SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone, I need a reality check because I donèt trust my own judgment anymore, after being gaslighted and emotionally abused for so long by my ex! So, I met a guy... who looks perfect... beautiful, highly educated, with same interests as me... it's just...too perfect to be true! Can you provide me a list of red flags or things I should look for in those situations? Already the fact that I ask myself this, is a red flag? Or my traumatic past is having my guards up?

In looking at your posts I see that your dday was over a year ago but you just recently moved out? And mid Aug he had texted you and you were hoping for R? All of this after a 3+ year relationship.

I can’t imagine being healthy or healed enough after all that you have been through-and ready for a new relationship.

To your question... google love bombing if you have not. How comfortable are you stating your boundaries and sticking to them? Not saying he is... have you watched any videos on NPD on YouTube? Is his story consistent?

I saw that you’ve read Attached, great book! Maybe reread it! 😊

Did he tell you what his interests were before knowing yours were the same? Could he have gotten those off of any profile you have, dating or Facebook?

A red flag that I did not know was a red flag was my XWH being so similar to me. He mirrored me, so of course he was just the most perfect guy ever for me.

Go slow with this new guy.

Does he know that you are just out of a relationship.

Tell him that you like him but that you are cautious and need to go slow. See how he reacts.

Agree that slow and steady is the way to go. Love bombing and mirroring are real things that have happened to me more than once.

Nobody is perfect, nobody. If you think he is and you're not in a relationship yet, look for these red flags:

Is he giving too much gifts or gifts that seem too big? Can be manipulative or trying to seduce you into a relationship

Is he bragging about what he's accomplished or who he knows?

Is he pushing your boundaries? When you say 'no, I don't feel like doing x', does he say 'okay, we can do Y instead' or does he try to convince you?

Is he sharing too much personal info, ie emotional dumping on you?

Is he asking for financial or emotional help instead of taking care of his own responsibilities?

Is he unkind to others, talking down or negative about strangers?

Is he asking too much personal info of you, wanting to get as much info and details about all of your trauma as possible?

Is he cancelling plans to spend time with you, neglecting his priorities, his other duties, his hobbies to be with you?

There are so many more, but I tried to only sum up the ones that seem positive at first or go unnoticed

[This message edited by Hedwig at 10:18 AM, October 1st (Thursday)]