SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been watching and waiting for the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread to hit page 26...and now that I am finished writing my 5000th post...I think I will write another post to get THIS thread to it's 500th post .

Some of you may remember that I had surgery a while back. Everything went well...and I am almost all healed up...Thank You God! There is a significant scar though...and my body will never be the same. But my body is healthier now than it was before the surgery. I literally lost a part of me...but what is left is MUCH better !!!

You smart people all know where this is going . I am HEALED from the adultery my H confessed about on July 19, 2014 . Scars are still there...and every once in a while my heart aches for what "once was". But WOW...am I ever healthier than I was back then !!! WE are healthier...and LOVING LIFE!!

This was something I truly NEVER thought could happen. I mean...I was married to a MONSTER...someone who callously tossed our M aside for his own selfish desires...and left me bleeding with a gaping wound in the aftermath . The healing process was so SLOW...and sometimes very painful. I didn't WANT to do any healing...it wasn't FAIR!!! HE did this to US...and HE was going to have to mend my wounds!!! I didn't have the strength. At least...not at first.

It is a funny thing about healing. You think you will NEVER be whole again. That gaping wound keeps reminding you day after day that you are never going to be the same. You grieve over the loss you had that was done through no fault of your own. Some days you just want to DIE so the pain will stop. But you don't die...you just keep feeling the pain over and over and OVER again .

Then the scar starts to form. It is so small at first...but over time...it becomes pretty prominent . You realize you ARE healing...that there IS hope...and the corners of your lips start to move upward . With this comes the positive feelings. Maybe...SOON...you can walk again! Who knows...you might even start to run !! As the scar becomes more prominent...the gaping wound becomes less prominent...that is the JOY of healing!!!

Just like the aftermath of the A...the aftermath of the surgery put my H through tests he's never been through before. He proved to me that what I first saw as a monster...was nothing more than a broken man...who could be fixed...IF he wanted to. He wanted to . We've seen parts of each other that NO spouse should ever have to see...yet we stuck it out...TOGETHER . Our scars will always be there...but so will our LOVE !!! We truly...emphatically...passionately...LOVE one another like we have never loved each other before...and it is FABULOUS!!!

LIFE is what you make it...and we are making the BEST of it with whatever time God allows us to have . I hope everyone here can have the BEST of life also .

My husband is not a very introspective person. When Dday hit and his fantasy world came crashing down he was forced to take a hard look deep within himself. He came to realize that the validation he sought - the happiness he was seeking - was based on lies - trivialities that fed his ego but never touched the brokenness within him. He said it was like putting a bandaid on a infectious gaping wound.

We did everything wrong on Dday!. I did the pick me dance - walking on egg shells afraid to make him mad. He was still making it all about him - rugsweeping and wanting me to just get over it. When Dday2 hit I told him the marriage was over - he was free to go to her. He collapsed - told me later that as astonishing as it sounded it wasn't til that moment he truly realized what he was about to lose. When he collapsed I no longer saw a cheating monster but a broken man who had finally come to terms with the demons he had been fighting. I told him I would be there to support him if he truly wanted to work on himself - even if it meant he would decide ending the marriage was what he wanted.

That was nearly seven years ago - we did the one step forward two steps back dance. I detached - so afraid to be vulnerable - afraid of getting hurt again. I saw him put his whole being in to R - wanting to become a better husband and better man. Slowly - ever so slowly - I began to recommit - knowing that I could no longer live in limbo - either commit to the marriage or end it. I asked him if I truly committed to R what was in it for me - he said a husband who was finally free to love me with all his heart and would spend the rest of his life giving me the love and commitment I had always deserved.

We have a stronger marriage today because we are stronger as individuals. We worked on ourselves as well as the marriage. We learned from the wrong steps we took and embraced what was working for us. In the midst of the chaos and pain we never lost site of the marriage we bought wanted to rebuild.

The A now just a dark part of the fabric of our marriage. It will always be a part of our marriage - but it does not define us. What defines us is the love and committment that is our marriage now.

Five years ago, I found an email exchange between my fwh and one of the ow. At the time I didn't know much. I have never experienced such pain. After confronting my H, I spent the rest of the night curled up in the fetal position crying hysterically the rest of the rest of the night.

I told my H not to come home. Told him he would be paying for the appointment with the divorce attorney and within a couple of weeks, I had moved out.

I spiraled into what I at the time thought was insanity. I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Dissociative episodes, sucicial ideation, a couple of close calls. Started therapy immediately. It took two years tons of various therapies to start to heal.

Within 3 days of my finding the emails my H started going to SA and IC. He was diagnosed SA. He has worked hard to recover and done everything in his power to change into a good husband and take care of me.

The last 3 years have been the best years of our marriage. While there are still ups and downs, I am so grateful that we are in recovery. We are a team. We have a marriage that is everything I always wanted. We enjoy each other.

There are times when I know I will never be the same. I had several melt downs last week when caught in a snow storm in the mountains. I spent 11 hours on slick icy roads. I ended up being stuck in the snow and waited on a tow truck for three of those hours. My h spent hours on the phone with me, helping me calm down and talking me through the final drive back down the hill (well that's what we call mountains in Colorado). Where my son in law was waiting to pick me up. This experience just outlined to me how much more fragile I am now. I used to not depend on anyone. Perhaps being able to rely on my H is q good thing.

If you are new to this journey, I hope my experience brings you a ray of light. It is hard to believe that it really takes 5 years to heal. In my experience, I needed every bit of that time. I am very grateful for this site. Without hearing stories of healing, whether that was healing in R or D. I would have expected it to take a much shorter time and then beat myself up for not healing when I thought I should. Thank you to everyone who posts. Thank you for the healing library, positive reconciliation stories. And thank you for stupid picture Fridays!

