It’s hard to think of a single solitary event that encapsulates the entire journey and is also the symbolical standard for the state of the marriage. That and there is always the underlying fear that something will go awry, that we’ll be back on this website in the divorce forum eating our own optimism like raw brussel sprouts.

So, w2bh, yes, this story is a little bit tardy in it’s posting. And to anyone else reading this, this is not the best thing that’s happened during our reconciliation, not the worst thing, and doesn’t mean that we are completely reconciled or that I’m by any shape or function okay with what she did. Rather, by posting this, I’ll I’m saying is things are good right now, and looking like they could be better, and my personal internal pain is gone.

As background, throughout our marriage I have passed gas and blamed it on zoo animals or mythical creatures. As in *poot* “holy crap! Did you hear that tiger?! We gotta call the authorities!”. It was initially met the first two years of our marriage with ‘we all know that’s your stank ass’ type remarks. Then huffs or puffs and eye rolling. Then as the kids are growing and learning, they started doing it too. The youngest is still learning. And my wife reacted like it was this painful dramatic symptom of being from a lower class or something. Really, her reaction was reflective of a theoretical stick up her rear.

So, when a few weeks ago, one of the kids pass gas and blame it on a dragonfly, and I force one out to blame it on a bird chasing a dragonfly, it was a complete shock to us all for her to let one rip and blame it on a cat chasing the bird.

Laughs all around.

And it is more common to see things like that. Where she is more relaxed and less concerned with appearances. Like the theoretical ass stick is coming out. Which is good. Good for me, for the kids, for the family. And exactly what I want. I want to enjoy our family life. To laugh and to love and to make memories. It’s not always fun times, but that’s life. And I like that we can now enjoy more of it together.

This is kind of unbelieveable to write but here it is:

I don't know what to focus on because my marriage is so good right now.

So a brief synopsis: 16 months have passed.

Communication is strong and getting stronger.

Date nights are wonderful and fun and EASY.

Sex is getting better and better.

Therapy is going well for all.

We are spending more time together as a family.

We are supportive of each other's careers

We are both eating healthy and exercising

We spend a lot of time just hanging out together

I still get love letters and surprise gifts

We laugh a lot

I love being around him

I truly believe I am his favorite person (never thought I would think that again)

Our fights don't feel like fights but more like intense conversations and I don't feel the negativity that was there before.

I am pleasantly surprised and enjoying the moments as the pass.

NVT gets thunderous applause (that was funny), or is that something else we all hear? Elephants airing out?

stugglebus, beautiful and inspiring.

It has been a hard 24 hours with some issues coming at our marriage. BUT I will post that Mr Uxor knew that what was happening withered my tired and tested heart. He held me all last night. I needed that. And sometimes just being held is one of the greatest positives in reconciliation. (I know - not all guys feel the same - that is ok too.)

Back again, because when my SI fairy godmother W2BHA bats her eyelashes about the positive thread, I oblige.

Hi friends, I am 16 months out from DDay and I had amazing fulfilling sex with my husband with no mind movies, no crying, no thought of the OW, no panic, no grief during which time I had fun but more importantly felt close and safe to my partner in ways I never thought would happen again.

I don't expect this to be the end of all the rough stuff by any means. I expect that this like all else will be a roller coaster.

That said this is HUGE to me. I truly thought I would never enjoy sex on a deep level again. I thought I would never feel seen and see in that way after the affair. I thought all of the specialness, all of the loving closeness had been ripped away from me. Even if it is just one time, that proves that it is possible.

I know how much I clung to every.single.post that told me this was possible so I am adding one to the pile for all those who are looking for a reason to hope.

Things to note: my H is truly remorseful and we have both being working on healing ourselves on our own. I am a sexual assault survivor so that puts another knot in our dynamic as far as feeling safe goes.

We had some luck with sensate focusing, tantric breathing and we are doing the Mirror of Intimacy together too. There is no recipe though. Human sexuality is a very tricky. But there is hope.

Edited to add:

EVERYONE DESERVES GREAT SEX, especially people who have had to put up with the utter garbage that is infidelity.

Regarding the special - I think it was very integral that my husband spends time every single day making me feel special. The special can't come from the sex alone - you have to feel that YOU are special to your partner.

