SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Rusty - so you're quite some time out...

how is she these days? any remorse or hoovers? did you have kids?

if my piece of trash didn't have our kids i would have probably been over this by now. total no contact would have knocked it flat on the head i think.

how did she and the OP pan out?

I had no kids and no contact 6 wks after DDay, which fell on Labor Day last year. And I did all the right things to move on. Aaaand I'm still kind of broken inside. But I haven't missed that anorexic slut since last Christmas. When I realized she was a narc twat and our relationship was just play time for her, it was easy not to romanticize any of it. But like Rusty said, I fucking loooooathe having wasted 12 years of my life with that fuckface.

guys, if you suspect a narc and you're in the thick of the pain check out Assc Direct on Youtube. brilliant channel.

yeah, you're right, kids or no kids this is soul shattering stuff.

the dealing with her daily just presses a few extra buttons in the hundreds of other buttons that we all experience.

i dunno, i might even have ended up worse if we had no kids. "showing off" to her is actually healing, i.e. showing to the glassy eyed freak that i am doing well gives me a spring in my step and has helped me get over the nauseating trigger of seeing her each day.

and get this, the disgusting waddling piece of shit mechanic's garage is four doors down from her house, so i have to walk past that every other day too.

[This message edited by puffstuff at 9:56 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

Mine wouldn't give a shit how I'm doing. We're talking a person who has completely dissociated from her former life. Someone who went from telling me how much she loves me and still banging me to a woman who wanted to leave me a broken man with absolutely nothing. An emotionally stunted womanchild with a penchant for emotional suppression and detachment. If I had to see her every day, no amount of success would get a rise out of her and it would only serve to further frustrate me.

But it's damned if you do, damned if you don't. She made it easy to get over her and move on, but the discard and emotional detachment fucked me up. The flip is she sticks around and then I'm like the other 90% of BSes here who are stuck in shitty limbo. There's no winning.

i was pondering something interesting about her today and it got me a bit disturbed. wonder if any can relate - maybe its a narc thing. it's this:

her never really talking about anything broad or deeply. okay she was very well read, knew loads about religion, philosophy, literature but i cant honestly ever remember her discussing things in a sort of abstract, deep way.

its hard to put my finger on but i can never remember her sayings things or starting conversations that would go into a subject deeply. me and mates will have a twenty minute chat about say the workign classes in england, or why its good giving in relationships, or the disgusting amount of money in football, or why M Thatcher was a bitch, etc, etc. subjects that require a bit of deep drilling and analysis and broad perspective - i can't remember her EVER really doing that. sure i could talk to her about anything but i can see NOW that she wasnt really interested in ANYTHING. she had hobbies that she threw herself into and out of. I used to talk about deep things and although I jsut accepted it at the time it was very one sided. it was like she couldnt really think abstractly or deeply at all.

I notice this now. A real kind of sort of narrowness of thinking. I don't mean small mindedness or ignorance, but she just didnt seem to throw herself into or commit to anything mentally AT ALL. er, nothing behind the eyes so to speak.

anyone else relate with their partners who have done this?

i am really starting to see her for what she is and it disturbs me daily.

Together for 8 years and married for 3. Didn't have kids thankfully. Having kids is the toughest part and I don't envy you one bit. I would be the worst coparent ever. Someone fucks you over this bad and tramples all over you dignity, how the fuck can someone reasonably expect me to be civil with her? You guys with kids have all my respect.

Regarding her, she recently got engaged with her AP. We don't stay in contact. Last time I saw her was around Feb '17. "Losing" her is something I'm really okay with but the itch for justice remains. Don't even care about her new relationship. I just want her to suffer the same level of misery that I did for the initial months. And trust issues and commitment phobia with my current partner. These residuals still remain.

Honestly I have no idea how these people do it. So self absorbed and self assured. Maybe they are the ones living life the right way. Because let me tell you that even if my dream woman(Elizabeth Olsen ) left her partner for me and we stay happily together for 20+ years, the way the relationship started would be in the back of my mind for the entire time. Shutting your conscience down is a really great skill. Probably should have learned that from my bitch. What a blessed existence. Don't have to think deeply about anything. I'm fucking jealous.

I used to talk about deep things and although I jsut accepted it at the time it was very one sided. it was like she couldnt really think abstractly or deeply at all.

