SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel like that feeling of lalaland, "the fog", could be extracted from these people's brains and marketed as the next wonder drug. The new slogan could be an old familiar but with some tweaks: TURN OFF, TUNE OUT, DROP OUT.

It's been over 2 years since he left for his AP, and over 1 year since our divorce. It has gotten better, but I'll admit that I still have mini anguishes over it. It makes me mad to know that he has no consequences. I often wish I asked for more in alimony, but I also know that no amount of money is enough to sooth my broken heart. The best thing is to just move on.

I sometimes still think of how unfair it had been. I was in the midst of treatment to start IVF when he told me about his affair. That was painful in many ways. I feel like I have wasted so many fertile years with him. While I still have time to start new, it just pains me to know that my clock is also just ticking away, and I agree with Shattered Sakura, even if I can still have kids later on, I don't really want to so old when I am helping my kid move into their college dorm, or that they're worried I might die before they get married or have children.

I don't know if, or when I can stop having these feelings, but I can tell you all, it does become less over time. I would say having a new man in my life helps. I remember when my cousin broke up with his girlfriend (for non-infidelity reasons), he was so mopey... and I said, nothing that time and a new girlfriend can't fix. I guess it's not that different for us. Once again, that four letter word: TIME.

What is helpful is what AG said:

TURN OFF, TUNE OUT, DROP OUT.

Speaking of money, I rage sometimes thinking how much I spent on the engagement ring. I meant for it to become a family heirloom. She was so worried about the cost; wanted the cheaper lab created diamonds.

I wish I took her advice. Even if I got that money back it wouldn't make me feel better. I want the meaning behind it back. The thought of selling it is just too much right now. Maybe I'll keep it and pass it down like I intended, one day. It's a very beautiful ring. My mom had some jewelry of hers refashioned into a bracelet to go with it. So it's really part of a collection now.

Thinking dark thoughts about the AP right now. I hope the karma train pays them a visit in the future. I hope WW makes his life a living hell or vice versa. The AP deserves some hell, he literally had no consequences, no hit in reputation. People in their social circle encouraged it, bunch of low life scum pond rats.

I'm such a mix of sad and angry right now...sangry!! Although not as comical sounding as hangry!! Which is a mix of hungry and angry.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 11:02 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

I still have moments of rage. There are so many things I wish I took back. I remember leaving them with him when we first separated because I kept thinking we would get back together. Instead that nasty gold digger got her fingers all over it. There are a few things I sometimes think about asking for back. In the end, I think, it's just stuff. It still hurts.

I wonder when will I ever be able to let go of the feeling of wanting justice. I still wake up every day thinking about wanting them to break up. We don't have to get back together, just for them to separate for good. They can find other partners and I'd even be good with that.

Unlike some of you here, WH treated me well. Rarely fought. I thought we were doing pretty good, great even, as a couple. Then boom! I sometimes think if we had bad memories I'd snap out of this sooner, but aside from his business struggles (which I never considered as a factor), we've always had good ones. It was lovely and peaceful. His relationship with AP was abusive and messy, but he preferred her anyway. What does that mean

I long for a new relationship, but I know I have to heal first also. Ever heard the saying "you never completely fall out of love with someone until you fall in love with somebody else" ? I'm happy for those who healed and opened their hearts to somebody else. I want to stop loving this person so bad. I don't know how long it will take me.

I wonder when will I ever be able to let go of the feeling of wanting justice. I still wake up every day thinking about wanting them to break up. We don't have to get back together, just for them to separate for good. They can find other partners and I'd even be good with that.

Justice is a key word here, I don't think I'll be able to let it go for a long time. I feel like I've been emotionally raped by this man intruding in my life so much (and WW opening the door), because of how long things went on. A stranger held immense, direct power over the course of my life and I hate him for it. This guy didn't care about the destruction he caused. It just pisses me off he isn't ostracized to a desert island or something. Actually I hope he just drops dead by an act of god.

Unlike some of you here, WH treated me well. Rarely fought. I thought we were doing pretty good, great even, as a couple. Then boom! I sometimes think if we had bad memories I'd snap out of this sooner, but aside from his business struggles (which I never considered as a factor), we've always had good ones. It was lovely and peaceful. His relationship with AP was abusive and messy, but he preferred her anyway. What does that mean 

I don't know. WW and her AP were messy. I guess you can say that about WW and me now. But for every bad moment there were a lot of good moments that I juse wanted more of or have them back somehow. When it was good it was really good. Her chronic depression contributed greatly, and it's probably going to hurt her relationship with the AP. She still isn't seeking out a therapist, but she keeps saying she wants to.