At first these things meant NOTHING to me, they were nice and all but it was probably just love-bombing because he wanted to placate me. I didn't believe a hair of it. But he didn't stop.

He texts me everyday- that he is thinking of me and what sparked that thought or a picture of something that reminded him of me (flowers he saw near his office on campus) or a silly joke.

He sends me love letters via email often. Sometimes short and sometimes long. Sometimes gushy or steamy. One of my favorites is one he wrote that just laid out all of the ways he felt proud of me.

He writes me poems and songs - we used to do this often when we were first together but it tapered off after the kids and all.

He asks for my input before making decisions that will impact me - everything from trips to budgeting to what to make for dinner. He is conscious to never make me feel like an afterthought.

He supports my wants and needs - gets up early to help the kids get ready for school on my gym mornings, makes dinner at least once or twice a week if not more, runs errands I don't want to do, makes sure the laundry is on track - acts of service.

We go on dates and we try new things - new restaurants, day trips, crafting, hiking, new stuff.

He surprises me with small gifts that made him think of me (a pair of earrings here, some flowers there, nothing extravagant, just me stuff)

Basically, I am being actively woo'd. And that makes me woo him right back which leads to a loop of wooing. A woo loop.

(Sorry I am silly I have been stuck inside our house with the flu for two days and may have gone a bit goofy )

[This message edited by strugglebus at 5:22 PM, January 30th (Tuesday)]

We are three years, almost exactly from Dday. This is the first really great Valentines day since 2012 when his wayward behavior began. I posted this in the Reconciliation forum, but thought I'd share it here too cuz it's SOOO positive.

MrPeace (aka Razorbyrd) used to be an over the top romantic, to the point where all my friends would just swoon at the things he would say and do for me. I noticed this disappearing in 2012 and chalked it up to normal ups and downs in a long relationship, even though it had lasted for the first 15 years.

At first, having that back in my life was one of my conditions of R. But then, as we began to navigate his "whys" it became a struggle to want this back. My inner battle was "If he stopped doing this when he started getting his ego kibbles somewhere else, then maybe he was just doing it for the ego kibbles, and not out of love for me..." And if that was the case, did I want to encourage that behavior?? Did I really want it back in my life if it was all about how it made HIM feel?? Tricky tricky...

Well recently as we've started to work together as partners more, I realized I DO want that back. I want that over the top romantic guy that was so thoughtful and put so much effort into making me feel special and loved. If that is part of my love language, and I already know he's beyond capable... then yeah I want it back, because he'd be doing it to make ME feel special. We talked about it a while ago in general. And then, because I'm letting go of parenting him, I dropped it... and he apparently picked it up and ran with it.

We went away for the weekend specifically to make some new memories to override the Dday memories. It's something we started last year and I'm enjoying it. We found a secluded cabin in the middle of nowhere on a lake and hunkered down and listened to it rain for 3 days. While there he surprised me with a beautiful gift he'd had made special for me. It was a beautiful book with a shooting star on the cover, which is special to me because our first kiss was after I made a wish on a shooting star. The first page of the book is a letter from him acknowledging how hard this has been on me, thanking me for the chances I've given him and telling me how much he appreciates me. The rest of the book is page after page after page of reasons why he loves me and thinks I'm amazing... 1 reason per page with sweet illustrations... Some of it was silly, some sweet, some beautiful and some sexy.

But that wasn't even for Valentine's Day...

Last night he had reservations at a beautiful romantic restaurant. The dinner and our bottle of wine was lovely, but not nearly as wonderful as sitting with him and laughing over silly things and feeling in love again.

After dinner, at home he gave me a beautiful card, again writing in it his thanks and appreciation for giving him the gift of R. Then he presented me with a large 11x14 framed picture... he somehow got a picture from some site online of the night sky, full of stars, over the spot where he proposed, on the exact night he proposed 17 years ago, so it has the date along with the name of the lighthouse, including longitude and lattitude. He titled it "Our Stars" and wrote the first line of the poem he gave me that night under the picture. I'm still very emotional over it.

While it was a struggle to decide if I really wanted this back in our lives, I'm glad I decided to ask for it. This was so much about US, acknowledging the beauty from our past together with a look into our future together (that's the poem part), and yet made ME feel special and loved. And man, I have missed this guy.