There was a time I thought I wouldn’t be able to survive another day living in the nightmare that became my life when my wife told me about her infidelity. It broke me. Everything fell apart. Nothing was real anymore. I had lost my wife, my trust, my family, my sanity and my future. All I wanted to do was get drunk and think about how I could end my life.

It was terrible. But little by little we fought our way back to the light. We didn’t give up on each other nor on our marriage. We kept trying together. And God helped to alleviate the pain we were feeling as we rebuilt.

Today our union and our family is stronger than ever. I have a great job and my wife has gone back to school to work on her degree (and is making high grades). Our son is 11 and our daughter will turn one in a few days. Plus we just learned that we have another baby on the way. That’s right - my baby girl is going to be a big sister!

Life is golden. I can’t think of a more positive reconciliation than God has given me. My wife is remorseful, affectionate, honest, loving, smart, a great cook, and sexy as hell and we are so close. My kids are amazing little people and being their father fills me with joy. I’m killing it at work and wouldn’t be surprised if my recent request for a bonus or salary increase will be approved. And I’ve decided to join an early morning running club!

I’m living the f*cking dream. There IS life after infidelity.

Stopping by to read the new positive reconciliation stories and to check in on old friends. Sometimes the urge to just give a snapshot summary of what R means to me is strong. Like today!

I started this completely unexpected and unwanted journey about 5-1/2 years ago. Gutted, devastated, complete and total meltdown. How could anyone recover after suffering what we all suffer on DDay and its aftermath? But we do! Bit by bit, day by day, moment by moment. Small victories like "just one day without crying" followed by "just one week without tearing into him" followed by "wow! it's been a month and we haven't had one fight about the A!".

I can close to calling it quits many times. The pain was too much, my brain would not allow me to settle into the peace of mind I desperately needed. I ruminated, I obsessed. He tried very hard and has done some good work on himself. He jumped into R with both feet and a willingness to carry me as often and as far as I needed, if only I would give him and us a chance. In that way I feel I was lucky. I had a truly remorseful WS, which I know is quite different than what we often read about here on SI. But even with one who was doing all he could to help me and to fix himself, it wasn't always enough.

But over the years of constant and continuous work toward improvement we have finally reached the other side of this thing called surviving infidelity (years of IC for him; 3 differnt MCs for us (one fired us!), 4 (or was it 5?) ICs for me. Things I never thought I'd forget are now distant memories, some have disappeared completely. What once seemed so consuming and important is now of little consequence. We are back to our routines, new routines, including much healthier ways of interacting with one another (our was a story of a toxic pre-A marriage).

I stop by SI occasionally to read and catch up, but I don't post as much anymore, seeing that others are stepping in to offer help and provide the support that we all so desperately need when we're still working toward healing and recovery. If I were to summarize some of what I've learned from SI and from my experience it would be this:

Do not attempt to R with someone who is not interested or invested in R with you. If your partner is still involved with the AP or tells you they "need time to figure out what they want" that's a sign (to me at least) that R is not in your best interest. Only put effort and time into R if your partner wants it more than you do. Because when you feel like giving up, it will be up to them to pull you through.

It is also important to take care of yourself and your children and remember that as toxic as your M may have been, as "bad" of a spouse you may have been (or fill in the excuse of your choice), the decision to cheat lies totally on the cheater. They had choices. And cheating was the one they decided upon. That is entirely on them and don't let them try to convince you otherwise. I have seen way too many BS doubt themself and believe that had they been different, looked different, whatever, then this would not have happened. That is not true. It happened because the cheater decided that cheating was what they wanted to do. Plain and simple.

But knowing that, some cheaters realize when they are caught that they were wrong for choosing to cheat. It's too late to take it back, but they can try to turn things around by "fixing their shit" and working at R with everything they have. Those are the cheaters worth giving a chance to. But even then, there's no shame in deciding R just isn't right for you. It's not for everyone. And choosing it does not make you any better than someone who chooses not to try R, or tries and decides it's not for them. We each have to find our own way through this. And one size will not fit all.

And SI is an excelling place to come to learn about infidelity, learn about reconciliation, share our successes and failures, get advice, rant, cry, whatever it is we need. I credit SI with helping me find my way through R. I have learned a lot that I might not have figured out on my own. This community has a very special place in my heart, and in my recovery.

Yes, my story is a positive reconciliation story. My story is that R is possible. My story is that you can survive this, and even use this unthinkable tragedy to make improvements in yourself and in your M. We may not like how we got here, but for someone like me, I needed this kick in the ass to make some changes. And for that I am grateful. Wishing you peace.

I just posted this in R forum. I figured I'd post here too... It feels good to have a positive outlook to share.

Hi all, it's been a while.

I had to take a step back from SI for a while. I was here too much and I felt like it was overwhelming me.

It's been over a year since my WH's final disclosure that he'd had a PA along with the online and emotional As that I'd known about. At first I didn't think we'd actually make it this far, but here we are.

I'm coming back to post because I had a realization the other night, and I hope it may bring some hope to others dealing with the nightmare that this can be. Things do get better. This may be long, but bear with me.

I'm sure I'm not alone when I say I'm stressed lately. So, I had to go to the ER in the middle of March. Due to new precautions that had just been put in place, he was not allowed to come in with me. I had a horrible experience that I can't even begin to put into detail. Suffice it to say that the staff were not nice, compassionate or empathetic. I was told by the Covid hotline in my area to contact my PCP because I met the criteria for testing. My PCP agreed, but said I had to be tested for flu and strep first. They advised me to go to the ER for that, since their office would only wind up sending me there for testing eventually. They were trying to limit my exposure in the community. Well, the ER staff acted like I was trying to steal all of their narcotics when I explained my situation. Mind you, I had a horrible cough, my chest HURT, I had a fever AND I work in a health care setting. The hospital staff were absolutely awful, had me hysterical and crying by the time they finally did the test and let me leave FIVE HOURS after my flu and strep tests came back negative. (Covid was also negative)

Well, what has this all got to do with infidelity you ask? I wanted him with me. I was sick. I was scared. I wasn't being heard. I was being treated harshly... and I wanted my H with me. Once it was all over, I started to think about how much I have been turning to him for comfort lately. By lately, I mean in the last two months. It's noticeable I guess because the last few months have been VERY stressful for us. But it's also noticeable for me because I wasn't comfortable leaning on him emotionally before February. I thought things would get dramatically better in October when we moved out of the neighborhood where the A took place, but turns out it all came with us to the new place. But then a few months later, we hit a sweet spot.