Lol this is something I realized as well. Lots of BS with unremorseful spouse say this. There must be a correlation. The fact that I suppressed this is more of an indictment of me than her. Young, dumb and in love. But what can I say, she really did have a banging body that she took care of almost religiously. Her legs and calves were a sight to behold. Oh well, you live and learn. To maybe look beyond the shallow.

I too envy the stupid and unscrupulous. Imposing more rules on yourself such as "think things through" and "don't be an asshole" only slow you down. Don't listen to karmafans: the world has, does, and always will reward shitty human behavior. It's survival of the fittest out there, not "nice guys finish first". Can you taste the sweet sweet cynicism? lol

Oh and I second the mindless boring person persona. My ex was into celebrity gossip and shopping and when I say "and nothing else", I am not exaggerating. She was a blank slate. Narcs can be chameleons and adopt the personality traits of their marks, so in retrospect, not surprised. She was like a female Patrick Bateman in that broken head of hers except a petite blonde who learned enough skills to fit in.

it must haunt them.

another way i have come to think of it is that the process that the reconciling BS and WS would have to do MUST kind of repeat itself in our situation wtih the WS and OM/OW.

think about it, after the romance period has ended , they must have to reassure each other that they are not going to do the same. they must do pretty much all that the reconciling couple do, i.e. re-establish trust. how can you not be clingy and insecure when you know your partner has just destroyed a good man/woman. and even if hte WS spins a yarn about how awful we were, how is the OP going to believe that when he knows that this person is a proven liar and a liar in the worst sense?

no matter how hard i think about it, it can't be any other way, can it? they must go through their own reconcilling process and we all know how fun and happiness promoting that is - LOL

[This message edited by puffstuff at 10:21 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

They live happily ever after and win the lottery and never think of us again. Also their downstairs parts get tighter/longer and their faces become prettier and adopt an angelic glow. Also, they do the sex things you always wanted them to do but wouldn't.

"Lol this is something I realized as well. Lots of BS with unremorseful spouse say this. There must be a correlation. The fact that I suppressed this is more of an indictment of me than her. Young, dumb and in love. But what can I say, she really did have a banging body that she took care of almost religiously. Her legs and calves were a sight to behold. Oh well, you live and learn. To maybe look beyond the shallow."

yes,my wife too was super hot. one of those figures that just draws men to her, add with that the cutesy charm (that repels me now), then it's easy to be duped in those early days. when i saw the receipt for all the lingerie she bought for the Waddling C#NT, i thought "yeah, he's trapped now for at least 6 months. as long as she puts that out constantly, there's no way he will see through her".

I'm actually a little upset my XW kept reassuring me she wasn't going to marry the OM.

First thought is: Seriously? Fuck the OM, but you pressured him into Ding his wife and daughter. After all the damage you caused his family and me, you 180 and decide not to marry him?

Second Thought: I can't imagine a more fitting resolution to this life chapter than the two of them starting their life together with her family hating him, his family hating her, him being in debt without a job or home (currently living with her in the apartment I helped pay for), with a baby on the way.

I really wanted to be a father. We were trying. I guess it was divine protection the child isn't mine. Although it would be some sad twist of fate if she lied about one of her periods. Anyway, I'm free. She's going to have a rough start to motherhood, and she's a weak person in every way.

I laugh now. During the false R, she and her brother gave me shit about making her wait too long to have a baby. That "Having a plan was a bad idea, I should have just had a baby, that's what husbands do. You can't plan for everything"

Well, she's going to struggle immensely thanks to their system.

I'm so glad I whispered in his ear "You're not the first affair. You really want to be with her that badly? She's just going to cheat on you too"

I know that's going to poison their relationship.

Fuck them. It's dawning on me how much she's poisoned me. Yeah, I'm lonely and ruminating way too much. Ghosting her is it's own joy, and being super NC has helped quite a bit. Now I just wait and let time do it's thing.

[This message edited by Ganondorf at 1:14 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

it must haunt them.

another way i have come to think of it is that the process that the reconciling BS and WS would have to do MUST kind of repeat itself in our situation wtih the WS and OM/OW.

think about it, after the romance period has ended , they must have to reassure each other that they are not going to do the same. they must do pretty much all that the reconciling couple do, i.e. re-establish trust. how can you not be clingy and insecure when you know your partner has just destroyed a good man/woman. and even if hte WS spins a yarn about how awful we were, how is the OP going to believe that when he knows that this person is a proven liar and a liar in the worst sense?

no matter how hard i think about it, it can't be any other way, can it? they must go through their own reconcilling process and we all know how fun and happiness promoting that is - LOL

I seriously doubt it man. They are just not deep thinkers. Any kind of introspection and accountability is krypotonite for them. Just living in the moment I guess. Completely different way of living life than us plebs. I don't envy them though. Being this much of a hollow husk would be pretty unfulfilling for me. But yeah, if you are that shallow and mediocre, would you care about not having some deeper understanding of yourself or the human psyche? So who is really winning? Dumb existence purely based on momentary pleasures and hedonistic outlook.