(A few years out from DDay now, just for clarification).

This is a FOO issues success story, but it comes with the pain before the success.

For St. Valentine's day, I did get flowers, I did get gifts, I did get a lot of heavenly chocolate to eat the day after, (we are Catholic, and Ash Wednesday fell on St. Valentine's Day. And, no, I didn't give up Chocolate for Lent...I gave up listening to people who bring me down. Sooo nice to take a break from them.)

THE PAIN: But, a few weeks ago, I had expressed how much I felt a cumulative deficit of things that I felt the xOW received, and his family frowned on if he expressed affection, so it wasn't lovingly snd freely given to me over the years.

In the affair year, he took time to compliment the xOW, encourage her, tell her how amazing she was. In his family, a husband doesn't say those things to his wife. And definitely doesn't say anything about her looks or sensuality. That is shallow to need or want. That is focus on women as feminine and men as having power by complimenting them. (Yeah...they actually think those things). Men are only to compliment the women on their service to community and their advancements in career.

Equally, a husband should not expect any compliments from his wife. He is not to be commended for his accomplishments or status. Only if he supports causes the women in the family are involved in.

THE TRUTH! I want my husband's mind, eyes and heart. Turns out he wants that in return too. We want to hear it and see the desire expressed with reminders.

But I grew up seeing that in my family, and he did not.

So, you can imagine what I felt when I saw the texts saying all the things he was raised and taught to never say to me. But I had spent years of trying to give to him.

And, he has been trying since we started counseling, to change that habit. To say nice things. But it seems prompted, only to the point of "the effort has been made".

I do notice the effort, but my mind replays how he exchanged compliments and encouragement easily with the xOW. How, for two decades, with his ever present family, he couldn't kiss me, put an arm around me or tell me that I looked nice if they were anywhere in earshot

(which was pretty often). How, until the affair, the only compliments I would get were before we made love - and they were not the ones I was craving and what the xOW heard. Sexy compliments are nice, but a wife needs the romantic and admiring ones too.

A few weeks ago, cleaning out a closet, I came a cross some items I had bought to try to be attractive and beautiful in his eyes - during the affair year. It was so painful!

I decided to throw them out, and he came across the bag I was putting them into. He asked why - that he liked these on me. (That was as close as he came to the compliment. "liked")

I lost it. I told him how much it hurt that I had gone to such effort to wear things and be attractive to him all these years. To be the "ultra" wife and mom in every way I could....and the xOW got the feedback that had been mine as a wife!

That in the years prior to the affair, if I had said I needed to hear those things, he had said that he wasn't made that way. That if I commended him too much, he resented it because it made him ashamed that he couldn't say it back, and his family didn't agree with my complimentary style.

So....then....Why? Because in secret at his work, with a pretend work wife - it was easy, private and fun....because marriage is public, and his family was so invasive, he was ashamed to be that way.

His family made him ashamed to be and act like a husband should...and I took the emotional beating for it. It was why every angle the IC and MC looked for on what I did to push him away didn't work. His source of pain and loneliness was created by his own family. Not me.

That I gave to him what he needs in my compliments, attention and admiration, also made him ashamed.

I fulfilled the role of the wife, he was shamed for the role of the husband. And the "secret wife" became his balm for the pain.

Why would I keep that memory? Why should I want him to see me in that memory on me?

Yes - I threw the clothing away and explained in painful detail why.

No further conversations happened.

THE GOOD STUFF: But, for St. Valentines day, he wrote out description after description of how beautiful, sexy and attractive I am. He also wrote what an amazing wife and mother of intellect, faith and creativity I am. And he wrote about how sweet and loving I am. He wrote about how others admire me.

AND he wrote about how my acts of forgiveness - even for little things - were something he never knew existed in other people.

He wrote the words....That I am "the love of his life".

He wrote it so I would always have that proof in my hands. Like she had. Only he wrote and described so much more.

It made the few affair texts he sent to her look like old rotten apples that fell from the giant tree of his emotions, that turned to mold and worms in the shade. All the other apples are sweet, ripening and mine to eat any time I want.

THE TAKE WITH TRUTH:

In reconciliation, you may not ever be able to forget. Forgiveness may be an act to choose to not harm because of your pain, but to want what is healthy and good for you and your spouse. It can be so painful and difficult to choose healing roads.