In February we took a trip to get away. It's something we started a few years ago to create new memories around Dday 1 (2/10) While we were away we had a conversation that at that point was just getting old for me, rehashing the questions and fears, and hurts that I've been dealing with for years. He answered every question. We talked it through over and over and over until the early hours of the morning, like we'd done before. And then somehow, I was done. It's not like it was the first time we'd had that talk. It's not the first time I've gotten the answers I got. I think somehow, it just settled. His manner helped. He's better at getting to the heart of what I'm saying or asking now than he ever was before. That's his therapy working. It's not like I have been trigger free since then. But when I hit a trigger, I mention it like before, he responds about the same as he had been for the last year. But now I'm done. I get it out, get past it and don't have the angst and pain I'd had before. I am healing.

We are now a part of a great church, even though it's all online at the moment. We have a great support group and some of our friends know our history. We have been spending so much time together doing fun things, church things, sometimes fun church things. We're working on ourselves separately. We're working on our intimacy and marriage together. We're healing. Our marriage is finally healing.

Again, it's not like the A never comes up. We're not rug sweeping. We're just tackling it together when it does and moving forward. Sometimes issues come up that are just relationship issues. Previously any relationship discussion was infiltrated by the hurt from the A. Now we tackle just the relationship issue and keep moving.

It's hard to put into words how that healing feels, but it's like a physical injury that you know is getting better because it hurts less and you notice it less.

I've also noticed a significant change in the bedroom. We always had great sex. We connect well in that department. We both enjoy and explore each other freely. But since February, there's a new intimacy growing in the bedroom. Again, hard to put into words, but it's pretty amazing. That is probably due to our communication outside the bedroom becoming deeper and more intimate.

Anyhow, I will post this in Positive R stories as well. I just wanted to pop in to give some of you some hope today. It really can get better. There is healing. I'm sure that his A will always be there, but now instead of an open infected wound that just hurts all the time and consumes you with it's constant ache, I have a scar and some twinges of pain that come and go.

We were planning on attending a Marriage retreat this month, but obviously with the Coronavirus that's all cancelled. It's okay though because we are mindful and actively working on us.

I hope you all are well, and stay well during this very trying time.

Bump

I don’t know what percentage of couples who experience infidelity are able to turn the devastation into a new opportunity. All I know is that this incredible forum — and this thread in particular — informed me that the seemingly impossible is actually possible.

If you’re new here, please understand, hope and love are not enough. It takes a tremendous amount of work and patience to rebuild the relationship from the foundation up.

Infidelity literally breaks the deal. The promises, and the vows are obliterated.

There isn’t any way around it.

If you are at a crossroads, and are not sure what do to, here is a part of my path back from Hell.

First rule of reconciliation is, you cannot save your spouse, they have to save themselves.

The second rule is, and this time with emphasis, you cannot save your spouse. They have to extricate themselves from whatever rationalizations and bullshit they used to step outside the marriage. If they own their poor choices and begin to work on their issues, whatever they are, it’s good initial step.

The third rule is, you’re in charge of healing yourself. No one knows how the marriage will turn out, the only guarantee is that you will survive regardless of the outcome. Know your value. When you remember and understand how amazing you are, your strength, your swagger returns.

I know people stay for all kinds of reasons, and I respect those reasons, but for me, the only real reason to stay is to build a better marriage.

How can it be better?

The old deal is broken. Make a new deal. A better deal.

You and your spouse know, whatever the marriage was, no matter how good or bad it seemed to be — something or someone was broken.

The rebuild is a chance to heal it all.

I like the word restoration more than reconciliation anyway.

That’s how you get a better deal. Restore your value, your spouse restores their value to themselves, and that’s a good second step.

Starting the relationship over with someone who hates the idea they hurt you helps in unique ways. There is a level of radical honesty, a concept I hadn’t even heard about before, to take the place of the old roles and games couples sometimes play. Bad communication is replaced with two people sharing their genuine feelings. The manipulations and bad compromises tend to vanish when two people choose to give instead of take.

None of this requires amnesia or pretending horrible shit didn’t happen. The fact that we always KNOW how miserable infidelity is, serves as a constant reminder of misery neither of us wants to experience again.

Fundamentally, we’re either with a good person who chose bad, or a bad person being their normal selves. I contend the majority of WS are inherently good human beings who betrayed themselves as much as they did us.

At the end of the day, infidelity is a trauma, I think it’s the emotional equivalent of being hit by a train. But we recover from it, like we do from every other horrible trauma in life.

I can hate what happened and still love the person my wife is today.

On my end, I did offer grace, but I can tell you it didn’t always look or feel like that through my anger and pain. It took a couple years to really understand what offering grace means. The temptation to punish was there, but there is no way to balance the scale of injustice. There is no way to make up for lost time either. That said, it sure is a joy with two people being all in who try and make up for lost time anyway.

Love, kindness, and telling each other everything is what we originally signed up for. I wish it didn’t take disaster for us to find this new deal, but it sure is worth the work we put in.

I used to think marriage was about compromise, about what we have to sacrifice of ourselves and give up to placate the other person. That was no way to live. It turned out marriage is about wanting to give, wanting to share and taking care of the other person who is doing the same for you. In a real relationship, we don’t have to compromise anything of ourselves.