I long for a new relationship, but I know I have to heal first also. Ever heard the saying "you never completely fall out of love with someone until you fall in love with somebody else" ? I'm happy for those who healed and opened their hearts to somebody else. I want to stop loving this person so bad. I don't know how long it will take me.

I don't know about that quote. It certainly didn't apply to WW. She fell back in love with the man she originally "fell out of love" with. A few months ago she said something that still stays with me, that she thinks she was in limerance *with me* for the six years we were together. IMO I think it's the hormones or endorphins or whatever speaking, she's in a honeymoon period with him, it's like she's drunk on the "luv" at the moment. And I know her personality, she's very much a "in the present" type of person...if something feels good keep doing it, something feels bad, avoid it. She also doesnt have to live a double life anymore, which I'm sure is a relief. I guess it goes to show how superficial...and temporary.. her love for me was. It hurts like hell.

Now for my myself, my great fear is that all the special little things won't come so easily in a new relationship. I'll still be thinking of WW and nothing will be new and unique anymore.

I don't know how to unlove. Everything I did with her was special because I didn't feel like that with anyone else. Whatever comes next is just a sequel, and we all know how often movie sequels aren't nearly as good :(

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 9:25 PM, February 7th (Friday)]

I kept thinking we would get back together. Instead that nasty gold digger got her fingers all over it

Hopium was one of the reasons I struggled so bad. A few weeks ago, I decided to diet on the hopium drug and it felt more peaceful. But it's still a daily fight with addiction. I gave and loved this person 1/3 of my life and it's so so hard to drop everything so simply like he did.

Whatever comes next is just a sequel, and we all know how often movie sequels aren't nearly as good :(

I'd like to believe our lives will be like the LOTR movies. The succeding are as great, if not better, than the previous ones.

My life is the hobbit trilogy

Hopeful, I also had an otherwise good marriage. I look back and I just don't know what the problem was! We hardly fought, we worked as a team for many things, his family loved me, my family loved him, and we encouraged each other. Then one day someone started to work in his department that he decided it was worth throwing everything we had together away.

And there is no justice in this. I actually invested quite heavily in him. He had some issues during training, and even before we were married, my family and I helped him a lot to get him back on his feet. Some people think he owes me big time, as he was at one point on the brink of never being in medicine again. Like a bad investment, I had to take what I could and sell sell sell in order to not lose anymore.

He continues to have a high salaried job as a specialty of his choosing, he kept our dog, and he promptly moved his gold digger with him. He makes so much now that he probably doesn't notice the difference in income.

While it is true a new relationship helps a lot, nothing is the same after such an abuse of trust, love, and friendship.

my family and I helped him a lot to get him back on his feet

My family did a bit of that too (with time and effort). My dad treated WW like another daughter, and would frequently be there to help out for rides or running errands if he was out and nearby. And all that time taking her out for driving lessons and practice. My parents and I were there at the DMV cheering her on when she got her license. Two weeks later the first PA cheating incident happened.

So in many ways I feel like she betrayed my family as much as she betrayed me.

She loved how nice they were (WW's immediate family is not so, and AP's parents never liked her), loved doing things with them, loved having things done for her...but when push came to shove, "they weren't her family" so they were disposable.

My family treated him like family way even before we were married. Even distant relatives. We trusted him enough to invest and supported him through the tough times when business was struggling. Same Simplicity, it was a bad investment. Money can be earned back, but the emotional torture he did to us? I don't know. My mom told me it never crossed their minds that WH could do something this devastating. It broke my heart when I saw her message to WH that I never show them pain but she knows because she's my mother I'm staying strong for my parents, especially my mom. She's fragile and I don't want her to worry much. I fake being strong I sometimes believe it myself. But when I'm alone reality rushes back right in. I am damaged goods.

I just put all of WH clothes in the storage room. I should have done this sooner but I honestly did not care until I needed the space. I'm sure AP already bought him new ones but whatever. Thought of burning them but seems like a waste. Donate them probably.

[This message edited by hopefullife at 9:13 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]

Why not both? Burn something, donate the rest.