But if you keep communicating and working together on what marriage should be, you may get more back than the xAP ever was given.

It is very vulnerable to tell your wayward why you hurt and what was taken from you. It can leave me shaking. They may not give it back.

It also (falsely) feels selfish to want what the xAP had and more - but in reality, IT IS NOT SELFISH, it was yours to have all along. And your spouse may not even know how badly you want it, especially if they were never taught to be that way in married life.

They can't try if they do not know what you feel deprived of.

(I will confess the deep desire to show that letter to my in-laws, and to tell them this is what real marriage looks like. I won't though - pointless and would sap me of my joy as they scoffed at it and shamed him. But I will show the appropriate parts to our kids and their spouses when they marry....I can't change my in-laws, but I can try to stop the cycles with our own kids.)

Hope, prayers and hugs to all of you reconcilers.

[This message edited by uxorpatricius at 11:21 AM, February 23rd (Friday)]

strugglebus- Your list really got me teary - your line about 'I truly believe I am his favorite person (never thought I would think that again)' set me over the edge. I don't know how long it's been since I felt that... I am very happy for your happiness <3

uxorpatricius - Ok I'm bawling over here at '...old rotten apples that fell from the giant tree of his emotions, that turned to mold and worms in the shade. All the other apples are sweet, ripening and mine to eat any time I want.' I'm going to hold onto this in my heart - thank you.

Tomorrow is the last day my husband will call his apartment 'his.' He has been staying at home everyday now for a couple of weeks and is eager to no longer hold the status of 'separated,' especially in the eyes of our son that is still at home. We are going to renew our lease here soon (old lease is almost up).

We're in MC/IC and progress is good, I think. I'm nervous about 'letting' him back because he's made a few mistakes in the honesty/transparency area - essentially lies by omission to avoid conflict. He's also still got his defenses up due to shame but he's shown he can put them aside and be compassionate.

We're growing closer though a lot remains unsaid and unknown. Our MC is actually pretty damn great at 'interpreting' for me to him and helping him remove the filters he's put in place to justify his lies and infidelities. I think he's starting to be a better man and I like this man.

So after over 5 months of separate living arrangements, a LOT of MC, patience, courage, firmly stated expectations and boundaries, I'm going to say our reconciliation is in positive-mode. It took him a long time to learn to listen to my pain without his shame lashing out in defense, which hurt me all over again and made me feel like he'd never understand how to put me first, even before his own shame.

I want to continue to work on ourselves as individuals and our relationship because it is helping me find myself and define myself, in and outside of our marriage. I know I need to become more independent financially and I have a good thing going in that area-- I've been able to put a lot more love in it lately and it's already paying off in a lot of ways.

I'll be reading through these posts and mining them for sweet and encouraging stories - they're just what I need right now.

Edit- a few days after I posted this, WH said, "I like you. I really like you. Do you know that?" <3

[This message edited by anovum at 1:28 PM, March 8th (Thursday)]

Baseball season...has been a milestone for me. I look back to last year during my kids’ baseball season and am actually amazed at how far I’ve come in this journey. Last year I was crying my eyes out at the playground listening to Patrick Doyle on YouTube, devoid of conversation with other parents, trying to write out scripture through the tears in my eyes. It was cold but I was always journaling every free moment I had, subconsciously hoping that my kids would not yell for me to “help” or “look” at what they were doing. There was no way I was going to be okay with my H being a coach in any capacity because I was in so much pain. I could barely get my oldest kid to school on time and each day was a struggle.

And now, this year, this year- what a change! My H and I are coaching my middle son’s team, I can talk with other parents and laugh about similarities with kids. I can be on the field and fully focus on teaching them while having fun with my H. I don’t journal as much and I let my kids run freely on the playground. I have moments of letting go of the past.

I write this in the hopes that BS’s can see that it CAN get better and there is HOPE. I look back on last year as a marker for where I’ve been and where I am now. I’m not fully healed but I’m doing so much better than I ever thought I’d be. I still have flashbacks and triggers but my mind is quicker at renouncing negative thoughts. I feel like I’m coming back to the free-spirited kid I used to be before 7th grade hormones hit We still have a ways to go as a couple but we are WAY more unified than we ever were before this. Though the pain is still there, there’s so much to be thankful for in this past year’s work.