I get to really be me in this new deal.

And my wife is loved for who she is.

Both of us are flawed, yet both of us continue to learn how to be better humans.

I do love that we don’t allow the horrors of the past define us.

Actually, I find it strange that people look for defining moments, good or bad. We’re the total sum of all that we do, presumably with more adventures and accomplishments to go.

We can’t ever control what happened, but we absolutely control how we respond to adversity. Focus on you, the good in you and if you’re trying to rebuild a marriage, allow your spouse some room to find a better version of themselves.

We’ve started our fifth year of the rebuild. Every single morning since discovery, we start the day with a cuddle. Every. Single. Day. We cuddle up and simply hold other. Sure, sometimes it leads to play time, but mostly, it’s a quiet moment to literally hold on and appreciate the fact we held on through stuff we never expected to go through. Then we talk about anything that needs covered. From recovery issues to meal plans, we start the day on the same page. And we still love our individual space and time too, it’s just how the days start in this new deal.

Tl;dr

Reconciliation ain’t ever easy, but it is possible.

WTBHA this is for you:)

I just passed my 4 year dday antiversary, which happens to be all wrapped in my birthday and tomorrow is the day they first had sex. These days used to bring me to so much pain. I am a numbers person and I would constantly think of them and dread them, sometimes even months in advance. This year, I was and still am good.

To me, the biggest part of my reconciliation was healing myself. I am so much stronger now than I used to be. My WH made up a huge part of my identity before - I always wanted to be the best wife, make him happy, give him the best sex, be attractive for him, so when dday came - I was just lost. I didn’t know what to do with myself. If what I was doing was not enough, what else could I possibly do? I did a lot of self destructive things. Finally I started to realize his affair was not about me. This was a weakness in him, he was not the perfect person I always thought he was. This is where my healing began.

My WH had to work on his conflict avoidance, overall communication and defensiveness. He had to learn that when I voiced my feelings, it wasn’t a personal attack. We both have pretty crazy FOO.

When I look back and see how far we have come, I am truly in awe. We are a team and we are equal and we communicate. This year especially he was aware of all of my trigger days and just that alone, helped me so that they are barely on radar. It’s terrible how we got here, but I really do see a beautiful future for us if we both keep working on ourselves.

I can’t stress enough that if you do decide to reconcile - figure out if your WS is worth the chance, and then once you’ve healed a bit, you and your WS figure out what you want from your marriage. Make some short and long term goals together, and go for it. Be a team again. Only do this if your WS is all in.

P.S Look into attachment theory, it’s really eye opening.

13th d-day anniversary was yesterday. Just checking in to say it was a non-event but I didn’t want to ignore the day because chances are, it was on H’s mind.

So, I left him a card with a short, loving note for him to find when he came downstairs for his coffee in the morning. I called to check on him during the day, he was fine. Gave him an extra hug when he got home from work. I really just wanted him to know that I was acknowledging his pain, while not dwelling on it. Basically leaving the door open if he needed to bring it up or talk about anything.

That’s it! 13 years, so hard to believe it when while we were going through it, it was such an arduous journey. But, we made it. We’re good. Life is good.

Stay safe, stay healthy. Virtual hugs to my SI family.

I just posted this in R forum but wanted to share it here too. Things keep getting better...

Hi all,

I haven't been here for a long time. Between working on our M, working from home and getting a new job in the middle of all of this, together with other life things (family, church, my 501c3) it's just been crazy. But I wanted to stop in to let you all know that R is possible.

WH and I have been very focused on our healing. He's been focused on his own inner work, as have I. We've also been working on healing the M. It's a process and all three aspects are separate and critical to our success.

I realized this weekend that we've hit a new point in our healing, which is what I wanted to share, so bear with me. I'll try to keep it short, but I'm Irish...

I have some serious PTSD around guns from an incident in my childhood. This is something I've been wanting to confront and tackle for a while now. We have been talking about taking some gun safety courses so I can determine if I can get comfortable with having a gun around. At the very least I'd like to gain the skills to safely handle as I think that could calm some of the PTSD. It's that "being in control" thing I guess.

Anyhow, FWH starts talking to his friends about us looking for information, which turns into them talking about going to a shooting range to get an idea of what it's like to shoot a gun and what type of gun a beginner should look for etc. Well I instantly start panicking. All I'd been talking about was a gun safety course and all of a sudden he's talking about shooting and buying one. He assures me that he's not going to buy one without me being 100% on board with it, but even the shooting range is too much for my PTSD and I'm getting sick to my stomach.

** a bit of history - my ExH said the same thing and one day came home with a pellet gun without caring how I felt about it. Both ExH and FWH used to override my feelings and do whatever they wanted. In that instance ExH insisted it wasn't a real gun so it didn't count - regardless of the fact that my PTSD didn't discriminate. It looked like a real gun and he killed animals with it so.... **

So here we are, sitting on our patio having a discussion about his plans to go to a shooting range. We're both feeling frustrated but communicating calmly (this has also been a big growth spot for us over the last few years). I'm trying to explain that I just want to take the safety course first and decide if there's a next step, and he's already jumped to the next step. He doesn't understand how HIM going to a shooting range is triggering my PTSD and feelings of helplessness. I do agree that the guys he wants to go with are all trustworthy where their guns are concerned and I believe them to be safe people, but I'm still feeling nauseous and shaky about it. Then all of a sudden it happens. He looks at me and says that even though he doesn't understand it, he'll hold off until I feel comfortable with it. He won't go to the shooting range yet. He'll take the safety course with me and then we'll discuss my comfort level with the next steps. Our conversation moved on in other directions but I had to keep going into the house because I was overwhelmed to the point of tears.

