SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi guys!

I'm heading to a men's Christian boot camp for 4 days in Colorado this week.

It's said that satan will try to get you to be passive. Then if that doesn't stop you from coming to God satan will poke on the battles. This is happening. Battles in my M, challenges at work, even "Mens church" that I attend have all challenged my resolve to continue forward.

If it wear the scary and painful, I'd actually like this struggle!

Satan is alive and well, that hasn't changed. But the trinity has not changed either....a power far stronger then satan.

I expect satan will not flee from me yet....battles will continue to pile on. Appreciate your continued fellowship.

Even this forum was "full"...requiring me to request the Mods open a new thread. Some chalk that up to luck or coincidence. Not me.

Things happen for a reason.

Victims use trials as excuses to NOT change. Warriors see trials for what they are....opportunities to grow better and attain victories.

Battle on.

Actually....I am enjoying the battle!

I am because FINALLY.....long standing largely hidden wounds are healing!!!

The hurts that dazed me, had me seeing stars before no longer do so.

Not cocky....satan will ramp up his attacks. Maybe wife chooses another A, perhaps financial devastation....I will be hurt again. But I finally have a skill set to constructively deal with pain in my life.

I still need and desire to mature....this the boot camp. But I've seen serious traumatic attacks on me.....and I'm still here, closer to God then ever before. My perspective on people's choices that affect me is forever altered, and that is life changing.

Remember Blakesteele If Satan isn't attacking you, your aren't a threat to him and his evil sinful schemes. Satan only attacks those who he perceives as a threat to further God's glory.

Amen and AMEN!

I fully see how my passive approach to life, shying away from the fact that we are in a battle, had pleased satan and left me unsatisfied but in minimal, acute pain. However, I was in long, chronic pain the whole time.

I finally understand why I equated pain with unhealthy.

I finally get why I stayed away from the front lines and chased my tail somewhere in the middle...hardly needing dark angels to nudge me and distract me from the fight to become the man God intended me to become, certainly didn't need attention directly from satan back then!

This is why I expect the battles to intensify....sooner or later I will attract satans direct attention.

I pray for strength, courage and discernment regularly.

Have found real value in being still....choosing that more often then full on retreat. There is a reason the armor of God is primarily FRONT armor....we are not called to retreat from the battle ever. The being still is when I envision myself knelt down in a defensive posture, shielding myself from flaming arrows while I trust the Holy Spirit is fighting for me. Discernment is needed in large supplies to know when to shield ones heart and when to fight with ones heart.

This boot camp is called Ransomed Heart for a reason...it is what satan and God are fighting for. its the well spring of life.

Pain, especially adultery pain, has the ability to harden our hearts like none-other. But that is not Gods desire nor is it His will....that is satans strong desire. satan fears our heart...its the "well spring of life". Its where God uses us, connects with us, guides us.

Folks...don't take the "guard your heart" scripture as instructions to box it away. Its a call to protect it AND to use it. God blesses us with a hear for the same reason he blesses us with all other blessings....to USE it!

Post-affair...we need our hearts more than ever!!! And the temptation is to NEVER use it again, blaming our spouses for what is our lack of courage.

Temptations can be overcome....and we are called to overcome them.

I've seen in my own life that when i give into temptations, God loves me enough to allow another trial into my life in an effort to mature me past that point where the temptation is easily chosen.

I am still tempted, but the low fruit satan enticed me with pre-A is appearing in the light as it always was..... rotten. I just didn't see it as such. I intend to rot that whole tree out by digging at its roots!

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:19 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

Brokenheartedwif, thanks for the book recommendation. I did order it and read it and it did help some. It's the waiting that's so hard to handle, due date is Valentine's Day (because of course it would be!). I read my bible everyday and try to remind myself that this waiting season is preparing me for God's purpose in this, but some days I just can't quite get there.

I will pray for you blakesteele this weekend! God has never left us....ever! It is so freeing knowing this! Satan and all his tricks? Tell him to GO AWAY ....he wont find what he is looking for...

