SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Truly what the fck is this?!

Insanity. Honestly, living with this will wreck your head and your heart. You're moving in the right direction. This is his problem, not yours. You suffer for his problems for sure, but it isn't for you to solve. There's nothing you can do to help him. Make it about you from here on out. The further you get away from all this madness, the more sane your life will be.

Thanks DevastatedDee. This is pure insanity. What I wanted to know is did others experience not only the crazy of the addict but the incompetence of the sex addiction recovery industry? I suppose anyone can say they are trained in a specific area but have no idea what the fck they’re talking about.

It’s his problem to solve for sure and it’s clear he doesn’t want to. I give up. He has this idea that some fairy therapist will fix him. He didn’t want to start the 12 step process until he found one but I said nope. I have to treat him like I do my brother. Wash my hands of it all.

I’m staying on my deadline on the house. The freaking AC went out and there’s a leak upstairs so that must be fixed to pass inspection. But other than that I’m pushing forward even if I feel like crap. Addicts are the worst.

Mine decided to focus on the drugs aspect of recovery and lumped the SA in with that. Just an overall addict recovery thing. He had one therapist for SA stuff and he dragged me in to see her to try and convince me to stay. He had not been remotely honest with her and she was not amused. She actually wound up being my therapist after that. She couldn't help someone who was going to continue to lie.

From the recovery industry, I experienced the gaslighting of being put into the "collateral damage" basket. That absolutely enraged me. I get it, addicts hurt people and it doesn't matter who they are, but I absolutely refused to accept being brushed aside like that. I had not mattered for entirely long enough and wasn't interested in wearing that label. I was a real human who was genuinely harmed and refused to settle for any excuse for it. My pride would not allow that. Honestly, I never would have been able to R with him no matter what he did with recovery. I couldn't have lived with any of it. Nothing could have made it something I could work through.

All they do is go to therapy to lie or waste time. Why wouldn’t a sex addict therapist not be prepared for the lying and gaslighting. Unbelievable!

I’ve heard the collateral damage crap. It’s so dismissive of the intentional pain they’ve caused. It’s an addiction yes but they cross so many boundaries of morality it would make anyone lose it. It’s real trauma and damage caused. SA is on a whole different level of addiction.

I think it’s such a powerful thing to know what you can and can not put up with. I think when I begin this nightmare of a journey I thought I could heal and forgive the sexual violation. That was only in theory because in reality I was grossed out. Each time I think of what he did with all those women it makes me physically ill. I was filled with rage every time I thought about it. So basically his face was a trigger. Truly bless the ppl who can truly heal and forgive such atrocious and disrespectful behavior. Living with your abuser is so very hard.

Right now he knows the farce is over so he’s treading lightly. I think I’m angry that I have to completely upend my life due to his choices. Ugh life is definitely not ever fair. Never is.

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[This message edited by BlackRaven at 9:14 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

Mine decided to focus on the drugs aspect of recovery and lumped the SA in with that.

Mine tried to do the same thing DevastatedDee. When asked why she wasn't going to go to SA, she said she was in AA and didn't need to.

Ironically, the last guy she was with was from AA and the guy after that (that she's pretty sure I don't know about) also came from AA.

I go to an S-Anon program and have only once been to a men only group. It was an enormous group and I stuck with a much smaller group where I was the only man. It doesn't quite fit either honestly, but there aren't a lot of options out there for guys whose live have been affected by a sex addict.

You're right, men who have been affected by a sex addicted partner really don't have as many resources. It sucks. I don't know that AA or NA are sufficient to tackle SA stuff given that so often they just find new sex partners in those meetings.

I don't know that AA or NA are sufficient to tackle SA stuff

I would say they absolutely aren't. An addict gives up drugs or alcohol for life. No one expects a SA to join the priesthood. I also think while drugs and alcohol numb the pain, sex is about the dopamine hit but also validation,mommy issues and a lot more.

In the end, it's their choice. If they want to just pretend to do the work, then it's clear they aren't in recovery and we need to heal ourselves and move on.

I’m just starting to accept it’s hard to find good help. Plus the addiction recovery is 100% on the SA. I just think so many are so disordered and have distorted thinking that they can’t get it together. It’s a miracle any of them reach full sobriety. Every day I distance myself further and further from the crazy. My stbx is just really sick and he can’t stop spiraling downward. He doesn’t see that train has no one driving it anymore.

Every encounter is wash, rinse, repeat. He starts by lying then blameshifts, then gaslights. It doesn’t matter what the topic is. Today I was able to stop it all and just switch to the business of packing and getting with contractors. He’s getting worse because he can’t control me. I just refuse to be abused and manipulated. I’m just trying to get to the other side.

Yeah, it's definitely not possible to get it taken care of in AA. AA is a hookup spot for my STBXW, it's her hunting grounds.

All they do is go to therapy to lie or waste time. Why wouldn’t a sex addict therapist not be prepared for the lying and gaslighting. Unbelievable!