I will probably always remember baseball season, for where I was and where I am NOW.

I'm new here hoping this can help me get through everything. I have been with my H for 9 years and he had never really been 100% faithful but it was little things at first. He had been speaking with females online. We never fought over anything but him not being faithful. Then he stopped talking to girls he was being an amazing H we were really a team. Then before I went to work one day he told me that he had slept with his old boss. I took it very hard but after truly thinking I wanted to stay I love him very much and we make a great couple. But I am having a hard time letting some of this go. It has been 2 years since he told me lots of time that we have spent in counseling and hours of crying it started to get better. Until last week I have been going through a hard time my brain won't stop thinking about it. I'm having a hard time continuing moving on I need advise from people who have went though this to keep moving forward. I love him so much and he is trying so hard.i am hoping to feel the love for him I once did. Thank you for reading and any advise given

I'm new here hoping this can help me get through everything. I have been with my H for 9 years and he had never really been 100% faithful but it was little things at first. He had been speaking with females online. We never fought over anything but him not being faithful. Then he stopped talking to girls he was being an amazing H we were really a team. Then before I went to work one day he told me that he had slept with his old boss. I took it very hard but after truly thinking I wanted to stay I love him very much and we make a great couple. But I am having a hard time letting some of this go. It has been 2 years since he told me lots of time that we have spent in counseling and hours of crying it started to get better. Until last week I have been going through a hard time my brain won't stop thinking about it. I'm having a hard time continuing moving on I need advise from people who have went though this to keep moving forward. I love him so much and he is trying so hard.i am hoping to feel the love for him I once did. Thank you for reading and any advise given

Sophiasmom2005...I sent you a PM . Click on the "Private Messages" link on the "Forums" page and you will see it. WELCOME to SI .

For W2BHA -

The BS Has To Be All In Too:

I mean in deeds and actions, not just saying it. This was a revelation for me. It may have been obvious to many, but not to me.

As you may have heard, we didn’t have such a great weekend last week. Thankfully, my WW is doing better, and this weekend was much better than the last (d-uh). We spent a lot of time talking and connecting. And I made myself really vulnerable to her for, it seems to me, the first time. Sure, she’s seen me break down and cry and trigger, etc., but not really open up about my feelings regarding her A. Not how it made me feel. Not my fears, my anger, my complete gobsmackedness, all of it. And this week, I thought, well, she already read my threads so she kinda knows, what harm could it do? So I opened up. And we talked. And I have to tell you, it was scary as all hell for me. Because I was being vulnerable and real with the person who hurt me more than anyone has in my entire life. But you know what? It was fantastic. It was cathartic and therapeutic and pick a synonym. It was that. And I felt closer to her this past week than I had in a long long time.

You see, “all in” to me had meant staying married. And working on our relationship but only if we talked about what she had done and what she was doing to fix things between us and about herself. After all, she was the WW. This whole shitshow was her fault, not mine so the focus should rightly be on her, not me. So I was the outside observer. And that didn’t turn out very well.

So as I think about it now, we’ve been in false R. Not false R as it’s usually talked about here where the WS TT’ed or something like that. But because as the BS, I held myself back. I wasn’t “all in” too. I wasn’t willing to do the work. And no, it’s not fair that the BS has to do the work too. It’s not fair that we have to be vulnerable and risk being hurt again. But if you want to R, I believe that’s the only way. To be all in with your WS. Living it, not just saying it.

So for us, R is beginning again. Call it a continuation or a new start. Either way we are now both “all in.” I’m still scared. I still don’t know what will happen and how I’ll react to making myself vulnerable to her, but to me, this is our path forward. And if I’m not willing to take this leap, then I’m just kidding myself about where we’re heading.

Thought I’d share.

Here's a short one.

Lastnight we met up with DD1 and her fiance, and decided to go out for dinner. We were in the part of the city where Mr Psych worked while carrying on his A with COW2. I looked at him and said, "Let's go to (insert Affair Restaurant Name Here)". It's one we drive by all of the time, and one I've never been in. Since I learned they had lunch there one day during work, it's seemed mysterious and somewhat sinister to me. So I thought it was time to take away it's power, boldy reclaim yet another piece of the past that now is replaced with this new, happy memory of sharing a nice meal with our lovely daughter and our soon-to-be son-in-law (October wedding!).

