SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not quite ready for my new beginning yet... but have a question that’s on my mind.

I’ve only been with STBX.

What’s it like to be with another person- are you constantly comparing them? What if they aren’t as technically good as your Ex? Is it still good because you have feelings for them? I noticed when my STBX and I were intimate at the end of our relationship, it wasn’t as good- technically, yes, just as good, but there were no feelings or love there, so no emotions made sex not great.

Having a new relationship is a big thought these days, but being intimate with someone other than STBX is terrifying!

I hadn't been with anyone but my ex for our 30 year marriage. When we separated and I was done, I started dating fairly quickly only because a friend of a friend heard I was single and asked me out. I had met him before but only briefly. We have mutual friends so I knew "of" him. We started out very slowly.

Turned out we are wonderful together although our first time sleeping together was a bit awkward. I was so nervous and he was nervous too. With time and trust it has greatly improved and we are amazing. I think it all has to do with love, trust and compatibility. You will know when it's right.

I’m not 19 anymore (the age I was when I met Wh). I ve had 3 BIG babies! I’m in my 40s!

Honestly, I’ve thought I won’t die if I never have sex again. Maybe that part of life is over. It makes me sad though.

That’s the ONLY thing that bugs me about divorce. Every thing else is a positive . But I just can’t see being with someone other than Wh ever.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 1:38 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

Gotta, I'm certainly not a spring chicken and have also had ginormous babies. I, too, was nervous as hell with XSO, but for no reason. Sure, the first time was a little clumsy due to nerves for both of us (it had been a while for each of us), but it was great after that. Different. I wasn't constantly comparing because Xhole didn't enter my mind, beyond the initial encounter of thinking a little guilty about not having been with anyone besides Xhole for almost 30 years. I'm sure that didn't help the nerves.

Xhole and I had what I would consider a very good sex life. XSO and I also had a very good sex life. In many ways I enjoyed it more with XSO. It showed me areas that I thought were great with Xhole really weren't as great as they could have been. And "different" doesn't necessarily mean better/worse. Just different.

Don't sweat it.

I was with a few men before STBX, and with a couple since leaving him. I can honestly say never really thought about comparing any of them with each other. Stbx and I were together the longest, 19 years. Without a doubt he knew me the best and knew all my magic buttons. Because of that, he could "get me there" the quickest...or skillfully extend things . That level of comfort with someone, for me, takes time. A lot of time. Years in his case. It doesn't mean sex with the others was any less enjoyable or satisfying. Like Phoenix said, just different. And they were all completely different men and my feelings towards them were powerful at their respective times.

Okay, if I'm being totally honest, there were two that totally sucked. But those were the only ones that stand out in my mind as a "comparison."

Also like Phoenix, for me, the first time with anyone is always a bit awkward. I usually just make it about the man, and save my own satisfaction for a later time when I'm more relaxed and at ease with him

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 2:38 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

My sex Life has improved exponentially without LLCAH. Because he cheated on me and rug swept, I could never let myself go with sex. We had a great sex life before the first affair, but after I just felt used. Cheap. Like I was fucking this man so my children would have a decent life- and that’s exactly what it was. I told him this, many times. He wouldn’t address it. Our sex life stagnated, plus he gained about 100 pounds so it actually became physically difficult To even have sex.

Once it was good and over, I made up my mind to just have a one night stand and just- see. And holy fucking cow was sex amazing. The one night stand actually turned into a 6 month relationship but I just couldn’t do serious so soon, and with the very first person since LLCAH, so I broke it off. Now I’m exploring all kinds of things and it is amazing.

I am comparing, but I am comparing how awful things were with him to this. It was terrifying imagine, but just jumping in was the right thing for me.

Been in a new relationship for over a year now. It has been a huge difference in sex as compared with my Ex. In the past if I couldn't stay big or we couldn't "finish" My Ex would feel like something was wrong with either me or her. We would never really talk or communicate about sex.

The new relationship is so much different. We will talk about it in detail about what we really enjoyed about the sex. We have had long conversations right after sex about what we both enjoyed. We talk about the feelings and emotions as well as the physical aspects. It helps that our love languages are very similar.

I had no idea that making love could be so much better than what I had with the Ex. I feel lost in time when I'm with my SO now. Being connected emotionally makes a hug difference in sex for us.

But the first few times we had sex we were both worried about the other person enjoying sex that neither of us could enjoy it. That is where the communication and honesty came into play. We talked about almost every aspect and then we made some adjustments. Since then, it was absolutely wonderful and amazing.

Gotta honey just focus on YOU and your kids for right now. And trust that when the time is right, all that will work out just how it's sposed to.

Comparing is normal, but I would suspect that things will be infinitely better then you can imagine right now if you are with someone who has not abused you so horribly for years. Things will be better with someone who has not given you ptsd and made you feel shitty. Things will be better when you are dealing with someone who loves you and who is sweet and kind to you.

But reiterating my earlier point, don't even worry about that for now. Work on you, love your babies, get your divorce done and final so the douchehole is firmly in your rearview. Set yourself up for future success when you do get into a new thing.

(((ggt)))

No worries, I’m no where near truly thinking about a new relationship... but just sort of envisioning what my new beginning will be like. Where will I live? What type of job will I get- do I go back to school? Will I get married again? All questions in my mind now...

Thank you seasoned new beginners for your input :-)

I have been with a few men before WEXBF and to be honest, I have compared him with my EX before that. Especially when it comes to one particular thing WEXBF was okay at, but not as great as EX before that. I think it's normal, whether you compare or not, some people do, some people don't. WEXBF was particularly good at wanting to learn and get to know me and my turn-ons and actively asking what I wanted, which I had never encountered before.

But then he went and ruined it with his A, off course, which made sex so awkward and even mentally painful at times. With all the mental pictures, certain triggers (I caught them so that surely didn't help), it was awful. So I know now, it can only get better from here.

[This message edited by Hedwig at 10:43 AM, May 15th (Friday)]

The only comparison I ever made is kissing. If we don't kiss well, I really don't have any interest in more anyway.

For the rest, no, I have never compared anyone to anyone. I have dated and found each partner unique (there have not been that many, so save your snickering) . Once you are being intimate, you can't really be thinking of comparing, and still be present, can you?

I've never compared, and I hate being asked the question. I mean, sex is like pizza right? Even if it's bad, it's still good?

For me, I was happy to be with someone who wanted to be with me. For the last several years of my M, XWW made it clear she did NOT want to, but did anyway. When you are with someone who finds you attractive and desires you, that is really great.

Oh Gotta honey you are the prize.

When that monster isn't living in your home any longer you are going to start to see that, and when you do, and accept that you are a queen, you will be beating off the men.

By the time all that happens and you heal you are going to discover that You are the star, and if you choose to allow a man in your bed it will be because he makes you the center of it all, and you will find a new sex that makes you feel strong, happy, fulfilled, and so sexy.

I wasn't very experienced before my EXH, He was my 3rd. Ex is very tall, good-looking, well-endowed. Sex with him was good at some points in our marriage. Abysmal at the end.

My current bf isn't as conventionally handsome or as endowed as ex. I never compare though. He's sexually open and we are super compatible.

I was celibate for two years after ex moved out. I was TERRIFIED of being nekkid with a new man! You burn past that. It's so good now. It's scary but man it's fun.