About an hour later as we were back in the house and relaxing I was finally able to explain the tears to him and say thank you. He put my comfort level ahead of something he really wanted without trying to manipulate me or make me feel guilty, or that I was holding him back somehow. (all of those were normal parts of our conversations in our M pre A.)

This may not seem A related, but it really is for us. He used to just do whatever he wanted regardless of the consequences to me, our M, our family, or our finances. This time he put my feelings first. He showed me that I can feel safe with him.

Also, I ran into a friend of ours at the beach on Sunday. FWH and I didn't talk a lot about the A back when it was discovered but some close friends knew. Her H is part of group of FWH's friends that generally knew about his A after D-Day, but when I made a comment relating to our separation she looked at me funny. All of a sudden it hit me that she and I hadn't interacted much that year for other reasons and she was clueless. I explained briefly and we discussed it some. Later as I was relaying this to FWH it occurred to me... it didn't hurt. It simply didn't hurt like it used to. I was okay discussing it and didn't feel the gut wrenching pain or the nausea that I used to... not even a little triggery... Healing is happening.

Today, by the grace of God our M is better and stronger than it ever was. Looking back our M was shallow. Today we are much more honest and authentic with each other, no more masks (except for the Covid ones ) . We are vulnerable with each other. We continue to work to build a healthy M, which isn't something we really understood before.

So for those of you wondering if it's worth it to go through this hell on wheels roller coaster ride... IF your WS is willing to do the inner work - which is REALLY HARD, and you're both willing to work on the M - I say YES! It's one of the hardest things I've EVER done, but it's worth it.

OH, and be patient. This is NOT a quick process!

Just going to go ahead and put this here

I was just going to do an update, but as I’m rarely around these days and there are sadly an unending stream of new people who have joined our club, I thought a review was in order.

A lot has changed since I came here in 2016, beaten down, heart broken, hopeless and breathing solely because I have two children who needed their mother. In that first month I dropped 20 lbs, developed dark circles and ulcers. I broke out in a rash from stress. I went to the bathroom at work at least twice a day to hide and cry. I was so weak with fatigue and stress and newly emerging autoimmune reactions at one point that my doctor tested me for mono. I was certain I was going to be fired from the job I hated but definitely needed because I was about 75% sure I was going to get a divorce. There are multiple weeks I can’t even remember. All I did for hours was lay in my bed watching The Office on my laptop. I’d get to the series finale and immediately start it over. I don’t know how many times I watched that show laying on my side, my chest hollowed out from grief and tears.

Despite this. Here is what I did in that first year: 2016/17

* On DDay when I found the incriminating text messages, I walked calmly into the living room where I had left my computer and I found a custody agreement template online. I started filling it out. My husband walked into the room when I was about 2/3 of the way done and asked me what I was working on. I asked him if he had something to tell me that I should know. He tried to act like he didn’t know what I was talking about but I just quietly and calmly repeated myself once and he broke down and started telling me everything in summary. Once he was done, I told him I was working on a custody agreement and let him know I would not fight him. That if he was in love with her, he should absolutely go be with her. I would be fine. - To this day I have no idea how I did this, I just switched off and my autopilot was cool as a cucumber, calm - This frightened my husband more than any amount of yelling could have. He sent the OW a text message saying “we are done, this is over” and commenced begging for a chance to keep me.

* I did my work, I did it well enough to stay in good standing at my office. Good enough to build on later.

* Went through IC, I did EMDR, somatic experiencing, talk therapy and took medication to even myself out.

* I read everything I could get my hands on and built up my support network. I worked on myself, rebuilding my self esteem and slowly finding joy through time with the kids.

* Survived the holidays, a funeral and family tragedies all without falling completely apart

* Volunteered 80 hours at a local charity

* I watched and I learned. I gave my husband time to prove himself to me, after about 5 months of his solid rebuilding efforts, I gave him one year. One year to work on being worthy of me and then I’d reassess.

* Purchased a car in my name

* Began my own savings account

In year two: 2017/18

* I taught myself a new skill, got an internship using that skill at my company and was awarded tuition to a local program where I could improve those skills.

* I graduated from the program and moved into a permanent position at that company, full time in my new career.

* I graduated from IC and we were moved to “as needed” in MC

* Started to feel more at ease in my city again

* Worked on Non-Violent Communication (still fighting a LOT)

* Started having some bonding experiences (romantic trips, new joint hobbies, projects, deep talks)

* Began tentatively celebrating holidays with more joy

* Continued volunteering and started teaching others

* Gave my husband another year of marriage so that he could continue to work to deserve me based on the concrete changes I had seen so far.

In year three: 2018/19

* I got a new job which doubled the salary I was making the year of the affair. On Dday I was making half the money my husband did. When I got this position I bumped ahead of him in pay. For the first time I felt secure in the fact that if I needed to I could leave and I would not have to worry about affording my own place or all of the things the kids needed.

* This was a year of reclaiming, I took back many things this year and made them my own. Somethings on my own. We made a lot of new memories together.

* We both got more practiced at NVC, our fights were rarer and calmer

* Happily, willingly celebrated Valentine’s Day and our anniversary for the first time since Dday

* Began a new health plan with my doctor and started seeing big improvements in my autoimmune issues

* Started dedicating serious time to what makes me most happy, picking up old beloved hobbies, hiking, swimming, spending time with friends

* Was so busy being happy, I totally forgot to do the renewal ceremony, oops I guess that means I’ve decided to keep him for now

Year 4 was 2019/20 so of course this year was wildly different than the ones before it, as everyone’s was. I did some cool stuff this year:

* Big promotion at work, with a nice raise, working on a team I adore and doing things I am genuinely interested in

* Actually, no joke, super content and happy staying home with my husband and kids

* Completed a big home project that make our house a joy to stay in

* Spent lots of time as a family together: outdoors, playing music, swimming, playing board games and watching movies

* Found that my husband is very creative and inventive when date night locations are limited (writing me poetry, writing me songs, candle lit dinners complete with full themed playlists and fancy food, long intimate walks, late night movie marathons with popcorn and ice cream)

* We tend to have discussions rather than fights. Our discussions can be heated but they are never mean spirited, they don’t generally get loud, we don’t go up against one another. Now it is us vs the miscommunication - us vs the problem, us vs whatever is wrong

* No mind movies at all

* Minimal triggers (I think I’ve had 2 that I would call episodes in the entire year)

* We lean into each other, we talk to one another early if something is bothering us.