To quote the Monkeys song,

"I'm a believer"

FWIW I think sometimes people also go to therapy to convert the therapist to (perhaps unwittingly) become a co abuser of the bs.

I remember one of the three MCs we had saying "I just don't know who to believe". And I had pictures.

Why we had three MCs before I called it quits is a subject for another day but we lost the first one because wh cheating broke the therapy contract.

I include them among my co abusers because they would do things like ignore that I said he was cheating and then act surprised and fire us when I brought in the proof. One told me that it did not matter if the affair had become physical (as if wh risking my life by having rough unprotected sex with a stranger was a non isssue for theapy).

And hello everyone. I should have been in this sub group years ago.

Hello dogc. That actually has a name...13th stepping is a thing.

Welcome, Shehawk!

And yeah, my XWH was using the therapist to make himself look less awful. I can't fault her but so much for not catching how much of a liar he was because he was a VERY GOOD liar. I mean this man had me (and I am not dumb) convinced for years that he was not that sexually experienced before me and that I was rocking his world, that he was genuinely sweet and sensitive, such a good person. Finding out that he was screwing prostitutes was beyond a shock. He told her some of it but in such a humble and sad way (poor guy midlife crisis boo hoo) that I can see where she'd not catch the extent of it. She believed me immediately, though, when I laid it out for her. At that point she switched to holding him accountable for lying to both of us. The addict came out then when he felt picked on.

She expected him to behave as an addict, but he did recovery speak like a champ. Teary eyes and all, sorrow and so on. I've never encountered anyone that was his level of fucked up or that talented a liar. The therapist was good. It wasn't on her.

Hi Shehawk!

I hate saying "Welcome," because the circumstances that lead us to find ourselves here are terrible.

So the most accurate greeting I can muster is a very merry Unwelcome to you!

Hey there dogcopter! Same unwelcome to you! It does suck that there is less support for male partners of female sex addicts. Lord knows there's no shortage of them.

There are a couple of women I know from college who I 100% believe would qualify, and one of them in particular I watched aghast as she wreaked havoc on her BF at the time with lord knows how many APs. I swear every morning after a night out it became "let's find out what L did and with whom last night."

I told him many times to leave her, that this shit wasn't going to change without a LOT of help and that she was making him miserable, but she eventually pulled the full discard and left him first.

I do think people tend to dismiss addictive/compulsive sexual behaviors in general in people of college age. The whole "they're just going wild before they settle down" crap. But with addicts dealing with these types of compulsions, that mentality is just a societal way of enabling them, and as that goes unchecked it escalates.

I know our little group seems to be all women most of the time. I hate the idea that we might not be inclusive of those males who need help too, as I'm sure it's different for you being one of, if not the only male in our little subgroup right now. Is there any specific way we can help support you here?

Re: addicts manipulating therapists/weaponizing therapy speak, yeah, BTDT. Actually, my XH picked up on therapy speak via his AP. I didn't know he was with someone else at the time, so I couldn't fathom where it was coming from, but his speech/syntax/vocabulary choices became very different from how he normally spoke. He didn't even use the words properly, because it's not like he was actually going to therapy himself, he was getting it second hand via the AP. She apparently checks herself in and out of mental institutions pretty regularly, so I'm guessing that's where that comes from. But yeah, he started using phrases like "I'm so stressed, it's just a coping mechanism" after I confronted him about yelling at us, or "I'm under so much pressure, I feel like I'm about to go manic" when I asked him to please stop flipping out.

It felt like he was talking AT me, not to me. Now that I know he was cheating at the time, it was like trying to preemptively justify his affair/addiction or whatever before I had even found out.

I remember doing the "what????" face to him constantly during those few months. Like every time he spoke to me it was like the *record screeching to a halt* moment where my brain was trying to unscramble whatever freshly twisted fuckery he was spewing.

In that way, discovering him in bed with her was actually a relief. My brain didn't have anything to unscramble, and all of a sudden the rest of it made sense.

Hello SheHawk. I agree with therapists becoming co abusers or what I’m calling them, enablers. Addicts who don’t want help manipulate their therapist to later try to manipulate us. If a therapist isn’t skilled in addict speak they need to find another job. I’m so hurt and disappointed but not shocked my SASTBX would do this. He’s done it his entire life and this entire marriage. It just makes me feel so alone. I can’t even rely on the “professionals” to hold him accountable. I’m so tired and exhausted.

I feel like I’ve been left holding the bag. I’m left dealing with an untreated addict that’s just spiraling in place. I am in charge of the divorce, selling the house, and protecting my sanity. I feel like I’m floating mid air with no strings. So far what is actually working is distance from the crazy. I’m no longer in the role of friend. Gave up the spouse role years ago. He keeps asking me to hang out with him, I keep refusing. I’ve cut off all forms of interactions other than our pets and this house.