Strength and grace....all gifts handed to us by the father ...

Just a simple prayer this morning that we all may find JOY along this journey we are on! God is GOOD! Even with many trials and struggles I am thankful for tender mercies coming my way. I am praying that I can continue to recognize the blessings He gives.

Last night FWH offered our nightly prayer and it hit me how sincere and genuine he is. It was a moment of joy to see his faithfulness. Healing is happening!

Sounds peaceful and energizing Blakesteele!

Interesting Blake you see it as a battle.

I also can only describe the last few years as a battle with satan. We had our house blessed one year ago this week. I have been thinking about that a lot. It's hard to describe it to anyone that wouldn't believe anyway in God what it has been like...but I honestly feel like it was a war with satan. Things have subsided after that blessing but it's still a war.

Sadly I can't say I won...yet.

I have been sad a lot lately.

(((ionlytalkedtoher))) I don't know that we ever win the battle in this lifetime...but God is with us through it all and in the end to welcome us to eternal glory.

Blakesteele-can't wait to hear about your week! Been praying for you!

Eta: beautiful prayer pinkjeeplady. Thank you for it and for the reminder to always be grateful.

[This message edited by StrongHeart at 8:56 PM, November 8th (Sunday)]

thanks for the prayerful support!!!

AMAZING.

I am still processing.....the one on one time with God on the side of a Rocky mountain was powerful. Being one of 427 men who are actively seeking to be a part of the battle God calls us to was, at times, overwhelming (as I am one of they "younger christian men there, many have walked longer with God then I have).

It was something....to be a part of a large group, feel the support, but then have the real sense that you were personally, one-on-one with God.

Too much to post here....but a recurring message laid upon my heart during this 3 day boot camp can be summed up in this statement.

"Wounds are important, we need to recognize the wound so that we may bring it to God and heal. BUT, we are far more than "just wounds". We have real glory...and that glory was within us before original sin arrived."

NOTE: Be cautious of "agreements" you make. These are designed to take us out of the battle....which is where satan wants us, on the sidelines rather then pushing our way to victories.

Examples of subtle agreements that take us out.

"Life is hard, I always mess it up."

"I am too broken, I will never heal."

"I married the wrong person"

"I don't need passion in my life"

Anything that takes you out of tapping into your heart (the well spring of life) is something satan delights in....for he recognizes the power within our hearts. The power God place there. The power with which God blesses us....and that blessing has one purpose, just like all other blessings, and that is to USE AND SHARE IT.

Protect our hearts most certainly does not mean box it up and keep it safe. God wants us to USE it....knowing it will get hurt, but He CAN and DOES heal it. It is a "well spring"......it will not run dry, no matter what our wounds try and tell us.

You take the hope out of a person and that hurts the heart big time. Adultery is a masterful attack by the enemy to kill our hope, to reconfirm so many childhood lies we took as truth....took as "gospel".

Yeah.....powerful weekend.

There are good people courageously pushing at the front lines of this battle. I see you guys as these types of folks too.....thanks for the support and for doing all you can to stay engaged and free from the lies that are set to bind us.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:04 PM, November 9th (Monday)]

Haven't posted here in a while (although I keep you all in my prayers). Blakesteele, this really resonated with me and I had to thank you for posting it:

Actually....I am enjoying the battle!

I am because FINALLY.....long standing largely hidden wounds are healing!!!

A double Amen to that! I, too, feel that God is finally healing some LONG-standing wounds in me, as well. And it feels luxurious. I feel like my soul is being cleansed from the inside-out. He did not wish for me to remain bitter, angry, and stagnant. He is turning my bitterness into resignation, my anger into empathy, and my stagnation into action. I am becoming someone I thought had died years ago - that daughter of God who enjoyed the gift of life He gave her so much and was grateful for every breath she took. God is good!!

Your welcome.

I can grasp, by your response to my post, that you have at least glimpsed (if not fully embraced) what I now know to be true.....that it's not where we are, or even who we are as much as WHOSEVER we are.