Today marks the beginning of Year 5. I used to think back when I first heard the whole 2-5 years to heal thing that 5 years out was an eternity but now I’m like, that’s so reasonable. Infidelity is trauma, it creates deep wounds that leave scars that are never gone.

The timeline looks different for everyone and it depends on SO MANY variables. I think I had a smoother path because I was not gaslit (I always knew exactly where he was and for how long, I just assumed they were working - oh so trusting!), I was not made to compete (she was dropped immediately), I had one Dday where everything came out, there was no broken contact, she moved hundreds of miles away shortly after Dday, there was no blame shifting - he owned it from the first minute and never said otherwise, he never claimed that he wasn’t in love with me, he told the OW in writing several times that he loved me and didn’t want to leave me during the affair that I saw, no evidence that he ever said a negative word about me or the kids, on and on. If it weren’t for the double betrayal and that it was 6 months I would say I was a best case scenario. My WH jumped into doing the sincere, hard, life altering work the moment I found out and hasn't let up yet.

4 years later I can bring up the affair anytime it comes to mind and all I get is support and love. 4 years later my husband still lives in gratitude that he got another chance with me, one he knows he did not deserve, and thanks me regularly for it. (At least once a week he will come and find me in the house and hold on to me and thank me profusely for being in his life) 4 years later and his triggers are far more numerous and deeper than mine, but we can talk about them as they come.

I can tell you that my marriage today looks normal. Actually, better than normal. I have friends who are envious of the ease my spouse and I have together, the way that we are so attuned to the moods of the other, how we are always doing kind things to help the other one, the way my husband cooks more than I ever have (and is FAR superior at it truth be told), of how close we are as a family. People often want to tell me how lucky I am, but I always correct them. I am not lucky, everything I have in my marriage today is the result of a whole lot of work, countless tears, sleepless nights, therapy and two people committed to giving it our best shot.

I am in love with my husband and I like him too. I’m proud of who he is today. I’m glad I gave him a chance and he saw it as a chance and a gift and has exceeded my expectations every single day so far.

My top tips for anyone suffering trauma from infidelity:

* NURSE method as a set of rules:

* NOURISHMENT - eat well, enough - when you can’t eat solid food do smoothies, meal replacement shakes, canned soup, whatever you can do to get good calories in. It makes a huge difference in your ability to deal with hard emotions

* UNDERSTANDING - have people you can talk to about the hard stuff, people you can be authentic with. I suggest a personal therapist to make it through this but also have at least a couple of trusted friends and of course SI is always here for you. Some of my biggest cheerleaders are from this site. Like someone’s writing style? Feel like you have things in common? DM them!

* REST - sleep is super vital, but trauma induced insomnia is real. Even if you can’t actually sleep, make sure you take time to lie down alone in a comfortable room unplugged from upsetting things or social media. Give yourself the room to recover.

* SPIRITUALITY - connect to something larger than yourself, be it religion, meditation, volunteerism or all of the above. Realizing there is more to life than what is happening in your house is so valuable.

|* EXERCISE - any movement is going to release endorphins and they will save your life. Some days all I could manage was a 15 minute slow walk around the block in my sweatpants but you know I always felt better when I moved. Find a thing you love and do it. Make it as easy for yourself as possible

* Take your time, there’s no rush. You can leave at any point, for any reason. Some days I have stayed married simply because my husband is useful to our household and that was okay

* Focus on yourself, no one can heal you

Thanks for reading this novel, if you got this far. I hope you are all staying healthy and are prioritizing your healing ❤️

My story and reasons to remarry on our 23rd wedding anniversary.

2014 wh called ow "because it was Friday and we talked on Fridays." Talked for about 30 minutes. Picked me up after work and we went on a motorcycle trip to a B n B. First time I had a agreed to an overnight motorcycle trip. At dinner he was distracted at first, but then as usual he jumped back into our m and at the time, I thought nothing of it. We had a great weekend, 17th Anniversary and trip. The week after I was traveling and he spent more time on the phone with ow than ever before. I discovered this A several months later in February of 2015. That is, of course, how I now know the phone call details.

2015 - on our 18th anniversary. I did not want to celebrate but I did very much want a distraction. After discussing plans with MC and determing how to keep ourselves safe, we went to Cancun. I was still very much a mess from my mental breakdown due to his SA and infidelity. He was working hard at recovery but was still pretty wonky himself. At the time, I had not made the decision to R or D. I was in limbo. I was so glad we made the decision to have this distraction. It did a couple of things for me. 1. It helped me a little to not be completely obsessed with the details from the year before. 2. We created new positive memories.

On our 19th anniversary I was at inpatient treatment.

On our 20th anniversary we had a low key dinner and went to Cabo a couple of months later.

On our 21st anniversary, I was working in the mountains so he joined me and we took another motorcycle trip.

Sometime during this 4th year out we started talking about renewing our vows. While still legally married, I felt the minute he was unfaithful he divorced me. He asked me to remarry him. At that time, I wanted to get remarried on a different date, perhaps 6 months from the anniversary date. I also wanted to start wearing my wedding ring, which I had not worn since d-day. But I didn't want to wear the old ring the way it was. I wanted it upgraded. The old m, had some really great things. Just like the old wedding rings were beautiful. So, we talked and saved to have the ring upgraded with a new diamond and an anniversary band.

