SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm just checking in. I can't believe it's been three years since DDay. Covid made dating really weird and in my experience, and for others I know, created a sort of isolation test. These are weird times. I hope everyone is coping in healthy ways.

To the person who is envious of the reconcilers, that's a normal feeling. At the time your spouse reveals they want nothing to do with you anymore, it feels like you had something special ripped from you grasp without any input or control over the outcome and you desperately want to go back to "normal". Just know that those who leave us without a fight are, in some ways, doing us a favor. By and large, dragging things out only causes more opportunities for heartache and disappointment. Past the initial shock, you have a chance to heal sooner, and faster, provided you reach out to your support structure and work on your mental wellbeing.

A year past DDay, I was already 99% of the way over things, but a global pandemic works wonders to distract you that last 1%. My best advice to anyone in this situation (although people differ, so it won't be for everyone) is not to seek what you had with your ex in someone else too quickly. You've been granted a rare opportunity to focus solely on yourself and fix as many of the things you dislike about yourself that you wish. Some people never get to feel what it's like to be fully on their own. Some see that as a pro, but as someone who's gone through it, I see it as a different way to build one's own character and independence. In a day and age when emotional isolation seems to be on the upswing, this is our opportunity to brush up on the skills needed to ride the choppy waters ahead.

Good luck to all of you in your continued recovery and God bless.

Just posting here because I'm having a bit of a down day.

I've felt ok, bordering on good the past week or so but I'm just feeling a bit lost at the moment, back in a sad place where just putting one foot in front of the other takes monumental effort.

I don't miss the person my WS was but I sure as hell miss all the things that come with being in a relationship, I am lonely I guess. The fact I know she has moved on with the AP and doesn't have to suffer with this just makes me incredibly envious of her.

Legend, so sorry you are struggling today. I've had many days like that myself.

I'm two years out, and surprisingly, very happy in singlehood. I dated for a while, quickly discovered I wasn't ready, and now I really like being on my own. I never imagined in a million years that I would feel this way.

You'll get there. I promise. You've already endured the hardest part with amazing strength. We have your back!

I am curious how the relationships between the WS and children are affected by them leaving for the OP. I know there are a lot of factors to consider, especially their ages and extent of what they know. I have two children, now ages 13 and 9. I discovered in October 2017 my WXH was having an affair with a married co-worker. If you look back on my posts or know my story somewhat, you will see that he put us through hell for years and our daughter has now reached the point of not wanting a relationship with her dad. There was just no hiding what he was doing from our daughter because he took things too far for too long. He is currently with OW, after manipulating us and then leaving again for the 4th time. I was done with him a long time ago, but was really hoping he would come to his senses for the children, especially our daughter. She refuses to have a relationship with him or give him the time of day if he continues his relationship with the OW. It is heartbreaking to watch my kid feel the way she does. My 9 year old son is confused and spends limited time with him. (A couple of hours a week.) He knows dad has done some horrible stuff, but doesn't know exactly what. He has just seen his sister going through things as well as myself and picked up on a lot.

So do WS come to their senses sometimes for their children? All the sudden, he is reaching out to her therapist and myself claiming he really wants a relationship with her. (But is still with OW and thinks she will eventually be ok with it.) Our daughter will not even agree to family therapy at this point because of his involvement and he is just not seeing the reality of things. I am just curious on other's experiences with similar situations. Thank you!

[This message edited by Mari104 at 5:43 PM, Tuesday, January 18th]

Hi Mari,

My situation is different to yours but thought I'd share anyway.

I'm just shy of 5 months splitting with my WW who then immediately started a relationship with her AP. She has moved very quickly, introduced the AP to my son (age 10) after 2 months, he spends weekends at his house, he's bought my son Christmas presents and she is planning to move to be nearer to him (an hours drive away from me) which means my son will no longer be able to spend nights with me during the week due to being too far away from his new school.

My son knows that she cheated and then ultimately chose the AP over our family and he does open up to me on occasions with anger and sadness over what she did but he has accepted the situation and is forming a bond with the AP. He will often tell me about things the AP does with him or things he's bought him, that he likes the AP's house and wouldn't mind if he ended up living there one day and other little anecdotes.

It is absolutely heart breaking and I feel that not only have I lost my partner that someone has just come in and stolen my family as such, inserted themselves seamlessly into the role I played as father and I'm now reduced to feeding off the scraps of seeing my son once or twice a week. He's just picked up a ready made family and everything is going smoothly for him whilst I'm left to suffer.

I find the whole thing very hard to deal with, most peoples stories on this site seem to be upon the discovery of the affair the WS has an epiphany and they fight for the relationship or they have been "affairing down" with the AP and the grass isn't greener on the other side. Not with me, the AP is rich (my son describes his house as a mansion), he has no children of his own, my WW is now being wined and dined at expensive restaurants every weekend, taken away to spa resorts, going on vacations and generally having the time of her life whilst I'm broken and lonely living in a one bedroom apartment struggling to make ends meet.