I've been convicted that I chose poorly, sometimes very wrongly/sinfully as a husband....that's on me. Just as clearly is the truth my stumbles and sins are not the cause of my wife's affair. Her choices reflect the condition of HER heart, not mine.

Affairs are not about the BS. That's a fact many come to own in their mind....but it took me 2 years to let me heart come to that truth, enduring some pretty shitty experiences (through both my wife's choices and mine), to finally see the reality of the condition of our hearts........and it was ugly.

My ugliness has been traced decades back...and I am finally seeing truth.

And the truth shall make you free.

God is full of truth, grace and mercy....and loves me enough to show all 3 unto me.

You can either seek relief from the pain, which is often destructive if not full on sinful. Or you can seek restoration for the wound.

I am receiving restoration.....and that started with a courageous choice (cause its scary crap!) to dig for and expose wounds that had me, in fear, avoiding, denying and minimizing for years.

Thanks.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:44 PM, November 12th (Thursday)]

Sorrow is better than laughter; for by the sadness of the face the heart is made good.

The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth. It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the songs of a fool.

Eccl 7:3,4,5

[This message edited by hihn at 11:50 AM, November 13th (Friday)]

Sorrow is better than laughter; for by the sadness of the face the heart is made good.

The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth. It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the songs of a fool

I have been reflecting on the above verses for several days. Having been put in the house of mourning through the act of adultery. I realize that my sorrows at the time were better than laughter. It was through the sadness my heart was made good through facing my demons placed in my life via WH & his FOO. These people were definitely living in the house of mirth. I have grown in courage, strength, understanding and love spiritually. While I do not desire to remain in the house of mourning, nor do I believe I am to remain there, I do realize the value of it. For me it was there spiritual growth I gained through the tragedy of adultery that made my heart good. I hope this makes sense to someone somehow

Hihn....you make perfect sense.

being able to sit with painful feelings....and to allow sorrow to be experienced....is the only way to healing.

Too much of my life has been spent as a "driven man". So many false senses of control built into my coping mechs since boyhood.....and they were working so well, up until I realized they weren't working at all!

Had I had the maturity to really be still and recognize the empty spot in my heart that could never be filled by my wife, my absent dad, my mom....anyone but God.......I could have walked with Him a lot sooner.

Thankful he never gave up on me, but am sorry I missed years of healing and growing!

For me it was there spiritual growth I gained through the tragedy of adultery that made my heart good

whoa....that is spot on. Gods singular mission is to restore our hearts and welcome us BACK to the original glory we were designed in.

The rejection I get from my wife now no longer hurts like it used to. The original wounding her rejection of me rolled back to is healing, my heart is being restored. This would not have taken place had I not sat with pain and identified the original wound. And I didn't do that willingly!!! smile. I fought it with every coping and control tactic I had....and came up short. Thank God! It was then that I brought my heart to God and thanked Him for his tending to it.

We are built with a need of rest. We can't be comforted if we never admit we are in discomfort.

Busyness, for me anyway, can be a sophisticated form of laziness as I avoided doing the tough work I need to be doing by choosing to "get busy".

The very good news is God is soooooo interested in restoring our hearts. The truth is satan is intent on killing it.

Don't let this trial make your heart bitter. Don't run from the pain.

We are all wounded, our wounds matter. But we are FAR more than our wounds, far more than our sins. Original glory is deep within us, was there long before original sin was invited in.

I'm struggling. So hard it's impossible to see any way out of this misery. I go to mass several times a week, I pray constantly and yet I seem to be losing the battle. The more I try to act lovingly toward my husband, the more I hate him. It makes no sense, he's been kinder to me recently than probably ever before in our relationship. And I hate him. This is new and I don't understand it. In fact, the better things seem, the worse I seem to feel. All of a sudden I am compulsively looking through his email, his good searches, he text history. My gut is screaming and yet I know I won't find anything. He's a computer guy who will easily hide what he wants. I feel like I am in torment. I don't want to check but some days can't seem to stop myself and then am overcome with disgust for my weakness. Most days I want to file for divorce or die. Mostly death seems preferable to the pain.