On our 22nd anniversary, just a low key dinner.

This year we had planned to go to cancun in May to celebrate the 30 60 party. Our youngest turned 30 and I turned 60.

Well, covid 19 and the trip was moved to over our 23rd anniversary. God does for me what I can't do for myself. So, I told my fwh that we could remarry on our anniversary. This brought him to tears. He was grateful that I was willing to make our anniversary the special day. He took me to the jewelry store where we picked out a new (bigger) diamond 💎 and the anniversary band.

We remarried on our 23rd wedding anniversary with the daughters we raised and our one son in law. It could not have been more perfect and beautiful. Sunset on the beach ⛱ 💙. With the most important people in our lives to witness. So very grateful for recovery and the M we have today.

Thank you. I need these stories

I haven't been on this site in more than 10 years. But I wanted to come back on today, the 15th anniversary of the discovery of my husband's affairs, to post an update.

My husband and I are still married and we are doing extremely well. We will celebrate our 27th anniversary in December. It's been a long road, a not-always-easy road, but we have done our best to work through it.

We made a lot of changes to our marriage over the years, most importantly working to put our marriage first, above everything else in our lives. We have date nights, we go shopping together (I go to Home Depot and he goes to the hobby store with me to shop for yarn), we always go to bed together, and a million other things too long to list.

I'm not going to say it's been a piece of cake, because it's been hard. It still hits me out of the blue sometimes, the fact that my husband cheated on me, and I'll struggle to keep my emotions in check. My decision to stay with my husband caused a rift between my mother and I. We have not spoken for more than 8 years because of it.

Some times I wonder if I made the right decision, then he'll lean over and kiss me, tell me he loves me for no reason at all, or do something really sweet out of the blue and I know I did the right thing.

I don't regret staying with him for one minute.

Life is fantastic! 3 months and 10 days after DD2 I found peace and back on new/or now somewhat new path I set for my H and myself in Sep 2019! Sure, it was hard but so rewarding work digging into depth of esoteric knowledge during those overwhelming 3+ months.

We (or should I say "I") are now ready for our 30 years anniversary next year! Sails are ready, and we look forward to become somewhat empty nesters when our child starts college next year.

And I'm grateful that I finally saved my best friend from infidelity path this year. Obsession and addiction that lasted couple years are over . Knowledge of truth is a real power! Yes, it is esoteric and not main stream, but it saves sanity and lives. I wish I figured the process earlier, but my H's A's helped me to perfect it! Out of misery and distress always comes something good!

Everyone has their own path in life... and Love, happiness, and peace are right here with those who we meant to be with.

Five years and I’m looking forward rather than backward. It is possible to be relieved of the dark cloud that infidelity brings. The awful trauma that comes with a betrayal deeper than life itself – when your spouse breaks their vows and disregards the life built together to gain some instant gratification. It sounds so simple, but its impact is so great.

While the trauma is now part of the fabric of my being, so are the constructs associated with its recovery, which have made me a new and better version of myself. So many things changed post-infidelity. So many setbacks have ensued as well. And with every setback came a gift – a set of unprocessed emotions that required me to look harder and deeper to gain back a healthier version of myself. With it comes a heck of a lot of strength that seemed so illusive in those first months and years. It seems as if we will never be okay and the feelings of doubt and pain that come with being so disregarded are so prescient making it seem impossible for them to ever dwindle.

I’m here to give hope – lots of hope. It is true that everything is different now. But with time I’ve learned to appreciate the difference. It isn’t that I’m grateful for infidelity – quite the opposite. I still wish it never happened but can accept that it has and can drive towards a different life that is more real, more honest, more mindful, and more rewarding. This is my post infidelity life and it is for me, for all of us, to (eventually) enjoy. If your WS also does the work then perhaps you can drive forward together.

Use the despair you feel now as a call to action. Leverage the great therapists out there who not only understand you, but who challenge you to tap those difficult emotions that are scary beyond words. Through this process your healthier self will emerge. Don’t back away from the pain – it will only eat you up alive. Confront it, confront your truths, be real with your spouse no matter how difficult the words and emotions. Many times I was 100% sure I would not stay in my M. I knew it and my WS knew it. The pain and the barrenness too much to accept left both of us drained and isolated. That’s what we needed though – we needed to be with ourselves, alone with our emotions, real with each other, and in various stages of therapy to get ourselves readjusted to something different.

I don’t need the rear-view mirror because it is always with me and already showing me the road traveled is mine to drive forward. Please know this is likely some of the most difficult work you will ever do. Don’t minimize your need to work on yourself – rather than your M or your spouse – in the beginning. You are worth it and when this trauma is processed you can forge ahead in any manner that suits you best. Then you can work on relating to each other. At the five year mark this anti-versary is much more of a blip than a take down. It is a reminder however, of the outcome we just cannot control.

I wish you well in your journey. Don’t stop trying to get better. It is worth it. The pain does subside and you will be happy again.

Copying this post to this thread for W2BHA's Christmas present.

I’ve read several posts lately that have made me sad. Some that have made me a little angry. On reading these posts I’ve had an immediate urge to respond. I’ve actually typed a bunch of words and then erased. Because I understand that these posters are in a place of pain, and they are writing about their reality.

It stings a bit when I read someone’s opinion that R is, indeed not impossible at least extremely unlikely. But I understand that. Statistics and numbers can seem overwhelming. But what really cuts and gets under my skin is when they go on to opine that the BSs in R are living in abuse, living in pain, lying to themselves and everyone else. That our Ms are always going to be “less than.” BS will always sleep with one eye open and never trust fully.

Our story is ours. And we don’t lie anymore. Not to ourselves, not to each other. And not to the people around us. That’s who we strive to be. We’re not perfect but make amends when we fail each other or someone else.