I'm trying to keep the focus on myself and make the best of a bad situation but it's so hard when you have your WW moving on and seemingly upgrading in every aspect of her life casting a shadow over you at all times.

Mari-

My children were 5 and 7 at the time that my exWW left and moved to her moms, then on her own and eventually in with the AP. They were too young to really understand what was going on. I mean, I don't remember a whole lot from when I was 5 or 7. My ex I know felt bad for breaking up the family, but not enough to stop. I think she really felt like she had found the "One", LOL, I don't think that's the case today.

But the kids, they had a tough time at first, it was more of the family breaking up and having to go back and forth between 2 houses. My ex, she said the kids would thrive, and it didnt matter that we divorced. Selfish thinking and selfish behavior on her part, but my kids have done well. Its bc my ex cared enough that she put them in therapy, even though I didnt like the IC, I went to some of the sessions and made sure that I was involved. My WW also stayed involved. Today, the kids have adjusted. We do not take badly about the other.

I think my ex has been focusing more on my kids over the past year. I think she is stuck now in a pretty shitty position with the AP, yes they are still together and its been close to 5 yrs. She's the caretaker for his kids, LOL and my kids tell me he runs off a lot without them. But this in turn has I think made my ex realize that she better do a better job with her own kids, bc that's really what she has left. I kept many of the friends after all the stuff that went down. She's moved further away, I'm sure b/c the AP was trying to isolate her and now she's stuck, but at least she's focusing more on the kids now.

I think as parents, you want MOM/DAD involved and doing their best for the kids. We have to let the affair go, and work to do the best for the kids so that they don't grow up all fucked up b/c of what we as parents did. So if your ex is trying to be a good dad again, let him try. In the end, it will be better for your daughter. Don't talk bad about him. Let her decide for herself who and what he is, and how she wants her relationship with him to go and just support her from there.

Legend- I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I would have a really hard time too if my son/daughter were to just accept the AP in the fathers role. But you know what, he'll never be his real father. SO YOU really need to make sure that you step up your game. Did you permit your exWW to move an hour away? Id have fought that tooth and nail so that I would get to be closer to my kids.

In the end, further or not, you have to make your son a priority. Its so easy to let the affair affect the way we think, behave with the ex, and I'm not different. But we have to as parents, always do the best for our kids. Just bc our exWWs were shit, does not mean we should be so careless with our children.

Do what you can, and ask for your son during the weekend. Since she has him during the week, ask for him to spend the night at your place during the weekend and plan fun things to do together. The AP can never replace you, if you don't let it happen. That's on you to try harder with the distance now. Yes it sucks. Yes, fuck your WW. But don't let those things keep you from your son. He is what's important now.

ANd in the long run, you'll still be his father if you continue to stay active in his life. The AP, he'll NEVER EVER FEEL the same way you do about your boy. The love you have for your son, it won't be duplicated with the AP. And if that relationship blows up in your WWs face at some point in the future, you will have been there continually for your son. I can tell you I don't think my exWW, even though shes still with the AP, feels the same way about him. HOw do I know this? I hear it from the kids, he's a serial cheater, so she won no prize. She's tried reaching out to me, but I just ignore. And through all of this, I have built up a better relationship with my kids and they know how much I love them. The AP can never replace me, he doesn't stand a chance and he knows that.

I am curious how the relationships between the WS and children are affected by them leaving for the OP.

Hi Mari,

My situation is different from yours as our children are adults with families of their own. During our separation, my exWH left me to live with his AP. And during the three months of living with her, he felt and saw the damage his actions brought on our adult kids.

Our oldest son refused him access to his children, refused to see him. He was disgusted, full of venom towards his father....I will add for context, that their relationship was not a loving one, just amicable.

My middle son accepted the situation and was totally mixed up as to his feelings, like torn between loving him and loving me. He shut down his feelings all together, kept contact with his father on an impersonal note. They would go to lunches together in a restaurant but the talk was just about the stuff not feelings.

My daughter was the most vocal with pointed questions for me and for her father.
She was the one who persuaded me to find a therapist immediately and did not want to see her father at all. Living in another town, she had the physical distance working for her.

They told our older grandkids at the time of separation, that their grandfather made grandma cry, that is why they separated.

They never met the OP. I found out later that my husband never thought about when or how to introduce her to our kids and our grandkids. He never introduced her to our mutual friends either. Never told them about our situation. I told only one close couple about his affair and our separation.