So now it's just an other restaurant But one now that has a positive memory for me, and quite honestly, it's not nearly as "romantic" and "sexy" as I imagined it to be. It was nice, but nothing special. My imagination, once again, was worse than the reality.

No drama, no triggers, and we did just fine. He asked if I was okay when we were alone in the car, and I could honestly tell him I was great! Didn't even have any snarky comments or questions or thoughts of the past. Another small step along the long road of surviving infidelity, a road that seems to be heading toward a much more calm and comfortable place for both of us.

Thank you thank you for your words. I'm only 12 weeks form D Day ad it's so good to hear that this horrible pain can go

I am a WS and have been on here for a while with out posting. I just wanted to say that the road to reconciliation is a hard one. Often confusing and painful you have to wade through together cooperatively and above all else as a WS not treat this as a minor gesture of goodwill on the part of your BS.

1. We do not deserve any of the positives and deserve so much more of the negatives.

2. Self reflection, understanding the whys, continued guidance and education to those ends is paramount.

3. Communicate often, hide nothing. Being open and honest about all things and expect nothing in return.

4. Move forward stronger together.

Oh and never expect this journey to end. Not at D-1, D-100, 1000 or a million. As a WS our responsibilities have grown beyond anything we could ever imagine if Our true intention is remorseful, heart and soulful, mindful reconciliation.

My BS is my love, is my life ... and above all else, my wife and she deserves so much more than me and will always see that she is number one on this earth.

[This message edited by WeMetInJapan at 3:57 PM, April 12th (Thursday)]

So. Date night last night. So goooooood.

I should leave it at that.

But I won't.

Mr. Uxor wanted to work on completing a mechanical hobby that he has been waiting for parts to arrive for.

And he had said at lunch we should go out last night.

OF COURSE Fed Ex delivers the parts at 3pm on a Friday.

I didn't even bother getting glammed up....because the Old Mr. Uxor would have magically "forgotten" we would be going out. Or would have fussed with the parts so long the night would be shot. The plan would have been sabotaged.

I would have ended up folding laundry and watching an old DVD.

HE PUT THE PARTS ON A SHELF AND ASKED WHAT SOUNDED GOOD FOR THE NIGHT.

I brought up a movie we had both wanted to see that was finally in, we looked up times and made dinner plans.

I don't think I have ever put on my "spectacular self" so fast!

Not because I couldn't, but because that the New Mr. Uxor doesn't forget about "us" when his hobbies and interests are in front of us now is ABSOLUTELY ENERGIZING!

Our dinner plan almost went upside down...the place we wanted to go was overbooked with a group traveling through. So we contemplated what places were out of sight and out of mind out of the main weekend crowds and found seating.

We loved the movie until the last 5 minutes - terrible ending we both hated!

And in a newer, better, reconciled marriage, that doesn't mean your night is ruined, it means you bond on hating the end together!

We finished the night with wine, chocolate and ...

...the snugglings, ILUs, and sleeping with some touch or connection all night is delish. And sharing morning "knowing" smiles and comments about it all is funfunfun.

Reconciliation is hard. BUT there are people married as long as us, who never dealt with infidelity, who don't get to have nights like that anymore. They have lost track of each other.

There are people who leave their marriages due to infidelity. They move onto the new spouse/partner and life. AND they don't have nights like that, either, because they never did the work to work on themselves before they left the first marriage. They end up working on their hobby and folding laundry wondering "Why is this happening again? I thought this time would be perfect."

What Mr. Uxor and I may have is a sad and painful part of our marital history - without question. A lot of ongoing work - that will always be true.

But with the work we have done to build a better marriage, we also have what many couples will never have.

We have a marriage that is our priority, above everyone and everything else. And when we feel the tug to slide away from that, we have the tools to work back to it.

THAT is how MARRIAGE was always meant to be.

I last posted on this thread way back on page 3.

Even though we haven't acknowledged the last five anniversaries, we continue our journey together.

I posted in R on April 13th: "Nine Years Ago This Morning".