I wonder if this sudden despair is one of two things. One, our relationship, all 19 years of it has been characterized by selfishness. Seeing him being kind and thoughtful has thrown me off and makes me uncomfortable. Almost like it couldn't possibly be real. In fact weeks ago, I told my therapist that if this gs were to change, it would be because he would've done something where he felt the score was evened and I was scared to even imagine what that could be. So maybe as I sense this shift, my anxiety is in full on panic mode.

Second, i've been reading about suffering and surrending to God almost always lead to a period of suffering. As I try to surrender and die to self as the bible tells us, the more torment I feel. The more my selfishness and pride scream out. When I logically try to figure why i'm compulsively searching, it comes back to being terrified to look like a fool. It is the ego that doesn't want to submit. Any small step I take toward my husband is meant with so much mental anguish I pray for death daily. I write letters to my husband every week and this change of feelings toward him changed when the subject of my letters changed. Early on I had focused on my short comings, my failings, the ways I had fallen infinitely short as his wife. Those letters looking back weren't as hard to write. Currently i've been writing about love. About realizing that I had been holding back, fearing being vulnerable. The more I explore this and try to move toward vulnerability,the more my hate I feel toward him. I believe it is the ego saying, no thanks. I don't think so. After so much pain, we are not openin that door. But I have to keep trying and pushing and settling into the pain.

But it's so hard! And i'm ashamed to admit the amount of complaining to God (and close friends) I do. I am so incredibly weak. While logically I know suffering is necessary, I still want it over with as quickly as possible. But every day seems to begin some new torment. Occasionally I will have a peaceful day and I try to give thanks because I know it will be short lived. This pain i' in now is worse than any i've experienced in my life and I don't say that lightly. I think God led me to give up alcohol 3 weeks ago to keep me safe. I'm afraid what adding alcohol to the mix of this suffering would look like.

The battle is long and hard, i cry often. I'm trying hard to keep hope. Even Jesus prayed in the garden to let this cup pass from him. Jesus understands this pain. But we must endure it. Without the suffering, without the cross, there is no resurrection.

I'm praying for everyone else here suffering today. I pray we'll all find peace and rest in the Lord.

VirginiaRegret,

So much of what you shared here, I can relate to. The closer H and I get, the more I seem to find myself having moments of hating him too. And it's because, like you, I sometimes don't trust it - his goodness and kindness and words of love. He had his moments of charm during the A years, after all. Or I wonder why he couldn't have just been this way all along and not shatter my heart into a million pieces like he did.

As for the concept of surrendering to God leading to suffering, please know that that suffering does not come from God. I believe it comes from the enemy, who does not want to see us yield our lives to the Lord. God is my hope and my salvation - the only source of true and lasting joy in my life since Dday. And that is not a bad thing. I pray He will be yours too.

Cling to God, VirginiaRegret. And continue to seek heart-reconciliation with your FWH. I pray for that every day too - for the day that I no longer look at him with the shadow of betrayal behind each and every glance. Your post was so honest and so real. I thank you for it - because I imagine many of us could relate to each and every word.

I'm convinced satan wants us to be passive....to believe there is no hope. That takes us out if the game.

Then when we resist that temptation he piles on the battle. Our pain appears to INCREASE, cause we feel it. When we're passive we minimize and ignore/deny the pain within....but it's there all along. Seems like trials reveal hidden pain far deeper within us then the pain felt by the trial itself.....at least that's my journey that's far.

Seems like trials reveal hidden pain far deeper within us then the pain felt by the trial itself.

Yes definitely. Things that I haven't thought about for years are coming up and shaking me. Things I had thought I was long past. So the more I try to get through these ugly things, the further I seem from the other side because every time I caught a glimpse of the light on the other side, some other things comes up to obscure the view. I'm reading the life of St. Therese of Lisieux right now and I can't decide if it's comforting or discouraging. Trials are a part of this life. Once we accept that and also realize that we are completely powerless over them, we can accept God's love to overcome.