Our kids did know that she was wealthy, had lots of money, owned her big home, travelled lots, a widow of 35 years who never had children, a retired government director. I think my husband must of told them something about her...he sure told me stuff about her on D-Day. Like how exciting, sexy, interesting she is. On and on. I was devastated even as I knew that our marriage was shitty in the years prior to his infidelity. I never thought he would cheat.

Three years later , we have reunited. Our lives today are quiet, uneventful, boring at times thanks to the covid restrictions we have to live by. But we work at keeping up our morale and find things to do differently and look for ways to be likeable, loveable to one another. It's hard for me at times...and I know now that there are two choices for me to make every day: stay or leave. I have an exit plan, and to echo the writings for others on SI..he is not allowed to hurt me ever again. He is not allowed to hurt our children ever again.

But the toll it took on our children is heavy. I don't believe for one moment that adult kids are not devastated by one parent's betrayal and moving in with the OP. Their feelings of mistrust run deep. They even question my sanity for reuniting. But that is another topic altogether. All three are talking to their dad. And I notice the absence of feelings...like I love you dad or you are a good dad...that is gone. What I hear is thank you dad for babysitting, thank you dad for the supper you made. He is doing acts of contrition but what he gets is politeness and superficial talk. It's almost as if they have shut down parts of themselves so as not get hurt again. Their dad has difficulty in saying I love you to them also. I see there is a lot of work for him to do to regain their respect. To his credit, he did write an apology letter to them. But it seems that is not enough for our children.

I know that on SI the purpose is surviving as a BS and WS. And I'm glad that there are threads about infidelity and moving in with the OP, and its influence on children. This is my story, thank you for letting me contribute and share.

It seems to be a common belief that cheaters rarely leave their spouses for the AP. At least that’s what I am reading online.
So why did our cheaters leave us? Were their APs that much better than us? Was there something really defective about us?
Why did we end up in this place?

DailyGratitude,

You ask the question like you are asking someone to pick an ice cream flavor - chocolate or vanilla. Two most popular flavors - you get to pick one. Just one.

But it’s not like that with affairs. Cheaters are nit picking the AP over their spouse. They are settling for the easy choice or the selfish choice. Their own needs. Their own delusional ways. Their own very distorted views.

I think that the end of a marriage or relationship should be filed with honesty and respect and communication.

Not someone blowing up a life/family b/c of their own selfish needs. I honestly believe that many cheaters leave the marriage so they can avoid facing the consequences and devastation they caused.

They avoid the guilt. They avoid the Shame. They tell themselves "they deserve to be happy". People deserve happiness but not at the expense of others.

They don’t leave b/c the AP is "better". The cheater leaves b/c it is the easy way out.

DailyGratitude

They "chose" the AP because they’re delusional, they believe that the fantasy will last forever.

This already proves their lack of proper judgement they destroyed their family over someone who was willing to get involved with someone in a committed relationship.

This people will sooner than later will betrayed each other.

Some are so prideful that they’ll put up with anything and everything just to prove to others that they did nothing wrong.
( External validation junkies leaving in misery )

I personally know so many cheaters whose lives are so messed up including my bio father but they refuse to acknowledge that something is wrong with their behavior.

Thank you 1stwife and enPedasos. What you said makes so much sense. It is easier to start a new life where one doesn’t have to own up to their shitty behavior. No one has know what they did. They can create a new narrative and continue to live a life based on delusion.
My xwh’s AP holds a very high position in a major US company. So she already has an inflated ego. Having a man leave his wife for her must make her feel like a goodness. She most likely climbed the corporate ladder by sleeping with men. She’s attractive and coy.
The whole thing makes me sick.

I don't think bailing is the easiest way out if you look at all the variables included. Unfortunately in the WS mind they only look at what makes them feel the least ashamed.

My ex-wife invested years in being the primary breadwinner while I was in college after the military. Plan was for her to go back to school after I finished. Instead she started an affair and left almost a year exactly after I graduated. I'm now making 20k more than I did when she left. To me easiest path would have been remaining faithful and reaping the rewards that came with my new career. Instead she blew it all apart and ran away to not deal with the fallout.

In order to cheat you have to be shallow, selfish, and shortsighted.

I think that's the primary thing that causes karma to catch up with cheater's. There very behavioral patterns that caused them to do something as stupid as cheat cause then to continue blowing up their lives.

As much as it hurts even still, I'm fortunate to be rid of such a liability. I'm capable of crafting a much better, more stable life without such an unstable partner. Let's hope I learned my lesson and my next one has her shit together.

Thanks 1stWife, EnPesados, and Lucky for the helpful words. I posted a little about it on my own thread but recently found out exWBF and his AP are still together. He's never ever shown any sign of remorse for either the A, or the fact that he treated me like dogshit for the last year of our relationship. I'm trying to find solace in the fact that I can be myself again and don't have to deal with his abusive words and behaviors and that karma will get them both someday, but I'm 5 months out from dday and feel like I took a huge step backwards when I found out they're still togther.