But just like they can't help themselves, neither can I. I could never live like that. This is the thing about Wayward forums here. Other than the ones who did some serious work and really took steps to change, most are just denying their true nature.

[This message edited by Rustylife at 5:36 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

I only read the Wayward forum for a small amount of time until I realized people like my ex would never post there. I'll never get a look at the inside of her thought process and I had to make peace with that. It just is what it is. People who mindlessly ditch their spouse are living in some kind of childish ignorance which insulates them from the harsh realities of their garbage behavior. More and more I feel like morality is weakness, or a facade adopted by manipulators. Jesus I've gone full blown nihilism.

Haha yeah that was pretty much my thought as well. No reason for me to be paranoid about my XW ever getting on these boards. The waywards on there haven't killed their conscience completely. Get on my ex's level guys . Or maybe they are trying to hang on for some material benefit. Who really knows? I find the wayward forum to be really perfomative and/or full of projection from the poor BSs stuck with reconciliation("I hope my wife/husband is thinking this way too"). I don't know. I'm not too charitable on cheaters. It's so fucking easy to not cheat. I haven't gotten even remotely close to these dicey situations that these poor souls keep finding themselves in. The wave of resentment that rises whenever I read abou FOO issues, memory impairment , etc make me pretty much the worst candidate for reconciliation.

[This message edited by Rustylife at 7:30 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

What is absolutely surreal to me is how many people in my life, who have intimate knowledge of the details of my ex's infidelity and the toll it took on me, have admitted to their own form of adultery or adultery fantasies. One guy out and cheated because of his dead bedroom. One woman is flirting with the idea of cheating, having had moves made on her by two different men within the past few months. Another woman keeps putting herself in situations where she gets hit on and wonders why this is the case. All 3 are unhappy with their spouses, but of course their facebook posts indicate otherwise.

You'd think they would stop and think, "Oh, I remember how AbandonedGuy got royally assfucked by that cold-blooded marriage killer, maybe I should talk about this with someone else." In normal circumstances, I'd feel like this is nice that they're comfortable enough with me to open up about such things, and I still do kind of feel that, but mostly all this does is prove time and again how precarious relationships, especially marriages (with or without children), are and how little you can trust another human being with your well-being. To be honest, I'd rather they continue telling me these things so that I'm aware of the reality waiting for me. I don't want to go back to being some rube who thinks this might never happen again if I "choose right next time".

I don't know. By now, I'm completely apathetic toward the whole concept of romantic partnerships--and I'm becoming emotionally detached from the concept of cheating, as it seems like some kind of fucked up status quo that we all just need to swallow or something. As much as I'd love to dive into a relationship and work to hold my shit together, I enjoyed going full bore with a woman. What's the point of getting married if you can't be 100% genuine, honest, and yourself with someone? I'd rather fall in love and share everything and trust completely, otherwise what's the point? If you can't do that, you might as well get a dog and hump a sex toy since neither will usually bring this much bullshit into your life.

And I also agree that these cheaters or potential cheaters will play act all day about how they feel bad or how they'd like to stop, but you can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices. They're addicted to the attention, attention they're not getting at home, whether it's available to them or not, and eventually, if they haven't already, they're going to fuck some strange. And you better believe afterward they'll throw out every rationalization why they didn't do a bad thing back there.

[This message edited by AbandonedGuy at 7:55 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

People close to me seem to "interview" me about our marriage now, obviously in their mind there is something I was doing to have caused this.

I cut it short, I just say "you might not believe me, but there was NOTHING that was happening in our marriage that could justify what she had done. No abuse. No control. No addictions. I was happy. I thought she was happy. The kids were happy. We were loving toward each other. We were going on dates a week before. She done this because it felt good ( I drop the bit about the suspected raging personality disorder that is probably truly behind it)."

I say it with such sincerity and belief that it normally does stop them in their tracks.

And ultimately I dont give a rats what anyone thinks really, I know what happened, I was there.