Lovely SI folks, I haven’t been much on here in the last three years, and it is so nice to be back. There are some familiar ‘faces’, a lot of welcome new additions, and the usual amazing collective wisdom that, four years ago, helped me navigate the darkest period of my life.
After separating from and then divorcing my XWH, I threw myself into dating, thinking I was ready. I guess we all do to a certain extent....only to realise that all we have done is slow down the recovery process and add some more damage to our already pretty broken selves. So I was no exception and, after only a few months of absent-minded, fickle dating, I started my first proper post-divorce relationship. Glaring red flags, and those of you a bit further down the line giving me some hard truths but no, I wouldn’t have another failed relationship to my name.
I ended up staying with SO three and half years, and although there were some good times, I couldn’t help feeling dejected and swallowing the ‘better than nothing’ pill on an almost daily basis.
The biggest mistake was to join forces (or weaknesses) with someone who had recently separated but was still living with their XWW. They eventually divorced, but this man had clearly chosen resentment over forgiveness, bitterness over compassion, and wasn’t going to let any of it go any time soon. And whilst I was easing into a better, more civilised relationship with my XWH, he persevered with his hate campaign against the ex, to which he had even enlisted his own children 
. To witness this first hand prompted me to work even harder on forging a good, long lasting relationship with the father of my children - I guess negative examples are, often, the most helpful ones.
I read stories on here of people who are at the beginning of the process, still so raw and vulnerable, and wish I could scream out loud, don’t do it, take some time off, get your bearings, don’t expose your vulnerabilities to people who don’t have your best interest at heart. Except that would be hypocritical and everyone learns at their own pace.
My most recent relationship made me realise that, as betrayed spouses, we are conditioned to think that, so long as the other person doesn’t cheat, or is not overtly abusive, then we must count ourselves lucky. We choose to ignore the signs, the more subtle forms of abuse, until we get so drained that leaving becomes a matter of survival.
So I have been single since the summer and this is my NNB. I have made the conscious decision not to date for a while and possibly ever. I am allowing myself time for self-reflection and self-love. Whatever I feel like doing, eating, reading, watching, spending money on, goes. And I can travel without being frowned upon....what a relief! After years of self-negating, singledom feels pretty awesome for sure 
And not only am I thriving, my kids are too. I waded through so much crap to find my diamond, only to discover that it was here all along.
[This message edited by Karmafan at 1:28 PM, December 23rd (Wednesday)]