Thanks 1stWife, EnPesados, and Lucky for the helpful words. I posted a little about it on my own thread but recently found out exWBF and his AP are still together. He's never ever shown any sign of remorse for either the A, or the fact that he treated me like dogshit for the last year of our relationship. I'm trying to find solace in the fact that I can be myself again and don't have to deal with his abusive words and behaviors and that karma will get them both someday, but I'm 5 months out from dday and feel like I took a huge step backwards when I found out they're still togther.

Give yourself time. My ex married her AP a year or so after we D. AP did me a favor. I even helped get him a raise a few years back. If he hadn't stepped in to take her off my hands I would still be plugging away trying to make it work. When I think back to then my go to song is Garth Brooks Unanswered Prayers. My ex is a narc and doesn't share well with others. I hadn't realized how badly being with her had damaged my soul, and it took years after to heal. Her grandmothers were both more of the same. Her mother divorced both husbands due to infidility. I put her attitude down to growing up in that disfunction. I was horrified the disfunction in her family, but didn't think to consider what that said about her. My first serious GF said my family was like the brady bunch. The ex called them a cult. She couldn't understand how we could be supportive of each other.

The story of her new marriage tracked ours. It's like she plugged in a younger newer version of me and molding him to be the same. His family had asked friends of mine if she had isolated me from my family about a year or so after thier marriage. Kind of a LOL moment for me and more confirmation that it really was all her. She didn't manage to to cut me off completely but did make it quite difficult at times a drove a wedge in. With him, she did. They totally stopped talking with his family. I knew his family well. They weren't capable of anything that deserved that. Until his father had a stroke a few years after they had totally disconnected and never saw them. He was very close to his entire family until he hooked up with my ex. Closer than I was with mine. I think there is some connection now, but not much. When APs MIL passes, and she's pretty sick, APs life will become even more hell. She's never lived without her mom, and I imagine it's going to be hell feeding her enough kibbles, attention, and support by himself.

TLDR; count your blessings. You deserved better and just be thankful the trash took itself out of your life. I sure am. I've been remarried for eight years and happier than I ever was with the Ex.

[This message edited by grubs at 10:06 PM, Monday, May 16th]

Thank you grubs for the perspective. D-day was over 5 months ago and it's really frustrating me that I'm still hurt and wounded (although def doing better than I was initially) and my ex is out there moving on with his AP. 5 months feels like kind of a long time to be dating someone/the time things start to get serious in a relationship and it just grosses me out that I was instantly replaced by someone else.

We have been NC and our friends don't see him anymore/pretty sure he hasn't told anyone but one person in our friend group he is still with her, so I can't say whether his abusive behaviors that were so prevalent towards the end of our relationship have reared their heads yet. I get the sense from reading on here and talking to a friend of a friend that it's going to take a long time to get better from this, I guess I just need to get used to the roller coaster.

NYC chump

I'm three years out almost and it still hurts. It's going to take as long as it takes. We loved deeply and are mourning one of the most significant relationships of our lives.

It’s been 9 months for me and my heart hurts so much today
Knowing my husband of 25 years is with another woman is unbearably painful
How can he detach from me so easily and go off with another woman?
And why am I still attached to him?
Why can’t I let go?
He’s moved on already and yet I am hanging on… with the slightest hope that he may realize his terrible mistake and come back to me
Why am I doing this to myself?
My head knows he’s no good but heart wants to believe otherwise
He cheated
He left
He rejected me
But why can’t I say "good riddance" and move on with my life?
Why am I so broken?
I am really struggling today.

D-day was over 5 months ago and it's really frustrating me that I'm still hurt and wounded (although def doing better than I was initially) and my ex is out there moving on with his AP.

It took me almost a full year to get out of the daze and be ready to date again. Do yourself the favor and allow yourself time to grieve and heal. He's still the same broken person who felt that an A was the proper tthing to do.
The first family birthday happened a couple of months post separation. Mom asked me where Ex was so I had to tell her that we were getting divorce. I hadn't shared it before because I was embarrassed that my marriage had failed. Mom's next comment was I never liked that woman. I still chuckle everytime I think about that.

DailyGratitude, I can feel the pain in your words. I'm so sorry you are having a hard day. I hope posting here helps get some of the pain out and I hope you have people you can talk to in real life too.

grubs, your post made me chuckle too - both of my parents (they are divorced) said the same thing about my ex when I told them what happened. After we broke up several of our friends also mentioned that he hasn't been the fun guy everyone liked to hang out with for a few years now. Hope he thinks his mistress for all of our mutual friends is a good tradeoff (he literally doesn't have any other friends in NYC aside from mutual friends, most are back in his home state).