SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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Thank you. Thank you So! much.

LOL. Just days before my 2nd serial cheater was due to move out (because I TOLD him to) I'd managed to find a mention of his latest side piece in one of his emails to his mother. So I had a name but nothing else.

About 2 years after he was gone, we bumped into each other at a convenience store and were catching each other up on our lives. He was no longer with the woman he'd been cheating with when we broke up (because he'd cheated on her and it didn't last - big surprise) but he happened to mention where she worked while we were chatting. A few months later I was in the mall and standing in line at the store she worked to pay for some gifts I was buying for a family member. He'd mentioned that she looked like Paula Abdul so I was looking around at the female sales clerks trying to figure out which one she was.

Let me tell you how shocked I was when I got up to the register and saw her name tag - and realized it was his ex OW who was about to ring me up.

Paula Abdul my ASS. More like Rosie O'Donnell with glasses! I literally laughed all the way out of the mall and out to my car.

Was pleasantly surprised to see this post today when I checked in. It was offered to me soon after I found SI and was struggling mightily with obsessive thoughts of the OW (plural).

What speaks to me today is something I had glimmers of back then. AP are broken people, too. I do have compassion for them, but my anger is still present as well. It's more about how they make the WS feel than who and what they are. The WS often uses them for their selfish pleasure, inserts them into their twisted fantasies. Sad thing is, the AP often believes they ARE special and that the WS will give them the life of their dreams. But seldom does that happen. The AP in my case was crushed and broken when she realized she had been used and lied to. She thought she'd found a true love, had possibly found someone to settle down with for the first time at age 48. But no. He dumped her fast and completely, leaving her to wonder how she had been so wrong. I do take comfort in her pain.

This post saved me early on, and it needs to be shared with others who struggle with these inevitable comparisons we BS make. But it's not anything special about THEM...not the OP. It's the fantasy they are a part of created by the WS. The work of the WS is to figure out why they needed to manipulate vulnerable AP to feed their selfish needs. Anyone willing often would have sufficed. Accepting that the AP is very seldom anything special, and definitely NOT an improvement over us is a big step in our healing. I'm happy that others are still benefiting from these wise words....lets keep this one alive.

[This message edited by psychmom at 9:11 AM, June 28th (Wednesday)]

Thanks for this. Great post x

For one-time WS I believe it's about that convergence of factors which enables them to build a fantasy. Low self-esteem, a mid-life/mid-relationship crisis, marriage issues (possibly justified), a connection with the AP, the AP being 'up for it' or the protagonist, and so on.

Whatever the combination of factors, the WS shapes it into justification, gets the thrills that are inevitably missing from an established M (probably with kids, etc) and a fantasy becomes a fantasy affair.

At its height of my WW's one year A (which I discovered after the fact, so had run its course), I am sure my WS thought he (an ex-BF from the distant past) was her soulmate and yet the whole thing was a ridiculous and untenable fantasy. He lives in another country, has a much worse (and lower paid) job than me, doesn't want kids (we have 3), lived in a place with massive negative equity, was largely devoid of friends, is utterly self-centred, always has something wrong with him and so on...searching for logic in the choice of AP is pointless.

If we bumped into him now (as in the original encounter and A had never happened) I honestly don't think she would look twice at him. And I am sure that's the case for many of us on this post.

I guess we should all take some sort of solace in this. We weren't compared unfavourably with another person, our WS compared their real life unfavourably to a fantasy life and, duh, fantasy turned out to look like more fun.

And yet, even with an AP who only had to do the fun stuff, it still turned out not to be as good.

Probably one more datapoint to support thread title.

Note, that I don't know any of APs personally, so I cannot judge them for their intellect or charming personality. One thing I know for sure, is that you have to be remarkable POS to date married woman.

So, physical side.

I was ~90kg/182cm @ the time her first A started.

Not exactly fit, but not entirely soft either.

I'm now 82kg and I would say quite fit (infidelity diet + surfing + pool jumping).

Since my wife became obsessed with her body (several years ago, don't remember exactly), she always paid attention to fit men.

So:

AP#1:

Overweight - check.

Beer belly - check.

Swollen face - check.

AP#2:

Overweight - check (not as much as AP#1).

Beer belly - check.

Now different story with

AP#3:

Picture perfect serial cheater (at least 9 OWs - don't know if ONS or full As). Did some modeling in the past.

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I stand just under 6'. 200lbs and no gut (still). I had just cracked 6 figures but I was struggling in the new job. On top of that, my mother had died horribly from cancer 4 months before and my father was in the throws. We have 3 children.

