SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"Why Happy People Cheat" is an article on The Atlantic website (https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/why-happy-people-cheat/537882/) that attempts to answer the age old question "why do people have affairs".

The author is a Belgian therapist who lives and works in New York City. She has given two TED talks about relationships that have received millions of views. Her book "Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence" (2006) was a best seller.

Perel claims that affairs remain poorly understood partly because too much emphasis has been placed on the devastation caused by affairs. Not enough emphasis has been placed on understanding why they happen with such monotonous regularity.

Perel emphasizes that people don't necessarily cheat simply because their marriages are unsatisfactory (i.e., the "marital deficits" theory of infidelity). People often are unfaithful because they are "in search of their lost selves". She says that "secluded from the responsibilities of everyday life, the parallel universe of the affair is often idealized, infused with the promise of transcendence." Perel sees in an affair a "crisis of identity" or perhaps an existential crisis. Why else do people often risk so much for (apparently) so little?

The article is adapted from her book "The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity", which will be published in October 2017.

There is currently a thread on this article in the General forum at:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=611814

Thanks, HardenMyHeart

I've read both her books and they do help to gain insight to why affairs occur... I think that because I read her books it has helped me to look at this situation from both of our perspectives.

This passage really hit home with me... "Sometimes when we seek the gaze of another, it’s not our partner we are turning away from, but the person we have become. We are not looking for another lover so much as another version of ourselves. The Mexican essayist Octavio Paz described eroticism as a “thirst for otherness.” So often, the most intoxicating “other” that people discover in an affair is not a new partner; it’s a new self."

Then later the adolescent rebellion is mentioned... which ties to the "chaos kid" theory I've heard Dr. Larry Bilotta share in his videos.

"Priya’s affair is neither a symptom nor a pathology; it’s a crisis of identity, an internal rearrangement of her personality. In our sessions, we talk about duty and desire, about age and youth. Her daughters are becoming teenagers and enjoying a freedom she never knew. Priya is at once supportive and envious. As she nears the mid-century mark, she is having her own belated adolescent rebellion."

When H is ready to R we will be reading "MAting in Captivity" together as it has some things to think about in terms of the bedroom to keep both partners interested. I know affairs are not just about sex, but sex is often a big piece of them. Rebuilding a new marriage is what I'm aiming for and with it we will be exploring the Red Light District that Esther speaks of.

She has so much stuff on YouTube... some of it repetetive as she is interviewed by lots of pundits... but check out her series called "what now" I think there are 10 couples therapy sessions that are recorded.

she implies BS blame, lets the WS off the hook and minimizes the devastation of the affair. and her credentials are bogus.

"When H is ready to R"

omg. stop waiting for him. he's having an affair and you're allowing it but not calling him on it. please please please read (and take) the advice on your thread.

[This message edited by sewardak at 7:05 AM, December 22nd (Friday)]

SEWARDAK, I have gone back and read the replies on my thread. Perhaps my situation would be different if I had the means to move, but I don't. I can't play chess with chess pieces I don't have. And since I want R in the end, I'm doing the best I can given our financial situation.

I read "State of Affairs" and thought it was so much garbage that I couldn't even write a review on it.

She’s great, I read State of Affairs, my wife read Mating in Captivity. We’ve listened a few of her “Where Do We Begin?” podcasts together and they’re better than our couples counseling sessions.

Does that mean my couples counselor sucks?

When I first found about my wife's affair, this book would have been too much to process and something like Not Just Friends, which I read, was more comforting and optimistic.

However, after reading 10 books on marriages, relationships, affairs, and sex in the ensuing year, I think this book is really insightful and full of hard truths. I would recommend it to reconciling couples after they have begun restoration and are tempted to "affair-proof" their marriage (likewise, for couples starting a second relationship after the first one ended in infidelity).

Her podcast is great and if you listen to how quickly she reads a situation, she has incredible insight and experience.

If you are sensitive to BS-blame and WS-absolution, this book will trigger you. I don't think she does either when you consider the nuance of her writing, but at a first glance, it definitely comes off that way.