We spent 14 years hurting each other. Lying about different stuff. We hurt each other and we hurt our children. He had multiple As. I had an addiction to opioids that almost landed me in prison and should have killed me. I got sober in the 12th year of our M. And the 15th year was when we fell apart, tried to put it back together (false R) and then blew it up completely. We S for real and I continued in my IC as I saw myself healing alone. JM stayed in IC and I was glad because I wanted him to be functional for our sons. What I didn’t imagine was that he would do the work of tearing himself down to the ground and building on a new foundation. That foundation was a faith that was the most important thing in my life. He pursued me as a man who had placed his faith in the same God I follow. And he showed me over and over that his transformation was like at the molecular level.

And so I entrusted my heart to him again. We renewed our vows on our 15th anniversary. We both continued with IC and restarted MC as well. We learned ways of communicating that are healthy and productive. We became members of a Christian ministry that challenges us, rewards us and brings us closer together. He cherishes me and lets me know in every language. He maintains my car so I’m always safe and have enough gas. He leaves me cards or love notes. One of my favorites is when he makes me lunch and writes a note on the napkin he folds and puts in my lunch box. Sometimes, out of the blue, he will repeat an amazing act of service/physical touch that he surprised me with early in our R. I came home from work and he asked me to close my eyes. He guided me to our room and to a chair he’d set up. Kept my eyes closed. Then he gently took off my shoes and socks, and placed my feet in a basin of very warm, soapy water with rose petals.

He washed my feet. Tenderly. And he talked to me, telling me how much he loved me, how grateful he was to have the chance to be with me, how sorry he was for hurting me so many times. He wept and his tears fell on my feet. Those of you who share the same faith or have read the Bible may understand how deeply this affected me. I was reminded of two of the most powerful images in the gospels— Jesus washing His disciples’ feet and Mary Magdalene washing Jesus’ feet with her own tears and her own hair.

I trust this man with no reservation. He is the spiritual leader in our home. I am safe with him. My heart is safe with him. We struggle, with health and with finances. But we are happy. We are blessed and contented.

I know that this could not have happened if he had not been remorseful and had not been willing to do the work that he did. And I also want to make it clear that I know some Ms cannot be R’ed and indeed should not be.

But our story is true. It’s real. And it is absolutely possible. Even in a serial cheating situation. With drug abuse and alcohol abuse and years of dishonesty. It’s still possible.

My BW and I are now just over 5 years out from D-Day, and we are firmly working on R and our M every day. It sounds so cliche, but our M is much better and stronger now than it was before my A, but that is where we find ourselves.

In the years leading up to my A we had a rough time with loss of several family members, a special needs son, my BW's anxiety and depression, and my growing depression (that I refused to acknowledge because I am a man and that is a weakness, blah, blah). So our M was firmly on the rocks. We were miserable, not communicating and treating our M like a business. We forgot to tend to our M.

Around the same time my volunteering with sports coaching, scouts, school boards was wrapping up and all the ego kibbles I was getting dried up.

Biggest regret I have is not talking to my BW back then. I just didn't communicate. I was too afraid to open a dialogue. I convinced myself she didn't love me anymore as part of my slow steady slide into an A.

I give you this abbreviated background to understand the single biggest secret I discovered - communicate!

D-Day came, I had already ended my A, but was too chickenshit to tell my BW without trying to figure out how to control the narrative. Again not communicating. Well, my AP took care of that by going nuclear on my BW, I guess she figured I would crawl back if she blew up my M.

At that moment I just started to spill forth the facts and I had my own Grinch moment when my BW showed me she rally did love me, and I grew a brain (and a heart too).

Two critical things happened in the immediate apocalyptic post D-Day world we were thrust into. We both discovered how to really communicate with each other, and I actually went to IC and MC and accepted that I needed to work on a lot of things about me.

My BW still loved me.

After all the shit I did and how I betrayed her.

Man, I cried. Still do today when I think about that. She still loved me.

That was my motivation. It took me better part of a year, well maybe more like 2 or 3, to really start to understand why I had an affair, although there was so much more behind that too.

Regret. Oh boy I have tons. More each year.

I will say I was floored by my BW. She showed more patience, and mercy than I would have believed was possible. In addition as R started to look more and more solid my BW took time to also acknowledge that she needed to make changes to make our M succeed.

R became a path we were taking together and it intertwined with working on our M.

I had a lot of changes to make, to become fully and truly open and honest was hard. I also had to work on communicating effectively. Trust takes time to rebuild, and I consciously work at that even today.

We also refocused our lives. We fell in love again. We take the time to communicate, to go on dates, to be together. I wish I were this man years ago. I am thankful my BW gave me the chance to recover with her.

My BW struggled for the first 3 years after D-Day. She really did take the harder path - to stay and work on R and M. She made the effort, I suppose in part because she saw I was making the effort too.

One day last year my BW brushed off a minor Incident that I felt bad about and she said that she doesn't feel so triggered anymore. That she has moved on so to speak. She also is quick to always call me out when she sees I am getting withdrawn or quiet - to get me to communicate, and I do the same with her.

I love my wife.

No amount of sorry will ever fix what I did to her. But I can work hard to be a better man and husband each day. She's worth it. Hard lesson learned.

I know weekends can be slow, and as I'm sitting here watching "The Mandalorian" with my FWH and adult DS, I'm thankful that we've been reconciled for a long time now. We've had bumps in the road, but we're BOTH glad to still be together. I remember, though, how much time I spent here on SI, and how much it helped me to hear that others had somehow made it through a similar hell to my own. It CAN happen with a remorseful FWS and a FBS that takes no crap. You can never "nice" your way to a successful reconciliation, IMHO. Best of luck to everyone, and a huge cyber hug for everyone hurting so badly. It's the worst pain I've ever felt and I hope to never feel pain that bad again for the rest of my life; but there's always a tomorrow. I know my life has meaning and purpose with or without my FWH, and I hope you do, too.