[This message edited by looking forward at 9:47 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]

Something has changed for us over the past few days. I had a pretty significant meltdown on Thursday. I really struggle with self esteem and abandonment issues. (Pretty typical child of divorce stuff.). WH’s EAs brought that out in all its terrible glory for me. All I know now is that he loves me. A man who didn’t wouldn’t have survived the dark places I’ve been since DDay. He has never defended his behavior, never tried to justify it and has held me while I’ve screamed at him and tortured myself and him for everything that’s happened. Today, I choose to accept his sorrow and regret. Today, I choose to be happy with the man I love. Today, I choose to move forward as best we can. Today, I choose to believe that God is stronger than us and stronger than anyone else who would try to harm us. It’s not to say that I won’t still have hard days sometimes and moments of doubt. I know myself well enough to know that will happen. But, today, I choose to be happy with the man who loves me and has pledged his life to me. That’s what I choose today.

This weekend is 1 year past DDay 2 and as I left my house last year for a 3 day conference, I was pretty certain that my marriage was over.

What ended up being over was her cheating. I left her with the unmistakable understanding that she could either be married or cheat, she couldn't do both. If she cheated again, contacted again or even spoke again to the other person, the marriage was over. She had to make a decision. She chose to stay married.

We are doing pretty good. She's had some medical issues that get in the way of physical intimacy, but we are likely closer than we've been in most of our 30 years of marriage.

We saw a pair of doves sitting on the powerline down the street from our house yesterday. We realize that we are like doves and are mated for life.

One year ago...

It has been 7 months of IC, MC, daily meditation, journaling, countless heart to hearts, difficult conversations, fights, days spent in bed unable to do anything but cry, dating each other, reading ALL the things, working on ourselves, holding each other accountable for the people we want to be, watching and waiting, I felt like I was ready for something more concrete.

We planned a handfasting ceremony. As is traditional, it is a marriage that will last one year and one day - at which point we can decide if we want to continue on. We each prepared our own vows, simple "I promise" statements. I embroidered a piece of silk with symbols that are meaningful to us for the actual hand tying.

I made myself a dress with a design that looks similar to the one I was married in but longer.

He wore flowers in on his lapel and I wore some in my hair. Our exchange was quick, done in the middle of the bridge at a local park.

Over the weekend on my way home from my trip with my sisters I stopped in the place we were married. Meditated holding my rings there, cried some tears. Then I brought them home and did a little purification ritual of my own devising. Then I took them to a jeweler and had them rhodium plated (they are white gold) and cleaned so they shine like they never have since I have had them (the plating wore off years ago when they were still his grandmother's).

After the vows were exchanged, we had tied our hands and kissed on the bridge, I said, "There is one more thing" I took the box out of my purse. He thought it was going to be a new ring and teared up at the sight of them. He said, "These rings have always been a symbol. Before, they meant my love for you, but now they are a symbol of the promises I have made today. I never want to give you a reason to take them off again."

We kissed again. Took some silly pictures and then went off to a fancy french restaurant for dinner. We had steak and wine and then chocolate mousse and champagne. We laughed and made doe eyes at each other.

And my rings didn't feel a bit heavy. In fact, they felt just right.

There is still a lot to do. I am still processing. He is still dealing with family of origin issues. We are still learning. But I feel good. I feel better than I have in years. And I will take it, even if the kickoff to this change was one of the shittiest things that ever happened to me.

Today...

We are celebrating our hand-fasting with renewed commitments, a favorite classic movie on the big screen and chicken wings. I am so happy with my decision to give him another chance. As hard as it has been in the past year, we have grown so much - as individuals and grown closer as a couple.

There is still work to be done - always and forever - but we are much better at communicating (our fights are less explosive, more goal oriented and we generally come to an understanding at the end), we are better at supporting each other (instead of trying to just fix whatever it is), we put our family first, we speak uncomfortable truths, we rise in times of crisis as a team. And....after 19 months, I can say our sex life is back to feeling amazing(connected and hot). I am at peace. I am happy. I am growing. He is evolving. He is engaged. He is becoming the husband I always knew he could be. (He was always involved and loving, but that connection seems much deeper now).

The affair doesn't come to mind every day any more.

I believe him when he says "I love you".

The butterflies are back.

It *is* possible sometimes to build something beautiful that is even more precious than it was before. I hope that the possibility brightens someone's day if they are struggling.