WW has left a lot of her crap behind, and every time I see her she has something new... a new phone, new jacket, new purse all from AP or purchased with AP. Can't help but feel it's part of the AP to eradicate all trace of me.

I'm not a big fan of this notion that the only way to get over someone is to "get under someone else", for several reasons. I see its utility, and it's certainly a bandaid that can be applied to a wound such as ours, but long term, I don't think it's very beneficial whatsoever.

Jumping into a new thing takes precious time away from yourself. If there's any time that you owe yourself more time than usual, it's during a period of having to rebuild your identity, reassert yourself in the world as a solo actor, and discover and mitigate your core problems and insecurities. We already spend 2/3 of our lives at work and asleep, and that last little chunk gets eroded quickly with our social life (friends, family, kids), essential life maintenance (preparing meals, washing clothes, cleaning), lifestyle choices (exercise, hobbies), and the smattering of impromptu bullshit we face (fixing a dead car battery). Throwing a new partner on top of this will only feed on whatever remains of your time and mental energy and you might fall back into old habits and cease many if not all improvement plans. It's touted by lots of people that you "shouldn't define yourself by another person but by being the best version of you" and that's spot on, but how many people live those words?

You want to get over an ex who screwed you over and who will also never face any kind of true "justice" in the world? Lead a better life than you ever did with them. Actually become a better person, so much better that it's self evident and you know you're not just rationalizing your way into thinking you're better. There are clear metrics we can point to for this: high income, quality friendships, emotional security, engaged in intellectual pursuits, frequent volunteerism, being in shape, etc. Find the metrics that work for you, set goals, and start trying to hit them. Eventually, it becomes incredibly easy to rewrite your narrative as "I couldn't become this better person with her/him in my life, so maybe I'm a lot better off without her/him". And as long as you don't fall into the trap of blaming your ex for all of your problems, you can start to replace the anger with other things, such as relief that you're killing it now when before you weren't, or sympathy that your ex is a haggard mess of a person who won't grow like you just did, or maybe just indifference to it all because you're on the upswing and you've got no time to worry about this stuff.

Being single feels unnatural because it is. We're social animals, sexual creatures, and culturally-trained pair-bonders. Our searchlight for the next partner doesn't ever switch off, but don't think for a second that this impulse is your friend. We're also drawn to sugary foods despite the toll they take on our bodies. We maintain status quo despite being in really shitty circumstances. We're prone to long bouts of time-wasting laziness despite our clocks running out. We'll automatically take a comment the wrong way if it taps into our insecurities. We're programmed to do a lot of things that aren't great for us past the fleeting moment, and we recognize the problem with most of these things. But a lot of people completely miss the issue with jumping into relationships when our minds are BEGGING us to take time for ourselves.

Well said. WW ought to take that advice.

"I couldn't become this better person with her/him in my life, so maybe I'm a lot better off without her/him"

I for one am trying to get back into my old habits (cooking full meals from scratch, cleaning dishes early, exercising) that fell into neglect because of the grind her LTA was doing to me. I felt crushed under the weight of it all. With such a weight, getting up was an effort.

It's dissapointing to me though, because I do kinda think there would have been hope for recovery if she just stopped her wayward behavior. She never really gave that option a fighting chance, the LTA was only on pause for a while here and there. But I felt like we weren't actually "living"...it was like setting up shop under Mt Vesuvius, you don't know what day things were going to pop and you get swept away.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 8:26 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

Can't help but feel it's part of the AP to eradicate all trace of me.

This is exactly how I felt when I still painshopped. I saw photos of them going to our favorite places and I just knew it was to replace the memories we had together.

You want to get over an ex who screwed you over and who will also never face any kind of true "justice" in the world? Lead a better life than you ever did with them

I've always believed in success is the best revenge. Where I'm struggling is that me being better is a justification for him. He told me, his family, his friends that it's hard to understand at the moment but he is making the right decision long term. And to a point I agree. But I'm also still at the point where I don't want him to feel good about himself. I want him to feel horrible. I want guilt to eat them alive until they genuinely change to become better people. Me being my very best self will have him say he was right when the reality of it is that he was just that selfish of a person. I will never thank him for what he did to me. Of course I don't let that get in the way of trying to turn my life into the very best it can be, but what I want is for him to just hear about me when I'm dead. He gets to wonder until then.

