Lying is (usually) one of the cornerstones of cheating. We justify it to ourselves, to our friends, our therapists, and the world. Sometimes it’s the ongoing lying that hurts more than the actual act of cheating. The “trickle truth.”
It’s funny (not like funny haha but more like ironic). I always considered myself an honest person. Never cheated on a test or stole a piece of candy from a drug store. But I learned to lie to my (overbearing) mother to protect myself. To avoid confrontation. To frankly not have to “deal.” Living in my head with my own truth was working for me.
I lied in almost every intimate relationship I had. At first , it was all truth and let me show you all my bad stuff and please accept me. But then, at time went on, I would keep feelings to myself. In part to avoid confrontation. In part because I was selfish and felt entitled to do what I want. In part because I don’t really want anyone to know what goes on in my head except me. Who could possibly understand?
After my DDays, my BH saw the worst of me. Saw that I had a lot I was hiding. I can’t say I felt relieved. Just exposed. Ashamed.
As a side note, I find shame the most difficult emotion to deal with. Perhaps because I have always been “good” and people (ok family) always so proud of me.
BH forgave me in time and I learned that hurt, confrontation or angry emotions are not the end of the world. It’s actually ok to speak things that are not comfortable or even painful.
I was thinking about this today because in a conversation with a work colleague, I was told “well, I take it you are telling the truth.” I was aghast. “Of course I am” I thought. I learned my lesson on that one. I am super honest and transparent, thank you very much. But how would my colleague know that?
People lie. All the time. I forget how much now that I have committed to living authentically. Even my BH believes “white lies” are ok. I am pretty black and white, so I say “not for me.”
Curious others’ experiences and pontifications on lying and radical honesty.