My wife was a sahm at the time and had issues with alcohol. Her mother defines narcissism and her father is mostly NPD, an enabler and abusive. She hated him and had almost no contact with either during our marriage.

One night 10 yrs ago she got into it while painting and after I'd gone to bed, jumped the fence and fucked the neighbour. It came to light the next day and we were standing in the kitchen about 4' apart. I was still in shock, trying to process, and said very calmly "Why would you do that? He's everything you hate. He's shorter than you, he's fat, he smokes, he's an alcoholic, he's unemployed. He's old enough to be your Dad for Christ's sake. He acts just like him. God, he even looks like him."

Then I stopped. "Holy shit! You fucked your Dad. That's messed."

Her face went absolutely white for a moment and she started to cock her fist, so I stepped in very close and said "Don't".

She spat out "Fuck you asshole", spun around and stomped down to the bathroom, locking the door.

A few minutes later I could hear her violently puking.

To this day she maintains it was just the hangover.

Oh, nice catch lostmyreligion. In my situation my XW got raped by her brother and his friends when she was 8. This was divulged to my MC in my one on one consult so when my XW told her in a follow up joint session that the OM was like "a brother" to her my MC dropped jaw so hard I thought she was going to need a new floor!

The feats of disassociation waywards are able to perform astound me JDuff. I probably would have snapped my neck on the double take if I'd been your MC as well

Thank you for posting..as I read this I thought of my situation. I never considered that he upped when he met her or that she was any better than me..if anything I thought of her as plain, something he never found attractive, at least that I knew of..when I stalked her fb she looked like a doting mother of her children, even some pics of her husband. But i did wonder what the attraction was. During the entire affair, out marriage was great, he will say. I thought they got together and enjoyed the taboo of the idea of 2 married people sneaking off. I even read messages where they entertained ideas of getting caught and laughing about it. I can't post what actually was said.

This post made me feel better, knowing that she is so insecure that she allowed herself to be entangled with a married man. Thanks!

My WW definitely affair'd WAY DOWN. I am 43, earn enough to support my whole family with my WW working 15 hours a week, own a house, never in jail- she went to - a 33 year old, Ex-convict in jail for five years out for one, earns $20 an hour (no offense if you earn this),lives in his parents basement and looks like a mouth breathing monkey.

My WW has lied to my kids about him just being a friend, so I told my 8 year old the truth and said "No your mothers 'friend' is actually her boyfriend, you know the one that looks like an ugly monkey" - the funny part is my daughter started cracking up and said that he did look like a monkey!

I used to get hung up on what OW looked like. I know a few details but not much. I know she was younger and thinner than me. I know she had "gorgeous blue eyes". and dark hair.

But through IC, SI & conversations with FWH I have realized that it just doesn't matter. I could be a flipping super model and he'd still have cheated with her. He was broken and looking for a distraction from reality. She was trashy, available and willingly provided said distraction.

I'd like to say "I'm over it", but the thoughts still surface. I am just better equipped to get rid of them when they do.

It's a great idea to keep this thread going.

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But through IC, SI & conversations with FWH I have realized that it just doesn't matter. I could be a flipping super model and he'd still have cheated with her. He was broken and looking for a distraction from reality. She was trashy, available and willingly provided said distraction.

^^Thank you PeaceLily210

All OW's (that I know of) are younger and thinner than I am. The first 2 were not as "easy" and so WH gave up on them or they rejected him and he came begging to work things out. OW3 slept in my bed within 8 days of meeting my WH. She used my blanket. Used my shower. And my towel. She was in my home countless times because I was away waiting for WH to "decide" whether he really wanted to R. He had been "unsure" for a few days. Once he and OW3 were in an official relationship, he "decided" then to D.

I've asked myself often, what kind of woman would do that to another woman? What kind of woman would settle for a married man? What kind of woman thinks she really hears the whole story from a man who would throw his marriage away for her?

How Sad! I can only imagine what she really believes about herself, but it must be horrific.

I am sure she believes he would never do that to her. And that it's so amazing that they have met and have such an amazing and magical connection. But NO MATTER WHAT SHE BELIEVES: It is all rooted in lies. Lies he's told her (cause he is NOT the nice, devoted guy he portrays). Lies are all she's getting from him. Cause if she truly knows who he is, then she either doesn't care (meaning worse issues than my WH); or she's a worse predator and yikes....

Thank you to all that have continued to bump this thread.

[This message edited by IceThee at 3:51 PM, October 6th (Friday)]

Wow! I absolutely love this post. I will keep it forever... thank you for boosting my self esteem!

The OP was brilliant.