Of course it could also be that he doesn't have the tiniest bit of conscience and takes my silence as a welcome gift for him and AP. In that case, I still hope karma gets them both.

I pray I soon get to where you are, AG You've been an inspiration, your strength and wisdom gives me hope. The goals I set for myself are one by one getting ticked. For one, I got my wedding weight back and a lot already noticed. I'm healthy again. I'm spending a lot of time with old friends and it feels so good to have them back. Traveling solo also felt amazing. I'll be running a marathon soon and I'm very excited.

I'm doing pretty good when you think about it, but still get bouts of anguish a lot of times

[This message edited by hopefullife at 2:50 AM, February 9th (Sunday)]

But I'm also still at the point where I don't want him to feel good about himself. I want him to feel horrible. I want guilt to eat them alive until they genuinely change to become better people.

Waywards in our situation seem to have a good knack for not feeling guilty when we're out of sight and out of mind. And I don't expect either APs to be eaten alive by guilt. I don't know about yours, but if mine actually felt guilty he wouldn't have been actively trying to break up my home for this long. My only hope is the karma bus runs him over and backs up to do it again.

I want is for him to just hear about me when I'm dead. He gets to wonder until then.

In 40-50 years, by then they will just be a faded memory and long disconnected. There may not be anyone around to tell him. I'm not sure if that's a sad thought or not though. It's hard to imagine now, these waywards of ours to be nothing more than a long ago dream. But when we're 70, they will be.

needed to read AG post today.

been on a few dating forays. I do feel overall healed in many regards - i have worked through so many emotions and wounds that were triggered by the break up. i am not dating for any sort of validation. there's no hole to be filled. i am not even that lustful etc. just company would be nice now and then.

but you're right, the real peace comes from turning the focus inward. i had been doing that shit for years, anyway - it's just she was busy making her own plans. i was not the mess - she was the mess. that's not appointing blame, the marriage was a waste of time toward teh end - but i was okay in myself.

if someone goes from Dday to a fresh relationship without working through the trauma and, as important, seeing their role in the ending of the marriage, then...well god help them.

and sad for them too if they never experience the true peace and serenity of being single. how it really is nothign to be afraid of at all! it's win win - loving singledom. you can't loose that way, you've rigged the game.

I was prepared to grow old alone before he convinced me to try risking it. I was scammed into investing my 100% and the return was negative. Solitude used to not scare me, I welcomed it. I'm still not scared, but now I will be going through it scarred. I'm finding ways to make use of the scars I'm left with.

I haven't cried in a while. I don't cry as much as I did post Dday1 but it's been weeks since I've shed tears. I've been too tired with work I can't even make an effort to let out this heavy feeling. I feel like I have this bubble full of emotions that is slowly getting bigger and bigger and will burst when I least expect it.

I was prepared to grow old alone before he convinced me to try risking it. 

You've said this before, I'm just kind of curious...why did you expect to grow old alone (I think) in your 20s?

I'm the shy introverted type that prefers a small circle of friends, but I always figured I'd meet someone. Now in my 30s, not so sure if I want to. Although it might be because I feel like I lost myself the last few years dealing with the hell of her infidelity or some of the issues that led up to it. I want a peaceful and drama-less life.

I was pretty independent. I'd do things on my own and wouldn't ask for help as much as possible. I preferred pants over dresses. Didn't know much about makeup. Wasn't the girly type. My parents never worried much about me. Among their kids, I was the risk taker, the healthiest, the I-can-take-care-of-me type. Up to this point I think the most nervous I've ever been was when I first introduced him to my family. I was introducing the vulnerable side of me my family has never seen before. Not that I hated having someone. I was still a girl and I'd dream about love but I was sure men wouldn't like women who wouldn't rely on them much. I read this book when I was young about how people have a need to be needed. I guess it made such an impact that I took it to heart until I was older. I just knew I would frustrate anyone.

I think that's what my WH likes so much about this AP. This AP is willing to cry, beg, do whatever it takes even threaten him just to show him how much he's wanted. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't fight hard enough. That after him fighting to be priority in our first few years I should now do the part. But I did. I believe I've shown and told how much I loved and needed him after all these years. I fought for our marriage even after the emotional murder. And if that wasn't enough, I would have done more if only he told me. But he decided to find whatever it is from another person. Now that I'm broken (his doing!), he doesn't want me anymore.