I can’t live like this any further. I guess the whole sex addiction recovery industry didn’t mention that it could take years for an addict to even begin recovery if ever. Right now my stbx is in denial again. Pretending this crisis doesn’t exist at all. Looks like he’s going the route of my alcoholic brother. Hitting bottom, facing some consequences but choosing to be a functioning addict. This isn’t good enough for me or acceptable. I’m just kind of moving forward in a zombie like state. What does bring me relief is with every box I pack and room I clear. It legitimately makes me happy. So I must be doing something right.

Numbandnaseaus,

So sorry to hear that your son is looking at porn - it's scary even when their father isn't a SA.

Look up the site fightthenewdrug - I read some info and articles on that site when I was new to this whole SA thing, and praying that it hadn't already affected my kids before we even found out about the (now) ex and his multitude of issues.

Anyone else trying to reconcile with their SAWH? I feel like all the stories I see are of divorce. I don't blame anyone for getting a divorce after infidelity. Just wondering if any are still trying and seeing growth? We had a MC session on Monday that went really well.

I think I've moved from limbo to reconciliation with my husband.

We've been at this a long time.

14 years ago, DDay1 happened. He was sober for about 3 years, and then started slipping marching towards a relapse. Which he lied to me about.

We had a completely separate DDay2 4 years ago.

He says he's been sober since.

My husband's mo is fantasy and compulsive masturbation. So, no escalating to physical cheating. But, personally, that doesn't make me feel much better, and he's still an addict.

After DDqy1, dh saw a CSAT but didn't do the 12 step thing. The changes in him were really remarkable. But, it was the stuff I couldn't see that was the problem. He couldn't ask for help. He still had quite a bit of shame. Eventually, that was his undoing.

I think he's really in recovery now, after DDay2. He finally accepted his an addict in the pit of his stomach, and he is relating to me that he's comfortable for reaching out. He goes to 12-step meetings, but floundered on the steps. Some of it is on him (he was stuck on the amends step a year before the pandemic). Some of it is the pandemic. For a year, we worked at home, while overseeing 3 school aged kids with virtual school, and a 3 year old under foot. Our three year old has decided that sleep is optional, and he's been doing the lions work of getting up at night. 2021 has been hellish. My dad died at the beginning of the year, and I was diagnosed with breast cancer (nice bit of irony there..)in April. So, I am trying to give him grace on the steps, because our life is a shit show right now.

Ultimately, it's the lies between DDay1 and DDay2 that did it for me. I think now I'm willing to take the wall down. I did too much too soon (we had good connecting sex AND we even had lunch out together on a date and I was looking forward to it). We need to MC, but I'm not ready for that. I don't know if I ever will be. Those are the terms of staying in a marriage with me. If he doesn't like it, he's free to say so, and we'll figure something out.

So, I have to better pace myself for next time. It's a learning process. But, I am looking forward to doing something for our 20th anniversary later this year. It's been a long time since I looked forward to doing something with my husband. Progress is good.

The next Dday, we'll stay married, only because divorce is too expensive. Alimony+ child support for three kids will take at least a third of my net income. Plus, we're getting too close to retirement for me to be able to make up those losses. And he'll need my health insurance. But, I've made it clear we live parallel lives except for when it come to the kids. He also knows he's welcome to rent an apartment and get whatever needs he has taken care of on his time. Just don't tell me.

There's another poster on here, Lionne, that has chosen to remain with her husband.

There's no perfect solution to figure all of this out. If I had been given an accurate crystal ball 14 years ago, the best course of action would have been divorce. I only had two kids and we were married less than 10 years. Any alimony would have been short lived. We could have afforded two households easier. The only negative is that I'd be dealing with my cancer and death of my dad without a partner, but I wouldn't have been alone. Plenty of support outside of my marriage.

Marriage is how you define it. It's easier for me to stay, because I married for more than love. We are on the same page when it comes to finances, parenting style, religion, and other biggies I can't think of right now. We literally don't fight, outside of his addiction, because there is nothing to fight about. So, we have quite a good partnership even if I'm not "in love" with him. I'm also not interested in pursuing another relationship, so divorce is not a need in that respect.

[This message edited by secondtime at 6:12 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday)]

Has anyone had experience with borderline personality disorder diagnosis for their SA spouse? Therapist is leaning towards that as the actual root issue. I'd never really heard the term before. Looked it up, seems as though people with BPD don't change very often. I've noticed many posts in this thread about how addicts don't change quickly, if they ever do at all.

Hi stubbornft, I don't post very often but I'm happily reconciled with my SAWH. Please read my profile. I'm just over 3 years since D-day and we went through the depths of hell to get to where we are, but we are very in love still and decided it was worth it. SAWH works his 12-step program really hard so he's very strong in his sobriety now. So far, I'm glad I stayed, but if things change with his sobriety, I feel strong enough now that I would leave. Please feel free to PM me anytime. I read on here a lot but don't post much. Good luck to you.

[This message edited by veryhurt2018 at 8:02 AM, June 3rd (Thursday)]